Diary of "the boring one"

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

You guys. The universe is seriously speaking to me. There have been more signs in the last year about how my life is REALLY off track and all this unhappiness and misery I feel can and should be changed. There need to be some changes!

Sad news yesterday about Steve Jobs. Truly the brightest bulbs always burn out the fastest. I have a handful of quotes from Steve Jobs over the years, one of which I posted on FB earlier, here is my other favorite:

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on."

Don't settle.

I'm totally settling and I HATE it. I want to live less for a paycheck and more for a passion. I'm tired of having my dreams called "foolish" or "unsustainable". Money isn't everything, in fact I'm learning more and more that its not even a top contending thing. I'm sick of people telling me I can't do what I want. Be happy for me or get the hell out of my way.

How many times do I have to hear this before I ACTUALLY tell the world to screw it and move on with my life? How many messages from the universe can I ignore?

I'm listening...

Conversations with a ghost

2011-07-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

TheHusband and I spent all day yesterday in Roseville, celebrating the life of his step-uncle Dave Brigham with assorted friends and family. I have to say, I can only hope that at my memorial service there are so many amazing stories, so much laughter, so much love. I had the pleasure of knowing Dave for the last 8 years or so (TheHusband and I were a little slow on the whole meet the family thing - especially because his family consists of hundreds of people and complicated "how are we related again" lines) though I feel like the last time I saw him, in Oregon a few weeks ago, was the first time I really had a serious conversation with the man. And man, am I grateful for it.

I used to tell TheHusband that every time I spent time with Dave and his wife Mary that I was in awe of the love and acceptance that just seemed to radiate from them. I would joke that I just wanted to sit in their presence and let some of their positivity wear off on me. Like maybe I could absorb it into my own life somehow through osmosis? The love between them was almost a tangible object, their way of looking at life and the situations around them was amazingly positive. I felt that not only were they constantly working towards making themselves better, but they also wanted you to be better, experience more happpiness and love in your life as well.

As someone mentioned at the memorial yesterday (another nephew - I think) the unspoken code of nature is to "leave it better than you found it". I've known this since the very first camping/back-packing trip I ever took as a child. Dave was a great lover of the outdoors, of the mountains, someone who saw the connection between nature and spirituality every day, in every instance. As a legacy to the type of person he was, I think that every one in that room yesterday nodded in agreement that Dave left each of us better than he found us. I truly feel privledged to have known him and I am better for it.

Needless to say, in the 10 days since his death I have replayed our final conversation over and over in my head. Y'all. I have even dreamed of this conversation. I wish I had asked more questions, paid more attention, given more thought to my side of the dialogue instead of using the same flippant answers I always do when asked about what I want out of life. Because the thing is, I actually got the feeling from Dave that he CARED about my answers, that he wasn't just making polite conversation, that he genuinely wanted me to find happiness. If I had known it would be my last chance to talk with him I think I would have done it differently. But that's the lesson isn't it? You never know if you'll get another chance to say the things you want to say, or ask the questions you need answered, or just sit and absorb another person's personality and love.

Lesson learned.

This morning on the way to work I actually had a one-sided conversation with Dave. I tried to pick it up where we left off, and using some of the insight in to his character that I gained from listening to his many friends and family members speak yesterday, I asked some follow up questions. I know that sounds insane. I do. But y'all, if nothing else, I want to try and reach the idealized place of happiness with myself, my life, my family and my relationships that Dave had. I need to refocus, re-evaluate and shift my priorities to make it happen. But I will. In memory of Dave. It can be my small way of remembering him, of keeping his spirit alive.

Dave's sons both spoke about their father yesterday and the youngest closed his portion with the Bible verse most commonly associated with weddings, 1 Corinthians 13. He mentioned that, to him, his father emulated all of these things in his life. What a powerful legacy to have left behind right?

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Stress

2011-07-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

Lordy folks - it has been a busy, stressful summer! Even though it has only been warm and "summer-like" for roughly one week and its now mid-July (yes, I am complaining about the weather). I can't believe all of the things that have gone right, gone wrong or just gone on. Yes I realize I've left off the 30 days of truth thing in the middle but I promise I shall be retruning to that soon enough. In the meantime let me catch you all up on the things that are taking my time away from writing...

1) Vacation. TheHusband and I took 10 days late last month and spent a couple days at Lake Shasta, then a few days in Oregon for a family reunion (plus our anniversary and my FIL's 60th birthday) then back to the lake for extended birthday festivities and the 4th of July. Oregon was relaxing, the lake is always fun and I REALLY needed the time away from work so all in all it was a good time.

2) Sick kitty. After being gone for 10 days, we were home for roughly 36 hours when we noticed that TheCat was not well (aside from being pissed at us for leaving him) so we took him to the vet and ended up having to leave him there for 3 days. We eventually brought him home for monitoring over the weekend (with a catheter - joy!) and then back he went to the vet Monday for a final appointment. Needless to say he hasn't left my side any longer than strictly necessary since then. Also, I realize that I am obscenely attached to my cat. I seriosuly missed him and worried non-stop while he was at the vet. Its amazing how much his furry little presence adds to my life.

3) Death. One of my step-MIL's brothers passed away unexpectedly last week and the whole family has been in constant memorial planning upheveal ever since. We actually got to spent time with Dave while we were in Oregon for vacay and I'm so utterly thankful for it. Dave and his wife Mary are quite possibly the most positive, encouraging and spiritual people I know. Dave's passion for life and the love between he and Mary was inspiring. The news hit us all very hard and I still can't quite believe he's gone.

4) Super secret planning. Ok I can't really get in to the details here on this one. Lets just say that I've been working on a new project (together with several other people) and I'm thrilled to finally be taking steps to get the hell out of this soul-sucking corporate job and move on with my life. Its going to be awhile yet before I can make the full switch (see: unemployed husband) but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll share more details when I can but... Its good times y'all.

5) Soul-sucking corporate job. Busy. Very, very busy. Also, did I mention I hate it? And I have a numbingly long commute? To avoid sounding like a broken record I'll stop there (there are plenty of posts in the archives about how much I hate my job) and just say again - busy. Send wine.

Idyllic Tiffany (extinct?)

2011-06-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

Y'all. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this... But last night TheHusband and I were catching up on some old episodes of How I Met Your Mother (I freaking LOVE that show) and one episode in particular really has me thinking about my life choices and wanting to make some changes. It was the episode where the gang all goes to this fancy event at the natural History Museum that is sponsored by GNB and Marshall basically tells Lily that he is NOT going to leave his corporate job any time soon to become an environmental lawyer. Basically Lily walks around the rest of the episode lamenting the loss of "college Marshall" and wishing the "current Marshall" was more like him.

At one point during the show I looked over at TheHusband and said "you know, college me would probably beat the living hell out of current me." (Ok I probably said something less PC than that but you get the idea.) And... there in lies the root of the problem. I MISS college me. I miss thinking that I was going to do something worthwhile, something helpful, something I enjoyed and got fulfillment from. I miss that time when I didn't know exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up but I still believed it would be great. I miss the me before I got stuck in this corporate job that I hate, with a commute that I hate, and no way to get out without landing my family in the poor house.

I don't know if it was that same episode or another one we watched last night also (we tend to go on show benders and get addicted) but there was another story line where Marshall's assistant gets fired (I think he's that guy from SNL?) and he's so excited because with his severance package he can finally afford to start the brewery he's always dreamed of. Y'all - I am dead serious when I tell you that I actually sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out if there was any way I could get fired and some how either get a severance package OR just qualify for unemployment for awhile so I could figure out what my dream job is and pursue it. Not that we would survive all that well with BOTH me and the hubs unemployed at the same time but... you know... pipe dream.

Now before you all (all? who I am kidding? either of you?) start thinking I have lost my mind and am planning my future based on TV shows - I have no immediate plans to try and get myself fired from my current job NOR am I planning on letting college-me mentally beat up now-me. But last nights' viewing DID spark a very real and honest conversation with TheHusband about what exactly each of us WANT out of our lives, careers, futures. Which is a good thing no? Because, as my ever so wise and charming husband said "so long as you and I are happy, together, we could be doing anything, living anywhere, poor or rich and we'd be... happy. And happy is all that matters."

Happy is all that matters y'all.

Never have I been more proud to be a Giants fan

2011-06-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

What a great message.

Thoughts on Lent

2011-03-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

I was surprised yesterday by how few people I saw with the ashes on their forehead. I really can't recall a time in my life where I didn't note Ash Wednesday and the passing on Lent to Easter since I basically grew up in the church. Long after I stopped attending church services regularly (or hell, who am I kidding, at all) I still think of the Lent period as a time to... reset?

The most profound teaching I ever received at Lent was many, many years ago but it basically said that Lent isn't so much about giving up something as it is about refocusing your faith and removing, or adding, things to your life in that vein. This is what finally made Lent click for me because I could not for the life of me understand how or why God would care if I gave up deserts or carbs for Lent. I believe this is one of those cases where the true message has gotten lost. Now, if deserts or carbs truly come between you and your relationship with God then I apologize, by all means cut them out and become enlightened, however for the majority of us I don't think this is the case.

So for many years now I've done both - give something up and add something to my life. Something to bring me closer to God, something to make me healthier in heart or mind or both, something educational or, dare I say it, enlightening? Giving up something at Lent is a perfect trial run to actually giving that item up on a long term basis so I still do it, but the adding of something to my daily routine for 46 odd days is where I feel the most growth.

Last year I gave up the following for Lent: cigarettes (unsuccessfully I might add), red meat (somewhat more successfully) and Facebook (100% successful!). I gave up all of those things because in one way or another I felt they were holding me back physically or emotionally from some other idea I had for my life. In addition, I added a daily Bible study (somewhat successful) and some quiet "me time" every day (100% successful). The Bible thing I'm still working on (though that's another post for another day) but as I struggle to reconcile the faith of my childhood to the truth of my adult existence I thought adding back in some good old fashioned Bible reading wouldn't hurt. I gave up Facebook because it is a soul-sucking, time-waste and I really should spend much, much less time refreshing my status feed than I do. Interestingly enough, giving up Facebook was the hardest thing I've ever successfully done for 46 days. I am not proud that I missed it so flippin much - more proud that even when I realized how much I missed it that I still stayed away!

This year I'm giving up beer (again) and cigarettes (also, again). I'm giving up beer because I'm really struggling with losing weight right now and I KNOW that the drinking doesn't help but I can't (won't?) give it up all together because in my own little screwed up way I feel like surviving through massive amounts of stress every day entitles me to the evening glass of wine. I just want to limit it to the evening glass of wine, or the weekend glasses if I'm being fair, and stop with the crack a beer at noon cause I'm bored and drink all damn day bit. The cigs... well THAT I am not proud of. I quit y'all - like legit quit smoking - finally! And then the husband lost his job... What can I say? When the world feels overwhelming all I really want is to sit somewhere with some friends and drink wine (see above) and smoke cigarettes. I wish I didn't love it so, but I do. Anyway, I need to quit again (before TheBoy kills me) and I figure this is a good enough starting point as any.

As for the thing I'm adding? This year its daily yoga and meditation. Pretty much the same reasons as last year - just trying something new... I wonder sometimes if I'm destined to always be studying and chasing after knowledge or if I'll ever just be content to "be". Maybe I'll know more in 46 days?

What are you giving up or doing for Lent?

Winning!

2011-03-09T14:53:00.000-08:00

So what if, while you're in the middle of trying to rob Peter to pay Paul, Paul calls and says that actually you owe him twice the amount you originally thought due to delayed payments AND THEN Peter calls and is all "where the f&#@ is my money?" Theoretically that could happen right?

Yesterday on the way home I realized that I did not have enough gas in my car to make it to work and back for the remainder of this week. Since we're flat broke this is more of an issue than you might initially think. There is NO. MONEY. None at all. Not to mention... when did gas get so expensive again? Blah. So I got home and brought up my conundrum the TheBoy to see if he had any thoughts on what to do because as much as I would love to, I can't just call out sick for the rest of the week.

In true, head-in-sand, fingers-in-ears, la-la-la-la-la I can't hear you, form since we couldn't immediately figure out a way to get me to work we decided to think about it over some wine and beer pong. (yes I understand that technically should be called "wine pong" but it doesn't sound as nice right?) Sometime during the second match TheBoy looked at me and with a huge smile on his face, said "rototiller!" Apparently my reaction was sufficiently confused because he quickly went on to explain that we could siphon gas from the rototiller in to my car and that it should be enough to get me to and from work for the next two days.

Y'all. My husband is a genius!

Turns out siphoning gas isn't as easy as it sounds but TheBoy did finally manage to get me about a quarter tank by the time I had to leave this morning so off I went. Until my car died. Again. Totally unrelated to the amount of gas I have or do not have in the tank my car has been having other "issues" in the last couple of months. First we thought it was the battery, but no. Then a series of a couple other things, but no. And I am SO bummed because I JUST got my car back late last week from TheBoy who thought it was fixed! I missed my little car!

So now I have a car that needs repairs which will probably cost money that I don't have. Is this what Charlie had in mind with his whole "winning" thing? All I can do is just shake my head and laugh, and then cross my fingers and pray like hell for a financial miracle. :)

Green IS a good color for me...

2011-03-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

This writer is blocked.

But! Don’t give up on me dear IIFs! I promise the 30 days of truth will continue, if for no other reason that we are finally (!) at day 13 which is exciting on so many levels because 1) I’ve pretty much been waiting for this day since day one, 2) day 13 may have been (read: totally was) the reason I signed up to do this damn thing in the first place and 3) you’ll finally be let in to my inner crazy and find out how I do in fact think I could be BFFs with a pop star. Oh yes, yes I do.

It’s just that… It’s been hard for me to write light-hearted and fun posts the last few days because I’ve been firmly wrapped up in my own little pity party. See, TheBoy lost his job a few weeks back so things have gotten necessarily tighter on the money front which is no fun for anyone. Gone are my sanity-saving 5 am work outs, gone are my peace-filled yoga classes, gone are happy hours with friends, a mini-vacay planned for May with my mama, plans to finish restoring the new boat and… oh pretty much everything else that isn’t directly related to food, gas, rent or MY job.

And to be totally honest, the worst part of this whole thing? I am so totally and utterly annoyed that it was TheBoy who lost his job and not me. I know right? Someone please slap me because that is just redockulous! But there you have it, the truth, in all its unflattering and ugly glory. I am mad at my husband for losing his job because damn it I’M the one who hates my freaking job and who has been trying desperately to figure out a way to move on! I was counting on the hubby’s job working out so that he could eventually make decent enough money so that I could quit MY job and go back to school! It shouldn’t be HIM who is home all day, planning a new career and taking all the time he needs to get things done around the house – it should be ME!

Le sigh.

Wow I am a bad wife eh? Instead of supporting my hubby through this transition time I’ve been secretly… Jealous? Yes I think jealous sums it up nicely. Lord, I apologize. And I know, when I’m not indulging in self-pity and woe-is-me type thoughts, that this is temporary, that TheBoy was NOT happy in that position and that he’s relieved to be on to something new. I know that he WILL eventually find something and that I should think of myself as LUCKY that I have a job that (for the most part) pays our bills to a sufficient degree that we can afford for one of us to be unemployed. I know that it isn’t the end of the world and we will get through this. I understand that if it HAD been me who had lost my job, we wouldn’t have been able to make ends meet and that I certainly wouldn’t have been able to scrape up the money to go back to school.

Now, how do I kick this funk?

30 Days of Truth - Day 12

2011-02-28T13:32:00.000-08:00

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

This is going to sound really vain and superficial but… Well, whatever, it is honest. The one thing I never get complimented on (and wish I would) is being beautiful or sexy. And y’all it has been my heart’s desire for as long as I can remember to be sexy. Not cute (which I occasionally get) or pretty, not funny or smart or laid back, damn it, I want to be sexy! Alas, it seems that will never be.

I recently started thinking that this sort of innate inability to be sexy might have something to do with my lackadaisical attitude towards fitness and diet. Because really? What’s the point of starving myself into a size 0, or sweating out umpteen miles a week on the treadmill, if it’s not going to get me what I want in the end anyway. Even when I was at my thinnest the only compliment I ever got was that I looked “sporty”. WTF is that? Sporty does not equal sexy – I don’t care who you are!

Maybe I read too many trashy romance novels when I was younger? You know the ones, where the heroine is tragically gorgeous and some handsome man is so over-taken with desire for her that they can’t seem to keep away from each other even though they should? Yeah. I know, I know. Fiction!

I read somewhere that Beyonce has a “sexy” alter-ego (because she isn’t sexy enough already?) and I’m thinking maybe that’s what I need? Although, considering I can’t even THINK about my alter-ego without giggling, I’m not sure how convincing I could be. Perhaps because I’ve been un-sexy for so long I no longer possess the skills to BE sexy? More likely I never had them at all!

(yes – this post is tongue-in-cheek – just to clear up any confusion)

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. - done
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 11

2011-02-25T16:26:00.001-08:00

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Well. It used to be my hair. I had long, wavy, blonde hair and TONS of it. But then I donated 14” to Locks of Love and now all I get are “Wow! What a big change!” and “Oooh... I hear the bob is coming back!” neither of which sounds particularly like a compliment. Whatever, its just hair, and thankfully mine grows fast and thick. Moving on!

See. The thing is… I am terrible at taking a compliment gracefully. I’m sure there have been compliments over the years which I promptly dismissed and forgot about. It’s a gift.

Lots of people compliment me on my shoes, which I think is a combination of the fact that a) I have an inordinate amount of shoes (shoes are my crack) and b) I wear a size 5 and everything is cuter when it’s tiny. Of course to that I say a) I’m broke and b) its hard as hell to find cute shoes in a size 5. Seriously, check it out next time you go shopping. Unless you wear size 6 through 10 you are S.O.L. at most shoe stores. Thank the baby Jesus for the internets!

TheBoy often says that I am the kindest person he knows. I don’t know if he means it as a compliment necessarily but I always take it that way. He’s not super verbal with his affections (hell, who am I kidding, he’s not super affectionate period) but since he’s mentioned it more than once I think he must honestly believe it no? Good thing he doesn’t listen into the girl talk! But seriously, growing up I felt that so many people in my life were just plain old-fashioned mean to me. I know kids will be kids and all that but really? Why be mean? Life is so much nicer when we’re all trying to be kind to one another.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 10

2011-02-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Okay I’ve avoided this day long enough. It isn’t that I don’t WANT to write about someone I wish I didn’t know really… it’s that I don’t KNOW anyone I wish I didn’t! And well, that sentence right there pretty much kills this whole post. BO-RING!

pfft

Then, while speaking to TheBoy earlier today, I had an epiphany! While there isn’t someone in particular I need to let go or wish I didn’t know there are several “types” of people I wish I had never met. So! Onwards…

The one type of person that I truly can not abide and therefore have made numerous efforts to remove from my life are those who are overly judgmental. Now I’m not talking about the general judging that folks will do when someone, say, shows up at work in crocs (with socks!) or even the silent eye-rolling that accompanies people who let their children run wild and screaming in crowded places such as Costco. I think everyone, this girl included, is guilty of making a rash, snap judgment about someone based on superficial evidence. I’m not saying its OK mind, just saying I get it and often succumb to it myself.

I’m talking about the seriously harmful judgmental behavior from people who can not possibly understand what it is like to walk a mile in the shoes of someone they’ve condemned. I’m talking homophobia, sexism, racism, and judgments based on economic factors or mental/emotional states. As sad as it is, I’ve known many people over the years that are judgmental in this way. When I was younger (and presumably didn’t know any better) I sat back quietly and watched while people who were considered elder/wiser than me tried to “convert” people out of homosexuality. I’ve heard people actually justify their racist behavior or words. I’ve sat silently while my peers are judged because their families don’t make a lot of money, or drive the latest cars or buy their clothes from the trendiest shops.

Through all of that I stifled the voice inside my head that KNEW this behavior was wrong and sat quietly by hoping to one day understand why these behaviors were considered right. Instead what I did was extricate myself from that entire group and have proceeded to turn my back on any additional behaviors of these sorts that I just can not, in good conscience, tolerate. I suppose this makes me a little intolerant myself. I’ve often joked that I am “intolerant of intolerance” but truly I can not understand. I do NOT understand. How can behaving in this way be “Christ like”? How can people use such a historical and sacred text as the Bible to justify their hatred towards their fellow man today?

Man. Apparently I could rant about this subject for days. DAYS y’all. But I shall not. At least you got a slightly more interesting post than Day 8 though! Cheers to that!

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

What size is your "scope"?

2011-02-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

I’m taking a break from the 30 days of truth because a) day 10 is looking like it’ll be another snooze-worthy post like day 8 unless someone seriously pisses me off in the next day or two, b) I’m saving writing about my biological dad again for day 14 and c) I got the below quote from the Dalai Lama the other day on Facebook and it really struck a chord with me. What? I’m totally cyber-friends with His Holiness the Dalai Lama on the interwebs… If for no other reason than I can now say “my friend, His Holiness the Dalai Lama” in casual conversation. Be jealous. Or, you know, go friend request him on FB. You too can name drop!

The more you think about your own self, the more self-centered you are, the more trouble even small problems can create in your mind. The stronger your sense of ‘I’, the narrower the scope of your thinking becomes; then even small obstacles become unbearable. On the other hand, if you concern yourself mainly with others, the broader your thinking becomes, and life’s inevitable difficulties disturb you less.

So. This is an interesting concept I’ve been thinking about for a few weeks now because, frankly, the little day to day annoyances in my life consume my thinking. In fact, my own personal whiney mantra these days has been “why bother”. I know. But seriously? I wake up ridiculously early every morning to work out but haven’t lost a single flipping pound and I hurt all the time. Then I come home and make breakfast for me and the hubby (possibly my favorite time of day regardless of TheBoy’s inability to do much other than grunt appreciatively in to his eggs) and get ready to go to work. Commuting to work takes me anywhere between 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic and, while I am really quite good at this job and I adore my boss, I really kind of hate what I do for a living. So there’s that – spending the majority of my waking hours doing something I do not love. Then I sit in the car for another 1.5 to 2.5 hours, maybe take a yoga class or go for a run, then clean up the house a bit, cook dinner and (if I’m lucky) spend half an hour or so unwinding with TheBoy on the couch before I have to get to bed early so I can wake up tomorrow and do it again. And I KNOW I sound like a whiney, ungrateful bitch but the sheer… mundane nature and general unfairness of not living a life I love gets to me. A lot.

But I’m not sure that thinking more globally is the answer either. How can I concern myself with the happiness and well-being of others when I can’t even get my own stuff figured out? I keep trying to remember to be thankful that I have a job, any job at all, right now much less one that pays me reasonably well and with a boss I love. But that thinking gets really hard to maintain when I’m stuck in traffic or dealing with a particularly self-absorbed client. Do I just need to stay focused? Is there such a thing as “reverse” blinders so that I can only focus on the world outside and ignore the details of my own personal existence? And is that really the way to go about living? Ignore the parts of your life that you hate and focus on the greater good? Because most days I really feel like life’s obstacles are unbearable… And I HATE thinking like that. My inner Susie Sunshine is rebelling.

30 Days of Truth - Day 9 (finally)

2011-02-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I knew that eventually I’d address this topic in writing; I just wasn’t quite prepared for it to come so soon. The truth is that in the last three years or so I’ve let the vast majority of my girlfriends “drift”. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made, to end friendships with women who used to know me better than I knew myself, but rather just a shifting of priorities (theirs and mine) that drove us so far away from one another that now… Now it feels like there is no going back. That thought doesn’t make me sad really, more nostalgic I guess, for the days gone by and the woman I used to be.

If someone had asked me four or five years ago who the main characters in my life would be today I would have been completely wrong (except in the case of TheHusband, my Mama and maybe one or two others). There are the friends I swore I’d have forever who are now more like strangers, the acquaintances that are now dearer to me than I could have ever imagined, and the new women I’ve met who challenge me to be a better person, just by knowing them. And I don’t regret the change, I can’t regret it, because I am a far happier, stronger, better person today because of the people who stuck around when the going got tough, or met me when the shit was literally hitting the fan and coating everyone and everything in a mile radius of me and pursued a friendship with me regardless.

I suppose if I stop to think about it, that it does make me sad that some of the women who swore I was like a sister to them were nowhere around when I truly NEEDED a sister. But I get that life happens and that we can’t expect our friends to put their lives on hold to help us when the chips are down. I get that we can’t EXPECT that but the truth is that I DID expect it because I had always been the type of friend to drop everything to rush to the side of a friend in need. Which is my bad, I suppose, and not theirs. But now? Now that I’m finally on the tail end (God willing – please, please, please) of the hardest, scariest and plain old fucking most awful days of my life thus far? Now I don’t need them. And all truth be told I don’t want them either. There were too many (unforgiveable?) things done, too many times they were moments away from me and yet never thought to call or stop by to see how I was doing, too many times when I could have used a hug, a text, an email, and none of those things ever came.

Or not that they never came… They just came from unexpected places. Wonderful, new, supportive places, but not from where I had thought I had the right to expect them to come.

When I first moved (back) to California I went to a very small school, attached to a very small church, that became almost an instant family for me. I particularly fell in love with a little girl about 4 or 5 years younger than me. She became the little sister I never had and I loved her to death. I would babysit for her and her brother regularly even though I LOATHED babysitting (some things never change eh?) because it wasn’t really awkward or uncomfortable with her. She was, long before Austin Powers, my mini-me. When I made the difficult decision to leave that church family after almost 6 years after High School, I was particularly sad to be missing out on watching my little girl grow up. Her dad pulled me aside at one point and told me, in essence, how disappointed they were that after all the mutual time and effort we had put in to nurturing this big sister/little sister relationship that I wouldn’t be around. Disappointed didn’t even BEGIN to explain how I felt. Devastated would be closer.

