You guys. The universe is seriously speaking to me. There have been more signs in the last year about how my life is REALLY off track and all this unhappiness and misery I feel can and should be changed. There need to be some changes!
Sad news yesterday about Steve Jobs. Truly the brightest bulbs always burn out the fastest. I have a handful of quotes from Steve Jobs over the years, one of which I posted on FB earlier, here is my other favorite:
"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on."
Don't settle.
I'm totally settling and I HATE it. I want to live less for a paycheck and more for a passion. I'm tired of having my dreams called "foolish" or "unsustainable". Money isn't everything, in fact I'm learning more and more that its not even a top contending thing. I'm sick of people telling me I can't do what I want. Be happy for me or get the hell out of my way.
How many times do I have to hear this before I ACTUALLY tell the world to screw it and move on with my life? How many messages from the universe can I ignore?
I'm listening...
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Conversations with a ghost
TheHusband and I spent all day yesterday in Roseville, celebrating the life of his step-uncle Dave Brigham with assorted friends and family. I have to say, I can only hope that at my memorial service there are so many amazing stories, so much laughter, so much love. I had the pleasure of knowing Dave for the last 8 years or so (TheHusband and I were a little slow on the whole meet the family thing - especially because his family consists of hundreds of people and complicated "how are we related again" lines) though I feel like the last time I saw him, in Oregon a few weeks ago, was the first time I really had a serious conversation with the man. And man, am I grateful for it.
I used to tell TheHusband that every time I spent time with Dave and his wife Mary that I was in awe of the love and acceptance that just seemed to radiate from them. I would joke that I just wanted to sit in their presence and let some of their positivity wear off on me. Like maybe I could absorb it into my own life somehow through osmosis? The love between them was almost a tangible object, their way of looking at life and the situations around them was amazingly positive. I felt that not only were they constantly working towards making themselves better, but they also wanted you to be better, experience more happpiness and love in your life as well.
As someone mentioned at the memorial yesterday (another nephew - I think) the unspoken code of nature is to "leave it better than you found it". I've known this since the very first camping/back-packing trip I ever took as a child. Dave was a great lover of the outdoors, of the mountains, someone who saw the connection between nature and spirituality every day, in every instance. As a legacy to the type of person he was, I think that every one in that room yesterday nodded in agreement that Dave left each of us better than he found us. I truly feel privledged to have known him and I am better for it.
Needless to say, in the 10 days since his death I have replayed our final conversation over and over in my head. Y'all. I have even dreamed of this conversation. I wish I had asked more questions, paid more attention, given more thought to my side of the dialogue instead of using the same flippant answers I always do when asked about what I want out of life. Because the thing is, I actually got the feeling from Dave that he CARED about my answers, that he wasn't just making polite conversation, that he genuinely wanted me to find happiness. If I had known it would be my last chance to talk with him I think I would have done it differently. But that's the lesson isn't it? You never know if you'll get another chance to say the things you want to say, or ask the questions you need answered, or just sit and absorb another person's personality and love.
Lesson learned.
This morning on the way to work I actually had a one-sided conversation with Dave. I tried to pick it up where we left off, and using some of the insight in to his character that I gained from listening to his many friends and family members speak yesterday, I asked some follow up questions. I know that sounds insane. I do. But y'all, if nothing else, I want to try and reach the idealized place of happiness with myself, my life, my family and my relationships that Dave had. I need to refocus, re-evaluate and shift my priorities to make it happen. But I will. In memory of Dave. It can be my small way of remembering him, of keeping his spirit alive.
Dave's sons both spoke about their father yesterday and the youngest closed his portion with the Bible verse most commonly associated with weddings, 1 Corinthians 13. He mentioned that, to him, his father emulated all of these things in his life. What a powerful legacy to have left behind right?
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I used to tell TheHusband that every time I spent time with Dave and his wife Mary that I was in awe of the love and acceptance that just seemed to radiate from them. I would joke that I just wanted to sit in their presence and let some of their positivity wear off on me. Like maybe I could absorb it into my own life somehow through osmosis? The love between them was almost a tangible object, their way of looking at life and the situations around them was amazingly positive. I felt that not only were they constantly working towards making themselves better, but they also wanted you to be better, experience more happpiness and love in your life as well.
