Tuesday, February 28, 2006

True Love...

...is coming in at 6:45 am, covered in sweat and exhausted and having TheBoy pass me on the way to the bathroom, kiss me on the forhead and mumble "I'm so proud of you babe".

Because at the end of it all, that Boy gets me. He believes in me. And those are the things things that matter most.

Monday, February 27, 2006


I am not what I would call a jealous person. I always joke that I don’t have the time and energy to invest in being jealous. I always figured if someone was going to cheat, they would cheat regardless of whether or not I worried about it. I still think I’m right and I’ve been cheated on enough to know.

This is not to say that I have never felt jealousy. I’ve felt it – like an all consuming green wave of rage and frustration and sub-conscious realization that I’m being foolish. But I no longer think jealousy is just about cheating. In high school I was so jealous I couldn’t see straight of a friend who was more talented, more beautiful, more popular, kinder, smarter, and funnier than I ever could be. I’ve been jealous of people who have traveled more, of people who could write. I’ve envied other relationships, other careers, other families.

I never thought I’d be jealous of what came before me but I’m learning that I am. When you talk of the places you’ve been, of the places you want to take me to, I’m jealous that you’ve already been there, already have memories of these places with her. I feel like it makes me common, makes us common, that somewhere in your mind there are memories of that place in which both she and I appear.

The first time we went to the coast for the weekend… You took me to a B&B, we had dinner, I met some of your college friends. I wondered the whole night how many of your friends were comparing me to her, how many times you had sat in those same bars, with these same friends only it was her by your side. At dinner the waiter thought you looked familiar, you said that you had eaten there before. Before – with her. It took away some of the magic of that night for me.

I hate jealousy. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the person that I become when it takes over and all I can see is what I want. What I need. I can almost taste it. I know that all that matters is that you chose me. But it wasn’t a clear black and white choice. And that makes me not want to be with you. Because I hate feeling like I come second.

Let’s get out of here. Get away where there are no memories of past loves. No past. Just you and just me, forging a future of just us. I want to discover things for the first time with you by my side and know that you’re experiencing them the same way. I want to make this work, make us work, and I’m struggling within the confines of what you will allow. To find a place for me. A place for just us. Alone.

Just for the record, I realize that I am being irrational. I don’t care.

Donner Party 2006


So you born and bread California types might not believe this but… I had only a passing knowledge of who the Donner party* was or what happened to them. It’s not exactly “news” in other parts of the country. You know. But I did have some idea that they were either from or settled near Donner Lake. And also that there was cannibalism, I’m not sure why.**

TheBoy and I trekked up to Michele’s cabin at Donner Lake this past weekend with Michele, Cate and Shawn. Much fun was had by all. One of the activities of the weekend was a trip to the Donner museum. Seeing that exhibit really made me reflective on how much the human spirit (and body!) can really endure. TheBoy and I were STILL talking about it on the way home last night.

Also, the five of us went ice skating at the top of Squaw Valley Ski Resort. Seriously the most expensive ice skating ever because you have to take the gondola tram thing up to the top first but… The view! SO fun! And ice skating outside is just more fun than going round and round in some sort of pseudo-gymnasium thing. Somehow a full on snowball fight got started in which Ryan made a new girlfriend. Seriously! I was getting worried y’all. Except she was like 10. You know.

Other than that the weekend was spent eating and drinking and playing many rounds of Jenga. Who’s idea was it that the person who knocked over the stack had to take a shot? I think we need to examine that logic! And since all of my friends are closet gourmet chefs – and Michele is no exception – the food was excellent! Although, I don’t think she was as worried as I am about the size of my ass… But whatever. So good! And calories don’t count on vacation do they? This was technically a vacation.

AND I took pictures! Yay me! I unfortunately forgot to bring the cable with me to work today so I can’t SHOW you any of the pictures but… I have them! Lots of them! I promise I will try to remember the cable for tomorrow. Good times y’all.

*For those of you other non-California types you can read about the Donner party here.

**Why I knew about the cannibalism, not why they resorted to cannibalism.

Friday, February 24, 2006

A good day

I am in a goofy mood. I have this song in my head. I don’t know why.

