Friday, September 29, 2006
No matter which way your political sympathies lie, PLEASE educate yourselves as to what is happening in your world, in YOUR country. My biggest fear is that so many people claim they “don’t have the time” to educate themselves about what is happening in the political arena… I’d hate to have people wake up one morning and realize we’re living in Nazi Germany.
"If we sit by complacently and watch our rights erode, it won't be long until don't have any"*
Here is the full text of the “Military Commissions ACT of 2006” or the Detainee Bill that has been voted through by Congress. Read it for yourselves.
*I can’t recall where I read that quote – because I’ve been doing a LOT of reading over the past 24 hours – so to whomever, wherever, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A couple of weeks ago after the biopsy, in which the doctor cut a hole in my foot, I was having just one of those days. Ladies, you know what I mean… I was just starting to feel like maybe the universe should put down the ugly stick it’s been beating me with for the past several weeks. Take for example:
1) I am in desperate need of a haircut but my stylist says it’s pointless to do anything before Cabo because the salt water and chlorine will ruin it.
2) All of my nails have been breaking like crazy. I think this might be another joyous effect of whatever infection is currently running rampant in my system. Being able to grow strong and healthy nails has always been a point of pride for me.
3) I have not been to the gym in WEEKS. Because I have a HOLE in my FOOT. Have I mentioned that before?
4) Also, let’s not forget that I have some serious purple scarring going on all over my feet and legs. AND? Now I have mysterious bumps showing up, not only in the scars but also in places that I previously had no bite! Is this fair?
So, as I sat at my desk at work, having my own little pity party (table for 1) I decided that at the very least I could have cute hands. So I took my scraggly haired, plague having, limping fat ass down to the nail salon closest to my office and bought a set of nails. Oh yes I did. And I love them – click clickity click.
So that was 2 weeks ago and I wanted to get a fill before I left for Cabo. Cute hands in Cabo – check! Scary plague rash on legs under sundress – check! check! Anywho, I was going to try to find a cheaper place to go (as downtown is quite expensive) but in the interest of saving time I went ahead and made an appointment at the salon with the girl who did the original set. When I got there she was “at lunch” (?) even though I had an appointment so another girl was going to work on me.
I sat down in the chair and explained what I wanted (fill, shorten to length of my nails, very thin) and then started zoning out to all the other things I have to do before I leave. However, I was drug back from la la land by the SEARING PAIN in my fingers! Seriously, this girl had a dremmel tool sander thing and she was going to use it! It felt like every nerve in the tip of my fingers was on fire. I literally had to close my eyes and breathe deep to get through it. I tried a couple times to explain the agony but she just kind of giggled and offered some encouragement (so pretty!).
It’s a shame really because at the end when I finally became brave enough to open my eyes, where I was expecting to see bloody stumps, sat what is probably the best fill I’ve ever had. No pain no gain? Even so I think I’ll take my chances with a new salon next time! My fingers are STILL tender in some places! But I have pretty bought and paid for nails. A girl’s got to have something.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I’m anal retentive and a neat freak. My closets are organized not only by article of clothing (tops, pants, skirts, dresses) but also by sleeve length or hem length and then by color. My CDs and movies are alphabetized. I do not understand how people can ever find the CD they are looking for if they are NOT alphabetized. A couple times a year I go through and throw away food and condiments in my kitchen that are close the expiration date or have been open “too long”. The definition of “too long” varies by which germaphobic moment I’m having that day.
I cry at movies. My friends mock me for it but I’ve caught a few of them doing it too. Don’t ask why I’m the one who gets the label of “the crier”. I also cry when I’m angry, frustrated, tired or in pain. I cry a lot. Coincidentally I HATE crying. Especially when I’m angry (talk about undermining your position in an argument!), frustrated (usually I end up more frustrated with myself than what I was originally frustrated about), tired or in pain (I try to be in denial about both).
I can not go on vacation, even for a weekend, unless the house is clean. This adds lots of pre-vacation stress but I hate coming home from a relaxing time away to a messy house. It will totally negate any fun I had. Seriously. I wish I could make it so that I couldn’t go to bed at night without certain things being done. When I get tired, I am T-I-R-E-D. I can fall asleep almost anywhere and in the most amazing positions. I blame this amazing “insta-sleepy” on my inability to remember to take off my make-up before bed.
