I once, I always, I never

I once got stung in the butt while running in college. That cheeky bee had to fly up my sweatshirt to get there too! I called my mom because I had no idea what to do for a bee sting. She told me to put mud on it.

I always wash my face first thing in the shower. I read once that this means I am narcissistic. I don’t necessarily think that is true… I just don’t like to have mascara running into my eyes.

I never take my make-up off before bed. I know I should. I just don’t.

*****

I once was told that a friend of mine wouldn’t need me anymore once she had a husband and got married. At the time my friend and I laughed it off. I now think the other girl was right.

I always count stairs when I go up or down them. There are 16 outside my apartment. I count them everyday. I don’t expect them to magically change one day… I guess there is more to this OCD thing than I thought!

I never have traveled to Europe. It’s on my list of things to do before I’m 30… To be honest I’m not sure I’m going to make it.

*****

I once received a hand drawn Valentine from a boy in my class that was a picture of Rambo but said “Yo Tiffany! Be my Valentine!” I think he had his Sylvester Stallone movies confused. At the time I was mortified because he was NOT COOL. Now I wish I had been nicer to him because he was very sweet and I have often wondered what happened to him.

I always look for people from my old town in Texas on MySpace. Apparently the internet hasn’t quite made it out to Cibolo yet. Or they’ve all changed their names or moved away. Both are equally likely.

I never measure oil when it asks you to add 2 tsp to a skillet to sauté your veggies or whatnot. This seems like a waste of time to me and just one more utensil to clean. Likewise, I do not generally measure spices. Or salt and pepper. Season to taste is my motto.

*****

I once told a friend in Junior High School that I wanted to have enough sons to have my own starting line up for a football team. I have now come to my senses.

I always have liked boys better than girls. We’re petty y’all. And mean. I saw the movie – it’s all true.

I never know what to do with children. If they are young and people thrust them at me I am afraid I am going to drop them or they will vomit or make other messy baby wet spots on me. If they are older I am terrified they will speak to me and expect some sort of response.

*****

I once felt light headed from simply kissing a boy I liked.

I always day dreamed about kissing far more than I ever actually GOT kissed in High School. Sad but true. ;^D

I never fit in with a clique in school. I wasn’t sporty enough for the jocks, smart enough for the brains, pretty enough for the popular girls and so on and so on… I didn’t even really fit in with the group of friends I ended up spending most of my time with.

*****

I once had a guy who I thought was just a friend try to kiss me. It was awkward and we’ve never really spoken or hung out since then. I miss him sometimes and hear about him through the grapevine but he’s never tried to get in touch with me.

I always end up being “one of the guys”. Which seems like a cool thing to be… until you want to be the “girlfriend” of one of the guys and get laughed at. That hurts.

I never leave the house without sunscreen (at least for my face – hello wrinkles) and Chapstick. Never.

*****

I once fractured my finger while dusting. In two places.

I always think of a better thing to say after the person I am speaking to has walked away or hung up. I hate that!

I never feel like I spend enough time with my cat… Like I could be a better cat mommy somehow.

*****

I once did that whole prick your finger and become blood sisters with my best friend in grade school. Then I moved away and we lost touch… So much for being “bonded by blood”. I wonder where she is now?

I always peek at other people’s bookshelves when I’m at their houses to see what they are reading. It’s my own version of seeing what’s in the medicine cabinet I guess. You can tell a lot about a person by the type of books they read.

I never thought I’d go seven years without speaking to my father.

*****

I once got thrown from a horse because a bird flew under his belly.

I always pre-plan conversations with people in my car. Complete with alternate endings and multiple answers and scenarios based on their responses to questions either I or they might ask.

I never feel like I actually see the real me in the mirror.

For Kate

Yes I am in fact supposed to be at boot camp this morning... Why do you ask? :)

Thanks to Kate for e-mailing me these questions as part of the “interview me” game (and inspiring me to post something!). If you want to play leave me a comment.

1. When you were a little girl, what did you want to grow up to be?

It was a toss up between a ballerina (SO PRETTY) or a restaurant owner or a clothes designer. For those last two I totally used to get up before my parents on the weekends and block off the way to the kitchen so they had to go into the dining room first and “order” their breakfast from me. Off a menu. Scrambled eggs and toast? Or… scrambled eggs and toast? Also? There might be incriminating photographs of me modeling some of my early fashion designs made entirely from paper grocery bags. Bikini top with sweetheart neckline (it was the 80’s cut me SOME slack y’all) and a Hawaiian style grass skirt thing. I can’t believe I just admitted that on the internet.

2. What is one thing that you deem unforgivable in life, in your
relationships?

I guess I can’t tolerate apathy in people. PLEASE be passionate about SOMETHING! I like to surround myself with people who are excited about life. As for what I deem unforgivable in relationships? If you are my friend I find it unforgivable if you don’t put 110% of yourself into our relationship. I’m not saying all the time… I know it’s a give and take. But we all lead busy lives and I don’t have time for people who aren’t going to be there for me when I need them. I promise you if you are my friend I will be there for you when you need me. As for boyfriends / significant others… I can’t tolerate being lied to. PLEASE be honest… Don’t spare my feelings because I will be more upset when I find out you lied than I would have been had you been honest in the first place. I’m reasonable – try me.

3. Do you have a cause that is near and dear to your heart?

Sadly I have a lot of causes that are near and dear to my heart but none of which I spend a great deal of time on… It’s always that same old excuse, not enough time, not enough money, not enough… who knows. There are a few things I will always get up on my soap box about and have spent considerable time, money and personal effort trying to raise awareness for (even if not recently).

I believe in women’s rights – most importantly the right to chose what goes on in her own body and the right not to be abused in her own home. I believe that we are ruining our environment, global warming is a fact and that there is something we can do about it locally. I believe that love is love whether is exists between a man and a woman or a man and a man (or a woman and a woman) and that they should be allowed to enter into a family unit – marriage – if they wish. I also think that unless you are deathly afraid of needles, or are ineligible for whatever reason, that you should donate blood at your local blood bank. It’s an hour out of your life very 8 weeks and it literally could save a life.

4. Which fictionalized character do you mostly relate with, and why?

Heh. I could relate my whole life to one fictional character after another… Lately I’m liking the Dorothy one (see side bar – which coincidentally has been there since day one) because I do really wake up most days and wonder “how the hell did I get here?” And by “here” I don’t just mean Silicon Valley or even CA… Some days I mean just here. This job. This apartment. This particular day, in this particular month. This… life. We are definitely NOT in Kansas anymore Toto.

5. What one country, other than the U.S., would you live in if you could,
and why?

You know? As much as I would love to travel and experience other cultures I’m not sure I would want to LIVE anywhere but here… At least not permanently. Of course I could go for a good long six month sabbatical somewhere. Like Italy. Or Greece. Someplace sunny and warm with excellent food and friendly people.

And thus concludes my five. If you are interested in participating, here are
the rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!" I will respond by
e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer
them all. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. You
will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the
same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them
five questions.

Thoughts on Child Birth

You know how they say that women forget the pain of labor and child birth after awhile as part of a natural reflex that keeps them wanting to have more children? I always thought that was a load of crap personally. I have a friend whose own experience with birth was so painful and traumatic that it has permanently ensured that her adorable four year old daughter is destined to remain an only child. This from a woman who SWORE she wanted at least two. FOUR YEARS LATER PEOPLE and she has not forgotten.

But today as I’m hobbling around after having done approximately 643 million squats at boot camp in the past two days I’m starting to think that maybe somewhere in my brain I somehow blocked the memory of how painful the first week of boot camp was! Because I KNOW I was at least this out of shape the first go around… And I vaguely recall being made fun of as I limped around the office and whined about climbing up and down the stairs… But seriously! Where were these memories when I was all warm and fuzzy and thinking happy thoughts about signing back up?

Darwin was on to something y’all…

Peanut Butter on Leather

First off everyone say hi to my mom!

Who as you all know, from reading my earlier posts, is actually a wonderful mom and someone I consider a close friend, but who also maybe has the world’s worst timing when thinking “maybe today is a good day to start reading my daughter’s blog” last Friday.

*ahem*

Now. Does anyone out there know how to get peanut butter out of leather? See in an effort to give this whole boot camp thing a fighting chance I’m actually going back and following the advice from the nutritionist again also. Because as expensive as boot camp is - that nutritionist cost me my first born child (practically) so I might as well get some use out of it.

Did y’all know that there is this whole meal out there called “breakfast” that people eat in the MORNING? Which involves actual solid food and not just coffee? Yeah me neither. I mean I knew there were breakfast foods. Eggs & potatoes & all sorts of breakfast-y type goodness. I mean I LOVE breakfast foods… At about noon. On a Saturday. With a Mimosa. I’m just saying is all…

So anyway, breakfast. (Can y’all tell already this whole post is going to be filled with tangents? I can not keep a straight thought in my head today!) This morning after boot camp I had a banana and then took a piece of whole grain sourdough bread with peanut butter on it to eat in the car while I drove to work… Can you see where this is going?