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God
I don't know but today seems kinda odd
No barking from the dog, no smog
And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog
I got my grub on, but didn't pig out
Finally got a call from a girl wanna dig out
Hooked it up for later as I hit the do'
Thinking will i live, another twenty-fo'
I gotta go cause I got me a drop top
And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop
Had to stop at a red light
Looking in my mirror not a jacker in sight
And everything is alright
I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night
Called up the homies and I'm askin y'all
Which park, are y'all playin basketball?
Get me on the court and I'm trouble
Last week fucked around and got a triple double
Freaking niggaz every way like M.J.
I can't believe, today was a good day

Drove to the pad and hit the showers
Didn't even get no static from the cowards
Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me
Saw the police and they rolled right past me
No flexin, didn't even look in a niggaz direction
as I ran the intersection
Went to Short Dog's house, they was watchin YO! MTV Raps
What's the haps on the craps
Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em
Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em
With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven
Seven even back do' little Joe
I picked up the cash flow
Then we played bones, and I'm yellin domino
Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A.
Today was a good day

Left my niggaz house paid
Picked up a girl been tryin to fuck since the twelve grade
It's ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic
The Lakers beat the Supersonics
I felt on the big fat fanny
Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny
And my dick runs deep, so deep, so deep
put her ass to sleep
Woke her up around one
she didn't hesitate, to call Ice Cube the top gun
Drove her to the pad and I'm coasting
Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion
I was glad everything had worked out
Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out
Today was like one of those fly dreams
Didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams
No helicopter looking for a murder
Two in the morning got the Fatburger
Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp
And it read Ice Cube's a pimp
Drunk as hell but no throwing up
Half way home and my pager still blowing up
Today I didn't even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day.

I love me some Ice Cube. What can I say? This reminds me of that Friday movie…

Okay I’m done now.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


I am not a patient person. The last few days have been just insanely busy but right now? Right now I'm waiting for something. Something that once it comes will cause hell to break loose all over again and keep me running for the remainder of the day.

I hate to wait.

So while I've been sitting here looking at ideas for engagement parties and photo upon photo of wedding dresses and engagement dresses I've also been filling out this little survey that I picked up somewhere.

Aren't y'all thrilled?!?!


1. Ever been given a ring?

Yes – but I gave it right back!

2. Longest Relationship?

I’m in it! 4 years and 8 months.

3. Last gift you received:

TheBoy planning an entire date evening for our “faux” Valentine’s Day.

4. How many times have you dropped your cell?

68,413 roughly.

5. Last time you worked out?

Ha! Um… I’m embarrassed to admit this! Sunday.

6. Thing(s) you spend a lot of money on?

Food and Wine. Seriously! I keep a detailed budget – I know where my money goes!

7. Last food you ate?

Leftover pasta from last night’s dinner.

8. First thing you notice about the opposite sex?


9. One favorite song:

Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

10. Where do you live?

Silicon Valley – but maybe not for long!

11. High school you attended?

Menlo-Atherton High School

12. Cell phone service provider?


13. Favorite mall store:

Ann Taylor Loft

14. Longest Job held:

Ha! This is funny! And kind of sad actually… Sales Girl / Asst. Manager / Custome Printing Specialist for Papyrus. I worked there for 3 years. In high school y’all!

15. Do you own a pair of dice?

Actually no. Unless the one in my Cranium game counts?

16. Do you prank call people?

17. Last wedding attended?

Sean and Jen’s

18. First person you'd call if you won the lottery?

My mom. And then probably not anyone else.

19. Last time you attended church:

I just was talking about this – Fall of 1997.

20. Favorite fast food restaurant:

I like the baked potato and side salad at Wendy’s. But TheBoy is positively addicted to Taco Bell so we eat that MUCH more often.

21. Biggest lie you have heard?

I don’t know. People lie all the time but nothing sticks out as a BIG lie.

22. Where do you work?

At a bank.

23. Where's your favorite place to eat with friends?

At one of our homes – with my friends the food is better than most restaurants and you can’t beat the relaxed atmosphere. Or the service!

24. Can you cook?

Yes I can.