In my lifetime I have dreamed of being all of the following things: a Broadway dancer / singer / actress, a writer, an animal trainer, a missionary, a chef / restaurant owner, a social services worker, a paralegal, an attorney, a real estate agent, a caterer and most recently an event planner / wedding coordinator. Notice never once did I mention or dream of my current position… I think that is a sign.
When I was a Junior High School I told my friend Shawn that I wanted to have “enough children to have my own mini-football team.” Heh. I’ve since come to my senses and realized that I have neither the patience nor the resources for such an endeavor. I also do not have the desire. But lately? I have been thinking very small and very quiet thoughts that maybe, just maybe, I might want one.* I promptly drown that voice with another dirty martini. Let’s see if that inner monologue bitch can swim!
I have been told that I am hard to get to know. I will admit to being a little guarded. I have a busy life and I’m not about making friends just so I can say I have 50 bajillion friends. Impress me. Intrigue me. Make me laugh. But I am fiercely loyal to the friends I do have. I believe in friends for life, making it work. I would do just about anything for a select handful of people. I think they feel the same.
I love music – I feel and empathize with lyrics. I constantly have an internal soundtrack playing. When things happen to me I find songs that relate to get me through. Sometimes a song coming on the radio will take me back to a different time and place faster than if you’d brought it up specifically. There are songs I can not listen to for this reason.
I am obsessed with working out and counting calories. More than is probably healthy so I try to curb it. In the height of my MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT. frenzy I was working out with a boot camp program 5 days a week for an hour in the morning and then taking yoga 2 nights a week and on Sunday mornings PLUS fitting in 2 or 3 additional work outs during the week. It was excessive. Needless to say, this hole in my foot? Totally cramping my style!
I hate meeting new people. I hate calling people I don’t know REALLY well on the phone. I hate ordering take-out. I won’t use the bathroom of a restaurant I haven’t eaten at unless it is a DIRE emergency. I still feel the need to talk to my mother every few days to keep me grounded. I wish I had finished college when I had the chance. I am stubborn. I like rules. People don’t like to play games with me because I adhere to the rules so strictly. I’m the polar opposite of selfish. I wish sometimes that I could learn to be a little more selfish.
I read for fun. In school I used to look forward to getting homework. I’m a geek. I used to cross stitch and my grandmother once showed me how to crochet. Those are the limits of my creative talents. Knitting may be the new yoga but I’m pretty darn good at the old yoga so I’ll stick with it. I am sarcastic. I might drink too much sometimes. I am the queen of multi-tasking. I make lists. I love to cross things off a list.
*I totally blame Dooce. Seriously – read the archives of the newsletters that she writes to her daughter every month… Or maybe? Don’t. Look what it is doing to me!
Friday, September 22, 2006
Things that make me happy:
Itty bitty kitten faces.
Salons that serve wine.
Spending the weekend at the beach with my girls, celebrating Michele’s wedding in less than a month! I’m SO looking forward to relaxing and drinking wine and just hanging out with my friends.
Plans to see my mom next week. She’s been gone for over a month visiting my Aunt in Washington who recently had surgery. She’s a good sister but I’ve missed her!
8 DAYS TO CABO!!!
Things that make me unhappy:
Referrals that come by mail from a Doctor I’ve never seen, to Pathologist I’ve never seen, at Medical Center I’ve never been to, presumably resulting from a biopsy which still hurts, done by a Dermatologist who has never called me to let me know what the results were.
Mosquitoes swarming at my desk and the fact that the outside of my office building smells like piss. I think these things are related.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
As girls do, the conversation quickly turned to men, both Step-Sister and Good Friend are single and dating with new prospective love interests on the horizon. I love hearing all the new, first date jitters, the will he call, should I see him tonight, initial chemistry and attraction stories… It reminds me of when TheBoy and I first were dating.
And of course, no matter how hard I try for it not to, the conversation always turns to us, to me and TheBoy, our relationship check up if you will. But Step-Sister asked me something the other night that really made me stop and think, really THINK.
“What would you being doing differently now, if (TheBoy) weren’t in the picture?”
Maybe it was the martini I had while listening to the music and waiting for our table, maybe it was the glass of wine with dinner, or the two glasses afterwards… But for the first time I actually let myself think about the answers to this question.
Because really? What happily coupled person thinks about what their life would be like as a single? Isn’t that akin to waking up married but dreaming of divorce? It just seems like a bad idea to me – I’m committed to “us” so I make progress for “us” right? What’s this “me” stuff anyway.