I’m driving along, minding my own business, when all of a sudden traffic just stops. On the freeway. Love you Bay Area traffic! But of course my purse? The one that is sitting in the passenger seat? It totally fell forward when I slammed on my brakes. Right in to my peanut butter covered slice of bread. Awesome!

I am now the proud owner of one very cute Coach purse with a slightly peanut butter-y smelling strap. Yay me!

Fat is as fat does

Isn’t it funny how you can know something, deep down or in the back of your mind, but it never bothers you until someone close to you mentions it? So in the last 3 or 4 months I’ve gained some weight, not a ton (8 pounds to be exact – I checked), but enough that I had noticed and it was bothering me.

Now keep in mind that in the last few months I have also had pneumonia, the flu, started college again, taken two vacations and had my damn birthday – all of which joined forces to make it either hard for me to work out or hard for me not to want to EAT ALL THE TIME. Because working out is fine for me. I’ve subscribed to the “no pain no gain” newsletter and I read it faithfully. But food? Food is my weakness. I love food! I love the smells and tastes, I love cooking and experimenting… I just LOVE FOOD.

Not so good for the waistline apparently.

But I HAD noticed and was taking steps to get back on track. I’ve been to the gym and have been working my poor lungs back into workable shape. I’ve started to be a little more reasonable about the eating at home (because we have far too many social engagements for me to control it all the time) bringing back more natural foods, fruits, veggies, lean meats, blah, blah, blah… I even dug out all my old notes from the nutritionist. And then I went and did two very, very important and scary (and maybe crazy) things…

I threw out my “rainy day” pack of cigarettes. Both of them. I know, I know I said I was going to do that months ago… Well I did it now. Happy? Better late than never no?

And y’all? I signed myself back up for boot camp. Oh yeah – that’s right. Me and 5:00 am are going to get reacquainted. But seriously… that program BEAT me into shape, it DRUG me KICKING and SCREAMING into shape. I think I need a little of that again.

SO having taken the above steps in the last week or so I was certainly shocked and appalled last night at dinner when my mother pulled me aside and said “looks like you’ve gained an awful lot of weight sweetie.”

Crickets…

NOTE – if you are Southern you believe that adding “sweetie”, “sugar” or “darling” on to the end of whatever you say makes it seem alright because you truly care about the person you are saying these things to. As a Southern woman I realized last night that “sweetie” does NOT in fact make things better!

To top it all off when she called to apologize this morning (I was maybe a bit distant at dinner after that – y’all come on!) she couldn’t leave well enough alone… I got to hear about how it’s a mother’s right to be worried about their children and how clearly something must be wrong because I’ve gotten SO FAT and don’t I know I can talk to her about anything? Also, she was genuinely concerned that the new clothes I had bought myself for my birthday (in a smaller size than last year!) weren’t going to fit anymore… I was wearing one of those outfits LAST NIGHT! Perhaps it makes me look fat and I should burn it right away…

Why is it that a woman who is almost 30 can be reduced to tears of frustration on the freeway in morning traffic by her mother? How embarrassing is that? I’m sure all the other motorists thought my dog had died or something… I guess I should be embarrassed that something so trivial as being called fat makes me want to cry but… Jeez it’s been a rough road to here and I’m certainly not FAT by any means and I’m no where NEAR the weight I was when I most definitely WAS fat. It’s frustrating.

It’s enough to make a girl run to the bathroom and stick her finger down her throat.

Just a quickie…

Do people ever say things to you that leave you so non-plussed you actually have no response? Take for example the following exchange that JUST HAPPENED at my local bagel shop:

Girl behind counter: Tiffany?

Me: Yes?

GBC: I’m so sorry but we’re out of fruit salad today. Would you like potato salad or coleslaw instead?

Me: (joking) Well I always would like potato salad instead… Just have to watch my girlish figure!

Male manager type: (piping in from left field) I’ll watch it for you – I say have the potato salad.

Me: …

Alrighty then! It’s a good thing I’ll be on vacation for a week and not tempted to go in there! But damn their Panini’s make a tasty lunch.

*****

Did I mention that TheBoy and I are going to Palm Desert next week for the whole week pretty much for free? (Okay suspend reality here for a moment and pretend I blog regularly.) Yes! It’s true! AND it’s supposed to be in the high 80’s or 90 every day we are there except one! Yee Haw baby! It is pool time for Tiffy.

Bring on the freckles.

Also, I maybe have the Best Boss On The Planet since he gladly gave me the week off even though I just got back from DC like 10 days ago. I think it was maybe a birthday present / quarter end bonus / he’s just a great guy like that kind of thing.

*****

Also, I maybe whined about how I had to take Algebra? Well I went like 14 rounds with that class last week y’all and IT WAS WINNING! So I dropped it. There is apparently another class I can take that deals more with finance and statistics and real world numbers (accounting and budgeting and that stuff) but absolutely no theory and random, will-never-use-this-in-the-real-world-ever crap.

So I signed up for that one. It starts on the 24th. Wish me luck!

Because really, I wasn’t about to ruin my perfect A average over freaking Algebra which I have NEVER USED in the 14 years or so since I last took it and probably will not use again in the next 14 years. EVER.

I’m just saying is all.

Emotional Roller Coaster

It’s amazing how talking to different people can change your perspective on things. For weeks I have been standing at a crossroad. Yesterday I thought I was certain which path I was going to take. However, after having a long discussion with TheBoy last night I now realize that the path I need to take is the opposite. Perhaps I needed a voice of reason?

And today, even though I know that the choice we made was ultimately the wisest, I feel… sad. Like I’ve given up yet another dream that doesn’t quite fit into the life I’ve chosen. Why does it have to be one way or the other? And why is it always me giving in? *sigh* But enough sour grapes. This is the best decision… Financially. For us. For now.

Crossroad

Do you ever wake up in the morning and have a premonition that something is going to happen that day to change you? Yesterday morning I woke up, bright and early after a night of drinking wine and listening to live music with some co-workers, in my ocean view* hotel room in Monterey at about 6:30 am despite all my best efforts to sleep in. I had left the window open the night before so the birds were singing and I could hear the sounds of people on the street below me. For the first time in a long time I just felt… happy. It could have had something to do with the motivational seminar I attended over the last two days, or maybe the fact that the sun was out after a day of rain but I was finally feeling at peace with myself.

I stood by my window staring off into the distance watching the sunrise color the sky and thought about the last few months. About the long hours I’ve worked, the countless hours of coursework and research and participation points I’ve logged, about the changes among my friends and family and the changes I’m facing in my own life and for a moment I thought… “It’s all going to work out.”

I wasn’t sure how, and to be honest I’m still not sure, but after being in a perpetually cheery mood all day (for no good reason at all) I received a phone call from someone I hadn’t expected to hear from again. Someone with an offer of something I didn’t think would come. Then, I received news from an opposite front, good news, conflicting news. However, this time I feel secure in the path I will follow. If the stars align… Details to come.


*Ocean View = standing in one corner of the room and craning your neck out the window to glimpse the bay. It was beautiful… if a little cramped. :D

Tap, tap, tap…

Is this thing on?

I know, I know… It has been over a month since I wrote to y’all last but let me assure you it has been busy month. I have finished another class in school with an A grade (yay me) and started (and almost completed) another in which I’m on track for another A. I have interviewed and declined my dream job, come to terms with my own insecurities, looked myself in the mirror and realized once and for all how unhappy I am with my life, traveled out of town for pleasure and for business, played with my friends and generally tried to live life.

I will try to be back tomorrow with a more detailed update of at least one of the items listed above… I have also realized that because so many of my real life friends (hello friends of Tiffy!) read this blog, I have been censoring myself and trying to not let too many of my emotions pour out. But as I’ve learned in my recent management courses, sometimes letting your feelings show is a good thing. So I might try to be brave and actually post some of the things I’ve written in the last month…



I know this isn’t a political blog…

But I like these guys!

In case you don’t want to click the link it’s basically an initiative that some people are trying to get on the ballot in Washington State that would require that couples prove they are fertile prior to obtaining a marriage license and require them to have at least one child within three years of their marriage. Otherwise their marriage would be declared invalid and would be annulled.

I think this is a great response to that argument that same sex couples shouldn’t be allowed to marry because the purpose of marriage is to have children and they can not. Hopefully they can see how ridiculous it sounds now that someone has applied it to all couples and all marriages. Would you really annul the marriage of a couple who is barren? A conservative, church going couple even?

*****

Also, Hi! I know I’ve been ignoring things over here lately but things are hectic! Mainly its school but there are a few other things… More details when I can share them I promise!

I have been writing a bit but nothing feels… finished. I promise to post again soon. I miss you guys!

Thank you for not smoking?

The thing is… I like to smoke. When I was younger I always liked the heroines from 1940’s era movies with their perfectly coifed hairstyles and those slender cigarette holders. I like the way people punctuate their speech with smoke… a long drag instituting silence that can mean so many things.

Smoking never held the addiction over me like I know it does for so many people. “I only smoke when I drink” I would say. I smoked in High School to be rebellious (Lord help me for that particular cliché) and I smoked in college because… smoking in college just seemed like the thing to do. When I was dieting I smoked to keep the hunger pains away. I smoke because I like to, I like the feeling.