25. What car do you drive?

2000 Z24 Chevy Cavalier Convertible

26. Best kisser?

Am I supposed to name the person here that is the best kisser I’ve kissed? I think I’d be in trouble if I said anyone other than TheBoy. Also, see #2 above – I can’t remember anyone else’s kisses!

27. Last time you cried?

Valentine’s Day

28. Most disliked food:

Fois Gras

29. Thing you like most about yourself:

My easy going attitude

30. Thing you dislike most about yourself:

About 9 Billion other things!

31. Person you want to do in a bad way?

LOL – Can we reflect for a moment on the use of the word “do” to imply sex? Okay – I’m done. TheBoy, of course!

32. Longest shift you have worked at a job?

15 hours.

33. What movie is your favorite?

Gone With the Wind.

34. Can you sing?

Not anymore.

35. Last concert attended?

Brooks and Dunn with Big and Rich

36. Last movie rented?

40 Year Old Virgin just came on Netflix

37. Favorite Alcoholic drink?


38. Thing you never leave home without?


39. Favorite vacation spot?

Anyplace warm and sunny with a body of water near by.

Anger Management

“Tiffany has issues with anger.”

That statement came home with me from school every time there was a progress report. Anger Issues. I’ve been told it by every medical professional and guidance counselor I’ve ever been to. I bet those of you who know me are saying, “You never seem angry!” And you’re right. I’m not ever angry – at you. But some days (or if I’m being honest, MOST days) I really hate myself. Does anyone else go through this? I mean real true anger, almost rage, directed internally?

I’m not talking about the “gosh, I’m fat today” or “why can’t I be more motivated” little annoyances we feel towards ourselves from time to time. I’m as guilty as the next girl of having pizza for dinner and then being angry with myself for doing it, or of sleeping in instead of getting up and then being annoyed all day that I didn’t get a work out in. I think those things are normal. It’s conscience. It’s self-preservation. It makes us order vegetables with dinner and wake up early for the gym on other days.

Sometimes people notice it. TheBoy sometimes notices it. And being the good boyfriend that he is, he wants to help. To fix it. To fix me. He’s positively certifiable if the thinks I will ever share with him all of the thoughts in my head. I mean really, why confuse him with the grey? Someone wiser than myself told me that men see mainly in black and white. Grey confuses them. Black and White. I’ll keep it black and white because otherwise he may learn that it’s actually me who is certifiable.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


I sat the other night looking through old pictures with a childhood friend (and positively glowing bride-to-be). We have spent the last 13, maybe 14, years as friends and so we have a lot of the same memories. It’s amazing looking back at some of those pictures how intensely I still feel the pains I felt then. In some of those pictures when I stare at the face of the younger me I can even see it. The hurt, the embarrassment… It’s something in the eyes I think. Or perhaps the not quite genuine smile.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about going back to church. I miss it. I miss the fellowship, I miss the guidance, I miss the support. The most logical choice would be to go back to the church I called home so many years ago. The church I haven’t set foot into except maybe a dozen times in the last 10 years. I still have some friends there and it would be easy to let myself fall back into that. However, I clearly still have some unresolved issues with that place! When I think about going there, and seeing the people I used to know, it’s like the last 10 years haven’t happened and I’m still that miserable little girl I was. And I like who I am now. I’m proud of what I’ve become. How can a few photos, a few memories, cause that to feel null and void.

Also, my feelings about church have changed. My feelings about God are exactly the same if not better formed now than they were then. I mean, obviously I’m an adult now and am more aware of the decisions I make. My feelings about church and the rules and “truths” that I’m expected to abide by and believe wholeheartedly have changed. It’s true I’m no conservative, so you can only imagine the potential butting of heads. I suppose I could just keep quiet… Plead ignorance on subjects such as same sex marriage, a woman’s right to chose, while quietly supporting the causes I believe in wholeheartedly. And yet, let’s be honest… When have I EVER been able to keep my mouth shut?? And why would I want to?

Friday, February 17, 2006

Why I am stupid. And also YAY! It's Friday!