But now I understand a little more the other side. It wasn’t that I no longer loved her or wanted to be a part of her life and watch her grow and fall in and out of love and learn all of life’s million little lessons. It wasn’t about her really at all, which may have been my biggest mistake – not considering her more in the situation. It was all about me… My decision, my life path, my need to get away. The consequence of THAT action being that I missed all of it, and now that my little girl is a grown woman in her own right and we should be the best of friends, sisters even, we are instead more like strangers. Sure, we keep in touch, but I’m not the confidant I once was, I’m not involved in her life in any way, and it kills me. Truly. But it helps me understand that having people drift in and out of your life is a part of it, and life really does goes on.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 8

2011-02-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Now I don’t know if I’ve lived a charmed life or what but for the life of me I can’t think of a single specific person that has made my life hell or treated me like shit. Granted there were the typical bullies in elementary school or drama with girls in Jr. High and High School but I wouldn’t say any of them made my life hell. Even the worst of the worst break ups didn’t leave me feeling like my life was hell (though enough of them ended with one or the other of us treating each other like shit).

Hmmm… Well that was boring wasn’t it?

Though. On a sort of similar topic, I read a really disturbing news item on CNN earlier about seven teenaged boys who jumped another boy on the way home from school. Seriously? What the hell is wrong with people? Not only did these seven boys gang up on this other kid and beat him senseless, they also recorded it with the intent of posting it to social networking sites AND at least one individual witnessed the beating and did not call 911 even though the victim was crying for help. Are you freaking kidding me? Shit like that KILLS me – it seems like such a sad, sad time to be a kid right now!

And, in other depressing kid-related news, a couple weeks ago (I think) I heard an Amber Alert on the radio while I was driving home from work about a little boy who had literally been ripped out of his grandmother’s arms by his mother’s ex-boyfriend. The ex was not the kid’s dad but the mom is pregnant with another child that IS the ex-boyfriend’s. It now looks like they found the kid’s body this morning in the Delta (where TheHusband and I regularly wake-board during the summer). Can you imagine? I know it was naïve but I really was hoping for a happy ending in this case. The mom seemed to believe that, while the relationship ended because the guy was abusive, he wouldn’t harm her son and I SO wanted to believe her!

People wonder why I have absolutely zero interest in having kids…

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 7

2011-01-31T14:50:00.000-08:00

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I have been to some dark, dark places in the last couple of years. Like scared the crap out of myself, thought maybe I was losing my tentative grip on sanity and seriously considering whether life was even worth continuing, dark places. I’ve detoured on the way in to work and driven an hour down a winding country road, wondering if I had the courage to just keep going and never look back. I’ve had complete sobbing, snot-filled break downs in the parking lots of grocery stores, parks and in the driveway of my house. I’ve contemplated, more than once, just holding the wheel straight instead of making the turn at the top of the hill leading in to town. I’m not proud of any of these moments, and frankly wouldn’t mention them at all except for this next part. Always, always when I’ve reached the end of my rope and can’t for the life of me remember why I even am holding on in the first place, I think of my mom.

My mom is the person who makes my life worth living, the one who makes me want to go on living, and the one who gave me life in the first place. I think about how devastated she’d be if I were gone. I think about how unfair it would be to leave her (and more recently, TheHusband) to clean up the utter mess I’ve made of my life, to be responsible for my debts, to have to clean out my belongings. And, even when I can’t come up with a single solitary reason why I should go on living this life that I hate for even one second longer I DO go on, because of her. Because she’d miss me and because I love her and don’t want to cause her pain and because I have tried to be a good daughter (minus some memorable teen angst filled moments in High School) and I don’t want to let her down.

I suppose it is true that a mother’s love is the strongest force on earth.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

2011-01-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Okay I’ll admit it; I’ve sat here for several hours with this page up in the background and cursor blinking with absolutely no idea how to write about this topic. Do they mean something I’ve done and hope to never do again? Or, do they mean something hypothetical that I never hope to do ever? Because being in a plane crash doesn't sound like fun... Or finding myself lost in the wilderness alone with no food or water. And who is this mysterious “they”? These things should really come with clearer instructions for us AR types. How can I be an over-achiever if I don’t know the RULES!

Ahem.

Well if I’m going with the premise that I should be writing about something I hope I never have to do again, I hope I never have to lose another friend or family member at far too young an age. I think I’m not the only one when I say that the grief for the death of an elderly person, who has lived a good, long life, while still poignant, is not nearly as overwhelming and universe-crushing as losing someone who is young with their entire lives still ahead of them. Or even just the entire second half of their lives in front of them!

Recently, I lost a close High School friend to cancer in 2009 and a cousin (to medical negligence? that’s a whole other post) in 2010. Both of these deaths affected me tremendously because in the first case I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THIS KID! We are (were?) the SAME AGE! I don’t think that is a reality check so much as a cold bitch-slap across the face. And in the second case, while my cousin was quite a bit older than me, she was still far too young for us to be hearing the words “colostomy bag” and “complications-induced coma”. Also, how terrible for my Aunt to have to bury her daughter… For anyone to have to bury their child.

It really makes you think, re-evaluate if you will, about the impact your life is having on those around you. If I die young, will I be remembered? And by whom? Will I be thought of fondly, with many shared memories to reminisce on by my friends and family? Will there be people out there who feel relief when I’m gone? Or worse, feel nothing at all? Have I left a good legacy behind me in these few years? Have I been kind? Helpful? Selfish? Weak? Will my life be celebrated for the achievements I’ve made? Or will people just mourn my loss and talk about “what could have been”? Not to mention the affect on your health – I am now current on all doctor-type things and never miss a check up. Because what if? You keep hearing that early diagnosis is key right? I find myself passing over French fries for salads and going for runs instead of just web surfing these days. So maybe that’s a good legacy to leave behind?

No matter, I hope to NEVER attend another funeral of someone too young to be gone.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

2011-01-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long pause in between posts. I’ve been sidelined with a nasty bladder/kidney infection for the past few days. Y’all. I had no idea how excruciatingly painful a kidney infection could be! Sad times indeed.

*****

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Goodness. There are LOADS of things I hope to do in my life! I hope to start my own business so I can be my own boss because I hate having some arbitrary order giver above me with the power to ruin my life. I hope to be able to work from home so I can wear jeans and NOT commute farther than the guest bedroom/office. In fact, I hope to someday only put a couple hundred miles on my car in any given month instead of thousands. I hope to find something I can be passionate about, something that truly helps people and makes a difference. I hope to find something that is all of those things AND makes enough money that I can live, not lavishly – just comfortably.

I hope to have enough time to volunteer at one of the many organizations near and dear to my heart (and enough money from working for myself that I can take the time away from that to volunteer). I’d like to be involved in the local food banks, or help out at the women’s shelter, or maybe work with animals somehow. I’d like to put some of the skills I’ve acquired to use for good – maybe I can counsel people on how to get control of their finances and buy a home. Maybe I can counsel people in how to shift little things in their diets in order to take control of their health. Do they have a 4H equivalent for grown ups? I’d like to do that. Or volunteer at the library. There are so many things I’d love to be able to do, if only I had the time in the day with my current work/commute schedule or the money to leave this job/commute and move on to something a little more realistic to my life.

I hope to travel, oh the travelling! I can’t even begin to count the books I’ve read based in England, France, Scotland… Places I’ve never been to but can visualize in my head as clear as day. I’d love to go to Italy, to walk among places that are older than I can imagine, to eat fabulous food and drink amazing wines. I’d love to go to Greece, you know one of those places on the coast with the white stucco walls and the amazingly blue waters? Hell I’d even like to travel the US a bit more. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, or to Utah to see those amazing red rocks, or to any of the national parks (except Yosemite – which I’d like to re-visit). I’ve barely travelled at all on the East Coast (with the exception of a few trips to the DC area). I’d love to see Alaska – in the summer – and even spend a bit more time exploring Mexico.

I hope to live someplace where I can have a little land, a garden and a couple dogs running around. Someplace I can afford without having to take out 3 mortgages and ransom off my first born son. (Joke is on them – ha! There will be no first born son!) I’d like to open the windows in my house and not worry about the neighbors being able to see in. I’d like to walk outside and not have the first things I see be traffic and buildings and congestion but instead see trees, wildlife, dogs, and sunshine. I’d like to grow my own tomatoes, veggies and herbs. I’d like to have fruit trees or maybe nut trees or olives. Maybe have a small vineyard… A case or two of wine a year made with love? Dream. Come. True.

I guess mainly I just hope that these days are the worst it is going to get and that eventually I will be able to live a life a little more in line with my dreams. I keep remembering something someone told me at church a long (LONG) time ago – that God would not test me beyond what I could bear. Well either God is angry with me or the Universe is having a grand old time at my expense because this right here? This is pretty much the limit of what I can bear. I’m so done. I’m ready for some good days, some happy times, and some ch-ch-changes!

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

2011-01-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

“Always forgive, but never forget.” – Rootz Underground

Y’all. I am sort of ashamed to admit this. Turns out? I totally hold grudges. I didn’t completely realize it before now… It seems that even though I am able to forgive people for things that hurt me (and I am the QUEEN of seeing it from the other side and justifying people’s actions) it somehow irreparably changes the way I feel about said person. I guess that’s the “never forget” part? But how can I go back to being friends in the same way with someone once I’ve seen how they can hurt me? When you allow someone into your life and give them enough of yourself that they can would you its sort of expected that they will never use those powers for evil right?

Of course the first person that popped in to my head when I read today’s prompt was the sperm donor, AKA my biological father. (My mom HATES when I call him sperm donor – so if you’re reading this – sorry Mama – love you!) But then I realized that I HAVE forgiven him. I’ve forgiven him for never being around because really, we moved around so much when I was younger and we never lived closer than four states away from where he has lived for as long as I can remember. And I know he has never made a TON of money and that regular travel by flight or car and across county is expensive. I’ve forgiven him for not making me more a priority in his life because I understand the man was trying to live a life out there! I KNOW all of these things and so, I am no longer angry with him and I’ve forgiven the pain he caused me growing up.

Except, now that he’s little more than a stranger I have no desire to include him in my life. We could not possibly be more different when it comes to the lives we lead and while he feels some right to judge me or try and change who I am because he is my “father” I feel like I’ve spent enough of my life justifying my beliefs and actions to people and I certainly don’t feel the need to justify them to this judgmental stranger. I wish I could just tell him to remember the good memories that we do have from when I was small. It’s enough for me, and that’s really how I want to remember him, and us. So while I’ve forgiven him, I can not forget and so we can not have a relationship.

And what about various boyfriends over the years with whom I’ve had falling outs, have I forgiven them? Of course I have, life is too short and I’ve clearly moved on and am planning on spending the rest of my life with the man who IS right for me so why waste energy being angry with the past. But. That doesn’t mean I want to be friends with any of them. One ex in particular was quite bent out of shape after having gotten back in touch with me a couple years after our break up when he discovered that I did not ever intend to have a friendship with him again. His arguments that we had been together for so long and had been such a large part of each others childhoods didn’t convince me. Because really, at the end, when he was cheating on me, and lying to me, and purposely trying to hurt me so that I would make it easier on him and break up with HIM, I saw a side of his personality that I can not forget. I told him that I wouldn’t be friends with ANYONE who behaved that way towards another human being and I certainly couldn’t imagine ever truly being friends with someone who behaved that way towards ME. Have I forgiven? Sure. I understand wanting to avoid a conflict and I understand feeling like you want to explore something when you’ve only known one thing your whole life. But I can not forget, so we can not be friends.

Same goes for girl friends. I can only think of one (very notable) exception where I still currently maintain a friendship with someone who hurt me. And it took years and tragedy and a lot of painfully honest conversations for us to build our friendship back. But it’s not the same friendship we had before because neither of us can forget the other’s actions. Instead, we’ve managed to move past them and, I would say, have built a stronger, more honest friendship in spite of past hurts. But like I said, she is the notable exception. Mainly I suppose its an unwillingness on my part to do the work required to repair a friendship that I feel has been broken unless I feel that the other party is equally willing to acknowledge the damage and work to rebuild. And that one time, with that one friend with whom I did rebuild? That shit was HARD! I’m glad I did it to be sure… But it took a lot of time and effort on both of our parts. So I guess it’s easier for me to just let people fade from my life after I’ve been hurt by them. Because while I can forgive, say abandoning me in the toughest, nastiest period of my life (because I didn’t specifically reach out to them) now that I’m on the other side I no longer feel the same about them. I could list millions of examples but I don’t want this to become something where people are reading it and wondering if I’m sending them veiled messages (if you think that – trust me I’m not) but I think I’ve made my point.

Unfortunately, even though I can forgive a multitude of things because I understand the other side (really, I do) I can not forget the way I feel or felt about it and so, we can not be friends. Always forgive because holding on to anger and hate only hurts you more. But never forget, because who is looking out for you if not yourself. Burn me once, right?

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

2011-01-20T12:13:00.000-08:00

Just for the record, I’m REALLY looking forward to getting through the first 10 days... This is a little more “truth” than I was planning on! Anywho. Onward and upward.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself (or let myself off the hook a little) for all the terrible decisions I’ve made over the last four years that have contributed, directly or indirectly, to the state my life is in at the moment. (read: life sucks and its my own damn fault) Even though I made the decisions I made, and fully believed they were the right choices at the time, I can’t keep kicking myself for how things turned out. I’m starting to feel like I have a little grey thundercloud over my head like Eeyore.

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

Bad decision #1 – I’ve known, probably since somewhere around the one year mark, that I wanted to be TheBoy’s wife. I can’t believe that I met someone that I can be 100% honest with, be exactly myself and no more, who is my best friend, whose company I never tire of. And so, in my typical girl way, I figured we should get married and live happily ever after. TheBoy, on the other hand, I’m still not sure he wants to be married to ME even now, two and a half years after our wedding. The terrible secret is that, even after we discussed getting married, after we had bought our house, even after he bought the damn ring that I picked out and added to his shopping cart and proposed (reluctantly?) in the kitchen of said new house, I KNEW he didn’t want to go through with it.

But.

But I kind of ignored what I knew he wanted and went forward with planning our (ultimately disastrous) wedding and (absolutely perfect) honeymoon. Because I was afraid to tell our family and friends… what? That after 6 years TheBoy STILL wasn’t ready to marry me? That he’d changed his mind? I was afraid what it would mean if I called off our engagement. Should I stop wearing my ring? Would I leave him? How could I stay? What would we do with the house we had just bought? Who would move out? If it was me, where would I go? All of those painful questions were running through my head in an incessant loop and all I could think was, but I love him! I suppose I thought I could love him enough to get us through it and once it was over he’d see how wonderful being married to me would be. I promised myself I’d be the perfect wife and that’d I’d work to make him happy every day. I swore he wouldn’t regret making me his wife.

Bad decision #2 – I suppose in terms of the timeline, this was actually bad decision #1 but whatever, this is my blog and I’ll do what I want to. Even with knowing TheBoy didn’t want to marry me, the one thing I knew he DID want was to own a house. I also knew he wasn’t really in a position to buy without me, personally or financially, and I was firm on the fact I would never own a home with someone I wasn’t married to. I also wasn’t prepared to just move in with him in a home he bought with his mother, and he wasn’t prepared to live with me in a home I bought by myself. So for years we rented and waited, occasionally discussing it, sometimes going to open houses “just to see”.

When the talk finally turned to marriage we made a deal. I’d help us buy a house, together, even before we were engaged, on the assumption that we would BE engaged by the end of the year. This conversation happened in June and we closed escrow on our house in August. We got engaged in September. But you guys know what? I think that house was cursed for us. We were never happy there, not really. I think once it was done and we moved in TheBoy thought the house was insufficient trade off for having to get married. And then we started having issues with our neighborhood. First someone hopped the back fence and stole some tools out of the shed on the side of the house. Then someone came back and broke in to the house proper, stealing the entire safe, all of my jewelry (with the exception of my engagement ring which I was wearing and a necklace my mother made for me when I graduated High School which thankfully was over looked on my nightstand), and the last bit of joy we had in that home. It was maybe six weeks before our wedding.

So, pretty much the second we got back from our wedding I started looking in to selling the house. But the market had gone down and our house that we had purchased less than a year before was now worth $100,000 less than we paid for it. So we waited and thought about making the best of a bad situation. Then our house was vandalized AGAIN while we were gone on our honeymoon so we started talking about selling even MORE earnestly. By then the house was worth $150,000 less, then $200,000 less, then it was worth less than half what we paid for it. This isn’t a unique story I know but there is nothing worse than meeting with a real estate financial planner and being told that it would most likely be a decade before the house was even back up to close to what we paid. A decade?!?! The rest is history, tried to short sale the house, bank wouldn’t agree to either of the offers we presented (we had something like 14 offers total), foreclosure auction before Christmas and finally, moving to a new home, a rental.

But in the back of my mind I can’t help but thinking that all of this, the unhappiness, the financial ruin, the stress, the fights, the tears, ALL of it is my fault. Because I just HAD to get married. You know? And the worst part is that even now, knowing how it all ends, I LOVE being married to TheBoy. I’m proud to be his wife, to share his name, to belong to his family. Too bad I mostly feel like I’m married alone. Turns out there isn’t much happiness in that and its all my fault.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

2011-01-19T10:21:00.000-08:00

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Wow. Okay so I think it says something about me that writing about something I love about myself is SO MUCH HARDER than writing about something I hate… Hmm. I’m going to channel my inner Scarlett O’Hara and not think about that right now. I’ll think about it tomorrow!

So anyway, what do I love about myself? I guess I love that I’m normally a positive, upbeat kind of gal. Almost annoyingly so I think. But I do work rather hard to be that way… It is why I don’t watch horror movies or listen to Emo “woe is me” music. I prefer to surround myself with positive people and energy and things that make me happy. Life’s too short and all that right? Plus I always want to be a positive, happy influence in the lives of my friends and family. I’m loyal to a fault and while I don’t have many friends, I’m pretty damn determined to keep the ones I’ve got and who wants to hang out with the girl with the blues all the time?

I also like that I’ve managed to build a life for myself built on honesty because it wasn’t always so. As a kid I struggled with really, REALLY wanting to be liked (changing schools and friends every two years is stressful!) so I would err… “embellish” the details somewhat to make myself seem more interesting. To be honest I can’t even really remember why I did it. I DO recall the moment I finally decided to stop lying about things and started trying to figure out who/what I really am and wanted to be. Unfortunately it also coincided with leaving behind a huge portion of my past life because I realized that most of the reason I was so miserable all the time is because I was trying to make myself be something I just can not be. It was hard, and sad, but I’m proud of myself for learning to be honest with myself. It has helped me learn to be honest with everyone in my life. Now if I feel the need to lie about something, I really try and figure out what it is about that situation or that person that’s prompting me to feel like I can’t be honest and figure out a way to change it.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. – done.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. – done.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

2011-01-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

So I initially read about this 30 Days of Truth meme thing back in November and I remember thinking that 30 days of honest blogging would coincide nicely with 30 days in November and NaBloPoMo. Alas, life had other things in mind for me to spend my every waking second stressing over in November (and December… and the first half of January…) so this had to wait. But I still want to do it so here goes! The full list is at the bottom in case you want to play along.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well they certainly start this off with a bang don’t they? To be honest (since that is, after all, the point) Day 1 almost derailed me from doing this whole thing because… well, I kind of hate EVERYTHING about myself. I don’t mean that in the “poor me” way but in a legitimate “if I could change my entire personality and demeanor I might” way. I hate my laugh, how loud I am, the way my mouth operates faster than my brain and I almost always instantly regret anything that I say out loud, the way I talk incessantly… Frankly, I would be hard pressed to be my own friend and I still am kind of awed by all the people in my life who DO stick around and offer me friendship.

But! Then I slowed down and noticed the object was to write about “something” I hate about myself – singular – which didn’t seem nearly as daunting (or depressing). So when I whittle down the list of things I really hate about myself the thing that pops to the top of the list is that I hate, hate, HATE that I am completely unable to self-motivate. It is SO frustrating to me that I can be completely miserable about any number of aspects of my life and yet nothing seems to spur me on to actually change anything.

For example, losing weight and getting in to shape. Y’all. I can literally not stand to see myself naked. Even when I am home alone and there is no chance TheHusband will see me, I still remain fully clothed until the last possible second when I have to get in the shower and I wrap myself up in a towel and robe the second I get out so that I won’t have to see how fat and disgusting I look in the mirror while I do my hair and/or make-up. Seriously. I completely gross myself out. And yet? That alone does not seem to be enough to motivate me to actually do anything about it. I mean, I’m working out with a trainer and have been for almost two months. You know how much weight I’ve lost? ZERO POUNDS!! I mean come on here! And every time we weigh in and the trainer expresses her disbelief that I have yet to lose a single freaking pound I know exactly why I haven’t lost but I STILL don’t change. I know I need to change the way I eat. I know I need to get more cardio. I know I need to get back into a regular yoga practice instead of this haphazard, sporadic one I’ve got going on now. I know all these things. And I know that if I’m not going to commit to this 100% that I’m basically just throwing money away every month that we can’t afford to waste. But none of those things motivates me to change.

Or, how about the job situation? It is no secret that I hate what I do for a living. I love my boss, I love (most of) my co-workers, I have great hours, work from home on Fridays and I’m really, really good at what I do. But I still hate it. When I was a little girl I never in a million years would have thought I’d end up stuck in a corporate dead end job, helping the rich get richer, and with very little (if not zero) sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Not to sound like a crazy hippie liberal here but I thought I was going to do something worthwhile, make a difference, help people. I thought I’d work for myself, or at least work for a small company where everyone knows each other like family. I thought I’d feel like I was really helping people who needed it – that I’d have something to offer! Instead every day I feel like I am just wasting time, waiting for the financial situation on the home front to improve so I don’t have to stay in this job just because we need to money. I HATE feeling like I’m wasting my life! I’m much more of a “seize the moment because you can’t ever get it back” type of girl and this? This being stuck and not being able to find a way out? But I’m completely unmotivated to find a new job. Because everything I think I might like to do either a) doesn’t make enough money for me/us to live on here in the Bay Area, or b) would require further education on my part that costs a boat load of money that we don’t have, or c) some combination of both a and b. And when I start thinking about it I just get depressed and even more unmotivated!

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - Done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Baby, Hold On*

2010-08-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, it might never be the same
We might never live those days gone by
But we can try

I think I get stuck on “the way things were” or “the good old days” and you know what I’ve discovered? The way things were wasn’t necessarily that great. It’s just that those days were better than the more recent days. The grass IS always greener after all I guess.

Good morning
Let's kick the babies out of bed
How bout you and me instead hanging on
Not up and gone

Okay no babies… But for the record I would kick TheCat out of bed in favor of more snuggling time with you. You know how much I love to snuggle! And in my defense, I think part of the reason we feel so estranged from each other is because of the lack of intimacy in our relationship. You just can’t fake those kinds of feelings – no matter how much I wish I could.

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

Can we start over? Probably not. Too many years of history there. But we could act like we’re starting over, try a little harder to make each other smile, do little things to let the other know we care. I really believe its not too late for us – that this doesn’t have to be the end. I feel like we have our entire lives ahead of us and all we need to do is spend more time turning to each other for strength and comfort and less time filling that void with other people and things. Will you hold on to me?

Baby, it's good to see you smile again
I know we can't escape
So let's pretend
We're someplace else

No doubt things are hard right now. These definitely feel like burdens above and beyond what I can bear. Maybe we need to just forgive ourselves and each other for things that are ultimately out of our control. All marriages suffer strain… Let’s get away – you and me – even if its no farther than the backyard. Enjoy the moments as they come and save the stress for tomorrow. We can handle anything if we stand together.

It's a new day
Let's look at all we've got
It's everything we thought
We ever wanted
It's beautiful

Believe it or not, but this life that we’re living right now? This is exactly the life I thought I wanted a few years ago. What woman wouldn’t want to be married to her best friend? And how many years had I been working on you to move out of the Bay Area because the crowds and traffic and noise make me crazy? How much did I love our house when we first moved in? It felt like infinite possibilities – the whole world was at my doorstep!

How could I have known that all of these things would eventually make me miserable? When did they stop being beautiful and start being burdens?

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

But we still have each other. Maybe that’s what we need? To get back to basics and just have it be you and me against the world? Just like it used to be… Back when I would rather be with you than anyone else in the world – and you with me. Back when our house was constantly filled with love and laughter and friends and good times. Back before the silence and the anger and the hurt feelings and the tears. Lets move past all that - lets hold on to the one thing we know is right – each other.

I look across the room and catch you staring at me
And see the love we almost left behind
So lead me by the hand and let's make up
Let's make up for lost time

Do you love me? Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with me? Do I make you happy? The answer to all those questions for me is yes. But it is a cautious and quiet yes because I can’t tell how you feel. I am afraid to be rejected, to look across the room and see nothing (or worse) in your eyes. You have to make the first move here. I promise I’ll meet you half way, hell I’ll meet you 75% of the way. But the first step has to be yours. Take me by the hand?

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on

Do you see what I see? Can we move past the past and concentrate on the future? Forgive and forget? I don’t know if it is possible, but it is definitely impossible without you on board also. We can start over, build our life together starting now, its not too late, we’re not too old.

Hey, it might never be the same
We might never live those days gone by
But we can try

*Dixie Chicks - Taking the Long Way - Baby Hold On

Thank GOD that it's Friday!

2010-08-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

Y'all. Yesterday was THE most frustrating & crazy day! Yet somehow I managed to keep my sense of humor. Which is shocking as I haven't slept well in weeks* & am on the verge of a two-year-old still hissy fit pretty much constantly. In fact, said non-sleeping is the likely cause of yesterday's craziness.