I know smoking is wrong. Trust me. Every mile of every run I ever take I know that I’ve made the right choice by giving up smoking. Every pose in every yoga class I feel better for having not having smoked. I listen to the same commercials as everyone else. I know people whose lives have been torn apart by lung cancer, my own family wrought with heart disease, all attributed to smoking. I get it, I do.

That is why this New Year’s Eve I decided to give up casual smoking. No more smoking “when I drink” (because I’m not in denial – I drink A LOT – that’s another post all together), no more just a drag or two out with friends, no more “when in Vegas”. I was just going to be a non-smoker. I had been proclaiming to be one for ages right?

So why is it that since I’ve made that decision, which I didn’t tell anyone about save one, that I’ve had more of an overwhelming desire to light up than I can remember in ages? It’s like there are cigarettes everywhere! At the drugstore across the street from my office… At the grocery store when I run for our weekly supplies… It’s all I can do to not casually request a pack to be tossed in with the rest.

What the hell?

Random Crap

There is nothing on the planet that can make you feel like there is something out there larger than yourself than ultrasound pictures it seems. This evening I found myself squinting at blurry images of something (someone) that resembles nothing so much as an odd tadpole. Looking up into the proud faces of the parents and seeing my own look of wonder tinged with disbelief reflected there I felt closer to God than I have in years. Something about new life and second chances and innocence…

Yesterday was a day for celebration – I successfully completed my first class back in school. I don’t have my grade yet but I feel like I did well. Even though I thought about quitting, and felt like I was in over my head, I stuck it out and finished. One class down – Nineteen to go. Eeek.

Today I started class number two. This one will be a little different I can tell already. I have a paper due every week for starters… But at least there are already two familiar names (can’t really say faces in an online class now can you?) and the professor seems very direct in his approach which I like.

Apparently it takes three times as much electricity as it does gas to produce the same or less heat in my apartment. Three times the electricity costs roughly 50% more than the gas. And here we thought we were going to save money on our exorbitant PG&E bill by not using our ancient gas heater and using electric space heaters. This means I’ve been freezing my butt off all month not only for nothing, but to pay 50% more than last month’s bill. Awesome!

No one likes to feel like they mean nothing, like their opinions don’t matter, like no one would care if they weren’t around. And yet, this seems to be a recurring theme around Chez Ghetto these days. Whether it’s work and management woes or birthdays we’re definitely throwing a pity party. Guest list total = 2.

Another cause for celebration? I have thus far, successfully avoided catching the nasty flu bug that TheBoy brought home from bowling last week! I know this is probably not exciting news to anyone but me… But if y’all had seen the poor soul, all feverish and miserable, on his birthday no less, you’d be congratulating me too.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Picture, if you will, coming home after a long work week at a job you hate but good news is it is Friday and it’s your birthday. You walk into the house and there is a massage table set up, candles lit, soft music playing and your favorite cocktail waiting for you. Good start to a birthday evening no?

After a relaxing 90 minute massage, and a couple cocktails and some yummy hors d’ouvres prepared by your loving girlfriend, you have a quick shower and get dressed up in your best suit for dinner at one of your favorite restaurants. After a leisurely dinner and a bottle or two of wine the two of you decide to head out to a local dive bar to hang out a grab another cocktail before calling it a night.

All in all a pretty good birthday evening.

Now picture that the day before your birthday you come down with some dreadful cold bug and wind up in bed for going on 20 hours straight with a raging fever and you just generally feel like crap.

DOH!

Happy birthday anyway baby! We’ll try again next week. I love you!

Run Away

I went to college at a very conservative Christian University right after high school… for less than a week. No, sadly that isn’t a typo. I actually lived in the dorms for a bit longer than that as there were all the Freshman Orientation activities and whatnot but I think I actually made it through less than a full week of classes before I walked my crying self into the registrar’s office and un-enrolled myself from college. My poor mother was literally speechless when I called her to tell her I was coming home but good news (!) I got all of my tuition reimbursed. She was not amused. But it was too late, what was done was done.

The following morning… It was a Tuesday… I packed up my entire half of the dorm as my roommate and her sister* watched and tried to make me laugh. Her boyfriend carried my one suitcase and only box down to my car which contained such things as a mini coffee maker that I just had to have for my new dorm life. I set off early, about 7:00 am, thinking I would miss some of the LA traffic. Ha! What a naïve little person I was. I should have left at like 2:00 am!

But that’s neither here nor there… The real question is why? Why did I leave?

I’ve always given the same two answers when people have asked me this question in the past so I’ll start with them now. I stand behind them as I do think that they played a big part in my decision to run away from school that fateful day.

Reason #1 – I realized that I’m not as conservative as I had been pretending to be all those years. Notice I didn’t say that I realized I wasn’t a Christian. I did then and do now believe in God. I just got to school, a very staunchly conservative school and realized that I was spending a lot of time looking around me thinking “are these people for real?” Aside from setting up my own reality check booth in the center of campus I realized there wasn’t much I could do. I was the odd ball there. Even my fellow faith bound readers can understand what I mean… We’ve all met the type. (One girl in particular comes to mind from my youth group days…) Over the top and holier than thou. But to be surrounded by them? Outnumbered? For four years?

Reason #2 – I was HOME. SICK. I mean like physically. The track at the University ran underneath the building where the married students and some of the younger faculty lived. I remember one morning I was out there running fairly early (hello So Cal heat!) and the longing to see my mother hit me so hard I literally doubled over in pain and had to sit down in the middle of the track. One of the women from that building must have seen me because she came down in her PJs to offer me water because she thought I had collapsed. I had never been that far away from home before. I missed my mom. I missed my friends. I missed my (sorry ass excuse for a) boyfriend.

I don’t know if either of those reasons is good enough for any of you to run away and abandon college but that afternoon when all was looking bleak it was enough for me. And y’all I was SCARED. It’s scary to walk in to the admissions office and ask to be un-admitted. Especially when you’d spent a YEAR trying to explain why you should be admitted in the first place!

I. WAS. SCARED. And that, my friends, is the real (and heretofore unmentioned) real reason why I ran away from college that day almost 10 years ago. I sat in my classes and was surrounded by people who seemed like they had their shit together you know? And I was so overwhelmed by the amount of work that was piling up and it was only the first week! No one else seemed to be concerned. Granted, looking back, I can see that I had signed myself up for some serious honors level courses and therefore most of my classmates were sophomores and had a year of this college thing under their belts so no wonder they were calm but to my scared little homesick eye… I just didn’t think I was going to cut it.

Sort of like my mini-freak out of the past two days. I’m telling you guys this college thing is a lot of work! And I am out of practice! This week coming off a two week break for the holidays I was so overwhelmed by the amount of work I had left to complete in a mere 10 days that I was quite literally stunned into inactivity. I would lay away at night and wonder if I was doing the right thing and one particular morning (Wednesday?) I had pretty much convinced myself to call my academic counselor and withdraw from my current class… if not from school all together.

Thankfully I have wonderful friends who are great champions (and who really should stop giving me shit about being a cheerleader in high school cause y’all? Really really good at cheerleading! I’m just saying…) and managed to talk some sense into me. I just have to keep my eye on the goal right? Also, maybe it would help if I reminded myself that I’m not quite as stupid as I feel. Sometimes. I feel better. And the urge to run away has passed. This time. Because I think you can run away from your fears sometimes but eventually you have to turn around and face them.


*Twins (sophmores) from China – I impressed them by actually being able to count to ten in Cantonese on my first day in the dorm. It’s one of BFL’s favorite stupid drunken party tricks of mine.

1 day down…

364 more to go!

Goodbye to 2006 (I hope the door smacked you on the A$$ on the way out) and a warm southern welcome to 2007! Y’all I already FEEL different. It’s going to be a good year… I can tell. I hope like hell I didn’t just jinx myself by writing that.

Because TheBoy has SUCH a stellar job and had to work yesterday on New Year’s Day, we found ourselves having quite the toned-down amateur night. Which really, truth be told, was fine by me with one notable exception and that was the lack of any of my girlfriends! Thank God for cell phones! But you have to love a party that requires the wearing of pajamas right?

One of the things we did at our little New Year’s get together was make a list of 10 things we’d like to improve in ourselves or accomplish in 2007. Then one guest took these lists and is going to mail them to us in December. Scary huh? In totally unlike me character I actually had a hard time filling the list with 10 items. I can’t even remember what all 10 things I wrote down were but I do know it contained such exciting items such as:

1 ~ remember to remove make-up and wash face before bed every night. (I am notoriously bad at doing this!)

2 ~ floss more regularly. (My dentist put the fear of God into me a couple years ago when I had to have oral surgery and I was pretty good about flossing… for about a year. Really need to get back in to the habit!)

So really you can see that my heart was totally in to writing down resolutions at 10 pm at night on New Year’s Eve after a couple martinis… :D I think I did get better at some point because I do recall listing things like:

3 ~ continue to pay-off debt on schedule set up. (Yes I do have a schedule set up – I just signed up to have a ginormous student loan so I figure I should debt free when that bad boy hits 6 months after graduation right?)