But you know… I had some interesting realizations that night. About myself. About what I want for the future. And it wasn’t anything like what I thought they would be… It’s shocking for me to think too long about now, much less say aloud. I might even deny it in polite company. My friends would never in a million years believe me.
Is this what growing up is about? I stare at myself in the mirror in the mornings now and am not sure I recognize the woman I see reflected there.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
So I think every one is familiar with the feeling of déjà vu no? That sense that you’ve been somewhere, done, felt or said something, or even been in a situation before? I have that feeling ALL THE TIME. Seriously. Sometimes it’s so strong that it makes me physically ill – I once literally FELL OVER. Not kidding. But you know what the scary part is? Not that I’m having these silly déjà vu feelings but that I’m having them for situations I’ve experienced in DREAMS.
Please, pretty please? Don’t back away from the monitor and look at me like that!
And you know what the worst part is? Sometimes in my dream I’m experiencing not so happy things you know. Like, for example, breaking up with my boyfriend. And then now, when I experience these stupid déjà vu feelings from… say reading the side of a box of pasta, or having a chat exchange with a friend, or reading something on a blog… it brings back all those other devastating feelings!
Maybe I should lay off the sauce.
Monday, September 18, 2006
001. What is the best way to get over someone? Stay busy
002. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? Mascara and chapstick
003. Is your AIM away message on? I don’t use AIM but I’m online on Google Chat
004. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Hmm… Mexican? Or does it have to be more specific than that? Grilled Chicken tostada with black beans.
005. What curse word do you use the most? Shit
006. Do you own an ipod? Yes
007. Who on your Myspace ” top 8 ” do you talk to the most? Ryan, Liz, Michele, Angie
008. What time is your alarm clock set for? 6:15
009. Have you ever bid for something on ebay? Yep
010. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside? Yep
011. Where do you buy your groceries from? Safeway, Trader Joe’s and occasionally Whole Foods
012. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take
013. What was the last movie you watched? Three to Tango
014. Do any of your friends have children? Yes. Mar has Elly. Dave and Mandi have Mike. Tammie and Steve have Brad, Nick, Andrew and Maggie. Nitssia has Nikki and Marq.
015. If you won the lottery, whats the first thing you would buy? Depends on how much I won! A house maybe… After I paid off some debt.
016. Has anyone ever called you lazy? My mother I’m sure!
017. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? No – I’m afraid!
018. What CD is currently in your CD player? Sugarland – “Twice the Speed of Life”
019. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Chocolate but I shouldn’t have either
020. Has anyone told you a secret this week? LOL – yes actually
021. When was the last time someone hit on you? Um… last night
022. What did you have for dinner? I split chicken fajitas with my friend Brie
023. What is your biggest fear? Not being good enough
024. What color is your car? White with a tan top
025. Can you whistle? Yes but only the regular kind
026. What is your favorite Christmas/winter movie? The one with the elf who wants to be a dentist
027. Do you make your own jewelry? Lol – nope!
028. Have you ever participated in a protest? Yes - several
029. Who was the last person to call you? Hmm… My boss
030. What is your favorite ride at an amusement park? Something that spins!
031. What is something you must do everyday? Shower?
032. Have you ever dated one of your best friends? Is this a trick question? My boyfriend IS my best friend but he didn’t start that way… I don’t believe in dating friends… that’s why they are friends.
033. What area code are you in right now? 650
034. Did you watch cartoons as a child? Yes – and they were SO much better!
035. How big is your local mall? Ginormous! I still get lost.
036. What is your job title? Mortgage Sales Associate
037. What do you miss most? Summer vacation
038. Would you ever sky dive? I’ll never say never
039. What are you allergic to? Dairy and obnoxious children
040. What is your biggest regret? Oh my… just one?
041. Have you ever had Jamba Juice? Of course
042. When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt? Hmmm… Sadly I can’t remember.
043. What movies do you know every line to? Lion King, Finding Nemo, Dirty Dancing, Top Gun
044. Do you own any band t-shirts? The Go-Go’s!
045. What is your favorite candle scent? Vanilla
046. How many aunts and uncles do you have? 3 Aunts and 1 Uncle on my mom’s side (I think I have 1 Aunt and 1 Uncle left on my father’s side but not sure)
047. When was your last plane ride? August 28th – home from Vegas!
048. Do you crack your knuckles? Yes – so bad!
049. How many chairs are at your dining room table? 2
050. What is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch – but I try to deny that urge and order balsamic vinegar only
051. Do you read for fun? Avidly.
052. Can you speak any languages other than English? Not fluently any more… Just a couple words here and there of Spanish. Some Hungarian.