First, I drove all the way in to work in the morning (an hour & a half) only to realize I had left my work laptop at home. %&$#! So then I drove all the way back home (another hour & a half) to get it. When I got there (having spent a whopping 3 hours in the car and accomplished exactly nothing) I thought I'd go in and make myself some soup for lunch before trekking back. While my soup was heating I thought I should log in to my email from home just to make sure there were no fires to put out. THEN I thought I should change out of my work slacks and into jeans in order to keep them relatively cat hair free since the cat, for whatever reason, LOVES to sleep in the office chair.

One thing led to another and I get carried away sending emails and working on stuff in my inbox that all of a sudden I realize its been well over an hour and I need to get back to the office! So I shut down my computer, lug it out to the car (I was NOT going to forget it a 2nd time) and start making my way over to Palo Alto (another hour and a half). When I get to the office I realize that a) I am still wearing jeans and flip flops since my slacks and heels are draped over the foot board to keep the cat hair off and b) the soup I was making myself for lunch was still sitting on the kitchen counter, totally untouched.

%$@#!!

Oh, and those jeans I ended up wearing to my super stuffy and conservative office? Of course they weren't a cute, somewhat trendy pair... Oh no... These were my hole-y, frayed edges, only good for housework jeans. Super!

*Slept last night though - 7 whole blissful, uninterrupted hours! Thank the baby Jesus!

Insomnia

2010-07-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

Good grief people - it has been 5 nights since my last solid, uninterrupted 6 hour stretch of sleep. Glorious sleep. I have managed in the last few mights to grab a moment or two of rest however I've also been having strange, complex dreams involving people I know, people I don't know, and once, interestingly enough, a person who I am pretty sure was an amalgamation of two different people. And y'all I remember these dreams, sometimes in their entirety! That can't be good.

But! At least I've managed to bypass the stage I was in a few days ago where I alternately wanted to cry incessantly or pitch a full on two-year-old style hissy fit. I might have even seriously considered homicide. It would have been completely deserved and I am pretty sure I could have gotten away with it except 1) I remembered just in time that the victim has a couple young kids and the idea of robbing them of their (cowardly, sniveling, annoying as hell) father brought me back to momentary sanity and 2) I like orange but I'm not necessarily sure head to toe orange would be a good look for me as I'm only 5'2" (on a good day, after yoga, when I've slept, and been to the chiropractor). Nothing says oompa loompa like an orange midget, I'm just saying.

Manipulative Advertising

2010-07-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

*****Just so you know, if anyone is reading this, I'm feeling particularly rant-y today. Two nights of minimal sleep will do that to a girl.*****

Has anyone else noticed this fairly recent trend in advertising that is designed to make you feel absolutely terrible and then go out and support whatever product they are selling you? Its like radio ads or commercials with a side of guilt trip! WTF people?

In California there is this new radio ad that makes me so mad I have to switch stations every time it comes on lest it spark some road rage action on my part. Its basically this mom talking about how her sons were so happy and each loved their brother but then one gets into a car accident and dies so she has to go wake up the other one in the middle of the night to tell him that his much loved brother is dead. I believe the point of this commercial is to get parents to sign their kids up for a teen driving class but I really don't know because I can never seem to listen to the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, its tragic when a teenager dies, but I don't think we should be guilt tripping other parents into paying money for a class because they are freaked out their kid might die in an auto crash... Maybe its just me.

Oh! And that commercial for the ASPCA that features Sarah McLachlan singing "arms of the angels" and shows a bunch of sad/tortured puppy faces? Really? Animal cruelty is a big issue and while I agree there is a special place in hell for folks that abuse helpless animals I do not appreciate the ASPCA capitalizing on my tender heart strings with the aim of raising money. Maybe its a head in the sand thing? Nothing is worse than watching a football game at the bar with some friends only to have half the room crying when this commercial comes on. Also, TheBoy would REALLY appreciate never seeing this commercial again because every time it comes on I renew my push for a dog.

Or what about that new one for some big gas company that is supposedly your car talking about all the things it does for you and how you shouldn't "repay" its kindness with cheap supermarket or discount club gas? I'm sorry but just this morning I heard a story on the news about how oil and gas companies are continuing to post record profits, even while the rest of the nation is in a recession! Do they NEED more money? Enough to justify this kind of marketing? Because I could use a few extra dollars and so I put the cheap gas in my car and I don't feel guilty. I doubt my car wants to make me feel bad for using supermarket gas and not one with Techron or whatever gimmick they've got these days.

Maybe I'm just becoming cynical in my old age? I feel like every time I see a new commercial or hear a new spot on the radio I can totally see right through the message and I hate feeling manipulated! In fact, generally I feel like stamping my feet and doing the exact opposite of whatever the ad is trying to get me to do just out of spite!

Maybe I just need more sleep.

Questions

2010-07-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

I think I've written here before (but am too lazy to go searching the archives for) about how I'm going through a bit of a crisis of faith. As the child of divorced parents I spent half my formative years attending sporadic Methodist services in the various places we lived with my mom and the other half completely engulfed in the male half of my genetic make-up's very southern, very Pentecostal church life. I can't imagine it being any more confusing than that... except perhaps if my mom had been atheist.

Picture me, aged somewhere in the middle school years, having gone to maybe three church services in the entire school year only to be shipped off to spend the summer with my father who went to church not only on Sunday mornings, but Sunday and Wednesday evenings as well. We spent most of our Saturdays at the church, or at some church member's home, or at a park having a picnic with yet more church people. I won't lie y'all I LOVED it. In fact, I would say that the social aspect of church is still the one thing I miss more than anything.

In Jr. High I went to a private Christian school and promptly joined the youth group of the church affiliated with my school. I remained a fairly active member through out high school despite increasingly feeling uncomfortable with the actions and ideals of the church and its members. I haven't regularly attended church services since I graduated High School and by "not regularly" I mean pretty much not at all. Suffice it to say that I've done quite a bit of growing up over the last 13 years or so and I've really struggled with the ideals and things I was told were right as a child and with the things that my grown-up self feel are right.

I've spent the last couple years studying other religions that interested me, not with the thought of converting to anything different but more to see if I could find a religion out there that I could feel at peace with. I've studied a little bit of Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism and even stuff like Rastafari. The combined effect being a little confusing but at the same time comforting. I love different aspects of each of these religions and there are so many similarities of message among them that I can strive towards in my own life.

I love the compassion of Buddhism - the thought that all life is precious and that through right action you can achieve peace. I love similar things about Hinduism and also that no religion teaches the only way to salvation above all others. That directly goes against everything I ever learned in church about belief in Jesus being the only way to salvation. I like the Jewish idea that ones actions are more important in their relationship with God than their beliefs. I always struggled with the notion of confessing sins, being forgiven and then going right back out and committing those same sins all over again knowing you could just confess again and be right back at square one. I love the sheer optimism and positive message of Rastafari. But I have questions...

So... what if there is only the one God? That regardless of whether we call him God, Allah, Yahweh, Bhagwan or even Jah, we're all talking about, praying to and believing in the same higher power? And if that is true then really aren't all religions the same religion just with various cultural and regional beliefs, morals and social mores superimposed onto it? Meaning that in your religion something is considered wrong not necessarily because it IS wrong (I think we can all agree that some things are sins regardless of your belief, or not, in God) but because it is/was socially frowned upon?

And, bear with me here on this hypothetical ride, if we are all God's children (and most religions do have this theme of God being the father figure) then couldn't we argue that Jesus was the son of God in just the same way that I am a daughter of God? No doubt the man was a prophet and a teacher, and a magnificently charismatic one at that - with his message of love and acceptance and do no wrong. But why can there have been only one? And why would God chose to send a son to save only members of one religion (following the thought that all Gods are the same God so all religions are essentially the same)? Why aren't other religion's prophets respected in the same way and their teachings given equal weight?

I know there can inherently be no right or wrong answer to these questions... But it is interesting to think about and study. I just wish it wasn't such a taboo subject to discuss so that instead of having this constant stream of thought and questioning going on in my own head I could discuss it with others. But I've never witnessed a truly "friendly" intellectual discussion of religion that did not at some point result in hard feelings and insults for the ways in which individual beliefs differ. Maybe that is the ultimate goal of religion, to help all of us to learn to love each other for our differences and know that we can all co-exist harmoniously in the world God created for us, his children - ALL his children.

Okay - if anyone is still reading at this point and hasn't become so offended as to delete me from their reading list all together - I feel like I should clarify something. I DO believe in God. I have felt his presence and his love for me all my life. I see God in the beauty of nature when I'm outdoors, I see him in the actions of every day people and I see his influence in the way I live my life. I believe in doing good unto others and in love and in compassion. I thank God for many things, including the inspiration he gives to doctors and scientists and artists and all sorts of talented individuals who make this world a better place. I do NOT believe that God is concerned with the petty things modern religion makes important and I do NOT think that he would be overly pleased with all of the anger and violence in the world that is attributed to his name.

Catching up

2010-07-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

OMG you guys - my last post was March 9th?!!?! So much for that New Year's Resolution about blogging more! Whoops.

*****

So what have I been up to in the last 4 months?

A little bit of this:

Not enough of this:

Or this: WAY too much of this:

A little of this:

Craziness people, pure craziness.

**none of these photos are of me or anyone I know - thank you google images.

Running on empty, running blind*

2010-03-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

~Today is a good day. I woke up this morning feeling more like "me" than I have in ages, maybe even years. I try not to ask to many questions when the good days come but just let myself go and enjoy them but this time I can't help but note the coincidence (or not) that I got to spend some quality time with some great friends and their two adorable kids last night. There is something about the way a two (and a half!) year old snuggles into your lap and then leans in for a kiss that melts your heart. And that new baby smell? Amazing! I may not want kids for myself but man if I don't love borrowing them for a bit. Instant peace of mind.

~Yesterday I got up, got dressed for work, had breakfast and drove all the way into my office (a good hour and a half drive), parked in the garage, walked in and sat down at my desk... only to realize that I had left my laptop at home! Y'all I almost pitched a full on hissy fit right there at my desk... You can imagine all the not-appropriate-for-work words that were running through my head. But! It all turned out okay in the end since I ended up working from home again yesterday I got to see Angie and family on their way into to town for the week. Silver lining? Making lemonade out of lemons? Maybe. I did make lemonade though... :D

~The funny thing about opening yourself up to learning things about life from your day to day experiences is that you tend to pay more attention to what is going on around you. On Sunday I was sitting in my favorite low-key sports bar in my hometown trying to convince one of the bartenders to put the Oscars on (no cable remember?). Eventually I wore him down but in the meantime I was watching the Celtics basketball game (desperate times - I do NOT love basketball) and trying not to look like I was obviously eavesdropping on the group of guys sitting a few bar stools down. Turns out that after a few beers boys are just as bad as girls at disecting their past relationships and giving each other advice on the opposite sex. It was HILARIOUS, yet informative! I only wish I had a girlfriend there to appreciate it with me.

~On the marriage front, I think I had a major break through about why I feel so hurt and angry all the time. Now I need to find a way to discuss it with TheBoy without causing a massive argument. Really I just feel better just having recognized a root issue as opposed to just reacting (and over-reacting) to my emotions which is not really helping the situation at all. Maybe I won't have to bring it up to him at all, maybe I'll feel better just recognizing the issue within myself. Maybe? This self help stuff isn't as easy as it sounded y'all.

*The title of this post has nothing to do whatsoever with the content of this post... I just heard this Jackson Browne song on the radio this morning during my commute and it is now stuck in my head on a constant replay loop.

Freak coincidence? Or the Universe is messing with me.

2010-03-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

I love The Daily Om. Really. Its just a little piece of the interwebs that is all positive and nurturing and encouraging, which is rare I think in the mix of news sites and gossip pages and so on. I forget who turned me on to it... Maybe my sister-in-law Kari? Anywho, I get their daily horoscope emails every day and while I'm not generally excited about horoscopes, these emails tend to be more about things to think on during the day than winning lotto numbers if you know what I mean.

Today's e-mail (or rather yesterdays but it came in late last night so I read it this morning) had this to say:

Vulnerable Strength
You may crave a closer connection with others today. At the same time, you may feel nervous about opening up to others because you are uncertain as to how they will react. You should not let this dissuade you from baring your soul to the people you care about. If you want to create more intimacy in your relationships, you will need to be able to express your vulnerability. Your loved ones will likely be honored that you trusted them enough to let them witness your vulnerable side. You may find that your willingness to trust them allows them to place their trust in you also. If you can let others see you as you are today, stronger relationship bonds will be your reward.

Now. This is either a crazy coincidence or somewhere, someone is messing with me because I have had this EXACT ISSUE weighing on my mind and heart these last few days. I feel like I am almost desperate for the connection of a close friend but find myself sadly lacking in that department due to distance, geographical or emotional. I've always had a fairly large group of friends, not always the same friends mind you, but I generally tend to run in a pack. I am comfortable when I have a handfull of folks I can call at any given moment to share a story, a cocktail or weekend plans. Now I have none - and it is MY OWN DAMN FAULT!

The past two or three years have been extremely trying for me with the moving to a new town and the getting married and the quitting my job and then finding another one I loved and then having to leave and come back to my old job. I know that isn't an excuse. I KNOW it isn't. But I'm a fairly private person and I HATE people feeling sory for me. Its not like I am looking for answers or anything so I generally prefer to keep my private life, well... private. However, the last nine months or so (beginning I guess in July of last year) have been at best the hardest/saddest/scariest nine months of my life and at worst have made me really wonder whether any of this is worth it and if I even have the strength. Its been dark, dark times.

Owing to the fact that I like to keep my private stuff private (and in connection with factors otherwise innocuous) I really withdrew from my friends and family in order to deal with the issues at hand. I've avoided social situations, stopped phoning or emailing people, missed out on major events and... basically just been a really terrible friend. But the worst part is that its not that I've stopped caring about anyone or that I love them less or want to be in their lives any less. Its more that I don't know what to do when the conversation inevitably comes around to how I'm doing. I love hearing how YOU are doing but I don't want to talk about me. Does that make any sense?

Also, combine that with the fact that I have what could possibly be the world's worst poker face in existance and you have me with tears welling up in my eyes at any random moment. Remember when I said I hated people feeling sorry for me up there a few paragrpahs ago? Yeah. Too bad pity is the number one response when someone notices tears. So the only thing I could think to do was hide. And hide I did.

But.

Okay, its not like things are all of a sudden magically BETTER or anything but I have developed a calmer, more positive outlook on my life and I'm really working on making the changes I can and letting the rest go. I'm trying. And I feel better most days - really. But how do you call up a friend you've been basically avoiding for the better part of a year and pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary? Or more important why would these people even take my call? I'd like to think that I would give someone the benefit of the doubt if the situation were reversed but would I really? Who knows. This is exactly the kind of thinking that paralyzes me into inactivity. I don't call because I'm afraid it'll be awkward since I haven't called. Catch-22.

Missing Facebook

2010-03-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

You know what the worst part of giving up Facebook for Lent is? Its seeing no less than three (3!) perfectly fabulous, country-fried, straight out of the trailer park mullets this weekend at the Monster Truck Jam and not being able to snap blurry, dark photos with my camera phone and upload them to Facebook with witty (or snarky - fine) commentary to share! SO! HARD! Actually, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that giving up Facebook for Lent has been WAY harder than my other Lenten sacrifice, which was to give up eating meat on weekdays. It might even be harder than the year I gave up beer... Well, maybe.

The main reason I gave up FB for Lent was to give myself time away from that collossal time suck and focus more on the other things I want to be doing but can't seem to find time for. Sadly, even though I haven't logged in to FB in 13 days I haven't magically come up with tons of extra hours in my day. Some, to be sure, but not as much as I'd would have liked... Probably because I haven't given up playing sodoku on my phone or obsessively checking email.

BUT! I did finally read a book I've been wanting to read for ages (in fact, I've started re-reading it!) AND I finally started in on my project to read the bible (in its entirety) in a year. So I've made some use of my free, non-FB time anyway. I guess I just had visions of having all this extra time to exercise and read and study and write and blog... But just giving up FB isn't enough - I need to find some motivation too!

So we'll see whether or not this little experiment will work, I know I'm awfully sad to miss out on all the (apparently) cute and funny pictures people have been posting, and I miss seeing the little updates of friends and family that I don't get to see that often... But really, how much time can a grown woman with a full-time job, a heinous commute, a marriage that needs work, a part-time yoga study and a fairly healthy reading habit spend on social networking?!

Grace Happens

2010-02-23T13:53:00.001-08:00

The church I belonged to as a teen-ager at one time gave out bumper stickers with the simple phrase “Grace Happens” on them. I forget now what the occasion or event was that triggered this slogan, only that several people had them pasted not only on cars but on office doors, home windows and notebooks. I had mine stuck to the white dresser which occupied my childhood bedroom. Over the years that saying has come back, unbidden to my mind several times in various situations. It has become a bit of a mantra for me – “Grace Happens”.

In the last year or so I’ve been studying Buddhism as part of my yoga experience. It began with a desire to learn more about the sense of peace I feel from my yoga instructors and those who live the yoga lifestyle (and attempt to capture for myself). It has gone quite a bit further than that now, including an ultimate desire to share what I’ve learned with others and go deeper into my yoga practice as an instructor. But that’s all for “some day”, that mythical day we all seem to be waiting for when finances will be as such that I can afford not only the advanced study but also the decrease in my earnings.

It has been interesting to compare the ideals and beliefs of my Christian upbringing with those of Buddhism. Surprisingly (to me, perhaps not to you) they are quite similar, if you subtract most of the radical intolerance (which I do) as being more about various churches and religious organizations and less about being “Christian” in the original sense of the word. In fact, it has been comforting to me and has renewed my interest in studying my own religion again. It has given me back my faith (or at least my faith in faith), and for that I am exceedingly thankful.

One of the main things that yoga has taught me is that grace is more than balancing beautifully on one foot or transitioning from pose to pose effortlessly. Grace is the way we move through the world, interacting with our loved ones. Grace is the way we interact with those we DON’T particularly love also and how we act when there is no one to judge us. It's the way we accept the world as it appears before us, and acknowledge our power to step in and create change, or to sit calmly by and take what comes. It’s the ability to find happiness in the little things, to find beauty in our world no matter how dark and dreary it looks from the outside.

I am resurrecting my old mantra and am being mindful to practice grace as much as possible - remembering to breathe in, breathe out. It is harder than I thought it would be, but I feel a sense of happiness and serenity in it that has been missing from my life almost entirely in the past couple of years. I wish I still had that plain white bumper sticker with its bright blue lettering – Grace Happens.

Use or Lose

2009-12-21T18:07:00.000-08:00

Okay so I'm not doing very well with this whole blogging every day for a month thing... Maybe December isn't the best month for it given all the family functions and work parties and happy hours and baking/cooking/eating? Well either way, I'm glad I at least attempted something like this because it has reminded me how much I love not only writing, but sharing that writing! I have an entire little notepad filled with blog ideas and half a dozen unfinished posts in the works so while I'm maybe not the most consistent blogger, at least you can expect to see something new here occasionally.

This morning on the drive in to work I started thinking about the major office topic of conversation right now which is what to do with the unused PTO people have accrued. While this doesn't affect me (still being a temp and all - but hopefully not for long!) it has been heavily debated amongst my girlfriends and co-workers. Apparently the bank has mandated that team members may only carry over 5 PTO days into 2010. This has sort of always been the unspoken rule in my business line but I gather its been loosely enforced in theirs. You can imagine the panic of people when they realize that there aren't enough days left in the year for them to use up their PTO, even if they took every day off until the end of the year! (This announcement actually came out mid-October and there STILL weren't enough work days in 2009 for some.)

This got me thinking about how, as a child when my mom worked for the VA or the Army, she would get regular leave/PTO and then something exciting called "use or lose" leave. Now, I LOVED use or lose leave y'all. It resulted in many last-minute trips out of town and as a child I absolutely ADORED going anywhere that required a hotel room and a long drive, or better yet an airplane ride! As an adult I can see both the benefits and the drawback to such a system. On one hand it forces you to take time away from work for rejuvenation (absolutely essential in my book) but on the other if things at work are such that you can't just pick up and leave before that time expires well... that kind of sucks right?

But what an interesting concept - use or lose. No one wants to "lose" something, but maybe it takes the threat of loss to make us value it? What if we had use or lose time with our friends and family? Wouldn't most of us make a more concerted effort to connect? What about all those things you are saving for a rainy day... what if the rainy day never comes? Or if it does finally come and those things aren't there anymore?

On TheBoy's and my first anniversary he took me wine tasting in Napa. Keep in mind that prior to dating TheBoy, my experience with wine was limited to a handful of wine coolers filched from my mom's fridge or that Wild Vines crap that used to be so popular (half juice, half wine, full hangover!) so wine tasting for me back then was the most exciting and romantic thing I could think of to do. At one of the wineries we visited I absolutely LOVED this the one bottle of wine. A $70 bottle of wine no less. After much deliberation I purchased one bottle of the stuff thinking we would save it and drink it when we got engaged, to celebrate. Needless to say, my novice wine storing techniques were far from perfect and that bottle never made it. I dumped it down the drain one night, blinking back tears, thinking it was an ill omen for my relationship.

Oh the melodrama! But I'm a different gal now... I am no longer saving things "for a special occasion" because every day is a special occasion! If I want to drink champagne or that great bottle of wine we just bought I'm doing it! With friends, at home with the hubby, hell, even by myself, if I'm alive and healthy and happy then its a special occasion so I say celebrate! For YEARS I've been packing around all these fancy Christmas-y candles that I would put out on display but never burn, but not this year baby! I used to look in my closet and think "that outfit is too dressy for x" or "those shoes are really more for summer" but now, screw it, it I want to wear a silk dress or pink sandals with flowers on them in the middle of winter who cares? I might freeze to death, but I'll look cute and feel great doing it!

So what do you think? Anyone want to start burning the fancy candles, drink out of the crystal glasses or eat off the fancy china just because? Do we think we can make our relationships a higher priority? I'm challenging myself, and you I suppose, to let no opportunity go un-experienced, leave nothing unsaid between you and your loved ones, drink the champagne, spend time studying things that interest you, wear the cute shoes (weather be damned!) and be grateful for everything you have. Every day.

Random

2009-12-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

~I think if I actually knew half of the stuff I thought I knew when I was 18 or 20 that I'd be some sort of freaking genius. Also, I'm glad it turned out that my mom actually DOES know more than me... Go figure.

~I am already sick to death of winter. It even SNOWED at our house the last two nights! Californians can't drive very well in the rain so you can imagine how much fun the commuting has been in the snow. Joy! Seriously, if I wanted to wake up to the snow every day I'd move to Colorado. Its cheaper.

~I've been thinking alot about friendship lately, how it evolves and changes and so on. Its been good actually because instead of being sad about the way things are, I've started really appreciating the things that I did have when I had them and taking care to really enjoy my time with friends now.

~While I am most definitely in the Christmas spirit this holiday season, I am NOT looking forward to the actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day festivities. Its SO stressful to have to drive all over creation to spend a few hours with different parts of the family. No one ever feels like we've stayed long enough! TheBoy and I kill ourselves getting up early and staying out late and trying to have a little time with everyone so much so that we never just get to enjoy Christmas ourselves. One year I'm going to stage a boycott and go out of town! But until then, TheBoy and I are just going to celebrate a little late.

~Speaking of TheBoy, things between us have been really great for the last week or so (as I frantically realize there is NO wood to knock on in my entire cubicle!) and I'm really loving just getting back to being... simple.

~Work is insane. Seriously. Its amazing how much of the day to day hustle I had forgotten about in my 9 months away from this industry. I need a nap. Thank GOD for working from home on Fridays!

~Its a good life y'all!

Reconciling Life

2009-12-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

This weekend I spent some time going through my various notebooks and journals from 2009 and I noticed one common theme running through the entries... I have been struggling to reconcile the life I want to be living with the one I am actually living. Spurred by this revelation into myself I decided to dig out my journals and notebooks from 2007 and 2008 and, not surprisingly, the same exact theme was running through those pages also!

How does one reconcile the life they are living to the one the want to be living?

This morning on the way to work (as I was driving through SNOW over the pass... SNOW! In the Bay Area!) it occured to me that I am not the same person I was two and a half years ago. In fact, I hardly even recognize the girl I was then. I think I can even pinpoint when the change happened. Perhaps not the exact moment, or even the exact day, but I know what it was that forever pushed me into changing the person I had become. What happened then motivated me to change, for better or for worse... And looking back I don't regret what happened because it pushed me to learn, to grow, to accept myself as I am.

But.

Until two and a half years ago my life was pretty constant. I had the same friends I'd had for years, the same job, the same boyfriend... I had been living and working and playing in the same towns since High School. I was dealing with the same issues, the same stereotypes, the same history, the same problems. I had become someone who held all of my personal feelings and emotions bottled up for fear of going against the crowd, for fear of standing alone, for fear of hurting anyone.

I was afraid that if people knew the real me they wouldn't like me and, you know, that actually ended up being true... It has been sad and frustrating and lonely acknowledging that. But at the same time, in the last couple of years I've actually met a few people who DO like the real me. I'm more comfortable in my skin, more in control of my life, I'm happier, more peaceful, stronger. But I'm STILL having a hard time reconciling my life as it currently sits to the life I've invisioned for myself. Maybe this is what life is about? The struggle to create the life you want out of the stuff you've been given?

Christmas Spirit Hands!

2009-12-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

I might have gone just a tad bit overboard on the decorations this year. Maybe. Normally I dig my boxes of Christmas decor in from the garage, with the help of TheBoy, and start unwrapping ornaments and candles and decorations and... get totally overwhelmed. Needless to say only a handful of ornaments ever make it on the tree and one or two decorations get set out, but most of the things just get tossed back in the boxes and sent back to the garage.