4 ~ pay for things with cash. no cash = no buying. bring lunches from home, curtail eating dinner out so much, less going out for drinks, etc…

5 ~ continue saving for house (even if I never buy the damn thing).

6 ~ focus on school work as main priority on evenings and weekends. remind self, “friends WILL understand”.

And also, because this is ME we’re talking about here… You know there had to be a few exercise related resolutions right? Actually, I only could come up with 2 which is shocking… They are:

7 ~ yoga 3 times a week.

8 ~ running again (half marathon with Dawn in September?) and crossing training (stair machine of death) for backpacking / hiking trips.

Right. So I had 8. I was left with 2 little empty blanks staring at me from that stupid piece of paper screaming “you love lists!” and “fill me!” It was painful y’all. Truly painful. To be honest I can’t even remember what I wrote down… Something about being the most “positive and enthusiastic person I know” maybe? I seem to always throw that one in. I should have put one on there about being a better blogger. THAT would have been useful!

I can honestly say that 38 hours in to 2007 I’m doing pretty well on keeping up the resolutions. What do I have? Something like 8,700 hours to go? I think I’m up for it! I hope you all had wonderful holiday seasons and are enjoying the opening days of 2007.

Resolute

Adj. Firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.

Last year about this time I posted this which contained all my New Year’s resolutions and hopes for 2006. Heh. Well, for those who have been reading along these past 12 months (or who know me in real life) know that 2006 has been a LONG and HARD year for me. But I’ve survived. I’ve survived and I’m even cautiously optimistic about 2007. Truly.

I was even pleasantly surprised to see that I didn’t totally blow it on all of my resolutions for 2006. Since y’all know… I do love me a good list! So what are the results? SO glad you asked!

~ I did lose the last 12 pounds and made it to my goal weight. Yay me! I’ve even managed to make it through the holiday season and only gain about two pounds. Not too shabby… I’d like to see some more toning but considering I haven’t set foot in my gym more than sporadically in the last couple months… Eh. I’ll take it!

~ I didn’t enter any 10k or half marathons. For two reasons. Two of my close girlfriends got engaged this year, one of whom I was the maid of honor for. That’s a lot of work people. Also, there was the whole mosquito / staph / bacterial infection issue… It’s hard to train with a hole in your foot y’all. I’m just saying.

~ Reasonable eating plan was successful. I attribute that as the reason why I am not the size of a house given my lack of exercise (see above).

~ I did not ever manage to enroll at SJSU (hate you SJSU!!) but I am currently enrolled at the University of Phoenix online and am working on completing my degree. Not in history (maybe not so useful after all) but in Business (boring) and Hospitality Management (yay!).

~ Debt. Ha! (See weddings/running above.)

~ Consumption of alcohol. Ha Ha! (See weddings/running/debt above.)

~ I’m still working on the Positive and Enthusiastic part… I have good days and… “other” days. What can I say?

~ I’ve come to terms with my insomnia. I call it Louise and we get together regularly. I miss her if she doesn’t show up regularly. It’s a love / hate relationship but I can’t giver her up. What can I say… Maybe I like the relationships that are bad for me?

~ I resisted the urge to cut off all my hair… Until after Angie’s wedding. Ooops! Well whatever. It’s just hair right?

~ As for all those others… Well I’m sure I could have done a better job of showing my friends how much they mean to me. I could have spent more time with my mother. I could have called more, written more, been less self-absorbed. Like I said, this was a tough year. For that… I am sorry. But my wonderful, selfless, truly amazing friends and family were by my side through it all. I am truly lucky.

~ Did I try anything new this year? Was I risky? Did I do anything exciting and out of my comfort zone? Hmmm… I went back to school. That counts right? And… You know what? I was honest about my feelings with someone for the first time ever. It didn’t get me the results I thought it would… But it was scary and I did it and I suppose I can’t really regret it (even though deep down a piece of me does). So there you have it – I did two new and exciting and also, scary and terrifying things in 2006.

I actually haven’t made any resolutions for 2007 yet. I’ve been so busy trying to get through 2006 that I haven’t spent a whole lot of time looking forward to the New Year yet. But knowing me and my little list loving heart I’ll be back soon with a little list of must do’s for 2007! Hopefully on that list will be a line item for “be a better blogger”!

;^D

Sleepless rambling

I am sitting alone on my tiny two foot by three foot hotel balcony over-looking the state capitol. It is 3:00 am and I am freezing cold but I can’t sleep so I am sitting here, wrapped in an awful hotel blanket, smoking too many cigarettes, tipsy from one too many martinis and thinking of the events of the evening. I’m alone, but not lonely, it’s been a long two days and I’m ready to go home tomorrow. Wait, I’m going home today. I never stay up this late. Early. Whatever.

It’s funny how things that are meant to do one thing can sometimes do another. I’m here in Sacramento at a conference designed to get me motivated about my current industry. Yet all I can think of is how I can apply any of these theories to the industry I really want to be in. I laugh at all the jokes and tease my co-workers about their corny enthusiasm but really my mind is a million miles away.

“Where do you see yourself in three years Tiffany?”

Do questions like that ever catch you off guard? Do you ever answer them honestly? I never do. And really, how can you know? I know where I’d LIKE to be in three years. Then there is where I can realistically see myself in three years. And of course there is the answer I know my boss is looking for… where he wants me to be in three years. Where my mom wants me to be in three years. Where my friends, my boyfriend want me to be in three years.

Where do I want to be in three years?

Far, far away from this balcony.

Do you ever wish you could disappear and make yourself into something else entirely. I wonder, briefly, what it would be like to fly from this balcony (not jump – no worries) and just soar above the earth until I find a place that looks… a little warmer. A little more inviting. Like a place I could put down roots and prosper.

Somewhere… I could be me. In three years.

Thankful

I’m thankful for my friends. You keep me grounded. You support me, love unconditionally, make me laugh and let me cry. Most importantly, you share your wine! I love you all.

I’m thankful for TheBoy. We’ve had one hell of a year haven’t we? No matter what I love you. Remember.

I’m thankful for my family. My mom is my number one fan. It never fails to amaze me how she comes through for me time and time again. I’m thankful for my grandmother’s continued heath and for the recovery of my Aunt Sue from her surgery earlier this year. I’m thankful that I finally got to visit with most of my family at our reunion this summer.

I’m thankful for my health. Even though it’s been a tenuous year as far as my health goes, I think it’s under control now and for that I am TRULY thankful! What’s a little scaring among friends… Right?

I’m thankful for my job. Even though lately it’s been difficult and (why lie?) I’ve been very unhappy, for the most part I like the people I work with and times are good. I’m thankful that it affords me food on the table, clothes on my back and the opportunity to go back to school.

I’m thankful for all the wonderful vacations I’ve been on in the last year. Maui with Liz was truly the trip of a lifetime, hopefully we can do it again. My family reunion to Oregon was a whirlwind two day extravaganza and even though I was freaking exhausted… it was fun. SunRiver with TheBoy and his family is always a good time. Trips to Lake Shasta, though few, were a blast. Two trips to Donner, one of which DID NOT result in a flood (thankyouverymuch), thanks Michele. And last but not least a vacation to Cabo San Lucas. Whew! I’m exhausted just remembering all of that!

I’m thankful that I was able to participate in two of my close friends weddings this year. Best of wishes to Angie and Erik and to Michele and John! I love you guys! Also, I’m thankful for being able to be involved in the wedding of TheBoy’s brother. Best wishes to Josh and Kristi!

I’ve spent a lot of this year just wishing it would be over. It’s been a rough year for me. Rough in my personal life, rough in my professional life, rough on my health… But when I started jotting things down for this post I realized.... I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I’m thankful for perspective.

I’m thankful that it’s only 39 days until 2007!

School Days

I’m here!

Are you? Ahem…

I have so much news! I’ll just give you the biggest (in my opinion) and that is that yours truly is going back to school. Officially and for real this time. One day last week as I was sitting around, drinking too much wine and generally wishing I had something to look forward to I decided to stop my bitching and do something about it.

So! I’ve been accepted into an online program to finish my bachelor degree in hospitality management so that I can actually pursue my dream of becoming an event coordinator / planner or one day actually own that successful catering company I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I start classes a week from today.

I’m very excited.

Back to life...

Have you ever noticed how discontent in one area of your life can lead to unhappiness in others? It’s hard to decipher whether or not you are (or should be) truly upset about something or rather if you’re just upset period. Is it just me? The last few weeks have been difficult, not just for me but for those around me also. I sincerely apologize for that.

It was not my intention to be silent here for almost 3 weeks and for that I apologize too. Know that I was still reading your thoughts, if not daily at least frequently enough that I still felt in the loop. It’s funny how the impulsive decision to join this online fad called blogging has led me to “meet” so many wonderful people.