I think I maybe should have stayed in bed this morning! So first there was the whole thing this morning – which I’m not even going to pretend is hypothetical anymore – which makes me so sad coming on the heels of the wonderful, fantastic, amazing faux V-Day evening that TheBoy and I have had in years. Years! Seriously. I haven’t posted about it because… I can’t seem to get down on paper how much it meant to me that he planned something so thoughtful.

Then, I noticed I was low on gas last night but I figured I’d stop this morning when I had TheBoy with me (I don’t like to stop at gas stations by myself – it’s weird I know). But he wanted to drive seperately at the last minute and so I forgot. It happens. I forgot all the way until I felt my car studdering as I was parking for work this morning. Yay me! Luckily there is a gas station not too far from here but I am going to have to do some serious sweet talking to get someone to help me push the car there.

Also, they were totally out of soy milk at the coffee shop this morning! So rude! And since I wasn’t in the mood to deal with a stomach ache I’ve been drinking just regular office sludge all morning. Which is probably going to give me a stomach ache anyway!


Normally those things would just make me laugh because, well really I run out of gas more than anyone I’ve ever met. AND I have an idiot light! How lame is that?!?! I seriously need to get over my fear of going to the gas station alone. Have y’all ever seen that e-mail about how come it’s better to be a guy than a girl? One of the things listed is that guys never have to drive around looking for a different gas station because this one is just too icky. That is so me y’all!

Anywho, I’m totally looking forward to this weekend. A little working out, a little reading, a little cleaning the house, some helping TheBoy work on his car (which I love because he’s never really asked me to do anything other than sit in the car and turn the key when he yells before!) and some much needed time with the girls on Sunday night.

And because I hate sounding bitter and crap because that is so not me and goes against my whole New Year’s resolution to be the most positive and enthusiastic person I know… Here’s a little tid bit to make y’all laugh.


50 Things youd like to Know about Me but Never Thought to Ask!

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Sadly no. Though sometimes the bouncers at clubs get a little over zealous… Has anyone else noticed that?

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
No way! Eyes open, arms above the head and HUGE smile on my face!

3. When was the last time you went sleigh riding?
Tiffy doesn’t do snow.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
With someone. I can’t sleep alone anymore. I get cold!

5. Do you believe in Ghosts?
Not so much.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
In some aspects yes.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Jennifer Aniston

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics?
Yes but I wish I knew more. I hate being uninformed! But I can’t seem to fit political research into my to do list most days!

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes I do.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Lord no.

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
Nope that’s what TheBoy is for!

13. Have you ever cheated on a test?
Nope – I’m a good girl that studies.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around. Do you go through red lights?
Never! I have the WORST luck for stuff like that.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
SF Giants baby!

17. Have you ever Ice Skated?
Yep yep.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Almost always. Not that I ever know how to interpret them!

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
Sadly, I can’t remember… I think Liz was there though.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Of course! Hard Days Night, Hey Jude, Penny Lane, Let It be, Please Please Me

21. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No – LUST at first sight maybe

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
Of course

24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Always! Thanks Mama for ingraining that habit in at an early age!

25. What talent do you wish you had?
Hmm… Reading minds maybe?

26. Do you like Sushi?
Mmmmm… Sushi!

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Well I was in a pretty horrific car accident once but I don’t know if I would call it possibly fatal…

28. What do you wear to bed?
Depends, sometimes tanks and Pj bottoms, some times nighties, but I never go naked much to TheBoy’s dismay – I get too cold!

29. Have you ever been caught stealing?

30. Does size matter
Yep. But only if you’re REALLY small or REALLY large. Someone had to be honest here!

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
Only myself sometimes.

32. Rock and Roll or Rap?
Rock and Roll.

34. Do you have a relative in prison?
Nope. Not at the moment anyway.

35. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
Is that bad? Doesn’t everyone do that?

36. Do you know how to play chess?
Yep – I’m just learning now actually. Shot glass chess is MUCH more fun!

37. What food do you find disgusting?
Fois Gras.

38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?
I don’t remember. Probably.

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yeah - I’m like that. Though I’ve been told to mind my own business a bunch also.

41. Have you ever been punched in the face?

42. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
Ummm… Gosh. It must have been awhile!

43. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
Yes. I hate scary movies and I went with a friend and her BF to see Scream in the theaters in HS. You know the first scene with Drew Barrymore? I walked out. Spent about 30 minutes on the phone with my BF before my friend came out to get me saying that was the only scary part.

44. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it got?
LOL – yes. Good Company comes to mind.

45. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone?
I’m obsessed with food. And exercizing. And my weight.

46. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet?
That I really wanted to meet? No. But I’ve met a couple famous people. Sinbad was at Shasta once and John Madden came to TheBoy’s sister’s restaurant opening.

47. Have you ever been stood up?
Sadly yes.

48. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
I’m sure TheBoy has snuck up on me and scared me once or twice recently.

49. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, but did anyways just to fit in?
It’s called High School y’all.

Umm… Mary? Shawn?

Lessons Learned

And this is why I never speak to people about my relationship, even though it sucks to keep everything bottled inside which leads to mas introspection and sometimes heavy drinking. Because when you break that rule that you made for yourself and you maybe start letting a few things out – to get an outside opinion or just to vent – you open yourself to the possibility that someone (good hearted and well meaning as they may be) will say something alluding to what you’ve said to your significant other over drinks one night.*

Said significant other may think nothing of the comment at the time but then, after you’ve left the bar and gone to bed, they’ve had time to think about it and turn it over in their head and come up with possible meanings and blow the whole thing out of proportion. And the above scenario may or may not have the power to ruin your whole morning and quite possibly your day.

So the moral to this story? It’s just like my mom always said… If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

*Totally hypothetically. Of course.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Open letter to the people in my Yoga class

Dear fellow Yogins and Yoginis*,

I realize that I am a recent addition to your class. I’m a little late in jumping on the whole Yoga bandwagon but I truly have come to appreciate the strength and flexibility Yoga provides. Also, the calmative effects of a class aren’t too shabby either. It is because of my newness to this activity that I have hesitated in mentioning what I’m about to, however, I can not possibly go on in silence any longer.

People. Let’s talk about grooming. Since Yoga is a sport one participates in barefoot let’s discuss a few ground rules. Feet should be clean. I’m not talking full pedicure with polished toes clean (men, please do not polish your toes), I just should not be able to see the dirt between your toes and under your toenails from my mat roughly 4 feet away. While upside down.

Also, please clip your toenails to a reasonable length. Just a general rule of thumb, if they puncture your mat while you are standing in tree? That’s too long. I realize that people get calluses on the bottoms of their feet. I do. I wear ridiculously uncomfortable (but CUTE!) shoes almost everyday and therefore have had my share of calluses. PLEASE refrain from picking at your calluses during class. The sound you make while trying to pry the roughened skin off your heel with your fingernails is seriously distracting.

Now let’s talk about proper attire. During the course of a class it’s entirely possible that we will be hanging upside down, lying with our legs and or butts in the air and twisted into pretzel-like shapes. If we’re lucky it’ll be a good combination of the three. Given that, please be sure that whatever clothing you shoes to wear to class allows for you to remain decent in any position. Ladies: loose fitting tank tops with no bra? NO! Men: running shorts with a sheer built-in underwear thing (or better yet – NO underwear thing)? Double NO! Please y’all, it is not good for my serenity to look over to see your saggy boobs or hairy nut sack.

And last, but not least, I know that some of us work out before we come to Yoga. Hell class doesn’t start until 7:30 – I might as well get a run in right? However, if you have worked out so hard that you have sweat through not one but three layers of gym clothes and you have trouble standing in poses because you are too slippery with sweat you might want to consider wiping down before class. Maybe another set of clothes? Sitting around in wet clothes can’t be warm. Or comfortable. Also, I hear they have these things in the locker room called showers. I’m just saying.


A novice Yogini
(who maybe has a few OCD issues)

*Yes I totally looked up the term for students studying Yoga. Shut up!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Viva Las Vegas

Forgive the blog silence but I think I might be just now getting over my hang over from this weekend. So yeah. Of course I don’t have the cord thingy to my camera today so I can’t post any pictures but here is my brief (ha!) weekend update.