But not this year baby! Every freaking ornament I OWN is on the wee little 5' tree we brought home last Sunday. Not to mention the dozen or so ornaments I bought new this year plus the three or four dozen ornaments and decorations my mama bought for me! (hi Mom! thanks for passing down the crazy Christmas gene!) I coordinated y'all. There are "themes" and I even thought about "accents" and "setting things off right".

I've got spirit, yes I do! I've got spirit, how about you?

Okay this post has no point other than the fact that Christmas has officially vomited all over Chez Ghetto and also, that I seriously have a case of the holiday spirits right now. The last few years have been decidedly un-Christmas-y so I'm thankful for this little burst of simple child-like joy at what used to be my absolute favorite time of year. Its the little things y'all.

Favorite things...

2009-12-02T22:12:00.000-08:00

December 2nd... Day 2 of my "I'll blog every day and la, la, la, ti, da!"

What can I say y'all? Life is full!

But I'm squeezing this one in under the wire... In the spirit of my favorite holiday just past here are a few things I noticed, just today, that I am thankful for:

The nine minutes of "snooze" in the morning, snuggling with my two boys
Hot tea in travel mugs for the morning commute
Watching the baby animals in the fields outside of town grow up
Tree lined roads
Hilarious co-workers
My awesome boss
Hilarious co-workers (I know this is a duplicate, but I noticed a couple different times today!)
Tacos for dinner
My amazing husband
The way the cat follows me around the house meowing until I sit on the couch so he can cuddle with me

The love of writing that propelled me off the couch (even snuggled as I was between cat and hubby) to come and post on the interwebs and let you know that I am grateful for you. I love all my IIFs! And I'm honored to have "met" you all and that you share a bit of your lives with me.

Being Constant

2009-12-01T18:15:00.000-08:00

*Anyone else get the irony in the fact that my first real post in ages is about being constant?

I got some very thought-provoking advice on Saturday night from a friend of a friend and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. TheBoy and I were at our friend's house for a surprise 60th birthday party and after having known this woman for roughly 11 minutes and giving a (very) brief description of my relationship with my father she looked right at me and said "you can't control anyone else's actions but your own, so just remain constant."

What I had been telling her, and my friend, was how my father has once again had some sort of come to Jesus moment and remembered he has a daughter out there. The man is actually borderline stalking me on Facebook. He sent me a friend request about a month ago or so and, as I have so far left his request in the never-ending limbo of "pending", he's taken to sending me e-mail messages through Facebook every couple of days or so.

I must confess, once or twice I did reply to him. I know that only encourages him but... he's half my DNA y'all! So my dilemma is whether I should give in and accept his friend request on Facebook and once again try and build some sort of relationship with this man or do I stick to my original plan (which has been working quite nicely) to ignore his existence via the ostrich head-in-sand method? What to do, what to do...

On one hand I'm cynical and jaded and we've freaking been in this exact same place a couple other times already and I always end up with hurt feelings and a bruised heart. Not to mention that after the last time I swore up and down that I'd never, NEVER, have anything to do with the man again. But. There is always a "but" isn't there? But somewhere, deep down, hidden very well, is a tee-tiny voice that whispers "what if something happens and you never get the chance to make amends?" What if indeed.

"You can't control anyone else's actions but your own, so just remain constant."

Remain constant. Honestly I am always going to have some sort of feelings for this man. Whether its sadness at his absence, anger at his unwillingness to think he's in any way to blame for our lack of relationship or wistfulness at the idea of having an actual father... Its useless to try and pretend that I have zero feelings for him, even if he is all but a stranger. I think that is the reason that what this woman said to me really struck a chord. Because I can be constant in my feelings for or about him and at the same time accept him for his faults and know that sometimes he'll be around and sometimes he'll be gone.

At least I think I can. Maybe.

Its just... in the last year or so I've really been trying hard to stop giving other people control of my happiness. I chose my attitude, I'm the only one who should have that power. And I've always said that at the end of your life you'll always regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did. Life is too short for regret right? What if this IS the last chance I'll ever get to try and get to know the man who is responsible for my fat, rosy cheeks or my love of the water or my thick head of hair? I'm not sure if I'll regret letting Jim back into my life... But I'm fairly sure I'll regret it if I never get another shot. I don't like to wonder what if.

So in the car on the way home from the party Saturday night I made up my mind to accept my father's friend request on Facebook and let him into my life again and see what happens. I even went online that night and looked at the pending friend request, leaving my mouse hovering directly in between "confirm" and "ignore" for several minutes before giving up and going to bed. In fact, the entire time I have been writing this entry I've had another tab open to my Facebook homepage... but for whatever reason I haven't been able to bring myself to hit confirm.

Maybe it takes some time to settle into this whole being constant thing?

Na Blo Po Mo

2009-11-30T16:30:00.000-08:00

SO I was totally going to sign on for National Blog Posting Month this year. I figured it would would force me to set aside some time each day for this here blog. But now here it is... the last freaking day in November and did I? Nope!

So I think I'm going to start my own little personal NaBloPoMo in December. I miss this little blog and the great outlet it provides and the amazing people I've met. I'll admit to getting drawn into by Facebook's instant gratification and the ease of quick and witty status updates but my writing is suffering for it.

Wish me luck!

Conversations of Faith

2009-10-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

Me: "I feel like I have lost my grounding... I feel shaken & changed somehow. The 'GOD' of my childhood has collapsed under the weight of my adult life."

Friend: "It isn't that 'GOD' has collapsed... Its religious idealology that has you feeling abandoned. Teachings provide you with the raft to cross the river but once you are on the opposite shore & the raft has come apart you have to walk alone. Keep your eyes & heart open."

Like a Rock

2009-10-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

Isn’t it interesting how you can know someone, for a brief period of time or perhaps not that well, and still they pop into your thoughts randomly? In High School I had a massive crush on this boy… Okay I had a lot of crushes on a lot of boys as a teenager, but I never even managed to let this guy know that I thought he was cute and funny so it has always been one of those “wonder what could have been” memories in my head.

I once had an opportunity to let him know I liked him, but I let it slip by and another one never presented itself. It was sometime in our junior year and it was raining outside. We had a class together, I forget now what subject, and had both decided to skip class that day in favor of hanging out in the parking lot. What can I say, it happened a lot. Somehow he and I ended up sitting in his truck (he had a GREAT truck – some things never change) just the two of us, listening to the radio, talking and laughing. It was great.

Until the Bob Seger song, Like a Rock, came on the radio. I reached over, mid-sentence, and turned the volume up on his radio, pausing to say how much I loved this song. His response stunned me. He said, “right, because of the truck ads”, with a dismissive tone in his voice, “a girl like you probably never heard this song before that.” Now, admittedly, I HAD seen the Chevy commercials featuring this song, I was a teenager after all and spent inordinate amounts of time in front of the TV. But I was a fairly big Bob Seger fan and to be dismissed like that was rather… offensive.

Luckily for me, the bell rang signaling the end of the period so I just opened the door of the truck and hopped out. I wish I could say I said something witty, or sarcastic, or anything at all really, but I didn’t. But every time I hear a Seger song on the radio I turn it up, roll down the windows and sing along to my heart’s content, and think about a boy I used to know, with a charming lopsided grin, who never got the opportunity to discover how much fun it could be with “a girl like me”.

no title

2009-10-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

"I can't eat and I can't sleep.
Sometimes I find it hard to breathe.
I breakdown and cry not knowing why. Now I can't lie...
I'm standing on the edge of goodbye."

Why is it that song lyrics can always provide the words I can't seen to find on my own? Me - the most verbose person I know... maybe John Berry is smarter than me?

"It's a trip, it's got a funky beat, and I can bug out to it."

2009-09-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last post.

Three months? That can't be right! Can it? It seems like with all that has been going on over here in the Land of Tiffy that I should have found a moment or two to post something... Sadly, I have not. Most of you know that I have left the catering job and am back working at my old banking job. Yes, THAT banking job. The one I swore I had left for good a short year ago. Its been an incredibly rough transition but I finally (!) feel like I have made it out of the funk I've been in and I am feeling... content.

I promise more details later on that whole situation but right now the peaceful feeling is still a little new and I don't want to jeopardize it by thinking too much about it. So! Instead I will bore you with some randomness. Y'all know you love me.

~TheBoy is in yet another wedding this coming weekend. I swear he's been a groomsman many more times than I have been a bridesmaid... I had no idea that was even possible! Last weekend was the bachelor party which was hosted at my house. Needless to say I was strongly encouraged to make myself scarce. :D I packed my little overnight case and high-tailed it down to a friend's house for some swimming and BBQ, followed by wine drinking and movies, topped off with a delicious brunch on Sunday morning. Miracle of miracles, my house was intact and relatively clean when I returned home Sunday afternoon. I'm sure I had a logical, rational reason for buying white couches at some point...

~I have lost a grand total of 12 pounds! I elected not to renew my WW membership when the prepaid period ended earlier this month and am going at it on my own for now. I feel like this might actually be it - the time I figure out how to eat and exercise and still enjoy my life while maintaining a healthy weight. I'm excited! Hopefully I'll lose a few more pounds this week before the wedding so I can fit into one of the dresses I already own... Fingers crossed!

~Regardless of the job situation I am loving being back with a group of co-workers that I love. Happy hour is seriously a job perk! I also have learned to love part of my commute. I know, shocking right? When I leave home in the morning I drive through town, past some picturesque wineries and vineyards, over the hill through some county farm estates where I get to watch all the baby animals grow up, and then through a very beautiful winding canyon road. That part is relaxing and wonderful. In reverse its even better! After a long day at the office I sit in traffic to get off the peninsula and over the bridge but once I hit that canyon road I take a deep breath and just let go of the day, turn up the radio, roll down the windows and enjoy my drive home through the country. Its not perfect, but it'll do.

All in all, I'm definitely feeling content. My yoga studio sent out a message the other day giving the definition of contentment as a willingness to accept whatever fate may bring with balance, gratitude and joy. I think what caught me most was the idea that you have to be "willing" to be content. Too often I get caught up in just feeling annoyed or angry or depressed that I miss all the good moments that are going by. I know its hokey but I really believe that people can chose their attitude, that you can chose to be happy and enjoy your life or you can chose to let all the little mundane problems take over and ruin your day, week, month or life. I don't want to let that happen to me. I am willing to accept what comes and just want to enjoy the ride.

Father's Day

2009-06-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

I think I have spent enough time on this here blog hashing it out over things that have to do with my biological father. In fact, I was perfectly content with just ignoring the whole situation and going on about my happy little life. But. I feel some sort of need for closure and before I go and do something REALLY stupid like call that SOB up and start screaming, I figured I'd try to get some thoughts out here. I apologize if they are incoherent.

I sincerely hope that he doesn't celebrate Father's Day. I hope no one gives him a card or an ugly necktie, I hope there are no special BBQs planned in his honor, and I certainly hope no one thanks him for being a father. I especially hope that his step-children don't celebrate with him on Father's Day because THAT is a slap in the face I can't endure. I hope that he feels sheepish when people ask him what he did yesterday, that he gets that red-faced, uncomfortable feeling that comes with knowing you're a jerk but are trying desperately hard to hide it. I hope he's honest when people ask him if he has children. No. He does not.

I finally read the letter. The one that should never have been sent because he read something that he was never meant to see. The one that arrived months before my wedding at probably THE most stressful time in my life thus far. The one that I hid in a drawer for an entire year before convincing myself to open one night when I was home alone and half drunk on champagne. And now I wish like hell I hadn't read it. That's the truth. I wish I could take that knowledge back and return to the place where I was angry and self-righteous and judgemental but also a little nostalgic and hopeful, to the part of me that on good days would day dream about reconciling. But I can't.

At first I delayed reading the letter because I was angry and quite frankly I wasn't ready to be forgiving. I have held on to my hurt and anger for so long that I was literally terrified to let go of it. Then I procrastinated on reading because I was afraid he'd play the victim. It's HARD to be a dad when you live so far away... It wasn't HIS idea to get divorced... Blah, blah, blah. I'd heard it all before and I was NOT buying it. I have several friends whose fathers live on opposite coasts from them who manage to make it work. Frequent flyer miles and long distance calling plans exist. You have to want to use them though.

I was in no way prepared for the judgemental, insensitive and just plain cold detachment I found in that letter. I wasn't prepared for "holier than thou". I wasn't prepared for HIM to be angry with ME. I wasn't prepared to hear such childish excuses and half-hearted attempts at joking, JOKING about how distant our "relationship" is. I am not sure what I was expecting in that letter... But it certainly wasn't anything like what I found.

So you know what? I'm glad he's made peace with himself, with God and that he feels forgiven. But if it were me I'd be a little more concerned with making peace with my family and in actually seeking true forgiveness for the pain I've caused. You can't use God's love for you as a salve every time you hurt some one's feelings. That whole "I can be a jerk as much as I want but God forgives me" is a highly suspicious sounding argument isn't it? But maybe that's just me, my feelings, my projections. I've decided to just put him out of my head. Not like he's dead, more like he just doesn't exist, which as far as I'm concerned he doesn't. Not to me.

Also? I DO NOT forgive you. And I am at peace with myself.

Struggling

2009-06-10T14:20:00.000-07:00

I have been really good lately at keeping my life in perspective and being positive. In fact, I feel like I've become a regular Susie Sunshine over here. I'm proud of this fact because at the end of the day... my life doesn't suck. So I try and keep that in perspective and chose my attitude every day. And it has been working.

Except today.

Today I feel like I am irrationally angry at anyone and everyone but also like I might burst into tears at any moment. In fact I HAVE burst into tears once already today and was quite successful at the rapid blinking back of tears on a couple other occasions. Y'all! This has got to stop! Unfortunately I know there are a few factors at play here and I feel like I might just have to wait this moody mood out.

Factor #1... I have quit smoking. Again.

Now I know I have said this before and never actually managed to quit for good but... if I'm being honest my heart was never into it before. The fact is I like to smoke and thus far it has not kept me from doing anything I want to do. I still run semi-regularly and hike and wakeboard without even the slightest wheeze or cough. But I know I can't do it forever and recently a couple friends have quit which was inspiring... But the clincher came a few days ago when TheBoy mentioned to me that he was concerned with how much I had been smoking and y'all, HE HAS NO IDEA! It's not like I keep it from him or anything but I would guess I do a majority of my smoking away from him so for him to be concerned with the amount of my smoking in front of him then I must have gotten a smidge out of control! So today is day five of me being a non-smoker (and I mean a REAL non-smoker, no casual social smoking for me either - for now) so that might have something to do with my all over pissy mood.

Factor #2... I have slept maybe one night in the last four or five.

As any of you long time readers will know, I have always had issues with insomnia here and there. BUT! This is the first time that my insomnia has gotten a helping hand in the form of a snoring husband. TheBoy has always snored, ever since we met, but I used to be able to kind of run his tummy or, if it was really bad, nudge him until he rolled from his back to his side or stomach and it would stop. Or at least it would stop long enough for me to fall asleep. Well not any more! Now that boy snores no matter how he sleeps and no amount of tummy rubbing, nudging or flat out shaking his ass awake will help. I am at my wit's end y'all. Its enough to drive a girl to hurt someone... What is spousal murder anyway? Spousicide? I'm just saying is all.

Factor #3... I really, really hate this job/commute.

I know it is the responsible adult decision to make, coming back here. The money is better, the benefits are better, its stable and they freaking love me. The rational part of my brain knows that, really it does. I thought I could just sort of grin and bear it and know that I was doing the right thing for me and my family... But on days like today? I just can't! Days like today remind me of all the reasons I left this commute and this industry and swore I would NEVER come back. It might be time to start out on those working from home days STAT. And I feel silly complaining about it, I do. I know that my job isn't the most stressful on the planet. I know that other people have longer commutes than me. Hell, I used to know a guy whose commute was two hours plus WITHOUT traffic. That is WAY worse than mine! And I know I'm not the only person out there who hates their job. Its just that I had a job I loved. And now I miss it.

So send me positive thoughts today guys. I need them. Positive thoughts, a huge glass of wine after work with a friend (yay happy hour - the sole redeeming factor of being back in corporate America) and to get a good night's sleep tonight. Even if I have to lock myself in my car to get it!

Critical Mass

2009-06-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

When I decided to come back and work at the bank there were many factors to be considered, including the fact that I no longer fit into any of my old work clothes. All kidding aside I have exactly three pairs of slacks and two dresses that are both work appropriate and fit without making me look like an over-stuffed sausage. Its sad times y'all. I guess working around food for the last eight months and being able to wear casual pants and t-shirts to work ended up being a bad thing as far as my figure is concerned.

So when faced with a wardrobe crisis AND the knowledge that TheBoy doesn't think "I'm too fat to wear a bikini" is an acceptable reason to not go wakeboarding I decided maybe, just maybe, it was time to get re-established on a diet and exercize routine. I dusted off the old running shoes, dug some weights and DVDs out of the closet and decided to join Weight Watchers. I have known several people who have lost amazing amounts of wieght on WW including a friend's fiance who has lost more than 30 pounds so far and my best friend's mom who has lost 60 (!) pounds, so I know that the system works.

At first I joined the online only version of WW because with the hectic summer schedule setting in I couldn't figure out a good time to go to any of the local meetings. I entered my info, signed on and started counting points. Now, as a long time calorie counter I found the transition from counting calories to counting points to be a little difficult, especially when eating out. TheBoy and I eat out a lot because for awhile I was cooking for a living and didn't feel like doing it when I got home from work and also because TheBoy can not cook. At all. Except maybe canned soup or Top Ramen. I'm just saying. But since we go out a lot, and we generally go to the same places over and over, I had figured out what on the menu I could order that would be low cal AND delicious. But these items did not necessarily translate into being low in points. For example, two grilled fish tacos at a local Mexican place here in town I had calculated as being about 500 calories. Imagine my dismay at discovering those same tacos were 14 POINTS!

WW and I got off to a rough start but I was determined to give it the old college try because I know it works and have seen it work for tons of people with my own eyes. The first week I gained two pounds (I blame those damn 14 point fish tacos!) but I was still not discouraged... I was slowly getting the hang of the system and I was getting better every day. The second week I lost those two pounds I had gained the previous week which while somewhat exciting (woo hoo 2 pounds!) basically just meant that I was back at my original start weight. But still I was not discouraged! I didn't gain this weight in two weeks so I can't expect to have miraculously lost it in two weeks right? So I trudged on, measuring out my 2 point glasses of wine and trying to eat things that were WW approved. In the third week I lost a half a pound. ONE HALF OF A POUND. Now I was getting discouraged.

But! My friend's fiance (the one who has lost 30 pounds) goes to meetings! So I looked up when the next meeting was I could go to and scheduled myself in. That meeting was last night.

So the meeting was held downtown and I managed to get there, even with traffic, the required 30 minutes before the actual start time. I parked my car and followed a group of other women who obviously knew each other around to the side of the building to the enterence. Y'all there was a LINE out the door to register. For some reason this made me feel better because while I hate strangers and would pretty much do anything to avoid speaking to people I don't know I figured all these women must be at this meeting because it works right? So I took my place in line and tried not to look like I was evesdropping on the women chatting around me. That should have been my first clue... all the women there seemed to know each other and were super chatty and friendly with each other but no one said anything to me, the nervous looking new girl in line. Not even a friendly smile was offered in my direction.

I finally made my way up to the main table where there were three women sitting. I assumed these women were the leaders of the group as they were stamping some sort of books that everyone seemed to have and welcoming people to the meeting. I went over to the woman on the far left when it was my turn and said to her that I was new and had been using WW online but this was my first meeting. She sort of looked me up and down and announced, very loudly, "You don't need WW! You need a treadmill!"

Um... excuse me?

So I laughed it off and kind of smiled since I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or an insult or an invitation to tell her my stories of exercise woe or... After a brief pause (which felt like AGES and also like every woman in the room was staring at me) she stood up and said, "Well I guess we can weigh you in." Now, on the WW website it says that during meetings you will have a confidential weigh-in each week. If your definition of "confidential" means the scale is in the corner of the room and not in the center and that there is another meeting monitor (or whatever they are called) standing right behind you waiting to weigh some other poor woman then I suppose yes, I had a confidential weigh-in. Also, I was a good 4 pounds heavier than I had been on Monday when I weighed myself at home which made me feel awesome. AND the woman waiting to be weighed behind me wasn't even subtle about the fact that she was checking my weight out because as soon as I stepped off the scale she announced to the room, "Wow! Your start weight is my GOAL weight!"

I have never prayed so fervently in my life for the floor to open up and swallow me whole. Now not only did I FEEL like people were staring at me, I could hear a few of them whispering... I was literally fighting back tears as I followed the monitor lady back to the table. I don't know what I was expecting of the WW meetings exactly but I think I was hoping for a more positive sense of community... You know, a place where we could all go and share stories about how hard it freaking is to lose weight and encourage us all to not give up or something. I certainly didn't expect to find myself in the biggest clique I've seen since High School and one that I was decidedly NOT invited to join.

The woman who was supposed to be helping me get started was even trying to talk me out of joining! She keep saying things like, "you know WW is really for people with significant weight to lose." So now I'm not fat enough for WW?!?!? Seriously? She sort of half-heartedly showed me a few different packages I could purchase and waved a hand towards a table loaded down with various WW cookbooks and then left me standing alone near the door, presumably so I would have time to make my decision. Well I did. My decision was to leave, I stopped just short of running, and to never, never go back.

Folks, it looks like WW and I have to break up. I guess I'll just go back to counting calories. Though I think I might take that woman up on her advice and look into buying another treadmill. So the evening wasn't a total waste afterall.

You're Fired!

2009-06-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

This morning on the way into work I was listening to the local country radio station and the DJs were discussing how someone at their station had been fired the day before. As these things are want to do, the conversation quickly turned to whether they the DJs had ever fired anyone and then ultimately they invited listeners to call in to share their stories of having to fire someone. There were the funny (one girl had to fire her sister) and the scary (someone got fired for cutting another co-worker's brake lines) and the just plain illegal (hiring your buddy for the sole purpose of staging a fight and firing him so he could collect unemployment).

This of course got me thinking about the two times I have personally had to fire someone. Neither time was particularly pleasant for me, but no one got hurt and generally speaking I think both people I had to fire handled the situation much better than I did. Turns out I might just not be upper management material because I take it to heart when I have to let someone go, deserved or no. I can't help but feel sad for them, for their families and so on. I also tend to be the eternal optimist insisting someone can change and do better even in light of damning evidence to the contrary. Its a personality flaw. I've accepted it.

The first time I had to fire someone I was fairly young, maybe like 22, and as the paralegal/office manager of a small law firm I pretty much did everything from ordering supplies to taking out the trash to making sure the whiskey stashed in the boss' desk drawer was always full. I was quite literally horrified when the boss called me into his office one afternoon after everyone had gone for the day to tell me that our receptionist had to be fired and it was my job to do it. I forget now what her offense was, she was also young and this was her first office job ever (after spending several years with a giant coffee company that shall remain nameless). I can tick off a list of her faults, dress code violations, too much time spent on the internet, too many personal phone calls, taking advantage of the office's lax lunch hour policy... But I'm not sure which of these doomed her. I also remember her being very cool and collected even in the face of a screaming client (or boss) and that she kept the front office immaculately clean.

The boss decided we should let her go on a Friday and my stomach was in knots all week counting down until Friday at five. I can't remember how I opened the conversation, I remember I didn't ask her to go to a conference room but that I just stood in front of her desk while I fired her. She didn't cry, she didn't even act particularly suprised, but she did make a few angry comments about how she felt she deserved better after putting up with our crazy boss (which I could not deny). I remember she calmly packed her things, took her keys off her keychain and left them on the desk, and walked out of the office. I remember watching as she walked to elevator and then as she put her box down and came back in to give me a hug. I never saw her again and she never listed us as a reference, though I would have given her a good review.

The second time I had to fire someone it didn't go quite as smoothly. In fact, I almost got fired myself because of it! I was not much older than the first time I had to fire someone, I think 25. I was working as a store manager/customer service trainer for a now-defunct laser skin care center. The company had lots of problems, the least of which were multiple lawsuits (sexual harrassment and medical negligence) and ended it ended up getting sold to a competitor right before a couple of the higher ups landed in jail for tax evasion and investor fraud. It wasn't the best job I've ever had but when I took it I had no idea what I was getting into and I was looking for something fun and different.

It didn't take me long to figure out that things weren't exaclty legitimate. For the most part I kept my head down and tried to run things as smoothly as possible in my own little store. The main problem was that corporate would go on these massive hiring sprees and then just assign new people to my store whom I had never met nor had the opportunity to interview. This was only mildly annoying at first, until they sent me two new sales people who quite clearly hated each other from day one. This resulted in maybe not the best work environment. One was a middle-aged female, mother of two, newly divorced, highly plastic and very, very high maintenance. She would show up to work in totally inappropriate clothing (highlighting her new... erhm... enhancements courtesy of her ex) and say insulting things to the other women who worked there, to say nothing of her hard-sell, scare tactics with the customers. The other was a younger male, maybe late 20's, scruffy looking, starving musician with what I would describe as a laid-back life attitude. They were like oil and water.

One day the female employee crossed the line. Someone called me to complain about something she had said to them in their consult and as they said the magic buzz-word "lawsuit" I had to get corporate involved. I thought for sure she would be fired then but no matter how many calls I put in to the corporate office I could get no resolution to the matter from them. Did I mention she was the top seller in not just my store but in the entire district? For all of you out there who say you hate pushy sales people I present evidence that those people are successful. Anyway, a few weeks passed and I finally got a call back from the district manager who instructed me not to fire the woman, but to fire the man. Apparently while she was in telling her side of the lawsuit story to corporate she took the opportunity to complain about her co-worker (and competition). I never learned what she said exactly about him but it was enough to have him black listed internally and my orders were clear - she was staying and he was to be fired. Immediately.