I’m bored. I’m bored with my life. I feel… stifled, frozen, unhappy. I let it get to point where I didn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning to face this life. I need a challenge. Something rewarding, fulfilling, something to do that I can be proud of. I need something to look forward to.

Thank you all for your well wishes over the past few weeks… I’m gathering my thoughts and will be back with you shortly. As far as I can tell I’m already 12 posts behind in National Blogger’s Month – in which presumably we’re all supposed to blog once a day for… some unknown reason that breeds solidarity. Bloggers unite for NaBloMo!

Difficult

I’ll make no excuses for the blog silence other than this… I find it hard to write here when I’m feeling conflicted because I can’t share too many details. It’s just not who I am. My personal life is private and too many of my real life friends read this for me to really unburden here. And if I’ve learned anything from reading Dooce it’s that you should NEVER EVER discuss work turmoil online.

Let me just sum it up like this. The following things brought me to tears yesterday (in no particular order):

- A song on the radio about being a housewife
- A blog post about someone getting (what I would assume is) her dream job
- An OnStar commercial on the radio
- Telling TheBoy how stupid it was for me to cry at an OnStar commercial!
- An e-mail from an old co-worker detailing how much fun she’s having now that she quit her job here and is doing this

Please send wine.

More Cabo Pics!

Before we went to dinner at Edith's, we went to this fabulous little place to have a sunset cocktail. This place was totally unassuming from the outside and under construction (as all of Cabo appears to be) but Lord the view!

Here's Chris and Chrsitie again... Aren't they cute?


Me and TheBoy... I suppose we're not too bad ourselves. :)

Here's the whole gang after the sun had set and right before we left for dinner. We met the nicest people there, two couples, from Texas who took this picture of us all. Y'all! Now they weren't from anywhere near Cibolo (or San Antonio for that matter) BUT they were from near where Rhonda grew up/has family! Did I mention Rhonda's a Texas girl? Y'all KNOW I love her right? Small world huh?

More pics from dinner... Here's Connie, being flirted with by our waiter.

Me and That Boy again... and Dawn and Rhonda...

Cabo Pictures!

You can thank TheBoy's dad for these because I still can't find my stupid cable... But here are a few to tide you over!

I think I mentioned that the hotel upgraded us to these fabulous suites that were maybe, not quite finished? One of the things that wasn't completed when we checked in that first night was there was NO WATER IN THE HOT TUBS! Luckily we'd had enough tequila that we didn't mind!

Here we are, slightly hung over and VERY HOT, the next morning at Margaritavilla. Not to be confused with the infinately more popular (and cleaner) place by a similar name which is owned by Jimmy Buffet. *ahem*

This restaurant was by far the best meal I ate in Cabo. The restaurant was called Edith's and we (the kids) took Doug and Kate (TheBoy's dad and step-mom) out to dinner to thank them for inviting us all to Cabo and really planning this whole vacation. Or at least that was the plan. Somehow Rhonda got ahold of the check at the end of the night and ended up treating everyone! So we spent the rest of the trip trying to make it up to her...

I had grilled lobster, grilled prawns (which were HUGE!) and a teeny tiny piece of Kobe filet which was to die for. Hmmm... Oh and tortilla soup. I tried the tortilla soup almost everywhere. Is it any wonder I've gained a few pounds!?!? The boy had some gi-normous Mexican platter thing. Also very tasty!

More pictures from dinner... Step-Brother Chris and his much hotter half Christie.

Okay apparently that's all the pictures Blogger will let me upload for the time being... So you'll probably think all we did on this vacation is drink. And you're pretty close to right! I'll try again later to post some more. AND to find my cable to I can post some photos of my own!

Excuses and Lies

I make excuses and avoid having conversations with people because I don’t think I really want to know the truth. It’s easier for me to come up with reasons I think people behave the way they do than face the cold hard truth. Facing the truth is scary. I like to lie to myself. Is that naïve?

Because sometimes knowing the truth means making decisions. Decisions I may not be mentally or emotionally prepared to make. So instead of asking, “why don’t you want this?” Or, “what did you mean by that?” I excuse it away in my head blaming a bad childhood or emotional blockage or saying they’re just “that way” and for the most part I convince myself that I’m right.

But in my dreams? At night I’m forced to accept the fact that perhaps it’s not the fact that someone just doesn’t show emotions – perhaps they don’t FEEL the particular emotion I want them to feel. Maybe it’s not that they’re just “that way” it’s just that they’re “that way” with me. It’s not really any of the things I made up in my mind.


What if it’s not his parents divorce?

The point of exhaustion

I know I’ve written far too many posts where in I apologize for not posting but I really do feel bad for leaving you with a shrill political scolding for 10 days and coming back with a half-assed vacation recap so let me explain the last three days…

Sunday: Woke up ridiculously early having passed out early after unpacking from the flight the night before. Went to the Farmer’s Market, went to the grocery store, caught up on e-mail, cleaned up roughly 378 places where the cat vomited, cooked breakfast and made key-lime tartlets – all before 11:00 am. At 11:05 I realized I was supposed to be at Michele’s house in 25 minutes and had not managed to bathe – resigned myself to being late.

Showed up sometime around noon to Michele’s house to deliver the above tartlets and help prepare mini tea sandwiches for Michele’s tea party themed Bridal Shower. (Yay for Bridal Showers!*) General fun and good times ensued until around… 5:00 or so when the party ended and the guests had left. I’m fuzzy on the exact timing – I do recall leaving with more cookies and sweets than I knew what to do with! Also – I won a bingo at bridal bingo! Yay me!

Arrived home Sunday evening anticipating a quiet evening of cooking at home. Instead TheBoy wanted to go out for Mexican food because we failed to have a really good Mexican food dinner while in Cabo. Go figure. Afterwards a friend of ours was bartending at the bar she owns in town so we decided to swing by and hang out with some friends. We managed to be there about 30 minutes before TheBoy said something to hurt my feelings and I wanted to go home. I think we stayed about 30 additional minutes before I managed an escape.

Monday: Woke up very early and was at my desk 15 minutes before my normal time even though it was technically a holiday. Worked my tail off all day wading through e-mails and voicemails and piles of files and paperwork that had accumulated in my absence, finally stumbling out the door a full 10 hours after my arrival with no more than a 10 minute run to Subway as a break.

Ran over to pick up some pants I had left to be altered before leaving town and finally made it home about 7:00 where I thought briefly about going to the gym but decided instead to cook dinner. Michele and Cate called after they got done with their workout at the gym (they are SO much more motivated on this working out thing than I am) and they joined me and a just arriving home TheBoy for a late dinner and a decidedly chick flick, Raise Your Voice. It was cute. Fell into bed exhausted sometime after 11:00 pm.

Tuesday: Woke up at the un-Godly hour of 5:00 am to get ready for work and drop TheBoy off at the surgery center where he was having orthroscopic surgery on his right shoulder. I was at my desk going full steam ahead by 6:45 am. At 9:45 am I got the call that TheBoy was out of surgery and could I please go pick up some medication at Walgreens before I came to pick him up? An hour later I was finally out of Walgreens (!) and on my way to the surgery center.

The rest of my afternoon involved plumping pillows, fetching pain pills, anti-nausea pills, making soup and pouring sprites and water. Poor TheBoy, he could hardly walk or keep his eyes open very long and he looked like he was in so much pain! Also, to add insult to injury, every time he takes one of his pain pills it gives him the worst hiccups! Of course, being the sweet and loving girlfriend that I am, I set my alarm for every 4 hours during the night to wake him up to take his pills. And of course, being the basket case that I am, I couldn’t sleep for fear I’d miss the alarms! *ahem*

Today: I full on got in the car this morning, backed out of the driveway and drove to the end of the street when I realized that I had forgotten something. So I promptly, turned around, pulled back in the drive way and went back up stairs to brush my teeth.

Then, I get to work, turn on my computer, go to the kitchen to fill my water bottle and get a cup of tea, have a complete conversation with not one but TWO co-workers before going to the little girl’s room to wash my hands when I realize… I managed to put on a full face of make-up this morning MINUS mascara. One trip to Walgreens later and I have remedied the situation and now have an “emergency” mascara stash in my desk drawer.

Y’all? There is not coffee enough in the world for this day. But! I am almost caught up in all the blog reading I missed while in Mexico. You guys were busy! And I missed you!


*Also, HolyFreakingHell the wedding is only 9 days away!

Esta Bien

Hello faithful blog readers! Or rather Hola!

I’m back from my vacation to Cabo San Lucas where there was much relaxing at the beach/pool and far too much tequila consumption. A good time was had by all. I’ll try to get some pictures posted in the next few days. I’m waiting on the ones taken by TheBoy’s step-brother’s girlfriend also as she was MUCH better about bringing the camera with us.

Today it’s back to life, back to reality (are those the lyrics to some 80’s pop song?), back to the gym and seriously into detox mode for Tiffy. Here are a few highlights from our trip:

- Doug, Kate, Dawn, Chris and Christi all arrived in Cabo at Terminal 1. TheBoy and I were arriving at Terminal 2 shortly thereafter. Upon their arrival they asked someone there if our flight had landed and were told it had been delayed by 30 – 45 minutes. It had not. So while they were enjoying a cocktail in the airport bar, TheBoy and I were anxiously waiting outside Terminal 2 wondering if we’d been forgotten.