71/2 hours driven Friday night to Vegas
1 trip to the grocery store to stock the fridge with booze and food
3 rounds of King’s Cup played in hotel room until 4:30 am
22 hours I was awake in a row y’all!
1 trip to Fremont Street on Saturday
1 yard sized hurricane drank by yours truly
1 lazer light show finally seen by TheBoy on his 3rd trip to Vegas
1 totally awesome dueling pianos show – but y’all know that IS my favorite!
1 trip to the Sahara to see the Nascar exhibit
1 time TheBoy did the virtual race thing
1 time we rode the roller coaster
50 hot wings ordered at Hooters (1/2 911 and ½ 3 mile island – the two hottest sauces)
2 pitchers of beer drank (one each) by TheBoy and German – with a straw
1 totally awesome discovery of Kahunaville at Treasure Island
1 time I forgot my ID at the room and had to pay $50 for a round trip cab ride to go get it
63 roughly the number of songs I shook my ass to on the dance floor
1 walk over to a club called The Beach which sucked
1 cab ride back to Kahunaville where we partied all night long
2 new “friends” made at Kahunaville
1 time Catherine had to go topless in the ladies while I sewed her top
1 after party bar went to with new “friends”
17 number of blisters I have from dancing!
3 days my neck has been sore from the roller coaster and rock star dance moves
11 hours driven home on Monday (took longer due to hang over)

Okay that’s about all I can remember for now – I’ll post pics soon.

Of course the most EXCITING news of the weekend was the, not one but, TWO engagements announced by friends of Tiffy! A huge heartfelt congratulation goes out to Michele and John who got engaged on Saturday and to Angie and Erik who got engaged on Monday!

Love you guys!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The One.

I was having a conversation today in the lunch room with a newly married co-worker. I was trying to make small talk as we both went around the early morning tasks of facing another day at work. Putting our lunches in the fridge, coffee for her (tons of those mini-moos creamers), green tea for me. I asked her how the married life was going – half tongue in cheek because while they’ve only been MARRIED for a month or so, they’ve been a couple for 4 years. “It’s easy because he’s THE ONE”, she said.

This of course got me thinking about my own relationship and this “ONE” status that everyone always speaks of. Because let’s face it, these days I find myself contemplating my relationship and it’s future WAY more than is healthy. Or necessary. I blame time.

Now I’m not sure I believe in a "THE ONE", as in one person out there for each of us. I’ve known too many widows finding happiness in a second marriage, seen too many couples who seemed “perfect for each other” and “meant to be” torn apart by circumstance and change. However, when I think of TheBoy I do occasionally think of him as "THE ONE". As in the one that I chose right now.

The one that if I were to tie myself down tomorrow, and buy a hideous white dress, and change my last name, and open joint banking accounts with, I would chose. The one that if I did, by some miracle of God, develop a maternal instinct over night I would chose to hold my hair through morning sickness and wait with me in cold hospital rooms while a doctor searches for a tiny heartbeat. I’d want them (these hypothetical offspring) to have his eyes, his smile, and his knack for all things mechanical or engineering related. I think those things would mesh nicely with my freckles and adventurous spirit.

The one I would have by my side if my world turned upside down. The one who understands how awkward and alone I feel in certain situations and instinctively doesn’t leave my side. The one I would follow my dream with and leave everything I know behind and move thousands of miles away to satisfy a desire I’ve had since childhood. The one I would visit new places with, try new foods, new wines, jump off bridges into freezing rivers and stand out in the rain with just to remember how it feels.

But there’s a flip side to this isn’t there? He’s also the one who makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and hide when the topic of our future comes up. Literally makes me have to will myself not to vomit when he so casually dismisses the notions of happiness and forever that I’ve cherished since I was a little girl. The one who can bring the tears, the feelings of inadequacy, of desperation, just as quickly as the smiles and the overwhelming feelings of passion, of tenderness, of love.

Because through all the happiness and fun vacations and easy Saturday mornings and laughter there is still jobs and families and housing and bills to pay and every day mundane taking each other for granted and DAMN IT no one told me this was so complicated.


I wrote the above entry months ago. Before the holidays. I never posted it because… Well, I’m just not that girl. You know the girl who talks about her relationships and analyzes them with her friends. I always marveled at women who bitch non stop about their significant other and then get angry with their girlfriends when they don’t like the guy. That and I am a big proponent of working things out myself. I figure this relationship is about us, as in me and him, and too much outside influence clouds judgment.