I was devistated. Granted, she was the higher producing sales person but she was insufferable and extremely high maintenance. He was popular with the patients and always showed up on time for his shifts with little to no complaining. I couldn't see why we should reward one employee who was being threatened with a lawsuit and fire one who was responsible and hard-working. And I said so. Loudly. To whoever I could get on the phone. When I realized my district manager was adament about the firing I called the regional manager, then the customer service manager, then the CEO. The CEO told me that either I could fire this guy or they would let me go and hire someone who would. Point taken.

I decided to just do it as soon as he came in for his shift that afternoon, I couldn't see waiting and torturing myself with anticipation. I invited him to my office, everyone in the store watched us walk back there. I had never met with anyone alone in my office before, in fact normally I didn't even sit in my office. He was angry, for all the reasons I knew he would be. He wanted to call the district manager to get the full story direct from him but I declined to be a part of it. I figured he had his number and could call from home if he wanted. He turned in his security info and left rather quietly, head down, not speaking to anyone. I sat in my office for the remainder of the day crying. A few short weeks later I got wind of a brand new scandal coming down the ladder from corporate and quietly handed in my resignation. A few years after that I got a check in the mail from some law firm stating that as a former employee I was entitled to a settlement from the company's dissolution. I held on to it for months and then figured they owed me for emotional distress and cashed it.

Summer, summer, summertime!

2009-06-01T12:51:00.001-07:00

Hello June!

I don't know what it is about June that makes me giddy... It must be a hold over from the whole being in school and summer vacation starting in June. It most certainly isn't because it is warm and summer-like out today on the first of June. In fact, it was more summer-like in March when we were having that crazy heat wave... Today I wouldn't even go so far as to say is "warm", more like it is "not cold", but I digress. Just the mere thought of it being June makes me happy and we all know a happy Tiff is a good thing.

Of course the fact that today is June 1st also means that it has been like 6 weeks since my last blog post. Awesome. I know I owe you (the rhetorical you, is anyone even reading this thing anymore??) posts about my fabulous trip to Mendocino, the best girls' weekend ever in DC, the fact that I am no longer working at my dream catering job but am instead back commuting to my mortgage banking job that I swore I'd never go back to, or how about a post about how I have joined Weight Watchers so the end of the world as we know it is imminent.

Stay tuned my friends, stay tuned. There have been a lot of changes going on in the Land of Tiffy. Some good, some less good, but I am determined to stay positive and upbeat because it could be worse. It could be so much worse.

On My Mind

2009-04-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

It will come as no surprise to you, my loving audience (all three of you), that I've been keeping a few things that are going on in the land of Tiffy a secret lately. I do this not because I am controlling and mean and like to do things by myself, which is the reigning popular opinion, but because my life doesn't happen in a bubble and things that are affecting me are naturally affecting other people as well. So I keep mum on some stuff since I never know WHO is reading this particular little page and I don't like to air other people's laundry for them. However, since the one of the "secret" worries has now been brought fully to the table and all parties are aware of of the issues I think its safe for me to share.

But first, the back story... You all know that I left an almost 10 year career in real estate late last year and decided to pursue a long-time passion of mine for catering. It has been great. Exhausting, but great. Oh, and the money is truly, truly appalling. But I love it and the bank is not foreclosing on the house (yet) so I figure I can enjoy it. So, right around the beginning of the year my boss, the owner of the company I work for (there are only 6 people total) came to me with some concerns on growing business and the economy and making the company profitable and so on. It was a eye-opening, slightly scary, but mainly productive meeting with the end decision that we were going to remain open for business and the necessary permits were renewed for another year. Fine.

Fast forward a month or two to me, looking for some paperwork and forms on the company computer and stumbling across a copy of my boss resume, her recently updated resume, along with some cover letters to companies dated AFTER our little meeting. Naturally I couldn't just confront her and ask why the heck she was sending out resumes and trying to find a job when I thought we had a plan but... it made me nervous. What would happen if she got another job? Where would my role be in the company and would there even still BE a company? So I did the only thing I could think of, I updated my own resume and started to quietly let the word out that I might be looking for some work.

Today my boss and I finally had the long overdue chat about the future of our business, the company and our own individual options. And even though none of the options are great (and some are just downright impossible and/or silly) at least I feel better that we are on the same page and there are no secret agendas. I hate feeling like I have to keep something from someone and I HATE feeling like I'm sneaking around behind my boss' back looking for work on the sly. So I feel better. Even though the news wasn't good news, I feel better knowing it than I did guessing at it. Does that make sense?

Anyway, looks like there might be yet another change coming on the work front for me. Keep your fingers crossed y'all and send good thoughts and positive vibes my way. I have a feeling I'll need all I can get.

Friday Randomness

2009-04-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

~ So Mendocino was awesome. We stayed at this really great little B & B and the innkeepers were super accommodating and the breakfasts were fantastic! All the week before I had been watching the weather because a) I wasn't sure exactly I had gotten talked into going to the coast for my birthday when I specifically requested to go someplace warm and b) it always rains on my birthday. Always. True to form the forecast for last weekend was rain Friday and Sunday and general overcastness (totally a word) on Saturday. Y'all, that was the forecast the DAY WE LEFT. Just to prove that those weather people have no idea what they are talking about (an entire industry where you get to keep your job when you are dead wrong!) it was "unseasonably warm" and sunny the whole trip, including my birthday! Woot!

I have loads of stories about Mendocino (and pictures!) but those will have to wait until a day when I can keep a coherent thought in my head and form the words I want to use. You know, a day that isn't today. But stay tuned! Also, turning 30 was both worse and better than I expected. But I survived and no one was harmed so I won't complain too much.

~ In the interest of breaking out of my mascara and chapstick make-up routine (highlighted with blush and brown eyeshadow for special occasions of course), a couple weeks ago I went to the drugstore in search of a new look. Perhaps I should preface this next story with the caveat that I am notoriously bad at make-up. I tried y'all, I TRIED! But its just not for me (and in fact provided me with the name of this here blog!) with all the blending and shading and so on. But! I was on a mission! So I went in and picked out a couple of those eyeshadow kits that come like 3 or 4 colors to a tray and have a helpful diagram on them to show you which colors go where... you know the ones yes? I figured even I could handle that!

So fast forward to last weekend in Mendocino... We were at this pub (more on that later) and a woman complimented me on my make-up! That have NEVER happened in the history of me wearing make-up and I was SO proud. Look at me! Grown up! But then, being me, I was telling her the story about the mascara and the chapstick and the ready make eyeshadow kits with diagrams and so on and she looked me straight in the eye and with what appeared to be genuine excitement said, "its like paint by numbers!"

Paint by numbers make-up. Indeed.

~ So I have discovered that my cat HATES when I do not wear pants. I just now put it together and with that whole hindsight thing I can really see that the absence of pants is really offensive to my poor pet. Let me explain. Every now and then my normally sweet and even tempered kitty will turn into psycho stalker attack kitty and randomly try to bite my legs. He even uses that special meow normally reserved for trips to the vet and that one time I stepped on his tail (which I STILL feel guilty about). You cat owners out there know the one. And for YEARS TheBoy and I have wondered about this sort of bipolar tendency. The other day, as I was fending off yet another attack from psycho kitty with the closest object at hand (a water bottle) and backing slowly into a room with a door so I could lock out the demon feline, much to TheBoy's amusement (seriously? he was LAUGHING at me! I was in danger of being shredded any second and he was LAUGHING!) I blurted out "WHY does he only attack my legs when I am not wearing pants?!?!!?"

And then I started thinking... Why DOES he only attack me when I am not wearing pants? So yesterday morning I tested the theory. I had just woken up and was wandering into the kitchen to get some water before starting my morning routine when I heard that unmistakable yowling, satanic meow coming from behind me. I grabbed the closest thing I could find (magazine) and started backing slowly away from the cat, into the bedroom with the idea of locking the cat out until he could be nicer when I thought hm... I wonder. So I backed myself into the master bathroom but grabbed a pair of jeans on my way. When I emerged from the bathroom WITH PANTS the demon kitty was gone and my loving spoiled-as-hell pet had returned for his morning snuggle.

What. The. Heck?!!?!?

~ I have lost 3 pounds. There is no story to that I just thought I'd share. So, you know, you guys could high five me or something.

~ Oh! In a strange twist of fate you will NEVER guess what TheBoy got me for my birthday... A bicycle! AND I even rode it a few miles the other day without killing myself or running into any cars (scaring the bejeezus out of the driver AND me). It was exhilarating and terrifying but I think I might get the hang of it! SO I am now moving numbers 4 and 5 from my "30 before 30"list (below) from the "no chance in hell" section to the "still could happen" section. The bike gift was a little surprising in that we had talked about getting me a bike for years because I hated the one we have on loan from a friend of TheBoy's mom (do I call him her boyfriend? Is boyfriend still the correct term when you are in your 60's?) but we had never actually decided to do it. Maybe TheBoy has become a secret follower of the blog? (if so, hi honey!) Either way I am thrilled!

And thanks for all the awesome comments on that post BTW. I will certainly let you all know when I undertake any of the items you expressed interest in because isn't it always more fun to do things with friends? :D

~ Facebook is a funny thing isn't it? I am actually "friends" with my yoga studio on FB. Not the owners or the teachers but with the actual studio. It has its own page! AND more friends than me! Actually come to think of it, I think it has more friends than there are students because if FB was any indication the classes would be WAY more crowded. But anyway, I digress. The fun part about being friends with my yoga studio is that they post these really awesome, inspirational updates daily. Being a beginner to the whole "enlightenment" thing and to Eastern religions in general I love to get these daily doses of wisdom.

A couple days ago though the post was "nothing can be true if it is also harmful." For some reason that stuck with me all day after reading it. Again, being a beginner, I had questions! So I talked to one of my favorite instructors at my last class and asked her if she had seen the post and I admitted to having questions as to this statement. Because it is true AND harmful that a little girl was raped and murdered by the granddaughter of a well respected pastor not 30 miles from here. It is true AND harmful that an old friend of mine lost his battle with cancer at far, far too young an age. So how can I buy into this saying?? The teacher, being patient and also kind, reminded me that those posts are meant to be considered more globally than locally. She gave the example of terrorism saying that terrorists who believe that violence is an acceptable means to their end, universally it can't be true because how can something be true individually which is also harmful to the world as a whole? I am not sure I get the finer points but it is something to think on.

Oh and today's little enlightenment tidbit courtesy of FB?

"Shifting and giving in are not the same thing. Shifting your viewpoint requires strength; giving in comes from fear."

I am loving shifting my viewpoint y'all. Have a good weekend! I know I will.

In Seclusion

2009-04-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

I love how in earlier times when people needed to get away they just went into seclusion. Why is this not still an acceptable thing to do? Is it because there are too many people now and true seclusion is sort of impossible? Because I could totally use a little "hiding from the world" time right about now.

Tiffany is in seclusion until the birthday has passed.

And I know that I am annoying every single one of my friends who already passed the 3-0 milestone but... all I can say is... I HAD NO IDEA! I'm just not ready to be 30, you know? And I'm not ready for lots of reasons other than the fact that I just don't FEEL 30 like, remember this?

Yeah. So let's first see which ones I actually accomplished.

1) Get another tattoo (much to my mother's chagrin and my delight, already planning #3)

6) Buy a house (done and done, for better or worse, I am now a home owner)

12) Volunteer for an organization I believe in (that would be this one)

23) Take more culinary classes (naturally)

27) Go to the driving range (I can't recall why this was such a burning desire back then...)

30) Work on a political campaign (yay for my guy winning!)

Hmmm... I guess 5 out of 30 isn't terrible. It certainly isn't GOOD mind you. But better than 0, right? Let's see the ones that are "in progress" so to speak.

7) Pay off soul-sucking debt (oh debt, how you haunt me)

8) Decide what I want to be when I grow up - something that inspires me (am learning that there is a difference between WHO I want to be and WHAT I want to do, also learning that those things are not necessarily compatible)

13) Get a dog (we had a dog for like 3 days... am working on it still, some day)

21) Travel to Italy (woo hoo, Italy AND Spain!)

Okay and now for the ones that I can be honest with myself about and know I will probably never do. It must be part of that whole growing older thing... I no longer feel the need to delude myself into thinking I am something I am not.

4) Learn to ride a bike (it just isn't in the cards kiddos)

5) Train for and complete a triathlon (see #4, above, its sort of a main part of the "tri")

9) Move out of the Bay Area (so long as our parents are here I have this sinking feeling TheBoy and I will be staying put, though we are about as far out from the Bay Area as I could get us)

11) Finish college (just no)

14) Learn to play tennis (see #4, above)

15) Finally learn to line dance (I think my skills are as good as they're going to get)

16) Take salsa dancing lessons (see #4, above)

29) Swim with dolphins (OMG y'all! SO! FREAKING! EXPENSIVE!!)

So that leaves these things, which I still want to do and think I COULD do but haven't gotten around to doing yet. Maybe I'll put them on the 40 list. Maybe. Or maybe I won't make a 40 list. Who knows!

2) Hike Half Dome in Yosemite

3) Run another half marathon

10) See a Broadway show - on Broadway

17) Travel alone

18) Take my mom on a trip somewhere - just the two of us

19) See the Grand Canyon

20) Go white water rafting

22) Go to Oktoberfest in Germany

24) Drive up the West Coast

25) Plan a trip away with my girls

26) See Burney Falls

28) Go back to visit Texas

List time!

2009-03-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

I can not keep a coherent thought in my head long enough to write a real post. I think its the fantastic almost-summer weather we've been having lately. Because occasionally I'll have a brilliant thought and think to myself "I should make a note of that so I can share my profound idea with all the wonderful IIFs and oh! what a pretty tree! Those little flowers must love the sunshine... la la la la la."

You can see how this might be slightly distracting.

So I now present to you, in lieu of a real post, a list of random stuff that is going on in the land of Tiffy.

1) My 12 year old vacuum is on its last legs y'all. Now I know normal people would not feel sad about the passing of an old, and very well used, vacuum. I, however, AM a little sad to have to replace my trusty little machine. She was relatively cheap when I got her, and has seen me through many, many, many apartments and dorm rooms. She's cleaned up after countless parties, ex-boyfriends, kitten mishaps and so on. But she IS 12 after all which is about 10 years longer than I thought she'd last so... But also? Holyfreakinghell people do you have any idea how expensive vacuums are?!?!?! Needless to say I had no idea. Think I could get someone to buy me one as a birthday gift?

2) Yeah. Did I mention I'm having a birthday soon? Surprisingly I'm calmer than I expected in the days leading up to it. I'm certainly handling it better than my charming husband did. But... it also feels a little strange. Like, I'm not ready to enter into a new decade. I have stuff left to do in this one! We shall see if this feeling of grace lasts me until the actual day or if I take to my bed ala Scarlett O'Hara and hide. At least I'm going someplace new and fun which should take my mind of the reason WHY we're taking a vacation... And there will be wine. Lots and lots of wine.

3) I am exhausted. Like can barely get out of bed in the morning, don't want to do anything but contemplate my navel exhausted. And I'm not really sure why. I haven't been sleeping the best, which I know doesn't help, but as an occasional sufferer of full blown insomnia these restless nights are nothing! I thought it might have been work because we have been a little busier lately and did I mention I only have three employees? But I've been trying to cut my hours back a little in the last week or so and it hasn't seemed to help. I'm stumped. Maybe a nice long weekend will help rejuvenate me.

4) I've been trying my hand at the whole running thing again lately. Its free and once I manage to get my lazy ass off the couch and into some running shoes I generally love it. In fact over the weekend I had one of those runs where you feel like you could keep going forever. It was awesome. But for some reason my brain forgets that whole adrenaline euphoria thing almost as soon as I hit the showers. Is there anyway to bottle that feeling a little for motivational purposes? I've also been trying to practice yoga more diligently. But Lord Almighty those classes are expensive! Luckily there are DVDs. But again, after a particularly good class or practice I always feel so calm and peaceful and... well zen I guess. But it doesn't last!! Le sigh.

5) I am still a huge fat ass. I keep losing the same freaking 4 pounds over and over again I swear! It's discouraging. Especially coming up on my birthday. I'm just saying is all. Also? I feel sort of like a slug compared to some of my super awesome friends who are all running 10k races and doing mini-triathlons and stuff on their weekends. Me? I drink wine and eat. Hmm... I think I might have found the answer to the problem in the first sentence.

6) This last weekend was one of the most fun and relaxing weekends I've had in ages. I told myself I wouldn't stress out that there were eleventy-two loads of laundry to do, or that the kitchen floor hasn't been mopped since Christmas, or that the carpets aren't clean enough (see item #1) or any of the normal chore-type things that generally consume my weekends. So this weekend all I did was fun stuff. Dinner with friends Friday night at one of my favorite local restaurants, wine tasting with a big group Saturday, brunch and some fun girl time in SF yesterday... It was awesome. Until I came home from work today and realized we had no food, no clean towels and there are dishes in the sink that have been there since sometime late last week. Well I guess I can't run away from reality forever.

Writing exercise - I am, I was, I am not

2009-03-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with teen movies and like Step Up and Stick It (“they don’t call it gym-nice-tics”) and TV shows like 90210 (the old AND the new if I must admit) for some known only to God reason. Maybe I feel like my high school years were too drama free?

I was not the popular one in high school, despite being a cheerleader (which means something completely different in California than in Texas, BTW) and having a fairly decent group of friends. Maybe I just chose the wrong friends? There was the pretty one, and the smart one, and the crazy one and… me.

I am not accepting of drama in my current life. AT. ALL. There are a few notable exceptions to this rule but for the most part I maintain a strict “no drama” policy. If you have drama and are still a part of my life then… well I love you. Yes, that much.

*****

I am obsessed with food and calories and weight loss and working out and… I realize this is probably not healthy.

I was sick for a very long time over those same things. I am better now. I hope.

I am not ashamed to admit it.

*****

I am a feminist, a liberal, and a bleeding heart. I am independent, strong-willed and opinionated.

I was misinformed and ignorant. I was naïve to follow everything I was told by my “elders”.

I am not apologizing for what I believe. Not ever again. Nor will I ask you to.

*****

I am the kind of woman who is honest and straight forward about who I am, flawed as I may be. I have a “take me as I am” attitude and I finally do believe that if you don’t care to know me then it is your loss.

I was the kind of girl who made up stories in order to get people to like and accept me.

I am not the kind of person to judge you. Ever. I’ve been judged enough in my life for the two of us. I promise.

*****

I am the kind of girl that cries at sad movies. Hell, who am I kidding? I cry at movies, TV shows, books, sad songs on the radio and when my friends are sad for any reason. In fact, if you are a real life “friend of Tiffy” and I have ever avoided your calls during a rough patch it is because I couldn’t talk to you without crying and I knew that wasn’t good for either of us.

I was embarrassed to be the girl that cried at movies and TV shows and sad songs until I realized how many of my sisters out there do the same damn thing.

I am not the kind of woman who will let you see me cry when I am actually in pain. Sad song on the radio? No problem. Serious problem in my life or major health scare? Total secret. And no you won’t change me. Like Brooks and Dunn say… “Cowgirls don’t cry.”

*****

I am a writer, a singer, and a chef. I am a daughter, a friend, a sister (though not my blood) and a wife. I am compassionate, I am strong, I am sensitive, I am weak and in need of grace. I am me.

I was afraid of who I really was for a long time because I felt like I wasn’t good enough.

I am not afraid anymore.

Life's Lessons

2009-03-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

As a child, my family did not have a lot of money. You can imagine that a single mother in the eighties wasn't living the glamorous life depicted by Dallas or Working Girl. But my mother, bless her, made do with what she had and managed to raise a fairly spoiled daughter with a tremendous shoe habit none the less.

However, I do recall an unfair bias towards those who lived in the "poor" parts of town. I went to High School only a mile or two from one of the poorest and most violent towns in all of California and the movie Dangerous Minds was based on the true story of a high school in my same district. A school whose fields and gymnasiums I visited many times as a cheerleader. In fact I had friends, and fellow cheerleaders, whose homes my mother was afraid to let me visit because they were on the wrong side of those proverbial tracks.

When TheBoy and I first began dating we lived (separately) in an apartment complex in one of the most affluent towns I have ever known. Once, while we were walking around the quaint "mid-town" area he told me how as a child he thought that the complex we both currently resided in was "scary" as a child because only poor people lived in apartments, therefore all people who live in apartments must be "bad". Nevermind that he went to school at the emelentary school boardering our complex.

It is random sort of misguided predjudices such as those that really can get me standing tall on my soap box and feeling generally dejected as to the fate of society because they seem so... unfair. And yet, this afternoon I witnessed a high speed chase in my own (completely residential, though fairly affordable so not concidered "good") neighborhood that left me standing in my front lawn, wondering what the hell had happened and conversing with various neighbors about how such a thing could happen.

Perhaps its not a matter of "good" versus "bad" or "poor" versus "affluent". Maybe people are doing the best they can and trying to succeed based on what they have. And maybe there are a few bad apples in the bunch (whether they are organic specials or just plain old granny smiths) that are hindering us all.

I am responsible for my own happiness. Or I am supposed to have a support network?

2009-03-20T11:12:00.001-07:00

So not to get all self-helpy on y'all but I've been reading a lot lately about how to be the person you want to be and how to be at peace with stuff and... well I've sort of come upon a dilemma. There seems to be some conflicting theologies out there about how one goes about making changes to ones life. They basically boil down into a) no one can make you happy if you aren't already happy with yourself and its all up to you to ensure that happiness so quit your bitching and change stuff already or b) no woman is an island and you need the support of those in your daily life to help you find true, lasting happiness so surround yourself with people who share the same ideals and visions for their lives as you do for yours.

In a nutshell.

I assume you can see my conundrum? (Not to be confused with the economic forecast.)

So on one hand, I'm reading things and have these moments where I'm all "I AM ME and gosh darn it it's up to me to make me happy and I like me and GO TIFFY!" Because the independent me who likes to keep her own counsel and deal with her own crap TOTALLY buys into that mantra. I would even go so far as to sheepishly admit to feeling a bit too smug and self-righteous when I hear people complain that their lives suck because hello? It's YOUR life, which means YOU control it so if it sucks take a long look in the mirror and figure out what it is about you that's making your life suck.

Wow its a little embarrassing to write that. Especially sitting over here where a small voice just whispered in my ear "remember how unhappy YOU are, time to take your own advice there sister."

So I thought maybe this whole "I am responsible for my own happiness" thing wasn't the whole shebang and started reading things I normally turned up my nose at. The other side being those who say you can't do it alone, you need help, support and people encouraging you. But see? That flip side? It sort of makes me squeamish and uncomfortable. Because I'm responsible for my own happiness right? And I DO honestly believe that.

So anyway. For all my reading and researching and deep thinking I am no farther towards finding a way to reconcile the life I want to be living to the one currently in progress. But daily arguments with myself are becoming more and more common which maybe means that I'll eventually get someplace and be able to either be happy with what I have or figure out how to get what I want. Or the nice doctors will come with their pretty white jacket and y'all will sorely miss my crazy rantings on the interwebs since I am fairly sure they don't have blogging in the loony bin.

Secrets

2009-03-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know about the rest of you but I am positively addicted to Post Secret. I love how people are so honest and wonderful there. Most of the time I am just jealous that they have the courage to post their secrets for all the world to see, even if it is anonymously. This particular postcard caught my eye today:

My secret is that I also used to go hang out in the nurses office to get away from feeling so lonely in school. Sadly instead of a friend and ally in the nurse all I got was pulled out of classes and interviewed repeatedly by the dean and then the principle about my "eating disorder". It almost cost me my chance at making the cheer leading squad my Junior year in High School.

Thanks anyway nurse.

The woman I want to be

2009-02-28T12:01:00.000-08:00

There is this song on country radio right now by Montgomery Gentry called Roll With Me that makes me stop and think every time I hear it. I've always been big into music and especially song lyrics. In fact an old friend of mine recently asked me if I still have the dozens of journals I was always copying lyrics into. (The answer is yes, I do. Though I didn't realize every one knew I did that.) I guess as a writer I'm always looking for the perfect words to express myself and sometimes these song writers just nail it head on you know? The chorus of this particular song starts like this:

So now I'm slowing it down and I'm looking around
And I'm lovin' this town and I'm doing alright
Ain't worried 'bout nothing 'cept for the man I wanna be

Those lyrics have become the theme song to "The year of Tiffy" that I've embarked on. I want to slow down, take a look around and really take the time to enjoy this life I'm living. No, it's not perfect. It's not even remotely what I had envisioned for myself even two short years ago. What it IS is my life, the only life I'm going to get, and I want to take the time to savor the moments while they are happening because once this day is over I can't ever get it back. Not to sound too melodramatic or anything but I just really don't want to look back on my life and think I have wasted any time being needlessly unhappy, or unfulfilled, or doing things I know I shouldn't be doing. I want to look back and be proud of what I accomplish every day, I want to be happy with my actions, feel content with the person I've portrayed. I want to be the best wife/daughter/friend/sister I can be with no regrets.

I was out working a lunch event last week and got to chatting with one of the guys who is a regular customer of mine. He was telling me about how he spends as many hours a day outdoors as possible, running or hiking or just sitting in the park with his dog. He explained how he thinks life is too short to be bored, how he changed careers after 20 successful years to get into a different field because he was tired of being good at, but not feeling great about what he did for a living. Y'all, it was like talking to an older, male version of myself. He gave me some advice about not wasting time wanting to make changes to my life but instead seizing every opportunity. He told me it isn't selfish to want to make myself happy, and in fact by making myself happy I'll be making those who love me happy at the same time. It really resonated with me because as much as I joke about wanting my life to be "all about me" I struggle with putting my own desires above other people's. His comment was that it's up to them to live their days to the fullest and that I can't do it for them.