053. Where is your cell phone? Right next to me – I just programmed in a friend’s number
054. Do you do your own dishes? Sadly yes – no dishwasher!
055. What color is your bedroom painted? White – it’s a rental
056. Are your parents divorced? Yes – since I was 2
057. Have you ever cried in public? Yes – I HATE that!
059. Which do you make Love or War? LOL – love I guess…
060. Are you always trying to learn new things? Absolutely
061. What messenger programs do you have? Google talk
062. Do you shower on a daily basis? Is this a real question?
063. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Yes – I’m currently deciding which of 2 new ones I want to get first
064. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? I believe whoever does the inviting should pay
065. Can you skip rocks? I think so – but I haven’t tried in a dozen years or more
067. Have you ever been to Jamaica? no
068. What do you snack on in the movies? nothing
069. Who was your favorite teacher? Dr. Carper – 8th grade
070. Have you ever dated someone out of your race? Yes
071. What is the weather like? Sunny and warm
072. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? Covered? No. With tattoos? Yes.
073. Do you have an online journal? You’re reading it!
074. Did you ever play Capture the Flag in school? Yes
075. What was your favorite class in high school? Western Civ
076. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Tummy
077. What personality trait is a must have in the preferred sex? Sense of humor
078. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? How would I know if I’m attracted to them?
079. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Hmmm… Within the last year I’m sure…
080. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Dirty martini, extra olives
081. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? I don’t know – I never asked
082. Do you like your living arrangement? I like the arrangement – not the apartment
083. Has anyone ever called you spoiled? My mother! But it’s her fault!
084. What is your mother and father’s hometowns? Hmm… My mom was born in Missouri but her hometown I would say is Bandon, OR. I have no idea about Jim.
085. Did you ever go to the same school as your parents? No.
086. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 7
087. How much is gas where you live right now? Like $2.89 or so…
088. What was the last thing to scare you? The starter on the Bronco not working properly
089. Do you own a PlayStation? No
090. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Once
092. What album did you buy last? Neil Young – “Living With War”
093. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Maybe 50?
094. Are your days full and fast-paced? For the most part
095. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? All the time
096. Is there carpet, wood or tile in the room you’re currently in? Carpet
097. Were you a “planned” child? I have no idea – again I never asked
098. What is your mom’s name? Melba
099. What is your dad’s name? Jim
100. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 28
Thursday, September 14, 2006
That was the first message I received upon logging in to my computer this morning.
Y’all. I LOVE my man.
You know it’s going to be a good night when the tequila shots start flowing at 6:30 pm. Then LawyerSean shows up with a 24 pack of cheap beer and he and TheBoy get started on that as I pour myself a glass of red wine left over from this weekend’s wedding wine tasting. Then BFL shows up with ANOTHER bottle of wine. There are more shots. More wine. I think I even drank a beer somewhere along the way. Good freaking times. I even managed to give myself a war wound in the form of a burn from the pot roast I made for dinner. Note to self: be careful when removing hot pans from oven while drunk.
On Tuesday I had a biopsy on my foot from the mosquito bites from hell that I got back in April that won’t go away. It’s awesome. I mean really… Y’all? Mosquito bites? Staph infection? Antibiotics that made me vomit? Twice? Steroids. Knee pain. Steroid shots in knee. Scars. Blood work. More blood work. X-Rays. Immune system in the crapper. And now just to add insult to injury I had a freaking piece of my flesh cut out of my foot! But they have no clue what’s wrong with me. Only that SOMETHING must be wrong because clearly I’m not healing and my immune system is shot.
Okay I’m done sounding bitter. Really. But wow. I’m a little overwhelmed with all this you know? I just keep reminding myself that it’s only 16 days until Cabo. I get my stitches out 4 days before we leave. I’m so ready for this…
16 days, 16 days, 16 days, 16 days…
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
I think I’ve lost some of my ability to do this. Lately, in the last several days, weeks and months, I find myself loving a little more cautiously. I still love, with a depth of emotion that frightens me at times, and yet I find myself holding back, keeping one eye towards the future. And now that I’ve recognized it in myself? I still can’t seem to stop.
Because here’s the thing… It’s hard to give 100% of yourself to something if you don’t feel like you are getting 100% back. BFL says that in every relationship one person takes on the role of the Lover and one the Beloved. But what happens when the Lover wants to switch roles and become the Beloved?