But this whole “the one” thing came up recently with yet another friend and I got to thinking and I pulled up this old entry. I’m amazed by two things. One is that I ever even let myself think (much less write) the things I did above. Totally out of character for me! The second thing that surprises me is that I wrote this post in a fit of negativity and yet, re-reading it now after the initial crisis has faded it’s fury a bit and I’ve had many more days of sunshine and laughter than sadness and bitter introspection, I realize that it’s actually a positive reflection of the relationship I have with TheBoy.

Because I think the counter balance, his yin to my yang, the ups, the downs and the ways that we can push each others buttons, is a testament to our feelings for each other. It shows the level of devotion we have to each other. The strength of our bond. And yes, we have some things to work out. There are differences. But they aren’t insurmountable differences. I guess the fact that we’re both still here, committed and working diligently towards a common future (regardless of what that future may hold), means that we may actually be each other’s “ONE” after all.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Walking on Sunshine*

I am having a good day. No, I’m having a GREAT day! I have no idea why. I don’t know who or what caused it… It’s just one of those days you know? Hell I even got a parking ticket this morning and it hasn’t dampened my mood!

Maybe it’s a combination of things. Like the awesome 70+ degree weather outside? Or the fact that I am wearing a dress today that I haven’t been able to zip up, much less breathe in, for over 2 years? Maybe it’s the excitement of my trip to Vegas in 3 days? Who knows.

But I certainly hope this lasts… I’m loving it!


I used to think maybe you loved me
now baby, I'm sure.
And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door.
Now every time I go for the mailbox
got to hold myself down.
'Cause I just can't wait
till you write me you're coming around.

Now I'm walking on sunshine
I'm walking on sunshine
I'm walking on sunshine
and don't it feel good?

I used to think maybe you loved me
now I know that it's true.
And I don't want to spend my whole life just a waiting for you.
Now I don't want you back for the weekend
not back for a day.
I said baby
I just want you back and I want you to stay.

I'm walking on sunshine
I'm walking on sunshine
And don't it feel good?

Walking on sunshine - walking on sunshine.
I feel alive
I feel in love
I feel a love that's really real.


*Because there is nothing like a little Katrina and the Waves to liven up your workday.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Habit Forming

By now y’all all know that I am anal retentive. And yet oddly enough, some of you are still reading this! So it’s probably no surprise that I have a palm pilot. And in my palm pilot I carefully plot out work out plans and meals and such. I also tally calories but that a whole separate post.

Yesterday’s calendar entry looked like this:

5:00 am – ½ Banana
5:30 am to 6:30 am – Boot Camp
6:30 am – ½ Banana
10:00 am – NF Yogurt
12:00 pm to 1:00 pm – Lunch with Mom
12:00 pm – Grilled Eggplant and Red Pepper Sandwich
2:00 pm – Orange
4:30 pm – Go to Sees
6:00 pm – Go to Gym
8:00 pm – Turkey and Black Bean Enchiladas

Okay I think I just scared myself.

But wait there was a point to this… Oh right. So given the extremely AR scheduling above you can imagine how not amused I am when something happens to throw off my schedule. It completely derails my train if you will.

Take yesterday. I should have left work at 4:30, picked up TheBoy at 4:45, picked up the items I needed at Sees and been home in plenty of time to change and be at the gym by 6:00.

Shockingly, it didn’t quite go that way. I got off work a little after 5:30 and when I went to go pick up TheBoy he was at the pub with a friend we haven’t seen in awhile (the one that introduced us in fact). Of course I had to stay for a pint. I might have had two. TheBoy had like 5. On our way home, because I had completely abandoned any idea of going to Sees, TheBoy did some drunk dialing. Yes he did. Next thing I know we’re having a mini party at our place. On Monday night. Score!

Needless to say, I didn’t get the candy I needed and have added that to the to-do list for today, I didn’t go to the gym and I didn’t have the nutritious Turkey and Black bean enchiladas for dinner.

