Monday, June 30, 2008

We did it!

I am officially Mrs. TheBoy! Day 3 of being married is going great. :D

Wedding went off perfectly smoothly. Loads of people cried, including yours truly! I was so sure I wasn't going to cry I ~almost~ didn't even buy water proof mascara! Good thing I did.

Details later! And photos if you are lucky!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Goodbye G

What couple picks a break up song for “their song”? Perhaps I should have seen it for a sign? But we loved it. Every time the song would come up we’d turn our speakers as loud as they’d go and sing along like idiots. We thought it was funny. It was unique. It was us.

Girl you know we belong together
I have no time for you to be playing
With my heart like this
You’ll be mine forever baby, you just see

We belong together

And you that I’m right
Why do you play with my head,
Why do you play with my mind?

I knew something was up by the third time you hit rewind on the cassette tape playing in my car. We were sitting in the parking lot behind a Hollywood Video. I had driven you back to your car which had been parked there earlier prior to yet another beginning-of-summer party. We had just ended our junior year of High School and were giddy with the feeling of FINALLY being seniors. High School was almost over and we were invincible that summer. Parties and beach bonfires, crazy car races through back roads in the dark and way, way too much cheap beer. But on this night, instead of just hopping out of my car with a quick “later” and that famous grin… you lingered. We talked about our mutual friends, about our plans for the coming summer, about music.

Said we’d be forever
Said it’d never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say good-bye?

“This is my favorite Boys II Men song” you said as you reached over to rewind the song the first time. As it happened to be one of MY favorite songs also I consented to listening to it through a second time. While the first time the song played we had laughed and joked together, the second time we were silent.

Girl I can’t sleep at night
without holding you tight
Girl, each time I try
I just break down and cry
Pain in my head
oh I’d rather be dead
Spinnin’ around and around

“What ever happened to us last summer?” Though you asked this question softly and seemingly out of left field I knew instantly what you were referring to. The previous year, our sophomore year, we had a class together. We quickly went from casual acquaintances, friends of friends, to constant companions. We would sit together in the back of our chemistry class, cracking jokes and goofing off, we would skip class together and hang out in the parking lot (you were older and already had your driver’s license), we would seek each other out at lunch, you attended your first ever school sporting event because I invited you to watch me cheer. Once your mom let you drive me home when she came in the car to get you after school. I remember that, her sitting in the back seat and us in the front, feeling so grown up.

Girl, I know you really love me,
You just don’t realize
You’ve never been there before
It’s only your first time

Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Everyone thought we liked each other that year. Honestly on my end I just saw you as a friend, my buddy, we had good times together. You made me laugh. But when anyone asked us if we were “together” we would just laugh. No way. Just friends. I guess we were an anomaly, a teenage girl and a teenage boy who could hang out without the complications of hormones. In our last day of regular classes, before finals and freedom of summertime, you came running up to me in the hall before class. There was a big party that night, some classmate’s parents were going to be out of town and the requisite cheap beer and stolen alcohol from someone’s parents had been procured. Would I go with you? You always had this charming grin. But back then I was a “good girl” and I didn’t make too many appearances on the party scene. And I had plans already for that night. I told you I’d see. We exchanged phone numbers. I remember thinking it was odd that I hadn’t had your phone number before.

Maybe I’ll forgive you, hmm
Maybe you’ll try
We should be happy together
Forever, you and I

I never called. You never called. We went on with our separate summer plans. Mine was full of church retreats, mission trips, cheerleading camp and countless movie nights. Yours was filled with parties, under-age drinking and too many lazy days by the pool. When we met up again in the fall for the beginning of our junior year I remember being jealous of your summer. The restrictions of trying to be what everyone wanted me to be were getting hard to bear. I was ready to let my hair down. Neither of us mentioned the fact that I had blown you off, though I hadn’t forgotten. To be honest I had started to doubt your sincerity when you told people we were just friends and nothing more. I wasn’t sure how to deal with the knowledge that you wanted to be more, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be more. That night in the car I knew it for a fact.

Girl, you love me again like you loved me before
This time I want you to love me much more
This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me, don’t let me down

“I’m not sure what happened I guess. Maybe it wasn’t our time?” I tried to make it into a joke but my heart was beating so hard I was sure you could hear it. You reached over and hit the button to rewind the song once more – I thought a fourth time listening to the same song was a little excessive but I didn’t say anything. In fact, I think I was holding my breath. “Is now our time?” Something in that fourth repetition, or maybe the slight delay in my answer, gave you the courage you’d been searching for and you leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t a great kiss, I can admit that now. But it was sweet and you were so earnest. I liked you so much. By the end of that night the kissing was better and we had pretty much established ourselves as a new couple.

Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the roadStill I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

“I wanted it to be that song” you said, for our first kiss. “I’ll forgive you for taking so long to come around” you said. There was an emotion in your voice when you said that last bit about forgiving me; it was a little bit angry, a little disdainful. I should have paid more attention to it but I was caught up in the excitement of it all. Soon we were joined at the hip. It was like the before only better. We laughed together, we learned together, we loved together. Almost from the beginning there was talk of forever. What are the odds of high school sweethearts ending up together? Something like one in a million I’m sure. We were sure we were destined to be that one. It was our senior year and we were on top of the world.

Girl I’m here for you
All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just run out with that other fella
Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care
You just don’t understand how much I love you do you?
I’m here for you

We weren’t without our dramas though. That first year was wonderful. At some point in that first year you surprised me with a trip to a local jeweler. You wanted me to have a ring. Something to wear that indicated I was yours. It was a placeholder you said, for the wedding band I’d one day wear. We asked the girl at the store what the stone was for June, the month we counted as the start of our relationship. She told us it was a ruby and so we selected the daintiest ruby and diamond channel set band. I waited outside while you paid so I could manage some element of surprise for the gift I basically picked out. I learned after a few months of wearing the ring that June’s stone is a pearl and that July’s stone is the ruby. I never told you we had been wrong, I don’t know if you even know now, but rubies became our thing. I wore a red dress to the prom that year because of it. For my birthday a few years later you gave me ruby stud earrings.

I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did baby but that’s all right
Hey, I love you anyway
And I’m still gonna be here for you ’till my dying day baby
Right now, I’m just in so much pain baby
Coz you just won’t come back to me
Will you? just come back to me

Your ring was stolen. Along with the earrings and pretty much every other piece of jewelry I owned. I hadn’t worn it in years. I slipped it off that night after I caught you with your hands all over some girl at my friend’s birthday party. Even though we held on to our sham of a relationship for three months after that I think I finally knew that this time, when you humiliated me in front of all of my friends, that it would be over for good. But even though things ended badly for us I still have a soft spot in my memory for all the good times we had. And I thought I would always have that ring as a reminder of how much you loved me then, how naive and young we were and how much hope there was behind that gesture. I’m sorry that it is gone. Given that we have not remained friends I feel like my last link to you is gone and with it my last link to the girl I used to be.

Yes baby my heart is lonely
My heart hurts baby
Yes I feel pain too
Baby please
This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me go

Do you remember those trips we would take to Don Pedro with your cousins? I remember cruising the lake at sunset, blaring Bonny M (you and your crazy Euro pop music) and drinking beers your cousins were nice enough to not notice we had pilfered from their cooler. I remember waking up in a tent that was easily 100 degrees and running laughing to jump in the lake to cool off. I remember teasing you about pitching it the night before in the darkness, choosing the flat spot in the open over the slightly rocky spot in the shade because you were too lazy to move a few rocks. I remember racing your cousin on her jet ski and how I was terrified of going that fast. You promised me I’d be safe, but then I wasn’t… my first and only concussion. Do you know that I still refuse to ride on a jet ski to this day? Your legacy. I remember trips to your god father’s cabin on Clear Lake. The night we thought it would be fun to try tequila shooters and I tried out my culinary skills by cooking you dinner. You never liked my cooking. Did you know that I started a catering company? And that people now rave about my cooking?

Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

I knew there were other girls. I ignored the nasty looks from the girl you had a crush on in high school. You were too foolish to realize she only wanted you then because you had decided to stop mooning after her and had found a new girlfriend. Did you know how much you hurt me every time you said how beautiful she was? How much it stung when you would compare me to her and I always came up lacking? I don’t know if you two routinely snuck around behind my back or if it was just that one night I followed you two from your friend’s pool into the main house and saw you close his sister’s bedroom door. I was so young then and I had no idea people could hurt that much. I knew about a few other girls too, the older sister of a classmate and a girl from your night school college program. I also know how many girls you made up. Did you like hurting me? You were jealous. At first I was flattered. Then annoyed. Then angry at the injustice of you, the unfaithful one, being jealous of me, the faithful one.

(a cappella)
Although we’ve come to the end of the road

Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

When people ask, I tell them I was with my high school sweetheart for almost five years. In reality we were officially together for four years and eight months, though the last three months we hardly spoke. We broke up three times before the final time. If you subtract the time we spent apart during break ups I imagine we were really only “together” for four years. But those four years, which spanned the ages of 17 to 21, were a time when I really grew into my own. I laid the foundations to become the woman I am today and for your part in the process I will always be grateful.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Greatest Survey EVER

Thanks to Kate for giving me something to blog about when my brain has pretty much turned to mush in the week before my wedding!

If you were God for a day, what would you do? I have NO idea. I’m not sure I want that kind of responsibility!

