Friday, September 08, 2006

Expressive

I have so much going on in my mind right now guys. I’ve started to write something here several times and it all seems so… hollow. It’s a fine line I walk between wanting to honestly share my feelings and express myself through my writing and yet wanting to hold something back. Once you say things you can’t take them back. That’s a lesson I’ve learned well over the years.

I’ll let y’all in on a little secret about me. I’m actually NOT all that good at expressing myself. Not in person anyway. Whenever there is a conversation about MY feelings or MY happiness I tend to avoid it like the plague. I’m so worried that I’ll say the wrong thing or come across in some negative way that I didn’t mean that I seem to choke over my own words. They never come.

I also cry during conversations that involve feelings. A LOT. Not because I’m being manipulative or whatever it is guys automatically think. Do guys actually think we LIKE sniveling and having runny noses? I think it totally undermines whatever point I’m trying to make AND it’s embarrassing. I hate it. I hate myself when I do it. But I can’t stop the tears from coming. It’s fucking annoying.

Why can’t we just write letters? Like people used to “in the good old days”? Writing gives me time to go back and re-think and re-work and edit to my little obsessive compulsive heart’s content. But who am I kidding? I can’t even bring myself to be 100% honest and open in my writing. Must I always hold something back?

Sorry for the rambling… if you want something lighter go here and check out the place we’ll be staying in Cabo. Pretty sweet no? Can’t wait! 21 days and counting…

6 comments:

Shawn said...

You really killed this post with that link Tiff. As I was reading it I was thinking of things to say and to also give my take on girls crying. Then I saw the link, went there and POOF, any desire to respond to the majority of this post is gone. Need I say I'm jealous? You want someone to carry your luggage? All 15 bags? Can you picture me being childish and sticking my tongue out at you? Well I am!!!!! :P :P and :P


:)

It's been about 10 years since I was in Cabo but I still smile when I think about the good times I had down there. Don't know if it's your first time or not but it's a blast. Good bars with good drinks and warm water.... I say this for all of us - we expect some good pictures!!!!

Tiffany said...

I'm not sure if I should be offended that you think I take 15 bags on vacation? Or flattered that you offered to carry them!

Twit.

And I know I kind of ruined the post... See what I mean about the feelings thing? Serious followed by let's have some laughs. Very slight of hand. Very me.

Shawn said...

OK, so I was joking about the 15, I mean really, you'll probably only take 3 and then your multiple carry-ons.

:P

Twit. Hmmm. Don't think I've been called that before!

It may be as you say 'very you' to make a hard left when everyone was expecting a right but I can understand the frustration you feel with the tears. Do some women use them to get their way, yes I think so but I think most do so because the depth of feelings they're feeling and the inability to express exactly how they feel in a way that conveys exactly what they're trying to say. Once they start falling you get even more fed up with yourself for crying when you don't want to that you start crying even more....it feeds back into itself and just makes it worse.

At least that's my opinion and even though it tears my heart to see a girl cry, I try to understand that it's not necessarily her just trying to manipulate the situation.

I'll also agree with you that it's hard to express in spoken words the feelings that I feel. There's a reason my blog is called what it is - I can ramble, especially when feelings are involved. Sometimes it's just easier to write things down. As for holding things back have you ever wondered if it's because some little part of you doesn't believe we truly do like you for who you are and that if you were to expose some flaw you might lose those you hold dear? Just saying that because I think we all at some point wonder that...

OK, enough rambling without direction. Maybe one of these days I'll actually post something on my blog instead of filling up yours!! :) Have a great weekend Tiff.

Laurie said...

I know what you mean about holding back. It used to be that my blog was the one arena of my life where I could write and be completely honest...Now all of these people I know read it (local people, people I actually know personally), and now I can't write about everything. Which sucks, because I feel like I'm suffocating. So I know what you mean. I'm here if you need me.

Liz said...

Lof mew. There is nothing I can say here that you don't already know. But just in case, I am here.

scott aughtmon said...

Hey Tiff.

Thanks for your reply on my blog. I replied back there if you want to see it.

Click here!

Check this 9-11 video I posted about here. It's hardcore!