I don't know if this man was divinely inspired to speak to me or if it was just one of those rare moments when someone can sense what you are going through and offers some perspective. Either way I've been replaying that conversation in my head for the past few days. Funny how sometimes a stranger can speak to you so clearly, and make such an impact. It reminds me of this saying that used to hang over the desk of an old college professor of mine that said "always smile and speak positively because you never know whose life you can touch with love."

Make it a great day!

On my mind

2009-02-27T07:18:00.000-08:00

I'm working from home for a few hours this morning. I have some admin things to take care of in relation to the new month's menu that I can't concentrate on amid the hustle and bustle of our kitchen in full prep mode for the largest catering job I think any of us have ever worked on. Trouble is, I can't concentrate here at home either! Like for example... why the hell have I been awake since 5:30 this morning on the first morning in days I don't have to be awake this early for work??? It's unfair really. And so, while I try to drum up the concentration required for prep lists and so on, I'll take a few moments to share with you guys one of the things running through my head which is, apparently, keeping me awake at night. I know you are excited.

A few weeks back, TheBoy finally managed to convince me that we should go up and play in the snow. Some friends of ours have access to a cabin in Lake Tahoe and invited us along for a mini-vacation weekend and, in a moment of weakness, and amid imploring puppy-dog eye type looks from my poor snow deprived husband, I agreed to go. For those of you just now joining the show, I do not like snow. At all. I do not like to be cold. I am completely unprepared for it to BE cold. Call it living in denial but the sum total of my "cold weather" gear includes one (1) fleece jacket purchased for me by TheBoy for a backpacking trip because he actually wanted to wear his own fleece for once, one (1) pair of mitten-type gloves that I am pretty sure I borrowed from someone a decade ago and never returned, and a pair of faux Uggs, in pink, also purchased for me by a friend who thought it was funny and that I needed pink Uggs. I also have some assorted leg-warmers which I have been told are both out of fashion AND not practical for snow wear.

Ah... the sacrifices we make to keep our loved ones happy.

At some point during the weekend, while I was being mocked for being so cold (in the SNOW people! It WAS cold!) someone suggested I get a snuggie. Since TheBoy and I do not currently have TV I was beforehand unaware of the awesomeness that is the snuggie OR the hysterical commercials. I mean really... A cuddly warm blanket with sleeves?? Thank you Jesus for the divine inspiration that created this product especially for people like me! Of course, after a few days I had forgotten all about the longed for snuggie until Wednesday of this week when I heard on the radio about the (drum roll please) First Ever Snuggie Pup Crawl in SF!! Can you imagine the strange looks a gaggle of blanket (with sleeves!) wearing people will get traipsing from bar to bar in San Francisco? Awesome!

On second thought, it IS San Francisco so perhaps no one will notice or think its odd at all.

(still giggling to myself that there is a Snuggie Pub Crawl TEAM, ahem, moving on)

And on that note, dear reader, I think I will go make breakfast for the hubby and me before I tackle the new menu and all its associated spreadsheets. Oh, and I should go wash my new tattoo.

Like how I just casually threw that in there? Most of the "friends of Tiffy" know I've been wanting a couple new tattoos for awhile now and last night I finally just went and did it. I've been waiting for the right time for this one, on my foot, so that I would have a few days of non running around to do so I could let it heal properly and since I have a three day weekend this week I figured why the heck not. The artist who did it, who was awesome btw, said he thinks I'll be able to lace up my running shoes in a couple days with no problem which was my main concern. Anyway, there is a story behind it (of course, this is ME we are talking about here) but it'll have to wait for another day. I promise I'll have better, non-Vaseline-y, photos for you then also.

Make it a great day!

Weekends

2009-02-21T14:34:00.001-08:00

When I was a child I actually used to dread the weekends. No, you did not read that wrong. See the thing is, I was an only child. Even worse, I was an only child that changed schools (if not entire towns) every two years, pretty much like clockwork. So, you can imagine that I 1) did not have many friends and 2) had no one at home to play with when I was bored except dolls and my mom. Now my mom is a patient woman but there is only so much "playing" a woman in her late-thirties or early-forties can endure with a child right? I can't even imagine really.

So, in an odd twist of fate I used to dread Friday afternoons and I absolutely LOVED Monday mornings. Friday afternoons promised nothing more than endless TGIF on TV (thank you Full House) and hours of reading in my room by myself. You can see why as a child I was prone to such odd tendencies as sectioning off our kitchen to play "chef" with my parents' breakfast, or constructing outfits out of paper grocery bags. Ahem. Though on a positive note, I believe that THIS is why I have always been an avid reader. Silver lining indeed. On the flip side Monday mornings meant an entire week's worth of learning (huge dork!) and also at least some contact with people my own age. Even if it was awkward and painful.

Thankfully at some point around High School I managed to collect a few friends AND some outside of school interests so I began to look forward to the weekends like most normal people. Once I started working it was even better because I could finally complain (with a valid reason) about having to get up early for work and so on. Weekends were filled with shopping trips with the girls or parties at some one's house or (later) going out dancing until the wee hours. Monday mornings meant suits and contracts and hours upon hours in front of a computer monitor. Finally I was normal.

But lately I've begun dreading the weekends again and looking forward to Mondays. I'd like to think that it is mostly because I love my new job and finally can look forward to going to work because there is fun stuff to do there and I'm fairly good at it. Sadly I know that the loving work thing isn't really the entire reason I dread the weekends. If I'm being honest, it probably has more to do with the fact that it is now almost 3 pm on a Saturday and so far today I have worked out, done laundry, cleaned the bathrooms and run errands. You can see this is not as exciting as my earlier days of dancing or shopping with friends. In fact, today it has gotten so bad that I've resorted to doing chores I NEVER do (like removing everything off shelves and washing them, with soap and water(!), before spraying them with the wood cleaner/polisher and then putting everything back) just so I will have something to do to occupy my time.

And I know I COULD do something about it. But I really don't want to drive an hour to meet up with friends for an hour. That math doesn't compute in my brain (1 hour there, 1 hour of fun, and 1 hour home). And they. likewise, don't feel like driving an hour to come hang out with me for an hour. So here I sit, stalking people on Facebook, as I wait for the dryer to turn off so I can throw another load of laundry in and wait for it to be Monday.

I told you people I was complicated and you wouldn't understand.

P.S.

2009-02-18T19:45:00.001-08:00

I know I owe some of you interview questions from last month. I'm working on them I swear! Lets just say my computer time is limited. But I will get them to you soon!

Promise!

That. Girl.

2009-02-18T19:22:00.000-08:00

In High School I used to know this girl, well "know" isn't maybe the right word. I knew by sight and occasionally spoke to, this girl whom I went to high school with (that's better) who had this reputation around school as "the party girl". In fact, you know those Senior polls every high school seems to do around year book time? Well she was up for the "life of the party" award our Senior year and rumor had it that she was campaigning heavily AGAINST herself because she didn't want to have her party status recorded for all eternity.

You know, she didn't want to be "that girl".

Ahh... How I loathe those words. That. Girl.

In fact in high school I spent considerable amounts of time trying to live up to other people's (unrealistic) expectations of me and any time I slipped, even a smidge, from being "perfect" I would be labeled as "that girl". "That girl" also was known by such other titles as "such a disappointment", "not living up to her potential" and my all time favorite "the bad influence".

Now people, I grew up in the church. My father (the one I never speak to admittedly, but whom I DID see when I was wee) was some sort of deacon or elder and my mother always took me to church. I went to a Christian school in the 2nd and 3rd grades, and then again in junior high school. I was active in my youth group until the end of high school, never missed a Sunday service and had a freaking promise ring for that whole "true love waits" movement. I was hardly a bad kid. In fact, looking back I would say I was damn near saintly when compared to other teens!

Wow. Tangent much?

So. As I was starting to get at before I climbed up on a little soap box there, someone today called me "the biggest party girl I know". My initial reaction was "ouch" followed by the ever-present justification of "well she doesn't know me THAT well". But on my way home from work today I started thinking about the differences between the person that we all are, that deep down inside being honest with ourselves person that we ARE, and the person we portray to the world. And I realized, almost shamefully, that the person I portray is not even close to the person that I think I am, OR the version of myself I am working so hard to be.

So then I started thinking about WHY I portray such an out of character persona... All I can come up with is that I feel like I don't really have anyone who understands ME, the real me.* I either know people I met years ago who are used to a certain version of me, or I meet people now whom I instinctively distrust (whole other issue I know) and feel like I can't be myself around. But then I think... These people in my life don't know the real me because I don't let them in to SEE the real me. It's a catch 22, you know? My friends don't know me because I don't let them in on anything real, and then I feel like I don't have any friends because no one understands the real me.

I guess I really am that girl.

*Before I get a bunch of hate mail from the real life "friends of Tiffy" please stop to consider the truth of that sentence...

Derailed

2009-02-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

As someone who routinely shoves her foot in her mouth by saying the wrong thing and whose mouth never slows down to listen to her brain, I truly appreciate when I see other people do the same thing. Its amusing and also comforting to see that dawning look of "holy crap I didn't mean it THAT way" followed by some rapid fire back-pedaling. At least I know I am not the only one you know?

But today I witnessed this very thing, and it was directed at ME! I'm still chuckling to myself right now, not sure if I should be flattered or insulted but I certainly laughed harder than I have in ages. Even though I know I won't do it justice (in lines with that whole "you had to be there" thing) I'll try to describe what happened.

So I mentioned before that my company is helping to sponsor this fitness challenge that starts on V-Day. There are a few personal trainers, some massage therapists, sports medicine folks and then us (we do the pre-packaged fitness meals). Today, I was describing to a different trainer (not involved) what exactly was involved with the challenge and so on. I had mentioned in passing that I wished I had the money to join up because I would love to see that kind of transformation in my own work outs and he was describing some of the results he's had with various clients.

All of a sudden he blurted out, "I'd love to get my hands on your body!"

*~crickets~*

Y'all! What could I do? I burst into laughter, the kind where you can't really breathe because you are laughing so hard? The poor guy was half-heartedly chuckling along with me, alternating between laughter and back-peddling like crazy, trying to decide if I was going to slap him with some sort of lawsuit I'm sure. I managed to decipher through the haze of hilarity that apparently this guy has had great success with petite ladies who want to do fitness shows and has decided that I have what it takes to be fairly successful at it.

Made my day to be honest. :D

An oldie but a goodie

2009-01-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

So even though I have done this particular thing before, I am giving it another shot. Truth is I love learning little tidbits about people. What can I say? So thanks again to Kate for sending me the questions.

Also, I have no idea what is going on with the different fonts in this post but for some reason can't figure out how to make it better. Sorry. **wait I think I fixed it**

If you could go back and change one moment in time, what moment would it be?

Hm. This is tricky. Normally I have a strict no-indulging-in-what-if-I-could-change-the-past rule because while I certainly have regrets I think my past made me who I am today and brought the people into my life that I have now and that I would not change for a million dollars. However. In the interest of this question I'll go with the first thing that popped into my mind, sad as it will sound.

(takes a deep breath and hopes she doesn't get a lot of crap for this...)

I wish I could go back and change my wedding. I can't think back to the exact "moment in time" when the wedding stopped being about what I wanted it to be about and became this... other thing that made me miserable and from which I can't find a single good memory without it being immediately followed by two or three bad memories. Maybe I would take back the day TheBoy and I went out and found the boat we had the wedding on, which happened before we were even engaged btw. Or maybe I would take back the day I bought the dress I grew to hate. Maybe I would have fought harder the day I let TheBoy talk me out of just driving to City Hall and having done with the whole thing because he said our families would never forgive us. Maybe I wouldn't have spent time choosing my engagement ring with TheBoy, a ring I now only wear maybe 4 days a month. Maybe I wouldn't have said yes. I'm not sure how far back I'd have to go to erase the memory... Its a slippery slope isn't it?

And before I start getting a bunch of comments about how sad this all is... Save your fingers the typing. Yes I wanted to get married and yes I am happy with TheBoy and yes it does mean a lot to me that we are married. I just wish I didn't have THESE memories of that particular day that is supposed to be this huge deal. Its not like I can take it back, you know? You only get ONE wedding day. I wish mine were different is all. Maybe I should go back to the moment when I got it stuck in my head, probably sometime around the time I was eight years old, that my wedding day would be this wonderful, happy, fairy-tale of a day and give myself a reality check.

Share your most embarrassing story.

Oh Kate. I'm not sure if I should shake my head at your naivety or be ashamed that I actually had to consider WHICH embarrassing story to share. My name is synonymous which embarrassing and my stories are many and they are mortifying. However, remembering that this is a family blog ~ahem~ I'll tell you about the time I propositioned my now brother-in-law.

I had been invited to dinner with TheBoy, his father and step-mother and his brother to celebrate... something. That particular detail is unimportant. What IS important to know is that I had only met these people on ONE other occasion at this point and that I was REALLY nervous. We went to this Italian restaurant which was WAY fancier than any place I had been before. (Did you guys know that before TheBoy I had done absolutely zero fine dining and had NEVER drank wine aside from that wine mixed with fruit juice stuff? I guess you could say he took this little small town, beer drinking girl and... well he created a monster I guess. Just a little random tidbit of info for you Tiffy fans out there. Moving on.) So the only other time I had met TheBoy's brother he had this girlfriend he'd been dating for ages, like since college or something, named Liz. Liz was conspicuously missing from this second dinner so, when an appropriate time arrived in conversation I asked him about her. Well it turns out that they had recently broken up. Being a somewhat typical girl I made all the appropriate comments about how sad that was but how I'm sure he'll find someone fantastic in no time and so on. And then, in what I can only describe as one of those moments where you actually SEE the train shifting a little off the track but are powerless to stop it, I blurted out "that's okay I'd like to have both brothers."

~crickets~

Needless to say the table fell silent, both I and now brother-in-law turned interesting shades of purple, TheBoy shot me a look of what-the-hell-just-came-out-of-your-mouth-woman and I seriously considered sliding under the tablecloth to wait out dinner. However, these people being much more refined than I, and mercifully forgiving to boot, after an awkward cough or two the conversation continued on to other subjects and I made it through the second meeting of my future in-laws with no other mishaps. TheBoy loves to torment me with that story occasionally. Now brother-in-law and I never discuss it.

Where would you choose to go if you could win an all expenses paid trip anywhere in the world?

Italy. No question. My only problem would be deciding which places in Italy to visit and in which order. Can my all expenses paid trip be for like 3 months? That would be super. Because I want to do the tourist thing and see all the historical sites like the Vatican and Rome and Venice and Florence and so on but I also kind of just want to find a little village on the coast where I can swim and walk around exploring and drink homemade wine and dip crusty loaves of fresh baked bread into homemade olive oil and eat my weight in fantastic Italian food cooked for me by some one's grandma who doesn't speak a word of English but loves me and my enthusiasm for good food and good wine.

Wow I didn't think I had put that much thought into this fantasy trip of mine but... I guess its fairly clear I have! ~sigh~ I guess I should start playing lotto.

What is your fondest memory as a child?

Okay so I saved this one for last because... well because the first memories that popped into my head are memories that I don't want to be my happiest memories. That doesn't make any sense at all. Let's see if I can explain, or at least work it out in my own head, here in writing for all of you guys to witness my neurosis. So as a child of divorced parents I spent most of my summers in Mississippi with Jim (my father) until I was like ten or eleven. So the combination of it being summertime (yay!) and being with my father, who lived far away and I didn't see often, and the age that I was, means that most of my happy childhood memories involve him.

And I wish they didn't.

So I suppose I could sit here and spout memories of swimming until my fingers were prunes, or the excitement of getting up early for church on Sunday because "daddy" had to get there early, followed by big lunches at Po' Folks or Shoneys and lazy Sunday afternoons spent playing in the park or napping quietly indoors to escape the heat and humidity. But I don't want to. And I struggle with this more than I probably should.

Instead I'll tell you about a friend of my mom's whose name I can not remember but who had this beautiful, and huge, horse named Rio. Why can I remember the horse's name but not the woman's? Anyway. Like all little girls I loved horses. My mom shares this love to this day in fact. I had riding lessons and the whole nine yards. Somehow my mom managed to get me an invite to go up to the hills and ride this woman's fantastic horse. It was like flying. I think I can safely say that is the largest horse I have ever ridden, though I will allow for the fact that every thing seemed bigger when I was young. Even though I'm probably only like four inches taller now than I was then. Ha. Its funny what I can remember about that day (all but this poor woman's name!). It was slightly rainy and overcast, that kind of day where you kind of feel the rain sitting in the air? I was wearing jeans (shocking) and I remember being sore, that good kind of saddle sore, afterwards. I remember being shy and a little afraid to ride such a big horse but loving it once I was up in the saddle. I remember feeling tall (don't laugh) and I remember feeling that I was somehow more powerful through osmosis.

Which social cause is near and dear to your heart, and why?

Right now I'm spending a lot of time poking around over at the Courage Campaign. Though I have yet to host an event or anything, I do try and get the word out and help where I can because I believe in separation of church and state and I think that discrimination, for ANY reason, is wrong. In the past I have also volunteered with women's shelters and orphanages and I did a little dialing for dollars on the Obama campaign. Lets just say I'm a big fan of equality and will do pretty much anything in my power to ensure it. Sadly there isn't much IN my power to do which is SO frustrating!

*****

THE RULES: 1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” 2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Perspective

2009-01-29T12:27:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have this GRAND VISION for the life I want. You know, the one in which I am fit and healthy and happy and spending my weekends doing fabulous things (mostly outdoors, natch) and have loads of wonderful friends to hang out with all the time?

Yeah, that vision.

The problem is... I can't seem to figure out how to get from here, the place where I am fat and out of shape, super lonely and sad all the time, to there. It's almost like THAT life is a 180 turn from THIS one and I'm stuck in an either/or situation.

You know what I mean?

Look at me go!

2009-01-23T10:39:00.001-08:00

Three posts in one week y'all! Woot!

This new development just might have something to do with the fact that I have figured out how to blog from my cell phone, thus giving me more access since I am so very rarely in front of a computer any more. Though I do find it amusing that the one day I AM in front of a computer that none of the real life "friends of Tiffy" are online to chat with. Harrumph.

You know what else is amusing? The people at my gym who will drive around the parking lot for ages waiting for a close spot to park, right near the door, rather than just parking at the outer edges of the lot where there are plenty of spaces and walking in. I mean theoretically these folks are on their way to work out right? I wouldn't think that a 100 yard walk would be terribly out of the question if you are about to log several miles on the treadmill. But what do I know?

Speaking of the gym, I am having a super hard time staying motivated right now. It might have something to do with the fact that I have been busting my A$$ for weeks and watching what I eat and so on and have somehow (known only to God and my fat cells) managed to GAIN 2 pounds. Again I say to Mother Nature "what the hell"??? However, my company is sponsoring this fitness challenge thing that starts on V-Day and I am sorely tempted to join up. If it weren't for the $500 price tag I would have been the first in line but since catering doesn't pay nearly as well as mortgage banking I'm torn. Though since I am a mere 15 or 20 pounds away from my Heaviest. Weight. Ever. I am thinking it might be time to throw a little money at this problem. Because if I end up at that weight again I might just shot myself and have done with it.

I'm of course not 100% serious about the whole shooting myself thing. Only like 95% serious. It is a super, SUPER depressing thought. I'm just saying.

I suppose since none of my friends seem to want to come online to play with me I should go run errands and get some of the never-ending laundry and house-cleaning done before TheBoy and I head up to Shasta for the weekend. Here's to warm drinks by the bonfire, ping pong tournaments and good times with friends. Hopefully you all have a great weekend also!

Enough!

2009-01-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

As I approach my 30th birthday I have come to accept that getting older means lots of good things like independence and being sure of myself and feeling confident and sexy and so on. Trust me, in my search for the silver lining I have bought into ALL of that stuff. I am 30! I am strong and independent! I am beautiful! Yada, yada, yada...

However, there are certain parts that are coming with getting older that I don't feel are particularly fair. For example the fact that I now know what under-eye concealer is for, and that I use it almost every day because either those dark circles under my eyes are getting darker or I'm becoming more paranoid about it. Either way, not good. And don't even get me started about that time I sneezed and... well lets just say that was a huge WTH moment. I mean really? What. The. Hell?!?!?!

But this morning I woke up to find the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I have a HUGE zit, right in the center of my nose ala Rudolph. And that sucker is painful! So on top of the dark eye circles and the dry skin and the *ahem* other joys of turning older I am now going to start breaking out like a freaking teenager? To that I say, enough Mother Nature.

Enough.

Public Service Announcement

2009-01-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

To all my single IIFs, I now bring you the following news announcement. If you are looking for Mr. Right and are particularly fond of the tall, broad-shouldered, military and/or athletic type GET THEE TO YOUR NEAREST GUN SHOW!

TheBoy really, really, REALLY wanted to go to a gun show in San Francisco over the weekend and I, being the saintly wife that I am, agreed to accompany him. Best Saturday morning eye candy EVER! Seriously. If I wasn't already Mrs. TheBoy I would have been sorely tempted to smile back at any number of strapping men folk who were smiling in my direction. Perhaps it was the novelty of seeing a female at the show (I counted maybe another dozen ladies in attendance total) or maybe those boys are just friendly but...

Seriuosly. Gun Show. Who knew?

Being selfish

2009-01-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

I have this theory that a vast majority of the world's conflicts could be solved if people would put themselves in the shoes of the other side to gain perspective. I wish people would take the time to consider things from the opposite view point a little more. Less "all about me" and more "what about them". If only people stopped to think what effect their actions and words would have on the recipient and/or witness to said words and actions... If only.

However, today on my way home from work (driving with the top down, IN JANUARY! Woot!) I was contemplating my new resolution to focus a little more on me and discovered that I have been practicing my own theory a little TOO much. I find that I care overmuch about other people's feelings, I am focused solely on my loved one's happiness to the detriment of my own. I imagine that in a perfect world I would be 100% focused on the happiness of my husband, my family, my friends and that they in turn would be 100% focused on MY happiness. Wishful thinking or just naivety? Hmm...

Either way, its safe to say that I spend a lot of time thinking about my loved ones and worrying about what I can do to make them happy which in turn leads to a lot of time spent nursing hurt feelings because they either don't seem to care that I have agonized over their happiness or that they don't seem to care as much about MY happiness as I do theirs. I think this whole "looking out for my star player"* thing is going to be more work than I thought considering its only half way through January and I am already struggling with it.

At least I am getting better at recognizing when my feelings are hurt because someone is actually a jerk as opposed to when my feelings are just hurt because I was hoping someone would take the initiative to make ME happy. I suppose people aren't mind readers and they can't be expected to just KNOW what I want in order to be happy. Though I think a little consideration wouldn't hurt. It's a fine line isn't it? Between being a little selfish and taking people for granted?

*Brownie points and my undying respect if anyone knows the quote.

What used to be and what is

2009-01-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

I used to have pretty hands. No really. You know when people ask you what your favorite feature is and you try to laugh it off with something like “my fantastic, sarcastic wit” or something but what they really want is a physical feature? Most people I know would say eyes, or smile, or tush. But for me, it was always my hands. I was proud of them; I kept my nails manicured and always wore lotion… Maybe it was a little vanity thing on my part but I don’t care. I thought I had pretty hands.

I no longer have pretty hands. I now have cracked, chapped, dry, flaky, food-stained, bleach soaked hands. My nails tear on almost a daily basis from soaking in too much water, which is an amazing feat in and of itself because I keep them cut super short. I feel like I now have old lady hands, all that is missing are the age spots. But strangely enough I don’t really care. In fact, I would even say that in some way I’m even proud of my ugly hands. They are working hands, they got this way doing something that I love.

I used to have an obsession with pretty shoes. Nine West, Kenneth Cole, Anne Klein, Via Spiga, Steve Madden, Betsey Johnson, Paolo… I love these brands and I would literally be as giddy as a 7 year old on Christmas morning every time I got a new pair. Since in my wardrobe I tend to stick with the basic neutral colors like black, brown, gray, and beige, I would always buy outrageously colored shoes. Pink and white polka-dot pumps, teal blue sandals, orange and yellow cork soled wedges, burgundy red peep-toe mary-janes, cherry red ballet flats. I love ALL of those shoes.

However, now I wear shoes that fall under the category of “comfort” and “orthopedic”. I spend a majority of my days and weeks standing, running, climbing stairs and step-ladders and lifting heavy items. All of my designer shoes are painfully inappropriate now, for reasons other than their ridiculously high heels and their open toes. I recently broke down and purchased two pairs of shoes for work. But when I opened the box, instead of feeling the elation that usually accompanies a fantastic new shoe, all I felt was relief that I would have something to wear that wouldn’t make my feet ache by lunch and mild amusement that they weren’t quite as ugly as they looked online. Almost, but not quite.

I used to have other things also. Things I took for granted like, current email correspondence, a balanced checkbook and regular access to the internet for research, education and fun. Now I’m pretty sure most of my friends have given me up for lost, it just took me almost TWO HOURS to balance our checkbook because I haven’t done it in so long and I now rarely get to play on the internet for any purpose. I check my email every couple of days (though I rarely have time to respond in detail to anything), I catch up on reading what you all have posted on your blogs and I make mental notes for blog posts. Y’all, if someone would invent an easy (and legal) way to blog post from your car while driving I would be the most prolific blogger on earth. I seem to always have great ideas when driving and even sometimes compose entire posts in my head. Of course I can never remember them when I am sitting and staring at a blank Word document. Of course.