- When we finally make it to the resort we learn there has been some mix up with our reservations (welcome to Mexico) but they are going to upgrade us to 2 ocean view suites complete with private jacuzzi tubs on the balconies. SWEET!

- The downside to our ocean view suites? The wing of the resort they are in is still under construction. And dang it if those Mexican workers aren’t industrious and like to start work in the wee hours of the morning! Calls placed to the front desk before 6:00 am to kindly ask them to stop pounding until a more Godly hour? 3. By our group alone.

- 2 for 1 drinks at the pool bar. Enough said.

- Water taxis are harder to get in and out of than they look. I’m just saying is all.

- We went to a “beach party” on Wednesday night at our hotel that was all you can eat and all you can drink. Standing in line to get in the event staff from the hotel had squeeze bottles full of alcoholic beverages they would randomly squeeze in to your mouths. They liked us a lot. Avoiding eye contact only made it worse. The lead singer in the band was very easy on the eyes.

- TheBoy came in second place in a limbo contest. This is significant because he is 6’7”. He lost to a tee tiny 18 year old who was maybe 5’ tall. I was proud. TheBoy was actually quite the joiner the whole week! He played pool volleyball, sand volleyball, entered a beer chugging contest, did a tequila walk… Everyone in the resort knew him by the end of the week.

- The best dinner by far we had in Cabo was at Edith’s. It was also by far the most expensive dinner we had. But Good Lord Almighty it was tasty! I had grilled lobster tail and jumbo prawns with Kobe filet. TheBoy had a Kobe New York Steak I think and enchiladas. So yummy!

- The cheapest meal we ate was right outside of Cabo Wabo where The Boy and I shared 5 beers and a plate of nachos for $10. SWEET!

- 9 out of 10 people in our group got sick at one point or another. The one lucky soul? TheBoy. But that’s okay because the first night we were there he maybe had a tad too much tequila so he was sick the next morning just not the same type of sick as the rest of us.

- We went through almost two 3 liter bottles of tequila in our room alone. Not counting what we ordered from the bar or while out in town. Also, there was quite a bit of damage done to a case of Tecate and 3 or 4 bottles of champagne were polished off. The other suite had a virtual full bar with Jack Daniels, Vodka, cases and cases of wine plus at least one case of Corona that we saw.

- It was HOT HOT HOT there. And humid! That’s saying a lot coming from this Southern girl. But dang it if I didn’t have cute hair while we were there!

All in all it was an awesome trip but it sure is good to be home!

A Plea for Education

I am not going to make a political statement even though I do have some fairly strong thoughts on the events that have transpired in Congress in the last few days. I am instead issuing a plea.

No matter which way your political sympathies lie, PLEASE educate yourselves as to what is happening in your world, in YOUR country. My biggest fear is that so many people claim they “don’t have the time” to educate themselves about what is happening in the political arena… I’d hate to have people wake up one morning and realize we’re living in Nazi Germany.

"If we sit by complacently and watch our rights erode, it won't be long until don't have any"*

Here is the full text of the “Military Commissions ACT of 2006” or the Detainee Bill that has been voted through by Congress. Read it for yourselves.



*I can’t recall where I read that quote – because I’ve been doing a LOT of reading over the past 24 hours – so to whomever, wherever, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Vanity

I leave for Cabo in 41 hours. I have accomplished almost nothing on my list of “to-do” items. As you can imagine, this is causing me a lot of undue stress! Between the laundry and the ironing and the packing (don’t even get me started on the ever changing FDA approved items for travel list!) and running around to take care of the *ahem* personal grooming items that needed to be maintained before I could possibly wear a bikini… I’m going crazy over here!

A couple of weeks ago after the biopsy, in which the doctor cut a hole in my foot, I was having just one of those days. Ladies, you know what I mean… I was just starting to feel like maybe the universe should put down the ugly stick it’s been beating me with for the past several weeks. Take for example:

1) I am in desperate need of a haircut but my stylist says it’s pointless to do anything before Cabo because the salt water and chlorine will ruin it.

2) All of my nails have been breaking like crazy. I think this might be another joyous effect of whatever infection is currently running rampant in my system. Being able to grow strong and healthy nails has always been a point of pride for me.

3) I have not been to the gym in WEEKS. Because I have a HOLE in my FOOT. Have I mentioned that before?

4) Also, let’s not forget that I have some serious purple scarring going on all over my feet and legs. AND? Now I have mysterious bumps showing up, not only in the scars but also in places that I previously had no bite! Is this fair?

So, as I sat at my desk at work, having my own little pity party (table for 1) I decided that at the very least I could have cute hands. So I took my scraggly haired, plague having, limping fat ass down to the nail salon closest to my office and bought a set of nails. Oh yes I did. And I love them – click clickity click.

Ahem.

So that was 2 weeks ago and I wanted to get a fill before I left for Cabo. Cute hands in Cabo – check! Scary plague rash on legs under sundress – check! check! Anywho, I was going to try to find a cheaper place to go (as downtown is quite expensive) but in the interest of saving time I went ahead and made an appointment at the salon with the girl who did the original set. When I got there she was “at lunch” (?) even though I had an appointment so another girl was going to work on me.

I sat down in the chair and explained what I wanted (fill, shorten to length of my nails, very thin) and then started zoning out to all the other things I have to do before I leave. However, I was drug back from la la land by the SEARING PAIN in my fingers! Seriously, this girl had a dremmel tool sander thing and she was going to use it! It felt like every nerve in the tip of my fingers was on fire. I literally had to close my eyes and breathe deep to get through it. I tried a couple times to explain the agony but she just kind of giggled and offered some encouragement (so pretty!).

It’s a shame really because at the end when I finally became brave enough to open my eyes, where I was expecting to see bloody stumps, sat what is probably the best fill I’ve ever had. No pain no gain? Even so I think I’ll take my chances with a new salon next time! My fingers are STILL tender in some places! But I have pretty bought and paid for nails. A girl’s got to have something.

Just me

I hate cold pizza. I love pickles and have been known to drink from the pickle jar. I don’t like fruity sweet drinks, except sangria. I like my martinis dirty, with extra olives. It’s like a snack with my beverage. I could drink beer all day long but I’m trying to cut back because I hear the beer belly look is out this fall. I used to love to cook but I’m terrified I’ve lost it. Regardless of how I FEEL about it, I’m pretty damn good at it.

I’m anal retentive and a neat freak. My closets are organized not only by article of clothing (tops, pants, skirts, dresses) but also by sleeve length or hem length and then by color. My CDs and movies are alphabetized. I do not understand how people can ever find the CD they are looking for if they are NOT alphabetized. A couple times a year I go through and throw away food and condiments in my kitchen that are close the expiration date or have been open “too long”. The definition of “too long” varies by which germaphobic moment I’m having that day.

I cry at movies. My friends mock me for it but I’ve caught a few of them doing it too. Don’t ask why I’m the one who gets the label of “the crier”. I also cry when I’m angry, frustrated, tired or in pain. I cry a lot. Coincidentally I HATE crying. Especially when I’m angry (talk about undermining your position in an argument!), frustrated (usually I end up more frustrated with myself than what I was originally frustrated about), tired or in pain (I try to be in denial about both).

I can not go on vacation, even for a weekend, unless the house is clean. This adds lots of pre-vacation stress but I hate coming home from a relaxing time away to a messy house. It will totally negate any fun I had. Seriously. I wish I could make it so that I couldn’t go to bed at night without certain things being done. When I get tired, I am T-I-R-E-D. I can fall asleep almost anywhere and in the most amazing positions. I blame this amazing “insta-sleepy” on my inability to remember to take off my make-up before bed.

In my lifetime I have dreamed of being all of the following things: a Broadway dancer / singer / actress, a writer, an animal trainer, a missionary, a chef / restaurant owner, a social services worker, a paralegal, an attorney, a real estate agent, a caterer and most recently an event planner / wedding coordinator. Notice never once did I mention or dream of my current position… I think that is a sign.

When I was a Junior High School I told my friend Shawn that I wanted to have “enough children to have my own mini-football team.” Heh. I’ve since come to my senses and realized that I have neither the patience nor the resources for such an endeavor. I also do not have the desire. But lately? I have been thinking very small and very quiet thoughts that maybe, just maybe, I might want one.* I promptly drown that voice with another dirty martini. Let’s see if that inner monologue bitch can swim!

I have been told that I am hard to get to know. I will admit to being a little guarded. I have a busy life and I’m not about making friends just so I can say I have 50 bajillion friends. Impress me. Intrigue me. Make me laugh. But I am fiercely loyal to the friends I do have. I believe in friends for life, making it work. I would do just about anything for a select handful of people. I think they feel the same.

I love music – I feel and empathize with lyrics. I constantly have an internal soundtrack playing. When things happen to me I find songs that relate to get me through. Sometimes a song coming on the radio will take me back to a different time and place faster than if you’d brought it up specifically. There are songs I can not listen to for this reason.