Friday, September 08, 2006
I’ll let y’all in on a little secret about me. I’m actually NOT all that good at expressing myself. Not in person anyway. Whenever there is a conversation about MY feelings or MY happiness I tend to avoid it like the plague. I’m so worried that I’ll say the wrong thing or come across in some negative way that I didn’t mean that I seem to choke over my own words. They never come.
I also cry during conversations that involve feelings. A LOT. Not because I’m being manipulative or whatever it is guys automatically think. Do guys actually think we LIKE sniveling and having runny noses? I think it totally undermines whatever point I’m trying to make AND it’s embarrassing. I hate it. I hate myself when I do it. But I can’t stop the tears from coming. It’s fucking annoying.
Why can’t we just write letters? Like people used to “in the good old days”? Writing gives me time to go back and re-think and re-work and edit to my little obsessive compulsive heart’s content. But who am I kidding? I can’t even bring myself to be 100% honest and open in my writing. Must I always hold something back?
Sorry for the rambling… if you want something lighter go here and check out the place we’ll be staying in Cabo. Pretty sweet no? Can’t wait! 21 days and counting…
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I now present to you the NEW and IMPROVED "30 things to accomplish before 30" list. And only one of those things I mentioned above is still on this list. What can I say? I'm older, wiser and also much more realistic. I only have two and a half years to work with here people! Time to get cracking!
I'll check in and let y'all know when I accomplish stuff. Not that you care necessarily. But... You know, accountability and all that.
1) Get another* tattoo (or two)
2) Hike Half Dome in Yosemite
3) Run another** half marathon (or three)
4) Learn to ride a bike (well)
5) Train for and complete a triathlon (should work on #4 first eh?)
6) Buy a house
7) Pay off soul-sucking debt
8) Decide what I want to be when I grow up - something that inspires me
9) Move out of the Bay Area
10) See a Broadway show - on Broadway***
11) Finish college (See? Still on the list!)
12) Volunteer for an organization I believe in
13) Get a dog
14) Learn to play tennis
15) Finally learn to line dance****
16) Take salsa dancing lessons
17) Travel alone
18) Take my mom on a trip somewhere - just the two of us
19) See the Grand Canyon
20) Go white water rafting
21) Travel to Italy
22) Go to Oktoberfest in Germany
23) Take more***** culinary classes (I'm insatiable I tell you!)
24) Drive up the West Coast
25) Plan a trip away with my girls (no boys allowed!)
26) See Burney Falls
27) Go to the driving range
28) Go back to visit Texas
29) Swim with dolphins
30) Work on a political campaign (maybe my guy will win damn it!)
*Already have one. Would have been on the original list too so we could just call this one checked off but I want at least one more for sure so... It stays.
**Ran a half marathon last July. Also ran a full marathon in June of 2002 but don't think I'll do that again. Too much strain on the poor knees! Marathon running also would have been on the original list but I really want to do another half so again... It stays.
***I've seen loads of Broadway plays. But I want to go to the Great White Way. You know. Theater buff and all.
****I mean really. With lessons. Not just standing at the back of the dance floor staring at people's feet and trying not to get trampled.
*****I've taken classes at CCA through their weekend program and was accepted to the full time program which ideally I'd still LOVE to do but... Who knows. Right now I'd just settle for some more weekend or evening classes at Sur La Table or Williams Sonoma.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
“You weren’t a good person before?” Someone asked.
“No… It’s just that… Nothing was right before. Nothing fit. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. She changed everything for me. She’s my everything. She quite possibly saved my life.”
The above conversation went on in that manner for several minutes. I wasn’t directly involved in it, instead I was chatting about college with TheBoy’s niece, but we both stopped to listen. By the time he finished, with a kiss to his wife, there wasn’t a dry female eye on the boat. As he was speaking I had to will myself not to look at TheBoy, certain I wouldn’t be able to keep the tears at bay, hating myself for the ache of longing that was spreading through my stomach.
I think all women want THAT kind of love. To think that they’ve made a significant impact on the lives of their man. To feel desired, wanted, needed. Important somehow. Like, if we were gone we’d be missed. It’s why we crave compliments. Why we’re constantly dissecting their actions for hidden meanings… We want to be someone's everything.
I’m of the school of thought that men are MUCH simpler than that. There are no hidden meanings behind their actions. They either do something or they don’t. Because they want to or they don’t. And lately? That thinking is making me sad.