Well so much for happy-go-lucky, "I can't believe I feel this GOOD". I read this article the other day on CNN about how going through a divorce is like going through the grief process and I'm starting to think they were right. Apparently you can even go back to various stages of grief that you thought you were passed. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Well. Isn't that fun. Though I have been writing, trying to chronicle these feelings so I can see if/when I ever start making headway. The problem with that is I keep remembering little things and they in turn make me sad, upset and/or angry all over again even though some of these memories are literally 12 years old.
W. T. F?
Like the other night I was thinking about when we got engaged (which was like 5 1/2 years ago). I couldn't remember any of the positive spins I put on it at the time (sadly) and all I could think about was that I had to force TheEx (generic nickname I know but its more PC than I'd chose right now so cut me some slack) to even buy my ring, which I picked out myself being super cost conscious because the man couldn't be bothered to save for it or take part in the design. I mean I literally had to email him the link to the ring I decided on, go home, turn on his laptop, pull up the page and sit there and watch him order it. Kind of takes the surprise out of it right?
And then, on the day it came, I was still excited even after all the drama. I was STILL convinced that he'd discover marriage wasn't so terrible, that I could be a good wife, that we could be happy. And I KNEW he had the ring so I kept hinting that I wanted to see it (because I was nervous buying something like that over the Internet partially but mainly because engagement ring!) and he, I think jokingly, said something like "don't you want me to plan some romantic proposal?" To which I replied, "are you ever going to do that?" And he responded "no". Which I think at the time I figured I just knew him well enough that he wasn't the romantic planning kind of guy (no matter how much I begged for date nights - "too much work" according to him). So he handed me the ring in the kitchen on a random Friday night, 5 minutes before a friend of ours arrived to spend the weekend and we began painting the new house.
And STILL I was excited! I wanted to call my parents right away and I spent a few minutes squealing into the phone with my mom while TheEx hid silently in the kitchen, presumably opening beers for us to celebrate. When I finally got off the phone I asked if he wanted to call anyone. He didn't. Said he didn't see the rush in telling people right away - they'd all find out soon enough. Which, now in hindsight, is his exact same stance on our divorce. Why rush the filing and paperwork? Why the rush with moving out? It'll all happen soon enough right? Ugh. I just remember feeling so hurt that he didn't even want to share this news with anyone, no friend, no family member, no one. The most exciting and happiest (??) moment of our lives and he just had nothing to offer me. He didn't even want me to tell our friend who showed up a few minutes later. I wasn't wearing the ring (painting the house) so he figured why bother?
Maybe I should have known then.