I am obsessed with working out and counting calories. More than is probably healthy so I try to curb it. In the height of my MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT. frenzy I was working out with a boot camp program 5 days a week for an hour in the morning and then taking yoga 2 nights a week and on Sunday mornings PLUS fitting in 2 or 3 additional work outs during the week. It was excessive. Needless to say, this hole in my foot? Totally cramping my style!

I hate meeting new people. I hate calling people I don’t know REALLY well on the phone. I hate ordering take-out. I won’t use the bathroom of a restaurant I haven’t eaten at unless it is a DIRE emergency. I still feel the need to talk to my mother every few days to keep me grounded. I wish I had finished college when I had the chance. I am stubborn. I like rules. People don’t like to play games with me because I adhere to the rules so strictly. I’m the polar opposite of selfish. I wish sometimes that I could learn to be a little more selfish.

I read for fun. In school I used to look forward to getting homework. I’m a geek. I used to cross stitch and my grandmother once showed me how to crochet. Those are the limits of my creative talents. Knitting may be the new yoga but I’m pretty darn good at the old yoga so I’ll stick with it. I am sarcastic. I might drink too much sometimes. I am the queen of multi-tasking. I make lists. I love to cross things off a list.



*I totally blame Dooce. Seriously – read the archives of the newsletters that she writes to her daughter every month… Or maybe? Don’t. Look what it is doing to me!

Things

Things that make me happy:

Itty bitty kitten faces.

Salons that serve wine.

Spending the weekend at the beach with my girls, celebrating Michele’s wedding in less than a month! I’m SO looking forward to relaxing and drinking wine and just hanging out with my friends.

Plans to see my mom next week. She’s been gone for over a month visiting my Aunt in Washington who recently had surgery. She’s a good sister but I’ve missed her!

8 DAYS TO CABO!!!


Things that make me unhappy:

Referrals that come by mail from a Doctor I’ve never seen, to Pathologist I’ve never seen, at Medical Center I’ve never been to, presumably resulting from a biopsy which still hurts, done by a Dermatologist who has never called me to let me know what the results were.

Mosquitoes swarming at my desk and the fact that the outside of my office building smells like piss. I think these things are related.

Realizations

A couple nights ago I went out with TheBoy’s step-sister and a good friend to listen to live jazz, have dinner, drink some good wine and generally catch up. Over the years that TheBoy and I have been together I’ve really come to love his family and feel most days like they are my own. Recently his sister has moved closer to us and I’ve been dying to take advantage of this opportunity to have “girl time”.

As girls do, the conversation quickly turned to men, both Step-Sister and Good Friend are single and dating with new prospective love interests on the horizon. I love hearing all the new, first date jitters, the will he call, should I see him tonight, initial chemistry and attraction stories… It reminds me of when TheBoy and I first were dating.

And of course, no matter how hard I try for it not to, the conversation always turns to us, to me and TheBoy, our relationship check up if you will. But Step-Sister asked me something the other night that really made me stop and think, really THINK.

“What would you being doing differently now, if (TheBoy) weren’t in the picture?”

Maybe it was the martini I had while listening to the music and waiting for our table, maybe it was the glass of wine with dinner, or the two glasses afterwards… But for the first time I actually let myself think about the answers to this question.

Because really? What happily coupled person thinks about what their life would be like as a single? Isn’t that akin to waking up married but dreaming of divorce? It just seems like a bad idea to me – I’m committed to “us” so I make progress for “us” right? What’s this “me” stuff anyway.

But you know… I had some interesting realizations that night. About myself. About what I want for the future. And it wasn’t anything like what I thought they would be… It’s shocking for me to think too long about now, much less say aloud. I might even deny it in polite company. My friends would never in a million years believe me.

Is this what growing up is about? I stare at myself in the mirror in the mornings now and am not sure I recognize the woman I see reflected there.

Déjà vu

So here’s the part where I admit something totally candidly and y’all pretend NOT to think I have gone off the deep end. No really – no need for the white jackets… yet. You guys can not possibly think I am any crazier than I do myself right now.

So I think every one is familiar with the feeling of déjà vu no? That sense that you’ve been somewhere, done, felt or said something, or even been in a situation before? I have that feeling ALL THE TIME. Seriously. Sometimes it’s so strong that it makes me physically ill – I once literally FELL OVER. Not kidding. But you know what the scary part is? Not that I’m having these silly déjà vu feelings but that I’m having them for situations I’ve experienced in DREAMS.

Y’all?

Please, pretty please? Don’t back away from the monitor and look at me like that!

And you know what the worst part is? Sometimes in my dream I’m experiencing not so happy things you know. Like, for example, breaking up with my boyfriend. And then now, when I experience these stupid déjà vu feelings from… say reading the side of a box of pasta, or having a chat exchange with a friend, or reading something on a blog… it brings back all those other devastating feelings!

Maybe I should lay off the sauce.

100 Things

Sorry for the lame post guys... I have so much going on in my head but can't seem to get any of it out! Also, I practically slept the whole damn weekend away so I don't even have any interesting stories for you!

001. What is the best way to get over someone? Stay busy

002. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? Mascara and chapstick

003. Is your AIM away message on? I don’t use AIM but I’m online on Google Chat

004. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Hmm… Mexican? Or does it have to be more specific than that? Grilled Chicken tostada with black beans.

005. What curse word do you use the most? Shit

006. Do you own an ipod? Yes

007. Who on your Myspace ” top 8 ” do you talk to the most? Ryan, Liz, Michele, Angie

008. What time is your alarm clock set for? 6:15

009. Have you ever bid for something on ebay? Yep

010. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside? Yep

011. Where do you buy your groceries from? Safeway, Trader Joe’s and occasionally Whole Foods

012. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take

013. What was the last movie you watched? Three to Tango

014. Do any of your friends have children? Yes. Mar has Elly. Dave and Mandi have Mike. Tammie and Steve have Brad, Nick, Andrew and Maggie. Nitssia has Nikki and Marq.

015. If you won the lottery, whats the first thing you would buy? Depends on how much I won! A house maybe… After I paid off some debt.

016. Has anyone ever called you lazy? My mother I’m sure!

017. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? No – I’m afraid!

018. What CD is currently in your CD player? Sugarland – “Twice the Speed of Life”

019. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Chocolate but I shouldn’t have either

020. Has anyone told you a secret this week? LOL – yes actually

021. When was the last time someone hit on you? Um… last night

022. What did you have for dinner? I split chicken fajitas with my friend Brie

023. What is your biggest fear? Not being good enough

024. What color is your car? White with a tan top

025. Can you whistle? Yes but only the regular kind

026. What is your favorite Christmas/winter movie? The one with the elf who wants to be a dentist

027. Do you make your own jewelry? Lol – nope!

028. Have you ever participated in a protest? Yes - several

029. Who was the last person to call you? Hmm… My boss

030. What is your favorite ride at an amusement park? Something that spins!

031. What is something you must do everyday? Shower?

032. Have you ever dated one of your best friends? Is this a trick question? My boyfriend IS my best friend but he didn’t start that way… I don’t believe in dating friends… that’s why they are friends.

033. What area code are you in right now? 650

034. Did you watch cartoons as a child? Yes – and they were SO much better!

035. How big is your local mall? Ginormous! I still get lost.

036. What is your job title? Mortgage Sales Associate

037. What do you miss most? Summer vacation

038. Would you ever sky dive? I’ll never say never

039. What are you allergic to? Dairy and obnoxious children

040. What is your biggest regret? Oh my… just one?

041. Have you ever had Jamba Juice? Of course

042. When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt? Hmmm… Sadly I can’t remember.

043. What movies do you know every line to? Lion King, Finding Nemo, Dirty Dancing, Top Gun

044. Do you own any band t-shirts? The Go-Go’s!

045. What is your favorite candle scent? Vanilla

046. How many aunts and uncles do you have? 3 Aunts and 1 Uncle on my mom’s side (I think I have 1 Aunt and 1 Uncle left on my father’s side but not sure)

047. When was your last plane ride? August 28th – home from Vegas!

048. Do you crack your knuckles? Yes – so bad!

049. How many chairs are at your dining room table? 2

050. What is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch – but I try to deny that urge and order balsamic vinegar only

051. Do you read for fun? Avidly.

052. Can you speak any languages other than English? Not fluently any more… Just a couple words here and there of Spanish. Some Hungarian.

053. Where is your cell phone? Right next to me – I just programmed in a friend’s number

054. Do you do your own dishes? Sadly yes – no dishwasher!

055. What color is your bedroom painted? White – it’s a rental

056. Are your parents divorced? Yes – since I was 2

057. Have you ever cried in public? Yes – I HATE that!

059. Which do you make Love or War? LOL – love I guess…

060. Are you always trying to learn new things? Absolutely

061. What messenger programs do you have? Google talk

062. Do you shower on a daily basis? Is this a real question?

063. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Yes – I’m currently deciding which of 2 new ones I want to get first

064. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? I believe whoever does the inviting should pay

065. Can you skip rocks? I think so – but I haven’t tried in a dozen years or more

067. Have you ever been to Jamaica? no

068. What do you snack on in the movies? nothing

069. Who was your favorite teacher? Dr. Carper – 8th grade

070. Have you ever dated someone out of your race? Yes

071. What is the weather like? Sunny and warm

072. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? Covered? No. With tattoos? Yes.