What I DID do is drink beer (bad), take shots of Apple Jack (worse), eat pot stickers and Top Ramen for dinner (worst) and generally just have a fabulous time. All because I had to work an hour late. See? Do you see what happens when you mess with the schedule? I’m just saying…

Oh and there might have been Twister involved. Because that’s the way we roll over at ChezGhetto y’all.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Resolution Update

February 2nd. So it’s been 32 days since the New Year. Now normally I would have already forgotten what my New Year’s resolutions were by now. But this year? I have a blog! And I posted them here for all the world* to see, hoping that it would keep me accountable and stuff.

Not to say that I actually remembered all of my resolutions… But I did remember the general gist of them and I have been working on them. So I went back this morning to check to see what I actually wrote and I’m pleased to say I’m making progress! Yay me!

And now I’m going to share my progress with all of you whether you care or not because in March I’ll look back and be able to see the progress I made in February. Because after all I figure I’m the main reader of this blog anyway… It’s all about me baby!

~ Working out and losing 12 pounds.
Well first of all I actually bit the bullet and got my ass on the scale to see what kind of damage I’d done during the holidays and realized that it’s actually more like 18 pounds left to lose. Disappointing but… Still totally doable. I just keep reminding myself how far I’ve come already. Plus it’s better for me if I’m realistic with myself.

As for the working out bit, I have actually made huge amounts of progress. I signed back up for Boot Camp. Can you believe I actually missed it? Crazy. Also, I’ve been working out at the gym at least 3 times a week (usually more) AND I’ve started taking yoga classes. LOVE yoga y’all! Seriously, if I could be that relaxed all the time? Awesome. Also, it’s nice because I’m already starting to see the benefits of it in my flexibility and balance. Y’all know I needed the help in the balance area – total klutz over here!

~ Enter / compete in a couple 10K and/or ½ marathons.
It’s not the racing season yet so I have some time on this one.

~ Sensible eating plan.
Check. I would say I’ve been very good at following the plan from the nutritionist over the last month. Sure I’ve given myself a couple of treats here and there but… A girl has to live right? It’s been strange incorporating more carbs into my diet though. I totally bought into that “carbs are evil” trend a few years back and even now that I know better I still feel guilty!

~ Enroll in school.
This is a post unto itself. Let’s just say this one is not going so well.

~ Become debt free. Stick to budget. Limit frivolous purchases. Bring lunch from home.
I’m feeling pretty good about my start to this one. I cut up both of my credit cards (though I did get a new AmEx in the mail the next day, which I took as a sign that I should maybe have that one for a rainy day) and haven’t really bought anything frivolous. Well except plane tickets to Maui. But y’all know. That was for my sanity! And I’m very good about bringing my lunch from home.

~ Limit alcoholic consumption.
Bwaaaaaaaah Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Whew! Yeah. I forgot I even put that on there. Whooooo! That was good for a laugh!

~ Be positive and enthusiastic.
Check. I’m definitely feeling the positive outlook on life these days.

~ Regular sleep schedule.
Odd how waking up at 5 am for boot camp sort of forces you in to a regular sleep pattern. Well by “regular” I mean regular for me. I try to be in bed by 9:30 or 10:00 on weeknights. Whether or not I am sleeping depends on the night. But at least I’m making an effort!

~ Resist urge to cut hair.
Check. So far so good. Though is it bad that I’ve worn some form of a pony tail to work every day this week?

~ Not take friends and family for granted – show them how much they mean to me.
Hmmm… Not sure I can really say how I’ve done on this one. I mean I’ve been trying to do it sure. But as to whether or not my friends and family are feeling loved and appreciated I can’t say.

~ Spend more time with my mother.
DOH! I’m calling that woman today and putting something in the calendar. I am a bad daughter!

~ Be in better contact with friends.
Right. (she types with one hand as she furiously adds names to her to–do list for today) Does it count for anything that I’ve been thinking about people I need to e-mail or call? No? Okay well check with my next month – I’m definitely going to work on this one.

~ Try two new things.
Hmmm… I suppose I should start thinking about which new things I want to try huh? Again, check with me in March.

*all 4 of you

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

All the cool kids are doing it!

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.