What I DO have now is a job that I actually enjoy. I wake up every morning and know that I have something to do today that is enjoyable and not an odorous chore to be dreaded and bitched about. I have a (modestly) clean home. Even though I have had to let go of some of my AR tendencies out of necessity and fears for my sanity, our home is generally clean and tidy. The fact that our Christmas decorations are still up is neither here nor there. Ahem. I have healthy groceries in the fridge and manage to cook something both healthy AND tasty most nights of the week. I have a snuggly kitty who lays on my feet at night since it is cold and I occasionally find a minute or two to read at night before exhaustion forces my eyes closed. I have been working out regularly again and between the working out and the actual work I actually feel tired, physically tired, at the end of the day. And that feels good my friends. Very, very good.

Resolute

2009-01-08T09:09:00.001-08:00

Hello and Happy New Year!

I can not honestly believe that it is already 8 days in to 2009. Where is the time going? And could we slow it down? Maybe? Just a smidge? I am seriously not ready for this year, the year in which I will leave my 20's behind entirely. Lucky for me TheBoy is first on that front though judging by his reaction I might as well put in my request at work to hibernate the entire month of April.

In the spirit of the season I did make some resolutions. Actually I sort of made one big resolution and am hoping that a lot of other things will fall into place because of it. I have deemed 2009 to be the year of me. I realize that sounds selfish but trust me people I am about the LEAST selfish person you could ever know. I've been referred to as a doormat more times than I care to remember. But never mind that, THIS year I will be different. I will work to improve ME as my number one priority. I want to do things, accomplish things, change things... This will be the year I actually DO.

I hope.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-25T08:07:00.000-08:00

In these few early morning moments I have before I need to start getting ready for the not one but three Christmases I am attending over the next two days I thought I would take a minute to wish you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or whatever your pleasure is this time of year. Its been a long, crazy year for this girl but I'm looking forward to spending some time with my friends and family in the coming days and excited about ushering in a new year. I wish the same for all of you.

Cheers!
Tiff

PS - Please ignore the bar thing hanging out behind the Christmas tree there... Home improvement never ends, not even for Christmas.

PPS - The cat is currently laying in that exact location, only this time he's chewing on the ends of all the ribbon on people's gifts. That would explain the cat-retching sounds that woke me earlier. Its a good thing that cat is cute I tell you what.

The Christmas Spirit

2008-12-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

As a child Christmas was my favorite holiday, even more exciting than my birthday, which I didn't start loathing until sometime around 18 or 20. I loved the lights, the chill in the air and the fact that my mom and I always had company. I think that is the part of Christmas that I have tried to hold on to as an adult, the happiness of being with friends and family. Even if I haven't spoken to someone as often as I should have, at Christmas getting together becomes a priority. I love that.

What I don't love is the commercialism and materialism that surrounds the holidays. I'm sorry to all of my readers who love getting presents or delight in selecting the perfect item to bestow on a loved one. Gift giving to me is stressful at best and gift receiving makes me highly uncomfortable. Like I'm sitting in the room in my panties and have to pretend its totally normal behavior.

This Christmas in particular I've noticed that I have had numerous opportunities for reconciliation with my past. And for some reason my instinct has changed from "run screaming from that jerk who broke my heart or the ghost of fathers past" to "maybe its time to forgive and move on with my life." We'll see if anything comes of any of this but I've decided as a New Year's resolution of sorts to just relax and be open to communications I might otherwise not have been.

It's the craz-, craziest time of the year!

2008-12-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

You know I used to be one of those annoying people that had all their holiday shopping done by mid-October AT THE LATEST. The key phrase in that sentence being "used to be". It seems that between the wedding and the honeymoon and the being unemployed and the career change I somehow... forgot to buy presents. In fact, before tonight I had only purchased one (1) gift for Christmas at all and that was something I intended to send to a friend on the east coast.

No, I have not in fact actually MAILED said gift to the east coast. Ahem.

But lord all mighty was it insane out there tonight! I'm not stupid (or desperate) enough to even remotely attempt anything resembling a mall but I did swing by a local book store to take a look at some things on my way home from work this morning and it was not pretty. The traffic, the lines, the rain, the harassed looking staff... Why do we put ourselves through this every year again? I've forgotten.

Though I do now have more than one (1) gift purchased. In fact, if I play my cards right I may not even need to go to another store again until well after the new year! Fingers crossed!

Brrrr....

2008-12-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

Dear State of California,

I know you and I have had a love/hate relationship over the years. Really its been more of a tolerate/hate at best but that's neither here nor there. The fact is that I've remained faithful to you for almost 17 years, I've paid the exorbitant rent prices, I even bought an overpriced home! I've endured the higher average price per gallon at the pump (though I do thank you for lowering prices down from $5 a gallon - I can actually afford to drive to the gas station now!). I've even learned to cope with the millions of people constantly in my space and the houses popping up one on top of the other every where.

You, on the other hand, have not kept up YOUR end of this bargain. I endure the people, the expensive cost of living, the traffic and the high gas prices and YOU provide tolerable weather year-round. Considering that it took me 5 minutes (and most of a cup of much needed coffee) to get myself into my frozen over car yesterday morning, and then an additional 15-20 minutes to de-ice the windshield enough to drive (at least the side windows roll down), I would say this definitely does not fall under the definition of tolerable weather by any stretch.

The final straw was when I noticed snow (SNOW!) on the hills directly to the north of my home yeasterday and when they had to actually close all but one lane over the pass due to snow and ice on the roadway. You know, California, as well as I do that the people who call you home are TERRIBLE drivers and do not understand the concept of wetness coming from the sky. When this "wetness" appears to freeze... It's like a holy armageddon!

I would appreciate your immediate attention to this matter. I'd hate to have to sell my home and move away, especially since this over-priced real estate? Totally not worth the money, but anyway! Moving on! At least bring me back my mild winter weather. Please?

Sincerely,

T.

Living the Good Life

2008-12-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

Having spoken to many bloggers "off the record", I've noticed a common theme among us regarding posting. Our best writing is done when fueled by angst or anger or worry or sadness; we find it harder to put together coherent posts when we are happy. How many posts on weekend updates or how much one loves one's job/house/husband/wife/life can you write after all? Day 1 - very happy... Day 12 - still very happy. It gets a little stunted.

That is sort of where I am. I am happier than I have been in years. I no longer wake up in the morning with an ever-present sense of dread, I am no longer uneasy for no reason, I no longer well up with tears unexpectedly or cry to myself in the car for no discernible reason other than I feel sadness. Now I wake up happy, I feel optimistic, I laugh, I mean really laugh, and I do so frequently. Unfortunately I feel like the details of this happiness aren't exactly blog worthy.

And though there are a couple things going on in my life right now that I DO lose sleep over, alas I can not blog about them here either as the audience is inappropriate. So I am at a loss. Do I post superfluous posts about how much I love my new job, how happy I am to finally be doing something I actually ENJOY as opposed to doing something I am simply good at? How many times I can post about loving matrimony? How many times I can I fail miserably at explaining why I love being married and why a stupid piece of paper made me feel safe, secure, hopeful about the future?

Or do I just throw all caution to the wind and post about what is REALLY on my mind, backlash be damned?

Why hello December...

2008-12-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

First things first I have to send a big internet hug to BFL whose birthday is today!!! Happy Birthday darlin', can't wait to celebrate with you on Sunday!

*****

So... Did November just up and disappear all abrupt like on anyone else?? I swear between being gone for 11 days and Thanksgiving I misplaced half a month y'all! Here it is 3 days into December and I'm just now feeling like life is returning to normal. We're home safe, back to work, the laundry is almost done and the bags 98% unpacked. AND I'm blogging! A girl has to have priorities I guess. :D

The honeymoon was fantastic, better than either of us imagined or dared hope for. We stayed at this awesome all inclusive resort outside of Punta Cana, Dominican Republic and yes, it really is as beautiful as it looks in the pictures on their website. You know how sometimes at the end of a vacation you are sad to be leaving but also kind of ready to go home? Yeah well this trip was NOTHING like that. Neither TheBoy or I wanted to leave and it was SO hard getting up that last morning to pack.

The only downside of the whole trip was that flying there from the West Coast is terrible! On the way out there we had three flights with a 2 hour lay-over in LA and a 3 hour lay-over in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The fact that TheBoy is 6'7" and doesn't fit into any normal sized airplane seats comfortably didn't help as he spent each flight (including the 6 hour one between LA and Puerto Rico) with either his knees jammed into the seat back of the person in front of him or stretched out into the aisle where the stewardesses I swear were aiming for his knees with those drink carts. Also, since I was still sick (am still sick, whatever) 3 take offs and landings did a number on my sinuses!

Of course once we got there and breathed in the warm tropical air and felt the sunshine on our backs all complaining ceased. I reserved a private taxi through the resort because the #1 thing people kept telling me about the DR was that pretty much anyone can drive out to the airport, call themselves a taxi and pick you up to take to your hotel. Which is fine if they do in fact take you to your hotel directly as opposed to taking a little side trip out to the middle of nowhere and robbing you first. And after seeing the hour long drive out to the beach from the airport I can see would be pretty easy to do! We went through cow country on these crazy rough roads with HUGE potholes and even bigger speed bumps, there are no street signs to speak of and ideas such as "right side of the road" and "two cars abreast" don't seem to matter there. It was definitely an experience!

The people at the resort welcomed us with a cool towel, a glass of champagne and a chorus of "welcome home", it was fantastic. Pretty much after that we never left the resort. Unfortunately because I was still sick, my energy level was not what I hoped it would be but TheBoy was content to let me sleep in and spend most days laying out by the pool reading (or napping) or swimming around lazily. This was our first time at an all inclusive so we weren't sure what to expect but the food was great in all the restaurants though we didn't care too much for the Asian fusion restaurant (I think because we have such awesome Japanese and Thai food here at home) and we definitely LOVED the french restaurant best. And all the booze included too? It was awesome! From the bars in and around the pool to the daily re-stocked mini-bar in our room (including bottle service!) we never were far from our next CocoLoco, Crazy Monkey, Mai Tai or glass of champagne. It was heaven.

Believe it or not we actually managed to take about 70 pictures! I know that may not seem like a lot to some of you who come home with hundreds and hundreds of photos from your vacations but trust me, TheBoy and I usually get home from some fabulous trip only to discover we took 12 photos and 10 of them were on the last day when we discovered we didn't have any pictures! So without further ado...

Room, the first.

View from room #1

Dinner, first night, totally jet lagged and with the ONLY tequila we drank the whole entire trip. Crazy no? They're into this thing called "rum" down there and you know, when in Rome...

Room, the second. Upgraded to swim up suite in the "excellence club" area. VIP. That's how we roll y'all. Woot!

View from the pool, looking at our "porch" of the room #2. Notice the hammock? TheBoy Had. To. Have. the hammock. He spent as much time as possible, when it wasn't raining, the the hammock.

Even though we never left the resort really, there were tons of things to do. We played pool in one of the most lopsided and damp tables ever in the sports bar and TheBoy even tried his hand at the archery they had set up.

Here is TheBoy enjoying the pool and waiting for the next round of pool volleyball to start up. He actually played quite a bit of pool volleyball and water polo though I think he might have had an unfair advantage since 4' deep water is like waist deep for him but... he certainly was a popular choice on people's teams!

In our rooms they provided these super plush robes and slippers to wear as part of the whole "spa" experience. They were of course too big for me but comically too small for The Boy. Check out the one-size-fits-most slippers y'all.

Here we are hanging out in the hammock after dinner one night...

Did I mention the birds? There are a ton of birds all over the resort. Flamingos, parrots, geese, ducks, peacocks... You name it and they are wandering around. Normally I think birds are dirty and gross but somehow in paradise I didn't mind so much. Which was good since they like to come up and visit you in your room and hop onto your hand while you are taking pictures of them.

Also, TheBoy got all artistic on me with the camera one night in the bar after maybe one too many Mama Juana shots. (I know that article says it tastes like port but it most certainly doesn't taste like any port I've ever had... It tastes like maple syrup. Seriously.)

Of course it did rain about half the time we were there. Funny I didn't mind it... Probably because it was still 85 degrees and someone was always still at the pool bar which was right outside our room.

Mere hours after that rain photo was taken, TheBoy was outside in the pool building a raft out of all the floating mats that blew to our end of the pool during the storm.

And last, but not least, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have my own night of too many Mama Juana shots and convinced this nice girl who was also there on her honeymoon to go swimming with me at midnight even thought the pools are technically closed. Y'all know you love me.

Under the wire

2008-11-14T08:33:00.001-08:00

I totally was NOT going to blog today. Because when pairing down the list of a million and two things I had to do today before I left, blogging didn't really make the top 10 list of essentials. Ahem. But since I was sneaking on the computer anyway to check the weather in the Dominican (rain and thunderstorms all 11 days we're there - WTF?) I thought I would check my email real fast, and then check the blogger reader to see who had posted and... slippery slope y'all.

Anywho, on Wednesday when I was deluding myself that I was not still sick as a dog I ran some errands after work to sort of primp and pamper myself before the honeymoon. Bikini wax and pedicure are fairly standard for me if I'm going out of town. Because sandals are much cuter if I don't have scary winter/half polished toes and well the bikini wax... Well that's probably enough about that.

What I did want to tell you guys about is my new amazing spray-on airbrush tan!! Why did I not discover this before? I'll admit to a few trips to the tanning booth back when I didn't have proper respect for things like skin cells and cancer but for the last several years I have been the queen of SPF. I wear sunscreen every day, in the winter, all the time. The result of this is that a) I am skin cancer free and haven't had one of those oh-so-attractive sunburns where instead of simply peeling the skin seems to slough off in sheets like I'm molting and b) I am day-glo white.

Well not anymore baby! 30 minutes of being airbrush painted and roughly 12 hours of processing time I am now a wonderful shade of... slightly less white. What? You didn't think I'd actually tan myself into some sort of Bahama Mama did you? Come on people, no one would recognize me! I am still blonde and freckled after all. But I do feel better that now I am not so blindingly white. Though all through the process the nice woman spraying me was talking about how a lot of women get these spray tans before their honeymoons because they make your skin look firmer and you look like you magically (!) lost 1o pounds.

Well I will say the cellulite on my ass is slightly less noticeable now that I am spray tanned but as for looking 10 pounds lighter? Alas I think that is one more miracle (!) weight loss ploy that just doesn't work. But. I think the desired effect was still accomplished because instead of wearing long pants and mu mu's this entire trip I might actually strip down to my bikini, if only to show off my fancy airbrush tan. A girl has to get her money's worth after all!

T-minus 24 hours and counting...

2008-11-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

This time tomorrow I will be on my way home from work to meet TheBoy and my mom who is graciously driving us to the airport. I will be packed, ready and understandably both nervous (this trip is THREE long flights out there and THREE long flights home) and excited. Whee fun! This time tomorrow I will be looking forward to tropical weather, the possibility of thunderstorms, days of lounging and relaxing by the pool, awesome food and drinks and lots and lots of good quality time with my husband. Eleven whole days of relaxing and doing everything and nothing and having no timeline and... paradise.

Today, however, I am stressed out because I have two huge catering jobs at work to prep for tomorrow before I can go home. I am stressed out because I am STILL sick and in fact I swear I am getting sicker by the minute. I am stressed out because the house is not as clean as I would like it to be before I leave on vacation*, but mainly I am stressed because I know that it will not be cleaned because a) I am sick and don't feel like cleaning and b) TheBoy's niece who lives with us will be here and, well, as much as I love her she's just not the scary AR/OCD clean freak that I am. I'm stressed because we fly home on the day before Thanksgiving. THE. DAY. BEFORE. THANKSGIVING!!! What the hell was I thinking??

Of course I am not really helping the stress level by sitting here drinking tea, nursing this God-awful head cold and bitching to the internets at large. But looking at pictures of the resort we are staying at and reading reviews of fun things to do in the Dominican IS making me less stressed and more happy and excited so... I think its a wash. Don't miss me too much while I'm gone and I'll talk to you all when I get back!

*Yes I am one of THOSE people that cleans the house before going on a trip so I have a nice clean home to come back to - are you surprised?

It figures

2008-11-11T15:12:00.000-08:00

So with something like 72 hours to go until TheBoy and I leave for our long overdue and much anticipated honeymoon it just figures that I would wake up this morning at like 1:30 am with a fever and a burning sore throat. I have felt like crap all day and even put off my immense to-do list for today in favor of crawling back into bed and sleeping away most of the day. My body is extremely good at letting me know when I've been pushing it a little too hard and with the new job (in and of itself physically exhausting), the new work out routine and the general craziness surrounding this upcoming vacation I'm not exactly surprised I'm feeling ill. I'm more annoyed at the universe's sense of humor.

Hello Universe? Going on vacation of a lifetime in 3 days. Please knock off this flu/cold bug joke that you're running ASAP. Thanks, me.

Anyway, here is hoping that I wake up tomorrow and all of this is just a vague memory and I feel back to my normal chipper self. After all there are pedicures to get, bikini waxes to have and something must be done about the pasty white status of my skin before I have to blind all the fellow resort stayers in my bathing suit. But before any of that I am now off to work, for the second time today, with zinc tablets and EmergenC packets and loads and loads of Tylenol Flu.

Cross your fingers for me, k?

From the archives...

2008-11-10T08:28:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure if anyone else does this but I have probably 50 "posts-in-progress" from over the years that I never quite got around to finishing. In the interest of giving you something to read while I run around frantically like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get ready for the honeymoon I thought I would post a couple.

This one is from May of 2007. Before TheBoy and I had what turned into the last of the knock down drag out fights over the future of our relationship, before we bought our home, before we got engaged and then married this last summer. It's been a year of changes since I wrote these words and I apologize that its incomplete... While I distinctly remember the feelings behind this post it feels fake to go back now and finish it.

**********

I don’t know how old I was when I first read these words. I know that I didn’t even know they were song lyrics until I tried to Google the author recently. I thought it was a poem… But the sentiment haunted me. It still haunts me but now it rings true. Perhaps it was a premonition?

I have a hard time expressing my emotions sometimes. I’m not that girl you know? The one who cries to her friends all the time and wants to talk about her feelings. I’m a strict ignore it til it goes away or explodes kind of girl. This is maybe not a good thing but it works for me. Tears make me uncomfortable. Especially mine.

So I dreamed we were somewhere
And everything you said was real
And everything I said was right
That we don’t have to fear the night

I always say the wrong thing these days. I feel like I have to censor everything I say. I just want to go back to feeling carefree and easy. Back when things were easy.

Then I’m in light and I still find
That when we look around we still feel
Like were running out of time
And there is nothing left for us to try

My friend Tammie said to me the other day, after maybe too many cocktails but I know she loves me so I let it slide, that she was afraid I’d wake up one day… 6 more years down the road and regret all the time I’ve spent waiting for something that may never happen. Only then I’d be 34 and maybe a little bitter and I’d have to start over, alone, after 12 years with someone who ended up not being the one after all.

We stay together now
When all the signals say we
Should move on from here

But I don’t think its coincidence
And I don’t believe in accidents
Its time to ask ourselves
Why are we still here

Is love enough?

Come back down and we still find
That all our waking fears are around us and
Shining in our eyes
They are blinding out the skies

Why is it that I can go days, weeks and months without a single reminder of the life I’m giving up and then sometimes… I just can’t escape it.

Something still you don’t give me
Something that just won’t break
You sit there silent in your place
And try to see your face

I need something from him – something unbreakable. A commitment that goes beyond his word, a promise made in front of our friends and families, a last name. He’s my best friend. I know the fear – I’m afraid too. But if he would take my hand I would jump. We could take that leap together.

Why do we still try
When all our time is spent in
Holding on to hope

Bitter Sweet

2008-11-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure exactly what I want to say here. And I only have about 5 minutes before work to say it... I'm thrilled to see Obama elected and I'm elated that a handful of measures I was supporting went the way I wanted them (No on 4 - for example). But. Y'all. On what should be a happy celebratory morning all I can do is constantly refresh SFgate.com and watch the tallies of Prop 8. 52% percent in favor with 95% of precincts reporting.

I can't believe that 52% of the people I live around, work with (no scratch that all the women at my company are fabulous), people who shop at the same stores as me, ride the same public transit and walk their dogs on the same streets I go on my morning run down... I can't believe that more than half of these people are so bigoted and close-minded as to have let us approve legislation on one of the most personal moments of a couple's life. Last time I checked no one voted for or against MY marriage just because I happen to have met and fallen in love with a man.

I know that I might be alienating some readers by what I just wrote but the truth is I'm not sure I even WANT those types of people as readers. So I can't bring myself to care. I'm off to get ready for work and am praying for a miracle in that last 5% of precincts. I feel like I might vomit.

NaBlaPoMo

2008-11-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

So about 6 months ago I decided I would finally, this year, participate in NaBlaPoMo. I felt I needed the incentive, the motivation, to get back into regular postings. And then I scheduled my honeymoon for the last two weeks in November and blew all those plans to hell. But, I thought I could post at least every day for the first 14 days... I was wrong.

So while I have many thoughts for posts running around my head, posts about marriage and death, about inequality and hope, I will once again NOT be posting every day for a month. But I have resolved to post more frequently. As for what "more frequently" will mean... Its anyone's guess. But thanks to all of you who still come by and visit. I do appreciate it!

No on Prop 8.

2008-10-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

I remember way back a few years ago I naively wrote here that I wouldn't use my blog as a forum to push my political views. And aside from the occasional post imploring people please educate themselves and vote, regardless of the WAY you vote, and that tiny little site banner up there on the right, I think I haven't been overly political here.

But Prop 8 isn't about politics to me. It's about prejudice, about inequality, about meanness and people's insecurities and fear in something they don't understand. It's about religion. And no matter your religion, or your feelings about homosexuality, the federal government ensures separation of church and state. I wish I was more eloquently spoken on this... I just seem to be overtaken by a form of black rage that makes me want to punch people when I hear the arguments for yes on 8.

But since I can not form my thoughts eloquently I will point you in a direction of someone who can. Someone I haven't met personally (though I would love the chance to remedy that) but whose writing has always inspired me ~~even though her original blog is now defunct~~ and her blog has resumed here! Please take a moment to read her words.

I promise to get back to non-political blogging in a couple weeks. It's just that I can't help but feel like we have more at stake here in this election than we have in ages. And frankly I am afraid.

All in the name of science

2008-10-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was at a pool party at a friend's house and I couldn't help but notice that one of the other guests had quite possibly the most perfect skin ever. I figured she had to be at least my age if not a few years older just given the crowd but she looked amazing. And not just her face either, her stomach and arms were flawlessly smooth also. After a glass of wine (or three) I finally accosted this poor woman in the kitchen and confessed my desire to touch her. Rather than baking away from the crazy stalker lady she smiled and said, "olive oil dear. I use olive oil instead of lotion."

Seriously y'all... She. Looked. Amazing. And her age? 47. (A total faux pas to ask I know but I had already all but petted her so I figured there was no harm in asking.) Now even if I am realistic and think that 50% of her fantastic skin is genetic I was still fairly convinced I should try it. Then I remembered reading something on another blog about it back in the winter and I was convinced. All that remained was waiting until the weather ceased to be in the triple digits, because while I am desperate for soft skin, I don't much fancy cooking myself in olive oil.

Oh. My. God. You guys simply have got to try this! I've done it a couple of times over the last two weeks and my skin feels SO great. Also, it is totally decadent and pampering to rub yourself with oil. Kind of like a poor girl's massage. And other than an intense craving for a thick slice of crusty bread, I haven't noticed any side effects on my otherwise S-E-N-S-T-I-V-E skin.

A couple words of wisdom though:

~ Use sparingly. Seriously. The first time I tried it I just grabbed my entire bottle of olive oil from the kitchen and started slathering up. Thirty minutes later I was still as greasy as a sea bird after the Exxon Valdez incident. A little goes a long way.

~ Which brings me to, it's probably best to try this at night. Unless you are unemployed (as I am) and/or have very accommodating roommates who don't mind if you wander around the house naked while it soaks in. I certainly wouldn't recommend getting dressed right away in anything light colored or dry-clean only. I've taken to letting it soak for about 5 - 10 minutes and then, because patience is a virtue I do not possess, I just throw on an old pair of cotton pants and a t-shirt.

~ Watch out for your pets. If you have an inquisitive furry friend you might want to make sure they aren't in the room while applying the oil. That first day my kitty managed to lick himself into an olive oil induced coma. Which, while the vet assured me wasn't going to harm him, probably isn't good for him either. I'm just saying is all.

Also, oddly enough in the way that once you have an idea about something you see it everywhere... I was watching a sort of biography online about Sophia Loren and she claims to have used olive oil on her skin all her life. There are worse things than looking like Sophia Loren right? And at my salon the manicurist uses olive oil instead of more traditional cuticle oil in her manicures. I've even read you can use it as a deep conditioner/sealer for your hair! I might try that next.

Stay tuned for more stories of D-I-Y waxing and hair coloring!

Pros and Cons

2008-10-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

On one hand I could take a job that I think I could truly love, in an industry I have been dying to get into. I could meet new people, try new recipes, and get my creative marketing mojo working. I could have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

On the other hand I could stay home and collect unemployment while I look for something more suitable to my experience. Unemployment which remarkably would pay me MORE than this new job. For doing nothing. Where I could sit at home and job hunt and think of things to blog about here and read novels and try not to go slowly insane.

On one hand I could be making a little bit of money but have the potential to be happy. On the other I could "make" a little bit more money and continue to be miserable. All on the off chance that I would find something that wouldn't make me want to chew on paint chips but would pay a little better.

Is this really a choice? I'm struggling with it because the money is considerably less than I thought it would be, even when I was being honest with myself about how I'd be starting from the bottom again. But now that I've seen it in writing...