073. Do you have an online journal? You’re reading it!

074. Did you ever play Capture the Flag in school? Yes

075. What was your favorite class in high school? Western Civ

076. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Tummy

077. What personality trait is a must have in the preferred sex? Sense of humor

078. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? How would I know if I’m attracted to them?

079. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Hmmm… Within the last year I’m sure…

080. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Dirty martini, extra olives

081. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? I don’t know – I never asked

082. Do you like your living arrangement? I like the arrangement – not the apartment

083. Has anyone ever called you spoiled? My mother! But it’s her fault!

084. What is your mother and father’s hometowns? Hmm… My mom was born in Missouri but her hometown I would say is Bandon, OR. I have no idea about Jim.

085. Did you ever go to the same school as your parents? No.

086. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 7

087. How much is gas where you live right now? Like $2.89 or so…

088. What was the last thing to scare you? The starter on the Bronco not working properly

089. Do you own a PlayStation? No

090. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Once

092. What album did you buy last? Neil Young – “Living With War”

093. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Maybe 50?

094. Are your days full and fast-paced? For the most part

095. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? All the time

096. Is there carpet, wood or tile in the room you’re currently in? Carpet

097. Were you a “planned” child? I have no idea – again I never asked

098. What is your mom’s name? Melba

099. What is your dad’s name? Jim

100. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 28

Hung OVER

“Your boyfriend in an evil enabler.”

That was the first message I received upon logging in to my computer this morning.

Y’all. I LOVE my man.

You know it’s going to be a good night when the tequila shots start flowing at 6:30 pm. Then LawyerSean shows up with a 24 pack of cheap beer and he and TheBoy get started on that as I pour myself a glass of red wine left over from this weekend’s wedding wine tasting. Then BFL shows up with ANOTHER bottle of wine. There are more shots. More wine. I think I even drank a beer somewhere along the way. Good freaking times. I even managed to give myself a war wound in the form of a burn from the pot roast I made for dinner. Note to self: be careful when removing hot pans from oven while drunk.

On Tuesday I had a biopsy on my foot from the mosquito bites from hell that I got back in April that won’t go away. It’s awesome. I mean really… Y’all? Mosquito bites? Staph infection? Antibiotics that made me vomit? Twice? Steroids. Knee pain. Steroid shots in knee. Scars. Blood work. More blood work. X-Rays. Immune system in the crapper. And now just to add insult to injury I had a freaking piece of my flesh cut out of my foot! But they have no clue what’s wrong with me. Only that SOMETHING must be wrong because clearly I’m not healing and my immune system is shot.

Okay I’m done sounding bitter. Really. But wow. I’m a little overwhelmed with all this you know? I just keep reminding myself that it’s only 16 days until Cabo. I get my stitches out 4 days before we leave. I’m so ready for this…

16 days, 16 days, 16 days, 16 days…

No Fear?

Someone, a person much wiser than me, said to me recently that fear has no place in true love. They believe that in order to love someone, truly, you must abandon all thoughts of being hurt, of loss, and concentrate fully in the moment. You must give way to the emotions you are feeling without thinking of their consequence.

I think I’ve lost some of my ability to do this. Lately, in the last several days, weeks and months, I find myself loving a little more cautiously. I still love, with a depth of emotion that frightens me at times, and yet I find myself holding back, keeping one eye towards the future. And now that I’ve recognized it in myself? I still can’t seem to stop.

Because here’s the thing… It’s hard to give 100% of yourself to something if you don’t feel like you are getting 100% back. BFL says that in every relationship one person takes on the role of the Lover and one the Beloved. But what happens when the Lover wants to switch roles and become the Beloved?

Expressive

I have so much going on in my mind right now guys. I’ve started to write something here several times and it all seems so… hollow. It’s a fine line I walk between wanting to honestly share my feelings and express myself through my writing and yet wanting to hold something back. Once you say things you can’t take them back. That’s a lesson I’ve learned well over the years.

I’ll let y’all in on a little secret about me. I’m actually NOT all that good at expressing myself. Not in person anyway. Whenever there is a conversation about MY feelings or MY happiness I tend to avoid it like the plague. I’m so worried that I’ll say the wrong thing or come across in some negative way that I didn’t mean that I seem to choke over my own words. They never come.

I also cry during conversations that involve feelings. A LOT. Not because I’m being manipulative or whatever it is guys automatically think. Do guys actually think we LIKE sniveling and having runny noses? I think it totally undermines whatever point I’m trying to make AND it’s embarrassing. I hate it. I hate myself when I do it. But I can’t stop the tears from coming. It’s fucking annoying.

Why can’t we just write letters? Like people used to “in the good old days”? Writing gives me time to go back and re-think and re-work and edit to my little obsessive compulsive heart’s content. But who am I kidding? I can’t even bring myself to be 100% honest and open in my writing. Must I always hold something back?

Sorry for the rambling… if you want something lighter go here and check out the place we’ll be staying in Cabo. Pretty sweet no? Can’t wait! 21 days and counting…

What the heck?

So which is it?



or



All I know is... I apparently look much more manly with my hair up! :)

30 before the BIG 3 - 0

I sat down sometime after turning 20 and wrote a list of things I wanted to accomplish in the next decade. I then promptly lost that list. This is probably for the best as I'm sure I would have depressed myself to no end seeing how ambitious my 20 year old brain was. I'm almost certain it contained things like "graduate college" but also "go to law school" and most likely "get married".

I now present to you the NEW and IMPROVED "30 things to accomplish before 30" list. And only one of those things I mentioned above is still on this list. What can I say? I'm older, wiser and also much more realistic. I only have two and a half years to work with here people! Time to get cracking!

I'll check in and let y'all know when I accomplish stuff. Not that you care necessarily. But... You know, accountability and all that.

**********

1) Get another* tattoo (or two)

2) Hike Half Dome in Yosemite

3) Run another** half marathon (or three)

4) Learn to ride a bike (well)

5) Train for and complete a triathlon (should work on #4 first eh?)

6) Buy a house

7) Pay off soul-sucking debt

8) Decide what I want to be when I grow up - something that inspires me

9) Move out of the Bay Area

10) See a Broadway show - on Broadway***

11) Finish college (See? Still on the list!)

12) Volunteer for an organization I believe in

13) Get a dog

14) Learn to play tennis

15) Finally learn to line dance****

16) Take salsa dancing lessons

17) Travel alone

18) Take my mom on a trip somewhere - just the two of us

19) See the Grand Canyon

20) Go white water rafting

21) Travel to Italy

22) Go to Oktoberfest in Germany

23) Take more***** culinary classes (I'm insatiable I tell you!)

24) Drive up the West Coast

25) Plan a trip away with my girls (no boys allowed!)

26) See Burney Falls

27) Go to the driving range

28) Go back to visit Texas

29) Swim with dolphins

30) Work on a political campaign (maybe my guy will win damn it!)


*Already have one. Would have been on the original list too so we could just call this one checked off but I want at least one more for sure so... It stays.

**Ran a half marathon last July. Also ran a full marathon in June of 2002 but don't think I'll do that again. Too much strain on the poor knees! Marathon running also would have been on the original list but I really want to do another half so again... It stays.

***I've seen loads of Broadway plays. But I want to go to the Great White Way. You know. Theater buff and all.

****I mean really. With lessons. Not just standing at the back of the dance floor staring at people's feet and trying not to get trampled.

*****I've taken classes at CCA through their weekend program and was accepted to the full time program which ideally I'd still LOVE to do but... Who knows. Right now I'd just settle for some more weekend or evening classes at Sur La Table or Williams Sonoma.

Everything

He said, “Meeting her changed my life. Made me a better person. A good person.”

“You weren’t a good person before?” Someone asked.

“No… It’s just that… Nothing was right before. Nothing fit. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. She changed everything for me. She’s my everything. She quite possibly saved my life.”

*****

The above conversation went on in that manner for several minutes. I wasn’t directly involved in it, instead I was chatting about college with TheBoy’s niece, but we both stopped to listen. By the time he finished, with a kiss to his wife, there wasn’t a dry female eye on the boat. As he was speaking I had to will myself not to look at TheBoy, certain I wouldn’t be able to keep the tears at bay, hating myself for the ache of longing that was spreading through my stomach.

I think all women want THAT kind of love. To think that they’ve made a significant impact on the lives of their man. To feel desired, wanted, needed. Important somehow. Like, if we were gone we’d be missed. It’s why we crave compliments. Why we’re constantly dissecting their actions for hidden meanings… We want to be someone's everything.

I’m of the school of thought that men are MUCH simpler than that. There are no hidden meanings behind their actions. They either do something or they don’t. Because they want to or they don’t. And lately? That thinking is making me sad.

Everything?