If you could be the parent of one famous person, who would you want it to be? Hm. Someone with a lot of money that could take care of me in my old age! Like Britney. Never mind that she’s only like 4 years younger than me… that girl needs a hug!

What was the last thing you regret buying? I don’t suffer from buyer’s remorse too often… But I do suffer from eater’s remorse… So maybe that Taco Bell burrito I bought on my way home from my (soon to be) Sister-in-law’s a few weekends back. My ass surely didn’t need it!

There's a monster in your closet. What do you do? Make sure it isn’t wearing my clothes in there!

If you could bring back one person from the dead, who would it be? Luckily I haven’t really had too many people close to me die. And those that have passed on lived full lives. “To every thing there is a time and a purpose…” and all that.

What are 3 things you'd like to learn to do? Play the guitar, ride a bike, and invest.

What is your favorite kind of cheese? I am an equal opportunity cheese lover. Sadly it doesn’t love ME as much as I love IT. Don’t things always work that way?

If you had a truth serum, who would you give it to and what would you ask? I’m not sure I would want to know anything I had to use truth serum to force out of someone!

How do you know when you're in love? When you think of them and their happiness before your own.

Why do you have a cell phone? All the cool kids were getting them.

What do you consider the most important invention? Kate said bras which made me laugh out loud! I’m going to go with the Internet (thank you Al Gore).

How would you spend your ideal day? Sleeping in with TheBoy, making a huge breakfast and drinking mimosas outside on a warm summer morning, followed with a bit of wakeboarding on Lake Shasta, a bonfire and BBQ in the evening with some good friends and good tequila, and sleeping soundly like only a full day in the sun can make me do. (And well a few other things that it isn’t polite to announce to the internets at large – ahem.)

Why are a fly and a tree alike? They both have great views of the world? Is this a trick question?

What is too serious to be joked about? Rape.

3 words to describe your personality: Loud, loyal, honest.

3 words to describe your looks: um… short, blonde and… cute? I guess. People always say that. “Tiff is cute.” Just once I’d like to be “stunning” or “sexy” – le sigh.

Who would you choose to be shipwrecked on a deserted island with? I know I should say TheBoy and all but really if I HAVE to be shipwrecked I’d pick some Navy Seal or Marine or… MacGyver or something. Someone who can get my ass OFF the island!

What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening? Fantastic food, great wine, sitting outside by a fire… Great conversation.

If you could be remembered for one thing, what would it be? That I was a good friend.

Someone kicks a cat in front of you. What do you do? Kick their freaking ASS!

You meet God. What is the one question you want to ask Him? Why?

If you saw someone stealing, what would you do? I’m not sure really. Are they bigger than me? I might confront them or I might just alert the authorities… I don’t know. That a tough one!

Have you ever been the victim of racism? Is discrimination against Blondes a form of racism? I’ve certainly been a victim of sexism.

Is there anything you would willingly give your life for? I don’t know. I’d like to think I would give up my life if it meant salvation of an entire population of people but… I don’t know.

If you could re-live one day, what would it be? I’m not sure I would. Life is meant to be lived in a forward motion y’all!

If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Heh. Sneak into someplace I’m not supposed to be maybe?

Do you like raw vegetables? Sure do.

Do you dress for fashion or comfort? Comfort. But lately I’ve been trying to “dress for success” and success isn’t as comfy as I had hoped it would be.

Have you ever owned a pogo stick? Nope. But my friend Kathy Ann from the 6th grade owned one. It was fun. And harder than it looks.

What kind of old person do you want to be? An active one.

What is the best question in the world? Why?

What is the worst holiday experience you've ever had? I once took a high school boyfriend up to Chico to visit his mom (whom he hadn’t seen in years) for Thanksgiving. I realized about 12 seconds into the car ride up there that this guy had serious, SERIOUS issues and that I a) desperately wanted to break up with him and b) that I missed my mama!

Ever been accused of doing something you didn't? Who hasn’t?

If you had to listen to one song over and over forever, what would it be? Forever? Right now I’m digging some old Skynard so maybe like “Simple Kind of Man” or “Free Bird” but I’m fairly sure I’d be sick of anything within a week if I had to listen to it over and over and over.

If you had to marry someone you are not in love with, who would it be? A ridiculously wealthy guy who treated me nicely and with respect and looked the other way when I took a lover?

Would you tell your best friend if you saw their spouse cheating on them? Probably. Lord I hope I never find out though.

If you had to be a TV character, who would it be? Evie from Out of This World. How cool would it be to be able to pause real life?!!? Like TiVo only WAY cooler.

What is the greatest unsolved mystery of all? The intricacies of human nature.

Is it easier to forgive or forget? It’s easy to forgive once you’ve decided to. It’s sometimes impossible to forget no matter how badly you wish you could.

If you could read anyone's diary, whose would it be? Hm. Maybe my mom’s from when she was my age.