I know I've said before that money isn't everything. Lord knows I've made a lot of money and been miserable, and made a little money and been happy. But this whole grown up thing with a mortgage and responsibilities is... HARD!

Excuse me though, I have a call to make.

Keep on keepin' on

2008-10-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

Well in an effort to wrestle myself out of the massive slump I've been in I've been trying to stick to somewhat of a schedule. Lest I manage to depress myself so much that I stay in bed all day and never shower. You know. So this week I've been trying to get up when TheBoy goes to work in the morning and go for a run or do the 30 Day Shred or, once when I was feeling particularly motivated, both. Now that 30 Day Shred thing? I'll admit I was totally skeptical at first... I mean what kind of die hard work out nazi could I be with only a 20 minute workout? Ha! The. Hardest. 20. Minutes. EVER! I'm just saying is all.

Also, does anyone know what happens when you take your sadly out of shape and over-weight self running for 3 days after hardly moving an inch in weeks? Shin splints that's what. Stupid shins. Of course I should have known better, what with the great shin splint agony of 2005 while training for that last marathon but no... I just laced up my shoes Monday morning and took off out the front door like I had good sense with not a stretch or warm up in sight. I've since started stretching and doing a short walking warm up but alas, the damage is done. This makes an interesting twist on my running form as I am now not so much jogging along at a snail's pace but more jogging along like a snail with a limp. Can snails limp?*

Anywho!

Last night I made the most awesome dinner. I don't think it TOTALLY fits into my whole just-say-no-to-bikinis-on-your-honeymoon plan but I don't think it sent me back to square one either. And it made me happy and filled the house with awesome aromas so... I suggest you try it! It's called Asado (not to be confused with Carne Asada) and I found the recipe here, at my newest favorite food blog. Thank you "blogs of note" for the tip! I followed the recipe almost exactly except for that I really only used 16 dried peppers which I think is what the recipe called for and either my peppers were mini-sized or 16 was an approximate amount because I only ended up with about half the puree I needed. So since I didn't have time to soak another 16 peppers I added about half a can of those chipotle chiles in adobo sauce (I had it open in the fridge from something else) and a can of tomatoes. It worked well actually. Though the end product was S-P-I-C-Y! Probably from the chipotles, which wasn't a HUGE issue here at Chez Ghetto (wine country edition) but might be for anyone who hasn't permanently damaged their taste buds.

That's about it. Just wanted to check in and say thanks to all my fantastic friends for checking in with me. Things aren't great but I'll make it through. I promise. MWAH!

*I realize I should come up with a better analogy than that but all that jog/limping in exhausting!

Digging Out My Soapbox

2008-10-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well its official, politics are all anyone can talk about these days. It even inspired my friend Shawn to post THREE TIMES in the last few days which I'm pretty sure ties the number of posts he's written year to date.* And as much as I don't talk politics with family or friends I am happy when I hear random women debating finer points of policy while waiting in line at Starbucks.

So in along those lines, I thought I'd share something with you that normally I wouldn't. Because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all morning. I don't know if any of you out there are as huge Post Secret fans as I am... What can I say I am just totally addicted to that site! It is the highlight of my Monday morning to check in and see the new week's posts. But today I saw something that scared the shit out of me.

Really? It frightens the hell out of me that there are people out there that take voting so lightly. Because for the record if this secret was in reverse and the voter was basing their decision on a liberal boyfriend's actions I'd be just as outraged. What the HELL people?

Vote because you care about the war. Vote because you care about human rights. Vote because you care what is happening in the financial markets. Vote because you CARE. Vote because you CAN. Please don't take this right for granted. Apathy will get you nowhere. It's your country, educate yourself and make a stand.

*Just some good natured teasing - keep it up my friend. :D

Don't vote

2008-10-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

There is still time in California to register if you haven't already... Oct. 20th is the deadline!

PS - Special thanks Shawn for the help with the scary complicated computer part to getting this video up here! :D

Tis the season...

2008-10-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

For weddings!

In addition to our own wedding and the wedding for one of TheBoy's co-workers a few weeks ago, we still have two to go! We leave tomorrow for TheBoy's step-brother Chris' wedding in Temecula this Saturday. I can't wait to party with the bride and groom and to officially welcome Christy into this crazy family we've both fallen in love with. Also, here is hoping for warm enough temps to spend some time out by the pool!

I love those guys!

Also, preparations are in the final stages for my best friend from High School's wedding on Halloween. I am really excited for this wedding if for no other reason than Lisa is the total anti-bride just like I was! Its amazing to me when I look back how many rites of passage this girl and I went through together. First dates, first kisses, first traffic tickets while in our newly-licensed state, injuries we've helped each other recuperate from and broken hearts we've helped heal. I'm excited to be a part of Lisa's wedding to Harley, it feels like those two crazy awkward girls have finally made it!

Also, this wedding gives me an excuse to go out to the coast... Something TheBoy and I have missed doing A LOT since moving inland last year.

Of course I can't do a post about weddings with out sending out a special congratulations to my friends Christine and Michael who just got engaged less than 48 hours ago! SO EXCITING!

Words can not express how much I love these two! TheBoy and I are both so excited to celebrate with them!

Feeling better

2008-10-06T15:42:00.000-07:00

Okay so after my mini melt-down in which I did not get out of bed, except to move to the couch, and didn't really even bathe for almost a week, I've finally snapped out of it. I think it had something to do with the arrival of TheBoy's niece who moved in last week because really, I can't be the scary aunt who doesn't bathe and wears the same pajamas day after day with her here right? Word is bound to get out.

Also, today I went on two interviews. It was supposed to be three but I had to decline one based on moral principle. The guy in charge of hiring and I have been corresponding via email and this morning he sent me the following message:

"is in concord. can u make it 2day."

Now. Let's say I overlook the lack of proper capitalization of either the start of sentences OR of the city name. Let's say I overlook the improper punctuation at that last question. I can not, or WILL NOT, overlook the whole u = you or 2day = today thing! This is business correspondence with a possible applicant for a position in a corporate environment fercrisakes! Lordy.

That's really all I have to report. I am out of bed, properly showered, dressed AND have begun the painful process of interviewing again. I even laughed this weekend. Baby steps right?

What it is like

2008-10-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

Its like waking up in the morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated for that split second before true consciousness kicks in and then rolling over and falling back to sleep. Its like feeling like you could sleep forever, like wanting to sleep forever, like sleep is the only place you can feel comfortable. Its when sleep becomes your escape.

Its like looking forward to an event for days, and then the day of carefully planning and getting ready for this event only to feel absolutely paralyzed with fear when it comes time to leave the house. Its forcing yourself to drive someplace and giving yourself a pep talk in the rear view mirror the whole way there only to pull into the parking lot, sit for 10 minutes and then turn the car back on and drive home. Crying.

Its like being at a party and not knowing anyone. You kind of hide out in a corner, back against the wall hoping no one notices you but secretly hoping they do. Its going to the bar for that third glass of wine just to give yourself something to do, even though you promised yourself you'd only have one. Its feeling like you've been at this party for ages with your fake smile and your carefully prepared responses to all the social questions and then finally making a desperate dash for the door because you can't stand another minute and are starting to feel like you can't breathe. Its looking at the clock on the dashboard of your car, rolling the windows down, desperately gulping fresh air, and realizing you barely made it an hour.

Its knowing you've alienated all your friends and not being able to bring yourself to properly do anything to make amends. Its clipped responses and no return phone calls or emails or "maybe next week" responses to your requests for lunches or coffees. Its being angry because they don't know what you are going through and then also understanding their position because THEY DON'T KNOW what you are going through.

Its like... not being able to tell anyone what its like.

"not a good fit"

2008-09-30T17:06:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of things that I think of when I hear the term "not a good fit". Shopping for blue jeans, that guy who asked me out on a date over IM and general house remodeling projects spring rapidly to mind. But to hear it from a boss at a job I don't even like? It's a little humiliating.

Le sigh.

Let the unemployment and frantic job hunting begin!

Things, things and more things

2008-09-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

Something is wrong with my dryer. It's been trying to dry clothes for over an hour and not only are they NOT dry, they are also not even remotely warm. I'm hoping this has something to do with the water heater replacement we just did (which seems logical because the water heater is gas and the dryer is gas) but knowing my luck this probably means that we need to buy a new dryer to replace this one. Which, did I mention, doesn't even belong to us? Yeah.

Last weekend among the rush and frantic cleaning out of the guest bedroom I managed to get in some sanding and plastering on the fancy new sliding glass door my mother in law bought us. Please ignore the fact that my MIL bought us said door over a month ago and that its been partially installed and looking wonky for far, far too long. Last night when I got home I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my lovely husband had done the spray texture thing so I could start painting. Don't ask why spray texture scares me. Hanging sheet rock - fine. Taping, plastering and sanding said sheet rock - also fine. Painting and trim work - fine. Spraying texture at my walls out of a giant hairspray canister - SCARY! There is no rhyme or reason to my madness.

Yesterday I cried at work. I'll give that a second to sink in for those of you who are just speed reading this post (shame!)... I. CRIED. AT. WORK. And sure I tried to blow it off like "what? these aren't tears!" But you know and I know that they knew they were tears. It was almost comical how every man in that office suddenly had to be somewhere RIGHT NOW and very far away from the crazy crying lady. Y'all. This is the peak of mortification. So I did what any grown woman of almost 30 would do... I hid in the bathroom until the red rimmed eye and blotchy cheek look faded* and then I calmly walked back to my desk, grabbed my cell phone, and escaped downstairs where I called my mommy. Ah yes... I love being an adult.

Why did I cry? Yeah well see its like this. At this new job we try to help people. With their finances. And in case you haven't heard the news lately, or haven't read a newspaper or maybe just generally have been tuning out of life, there are a lot of people out there with serious financial issues and the are having a hell of a time getting on their feet. And me? Well I'm one of those people that if you are sad, I am sad. And also I want to fix it. Because I don't like being sad and I certainly don't like it when other people are sad.

So I spend roughly half my day hearing people's sob stories about how their husband died, or they came back from being deployed to Iraq to find their wife was cheating on them and went through a terrible divorce, or how they lost their job or got ill and so on and so on and I FEEL for these people and I want to HELP them and FIX it. But I can't. Like 99% of the time I can't do a damn thing. The other half of my day I spend either talking to people's voice mails or getting yelled at. And I'm guessing that given the explanation above about how I tend to internalize other people's pain you can guess how good I am at getting yelled at. So yesterday afternoon after one particularly vehement yelling episode I lost it.

Fun!

But. On the flip side an old friend from high school has asked me to help her with her wedding so I'm looking forward to that. AND when I went over to my mom's house after work last night I got a brand new pair of super cute shoes! I'm pretty sure they were meant to be a Christmas present but when I called my mommy from the parking lot of my office after bursting into tears at work I imagine she thought to herself... "I know what will make my little girl happy - shoes!" And you know what? It kind of helped. I do love shoes after all. It might have been the mom hugs that did it too. There is something about the combination of cute new shoes and a mother's love that makes things right with the world.

After last weekend I was sort of hoping to have a quiet weekend at home this weekend but once again the universe has thwarted my plans. So tonight I will be attending the wedding of one of TheBoy's coworkers. This is a fun couple who live just down the road from us here and we've hung out with them a few times and always have a blast. The guy has this fancy off road truck so the boys sit and talk about trucks and engines and... whatever men talk about and me and his coworker just roll our eyes and laugh at them. And tomorrow morning, earlier that I think we should have to get up on a Saturday but I digress, we are leaving for Chico to attend the birthday party of TheBoy's best friend. Which should be fun but also means we'll be having two very late nights and most likely won't get anything done on our to-do lists.

Which reminds me... I should get back to painting and cleaning! Here's hoping you guys have a great weekend also!

*Why, oh why, can't I been one of those girls that looks all cute and pouty and sexily distraught when she cries? Alas no, I am cursed with the blotchy red cheeks and blood shot eyes and random runny nose look. HOT!

Even my eyelashes hurt

2008-09-22T14:04:00.001-07:00

I love it when I make plans for my weekend and then the universe steps in, laughs hysterically and then proceeds to change my entire time line and to do list. On Friday evening my plans for the weekend included a quiet Friday evening, a Saturday spent running errands and cleaning the house and a Sunday having some much needed girl time with pedicures and lunch with friends.

Instead what ended up happening was one emotionally draining fight Friday night, an early morning call Saturday that TheBoy's niece needed to move some of her things in like "right now" and the subsequent frantic cleaning out of the room she will occupy when she moves in with us in a few weeks, another emotionally draining emergency early Sunday morning and relatively little to no "relaxing".

I suppose that requires a little more explanation doesn't it? TheBoy's niece (whom I adore) needs a place to live and since we are the closest family members with a spare room who also need some extra cash we're renting her a room for a few months. And by spare room I mean that third bedroom we've been storing all our crap in that we either haven't un-packed or didn't know what to do with for the past year. Also? ALL my clothes were in that closet.

And because I am a procrastinator and also because I had no freaking clue what I was going to do with my clothes, I have been putting off the cleaning of that room in preparation of her moving in. Until we got the call that she'd be over with a truck load of stuff in a few hours. We made piles for goodwill, we made piles for the dump, we made piles of things that we have to find places for, clothes were shuffled into linen closets and clothes were loaded into my car to be taken to my mom's for storage (thank GOD she lives so close!). I cleaned, I mopped, I dusted, I organized... It was a long. long, long day. Then on Sunday I woke up to my house in shambles and still more organizing and cleaning and work ahead of me.

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I accomplished a lot this weekend... I'm just exhausted and feel like I need another weekend to recover from my weekend! Also? I must be SUPER out of shape because I am sore in places I didn't even realize there were muscles! I think a nice quiet evening of sitting around on the couch and drinking a glass of wine the size of my head is in order. And the universe is sorely mistaken if it thinks it's going to screw with me this time... I WILL relax tonight dammit!

MUCH better

2008-09-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if its the fact that I am STILL loving my 20 minute max commute through city streets that never once force me on to a freeway or over a bridge but I just had an AWESOME week. AND I got to check off some projects from the list of things to do around the house!

It might have something to do with this (second) new job... Let's just say I have yet to have one of those "what the hell have I gotten myself into" moments and its been two whole days. I think I had one within the first 30 minutes at that other new job. I'm just saying. The whole happiness with the job might also have something to do with the super friendly, sarcastic humor having, sports watching, shit talking, hysterically funny group of guys I am working with. Or it might be the fact that I wore jeans to work today for like my first casual Friday ever. Jeans! To work!

I'm not saying I love this job... In fact I'm still pretty sure that the mortgage industry and I are destined to part ways. But at least for now, while I figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, I'm not miserable.

That's a start right?

Vegas Photos!

2008-09-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Look at me actually posting photos! Baby steps y'all...

So here are my amazingly hot sister-in-law Dawn, her amazingly hot daughter Nikki and me. The three of us shared a room and constituted "Team Chris" since we were all there representing the groom's side of the family...

The first night we finally got to Vegas and checked into our room about 11:00 pm. By the time we changed and refreshed ourselves it was almost midnight. And the three of us had not eaten! In fact the last thing I had eaten was half a breakfast sandwich with my latte from Starbucks at like 10 am that morning. So we decided we needed to eat (sadly the only thing open was the 24 hour cafe - you'd think that the city that never sleeps would have more late-night dining options but no). First we stopped by the "Team Christy" room to say hi and see what their plans were for the evening.

Here are all the girls that first night. Sometime between tequila shots one and two and definitely after Dawn and I had two glasses of red wine in the room while getting ready. Y'all. We had not even been to a bar or club yet! The bride is the one in blue. I married into a family of hotness y'all. Maybe it'll wear off on me! :D

After Dawn, Nikki and I ate we decided that since it was now well after mid-night that we would just hang out the three of us at the Studio 54 nightclub at MGM because we were far too lazy to go catch a taxi to the Wynn where the other girls were partying it up. We had a fantastic time. We danced, we flirted, we got free drinks... Life was good. At one point I wandered off to find the bathrooms and somehow in my drunken state made a friend. In the ladies room. She had driven out to Vegas from LA with a friend on a whim only to find when she got here that her friend's sometime boyfriend, sometime hook up buddy was there also. At which point she promptly got ditched. With friends like those...

At some point Dawn went to bed but Nikki and I stayed out dancing until they were closing the club. She met this SUPER cute British boy there and so I walked around with her and him and his friend. All I really remember about those boys is that Nik REALLY liked the one (and he was CUTE!) and the other one's name was Alister (how British!) and he was like 12 and kept talking about how he couldn't believe that the most beautiful girl he'd met all week was married. So he was a liar - but a cute one. And a fairly good sport for hanging out with the married chick so his "mate" could spend some time with Nikki. I think I finally made it to bed about 4:30 and Nikki staggered in sometime around 6:30.

The bride, also known as my soon to be new sister in law Christy, came in and woke up sometime around 10:30. AM. In Vegas. While I contemplated throwing sharp objects at her head until she left us alone for at least 2 more hours, Dawn and Nikki both hopped out of bed to get ready for the pool. Deciding I couldn't be outdone I grudgingly got up and slathered myself with sunscreen and headed with them off to the other room where we proceeded to drink mimosas for an hour and blared music so that I am sure the people next to us were cursing. Here is the bride looking shockingly bright eyed and bushy tailed!

And this was us trying to be all artistic and stuff taking pictures into the mirror outside Michael Mina's restaurant on our way to the pool party. Okay so its slightly off center and blurry. Its hard to take pictures into a mirror while a) not covering your face with the camera and therefore not looking at what you are shooting and b) after about 5 mimosas. I said I would post pictures, I didn't say they would be good.

The pool party was SO awesome. Not quite as awesome as that time TheBoy and I went to Rehab at the Hard Rock but pretty damn fun none the less. Also? I forget how much fun Vegas is when you are a gigantic group of girls. We walked straight into the pool, past the line of people waiting to go in, right past the line of people who were sort of in but still had to pay, and headed straight for the pool. It was forecasted to be 98 degrees (hah like the band!) in Vegas last Saturday and it felt it! We contemplated paying the ridiculous extra fee to have a place to sit (gotta love Vegas) but the other girls seemed confidant that we wouldn't need it and roughly 18 seconds later they had met a bachelor party who had not one but TWO private cabanas. Shade and seating problem fixed. Those guys were fun, they partied with us all day, gave us all sorts of free drinks, let us watch some college football and generally were just good times. You know since we basically took over their cabanas and all.

At some point in the afternoon it occurred to me that we had been drinking since 11:00 am and had had maybe 6 hours of sleep and had not eaten. So Dawn and I left to get some lunch (it seems strange to call it lunch since it was like at 4:00 pm but what can you do?) and then headed up to the room to shower and nap. LOL we were the oldest I guess! Once we were refreshed and beautified we headed over the the other room to check and see what the plan was for the night where we found the girls who hadn't even STARTED to get ready! They had partied down at the pool like rockstars and were now nursing espresso and trying to catch their second (third?) wind. The three of us decided to head down and have dinner and by the time we were finished the girls were beautiful and in full on party mode again.

Yes that is an inflatable male stripper doll, complete with anatomically correct erhm... well he was anatomically correct. Also there were about a million pages of guys cut out from playgirl magazine hanging up all over the room. It was awesome. The girls also made Christy a sign for the room and they were busy putting together about a million pages for a scrapbook. Some people are just too darn creative for their own good!

The last night we headed over to the Luxor to their club which is called LAX. It was the same exact thing as at the pool party. We walked straight past the line of people waiting to be selected to go in, past the line of people waiting to bribe the bouncers, past the line of people waiting to pay to get in and straight into the club. I love being a girl sometimes! Of course this time we didn't even have to wait a minute before we were invited into the VIP area. A cocktail waitress came right up to one of our girls as were were walking down the stairs into the club and told us she had a table of VIP guys looking for some girls to party with. Score! So we met yet another group of guys, these ones were all there because one of them had sold his company for a small fortune and had flown all his buddies out from the mid-west to party in Vegas for the weekend. There was even a guy there from Kerrville, Texas! Which I know is not exciting to anyone but me but... Kerrville! That's only like an hour from where I lived!

So we danced, and danced, and drank, and laughed and helped Christy with a list of dares she had to do that evening. We met the guys in the next VIP booth over who were a bachelor party from LA. It was such a good time. All the guys we met were so fun and friendly and they danced, and we danced, and I practically screamed myself hoarse "singing" along to Journey and Whitesnake songs, and I don't think I ever sat down or stopped dancing for longer than the two or three seconds it took me to sip from my drink. Cause y'all know I can't drink and dance at the same time. At one point we were dancing actually on top of the couches and this (super hot) bouncer came over and told us we'd have to take off our shoes if we stayed up there... Done! Dancing in cute high heels is painful enough but dancing in high heels with a huge blister on the bottom of your foot from burning it at the pool earlier is pretty much torture. One other girl's feet were literally bloody by the end of the night. Why do we women do this to ourselves?

It was another late night. Dawn and I left the girls at about 3:00 and ran into the first group of guys from that night (the one with the sold company) in the lobby. We hung out with them for awhile but declined the invitation to go back and check out their suite at the Palms. Because while I wouldn't have minded seeing this fancy suite at the Palms I didn't really want to be alone the two of us with 10 guys no matter how nice they were! So we caught a taxi back to the MGM and headed up to our room to change into jammies and watch comedy on TV and eat late night room service. It was so fun! I think we finally fell asleep sometime around 5 am. Me! 5 am! Two nights in a row! I have no idea how that happened... :D The rest of the girls staggered home sometime around 7:30 am. They are rockstars.

Sunday was just sleeping in until the last possible second before we had to check out and making our respective ways home. I'll admit I was a little nervous going into this trip because we didn't know any of the girls coming and sometimes girls can be... not so fun. But there was absolutely no drama, no pettiness and I had zero urge to slap anyone (except maybe once because they were too cute and skinny, or when Christy tried to wake me up that time...). We got along fantastically well and had the best party weekend ever. And now we'll all know each other when we get together to party next month at the wedding! Definitely just what I needed to take my mind off the super funk, crisis mode I've been in the last week.

Vegas!

2008-09-15T11:23:00.001-07:00

OMG you guys I just had the best weekend ever in Las Vegas with my soon to be new sister-in-law! I'll post pictures as soon as I can find that stupid cable thingy for my camera... Which I think TheBoy has in his computer bag but it was SO fun. Exactly what I needed. The highlights include:

~Not going to bed until 5 am either night. Me! 5 am!
~Dancing, dancing and more dancing.
~The gigantic blister I have on the bottom of my foot from burning it on the hot as hell concrete at the pool party at MGM.
~The bride's amazingly hot AND nice friends who were so fun!
~Hanging out in the VIP areas everywhere we went because of the above mentioned HOT friends.
~Have I mentioned the dancing?
~The weather was FANTASTIC! Warm and sunny just the way I like it.

And there was so, so much more. I'll try to remember highlights later for when I post pictures. :D

Oh! Also on the whole mid-life crisis front I at least think I have found a job that will help pay the bills while I try to figure out what the hell it is I want to be when I grow up (though I do like Kate's idea of wining the lotto and become ladies of leisure...). More on that later too. Don't want to jinx anything before it happens. You know.

Mid-Life Crisis?

2008-09-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

Is 29 too young to have a mid-life crisis? I mean ideally I would like to live beyond 60... Assuming I am still in good health. But this can't be a quarter life crisis because I REALLY don't want to live to be 120! Either way, crisis I am having. I think I have pretty much concluded that I don't really LIKE real estate or mortgages. And I can't believe that this is what I should spend the next 30 some odd years doing just because I happen to be fairly good at it. I mean, right? How can I condemn myself to a life sentence of working at something I don't enjoy?

The logical next question is... what DO I like to do? The answer is a resounding "I have no effing clue!" Because I am a HUGE dork, and also because I am seriously desperate here guys, I went online earlier today and googled "what do I want to be when I grow up" and up came a few pages, one of which was this online test thing where you answer a bunch of questions and it matches you to some careers.

#1 Personal Trainer.

#2 Event Planner.

#3 Teacher.

Now I'm not sure where #3 came from... I apparently missed the check box next to "hates kids" or something. #2 is not a shocker given I love cooking and planning parties and so on. I've even looked into that as a career path numerous times and even had my own catering business for awhile. Sadly getting a culinary degree is prohibitively expensive and it seems that to get an event planning job you either have to have loads of experience (which I am not sure how I am supposed to get if EVERYONE requires experience but that's neither here nor there) or you pretty much have to know someone in the industry who will hook you up with something on the bottom rung so you can work your way up. Anyone out there know anyone who works in event planning that is hiring?

Now #1 shocked me a little. I guess I can't see past these 20 pounds I've been adding over the past year. I mean would any of you hire a chubby trainer? Not to mention I haven't seen the inside of a gym in months and my running shoes get mostly used for aerobics tapes in the living room these days. But I was talking to BFL this afternoon and she didn't seem surprised at all. I do have a lot of information running around in my head from working with the nutritionist... And I DO enjoy being active. Plus it would fit right in with my whole, hates to sit at a desk for 8 hours, likes flexibility and to be outside as much as possible, likes to help people thing. AND in its defense it is relatively inexpensive to get certified to be a personal trainer.

I guess I should have paid more attention when I was joking with TheBoy that I am just waiting for him to make the big bucks so I can stay home and teach yoga for a living!

Am I totally crazy y'all? Cause I kind of feel like I am losing my freaking mind over here! I am actually seriously considering trying to find a waitress job or a retail job for a few months so I can at least make SOME $ while I try to figure this all out... But how do I tell me people I left a perfectly respectable industry (that I had been in for a decade) to wait tables and find a dream job?? Aren't I just a smidgen too old for this crap?

The upside to all this? Even with the no job, no money thing looming over my head I am happier now in the last couple weeks than I have been in well over a year. That has to count for something right?