One box of cards

I am one of those people who set limits and goals for me in almost every aspect of my life. I will live in x apartment until I can afford to buy a house. I will buy myself a new suit when I can comfortably fit into x size. And so on and so on. It generally helps me to feel like I am on track and accomplishing what I need to be doing. So what if I ended up living in that apartment for two years longer than I planned? We bought a house. And so what if I’ve been wearing the same “interview suit” for years because I never seem to be the size I think I should be when I need it. It’s a nice suit – it works.

But then I come to things where I truly am upset that I haven’t stuck with the plan and challenged myself to grow. When I first started my current job I said to myself “I will only work here until I have gone through one box of business cards.” Honestly I don’t use my cards THAT much and I figured it would take me a couple years to get through the 1,000 cards they sent me. I figured 1,000 cards was enough time for me to learn all I needed to know to be ready and able to move on from here.

Last week I finally broke down and ordered another box of cards. I had been out for a few weeks but had been holding off on ordering more because – well frankly because I was hoping I wouldn’t need them. But people started noticing I didn’t have cards, and something came up where I am going to need to have cards and… They came today. It’s been almost 4 years. I am almost unreasonably upset about having to order new cards. And not because of the bad environmental effect on me ordering 1,000 cards with a name I won’t be using any more after this month. It is because I feel stuck and I am upset with myself that I can’t get out.