If you are what you eat, you are? A sugar-free red bull. I know it’s not food but that’s all I’ve had in the past 18 hours or so!

If you KNEW for a fact there was a heaven and a hell, what would you do? Go back to church.

Do you enjoy duct tape? Of course! It was my runner up answer to the question about the greatest invention ever! Though as entertaining as duct tape is it isn’t quite as informative as the internet.

Who is a hero of yours? My mom. For sure.

Have you ever laughed at a funeral? Actually yes. But everyone else was laughing too. And I think the guy would have appreciated that we were remembering the good times.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Worst. Bride. Ever.

Because I can't ever seem to remember to take photos of myself in my damn dress I had my mom bring it to the house this weekend for when the girls came over. Luckily for you (maybe) my friends take pictures! AND share them!

So here I am in all my wedding dressed and bustled glory...

And here is a close up one so you can see the detail a little better.

Everyone say "thank you" to Liz.

Wine Tasting with the Girls!

Last weekend some of the girls came out to keep me company while TheBoy and his crew went to the lake for his Bachelor Party. We decided to go wine tasting and this is us at stop #1. Notice that my cheeks are a normal shade of pink and no one looks like they might tip over. :D

Monday, June 09, 2008

Signs of Job Burnout

A co-worker of mine sent me this article today via e-mail with the subject “this is so you right now!” Is this a bad sign when other people, people I work with, are noticing my dissatisfaction? I’m thinking maybe it is. Especially since after reading the article I realized that holy crap someone wrote an article ALL ABOUT ME and then posted it on CNN for everyone to read.

Sign No. 1: Your co-workers are walking on eggshells around you.
I find myself apologizing for being a huge bitch. A lot. I’m just saying. I do feel bad for snapping at people and just generally being all bah-humbug all the time but I can’t seem to snap out of it! From 5 am on Monday until about 5 pm on Friday I am just in the world’s most foul mood! Even my commute home on Fridays doesn’t bother me as much as any other commute of the week because I know I don’t have to make that drive again for two whole days.

Sign No. 2: You come in late and want to leave earlier.
For the first time in my life I have become a habitual clock watcher. I literally plan my lunch break to minimize the amount of hours I still have left in the day once I return. I also find myself thinking things like "at two I can go move my car into the three hour public parking behind the building... it'll take me a good 15 - 20 minutes to do that and then I'll have less than three hours left of work!"

I AM coming in later because I’m trying to get in my gym work outs in the morning now, which of course means I have to stay later. This would be bad news on a normal day for me who, as a quintessential morning person, usually likes to be done with work for the day by 4. My brain just turns off in the afternoons! What can I say?

Sign No. 3: Apathy has replaced enthusiasm.
I used to love my job. Now I find myself seriously unable to get excited or motivated over anything. I even have found myself wondering why other people are so excited about things at work. Why does it matter if something happens, today, right this minute? No one is going to die if it doesn’t happen. It’s really not that big of a deal. I certainly don’t want to harass other people and make them angry or annoyed just so that something non-essential can happen a few moments or days before it would have happened anyway. It just isn’t that important you know?

Sign No. 4: You've lost camaraderie with co-workers.
Ahem. Did I mention it was a co-worker who sent me this article? Enough said.

Sign No. 5: You're feeling physically sick.
Two migraines in two days? Haven’t slept in a month? Stomach upset a lot? Check, check and check. Hm.

So, tell me, what’s a girl to do?

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

One box of cards

I am one of those people who set limits and goals for me in almost every aspect of my life. I will live in x apartment until I can afford to buy a house. I will buy myself a new suit when I can comfortably fit into x size. And so on and so on. It generally helps me to feel like I am on track and accomplishing what I need to be doing. So what if I ended up living in that apartment for two years longer than I planned? We bought a house. And so what if I’ve been wearing the same “interview suit” for years because I never seem to be the size I think I should be when I need it. It’s a nice suit – it works.

But then I come to things where I truly am upset that I haven’t stuck with the plan and challenged myself to grow. When I first started my current job I said to myself “I will only work here until I have gone through one box of business cards.” Honestly I don’t use my cards THAT much and I figured it would take me a couple years to get through the 1,000 cards they sent me. I figured 1,000 cards was enough time for me to learn all I needed to know to be ready and able to move on from here.

Last week I finally broke down and ordered another box of cards. I had been out for a few weeks but had been holding off on ordering more because – well frankly because I was hoping I wouldn’t need them. But people started noticing I didn’t have cards, and something came up where I am going to need to have cards and… They came today. It’s been almost 4 years. I am almost unreasonably upset about having to order new cards. And not because of the bad environmental effect on me ordering 1,000 cards with a name I won’t be using any more after this month. It is because I feel stuck and I am upset with myself that I can’t get out.