Thursday, May 29, 2008

I am a huge bitch right now so beware - UPDATED

Alternate title: Reason #315 why I should not have children

So apparently when I am depressed/angry/frustrated/sleepy I should not be left alone among the general population. I made two different people cry on two totally separate occasions in the past two days. Perhaps it would be best if I just stayed in bed? You tell me.

Occasion the first:

I was driving home from work on Tuesday, in the Bronco, with the top off, after I had what probably was one of the most patience trying days of my life. I had left work late and it had taken me about 45 minutes to drive a distance of maybe 5 miles. I was not amused. Because traffic had been literally CRAWLING I found myself about 2 feet into the pedestrian cross walk when the light turned red. Keep in mind I had been sitting in that exact same spot for about 10 minutes. Enter fat man holding Jack in the Box bag and jumbo cup of soda.

Fat Man: You are totally in the cross walk b*$@#!

Me: (to myself) Maybe he doesn’t realize that with out any top (or windows!) that I can hear him?

Me: (still to myself) Wow lard ass you should be thanking me for making you walk 3 extra steps!

Me: (out loud) Wow lard ass you should be thanking me for making you walk 3 extra steps!

At this point the Fat Man turns around and glares at me. Do I leave well enough alone? Do I sheepishly look away? NOT ON YOUR LIFE BUDDY!

Me: (not knowing how to shut my pie hole) Seriously! Jack in the Box? (at which point I motioned to his bag) Maybe you should try jogging fatso!

Thankfully the light turned green and the cars in front of me had moved about 3 feet so I could somewhat triumphantly drive off. I looked over and caught a glimpse of Fat Man (now safely on the other side of the street from the Crazy Truck Driving B*$@#) and y’all he looked like he was about to cry.

I did feel mildly guilty. But then I thought “he started it!” a la 4th grade and decided that perhaps I should go lock myself in the house for the remainder of the evening.

Occasion the second:

Yesterday as I was walking to my car after work, which as I’ve mentioned before is parked way out in the back 40 about a mile from my office, I was indulging in a very well deserved pity cigarette when I noticed these two twelve year old girls approaching me on the sidewalk from the opposite direction.

Please no lectures about the cigarettes – any lectures will most likely result in a) hysterical crying, b) me regaling you with all the numerous reasons my life sucks right now or c) a combination of the two.

12 YO #1: (to her friend) Ew! Why would anyone smoke a cigarette?

12 YO #2: (clearly appalled at the presence of a cigarette (!) in public, on the street) I don’t know that is SO gross.

Me: (not having learned my lesson from the day before apparently) Listen little girl. You should think twice before judging people. For your information my house was robbed, we lost pretty much everything of value, I hate my job, I am about to drive about 2 hours in traffic and I am getting married in less than a month. So maybe you shouldn’t worry about my smoking – you have no idea how stressful it is to be a grown up.

12 YO #1: (mouth wide open staring at me) Um.

12 YO #2: Come on let’s go.

I resisted the temptation to throw my cigarette butt at their retreating backs, but barely. The first little girl looked like she was about to cry but the second one just looked shocked that I dared to speak to them. I’m sure somewhere today there is a pissed off soccer mom telling her friends about the psycho smoker who accosted her beloved Buffy as she walked downtown for an ice cream. Whatever. People should teach their children to be understanding and non-judgmental. Ahem.

I am now on a goal today to not make ANYONE cry. No matter how well deserved. Because I really am a nice person. I've just had a few bad days/weeks/months.



This just in! In an effort to prove that I am not a miserable excuse for a human being and not fit for companionship with anyone other than Ebinezer Scrooge... I was walking to my car to go run an errand at lunch and there was an older woman walking in front of me. When she stopped at the corner she turned around and smiled at me and said,

"Those are noisy shoes! Don't wear those when you go to rob the bank!"

And I responded in all my bah-humbugness by giving her (what I hope was) a friendly smile and said,

"Yes ma'm. I promise to bring my slippers for that."


Goat said...

Hey we all knew you could be feisty! Don't fret Tiff, we all also know how sweet you are too. The recipients of your not so subtle outburst probably needed them, there are too many precious snowflakes out there and they all need to be reminded of reality from time to time. You did them a favor. :)

I'll admit that I'm laughing now picturing a cute little blond sitting in a bronco barking out at someone - bet that was the last thing he expected!!

I know you're going through a lot of crap right now but I hope you and TheBoy find time this weekend to do something that puts a smile on your face.

Michele said...

Aww Poor tiffy! Though I have to admit it makes me laugh too!

Melina said...

I love you! You should be a bitch more often :) And the cigarette thing, I smoked all the time (previous to finding out I was pregnant) and kids would say stuff all the time. I guess it's a good thing, they're learning the right stuff but it was SO annoying!

Kitty #8 said...

No my gosh! That was thoroughly entertaining. Thank you