As someone mentioned at the memorial yesterday (another nephew - I think) the unspoken code of nature is to "leave it better than you found it". I've known this since the very first camping/back-packing trip I ever took as a child. Dave was a great lover of the outdoors, of the mountains, someone who saw the connection between nature and spirituality every day, in every instance. As a legacy to the type of person he was, I think that every one in that room yesterday nodded in agreement that Dave left each of us better than he found us. I truly feel privledged to have known him and I am better for it.
Needless to say, in the 10 days since his death I have replayed our final conversation over and over in my head. Y'all. I have even dreamed of this conversation. I wish I had asked more questions, paid more attention, given more thought to my side of the dialogue instead of using the same flippant answers I always do when asked about what I want out of life. Because the thing is, I actually got the feeling from Dave that he CARED about my answers, that he wasn't just making polite conversation, that he genuinely wanted me to find happiness. If I had known it would be my last chance to talk with him I think I would have done it differently. But that's the lesson isn't it? You never know if you'll get another chance to say the things you want to say, or ask the questions you need answered, or just sit and absorb another person's personality and love.
Lesson learned.
This morning on the way to work I actually had a one-sided conversation with Dave. I tried to pick it up where we left off, and using some of the insight in to his character that I gained from listening to his many friends and family members speak yesterday, I asked some follow up questions. I know that sounds insane. I do. But y'all, if nothing else, I want to try and reach the idealized place of happiness with myself, my life, my family and my relationships that Dave had. I need to refocus, re-evaluate and shift my priorities to make it happen. But I will. In memory of Dave. It can be my small way of remembering him, of keeping his spirit alive.
Dave's sons both spoke about their father yesterday and the youngest closed his portion with the Bible verse most commonly associated with weddings, 1 Corinthians 13. He mentioned that, to him, his father emulated all of these things in his life. What a powerful legacy to have left behind right?
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Stress
Lordy folks - it has been a busy, stressful summer! Even though it has only been warm and "summer-like" for roughly one week and its now mid-July (yes, I am complaining about the weather). I can't believe all of the things that have gone right, gone wrong or just gone on. Yes I realize I've left off the 30 days of truth thing in the middle but I promise I shall be retruning to that soon enough. In the meantime let me catch you all up on the things that are taking my time away from writing...
1) Vacation. TheHusband and I took 10 days late last month and spent a couple days at Lake Shasta, then a few days in Oregon for a family reunion (plus our anniversary and my FIL's 60th birthday) then back to the lake for extended birthday festivities and the 4th of July. Oregon was relaxing, the lake is always fun and I REALLY needed the time away from work so all in all it was a good time.
2) Sick kitty. After being gone for 10 days, we were home for roughly 36 hours when we noticed that TheCat was not well (aside from being pissed at us for leaving him) so we took him to the vet and ended up having to leave him there for 3 days. We eventually brought him home for monitoring over the weekend (with a catheter - joy!) and then back he went to the vet Monday for a final appointment. Needless to say he hasn't left my side any longer than strictly necessary since then. Also, I realize that I am obscenely attached to my cat. I seriosuly missed him and worried non-stop while he was at the vet. Its amazing how much his furry little presence adds to my life.
3) Death. One of my step-MIL's brothers passed away unexpectedly last week and the whole family has been in constant memorial planning upheveal ever since. We actually got to spent time with Dave while we were in Oregon for vacay and I'm so utterly thankful for it. Dave and his wife Mary are quite possibly the most positive, encouraging and spiritual people I know. Dave's passion for life and the love between he and Mary was inspiring. The news hit us all very hard and I still can't quite believe he's gone.
4) Super secret planning. Ok I can't really get in to the details here on this one. Lets just say that I've been working on a new project (together with several other people) and I'm thrilled to finally be taking steps to get the hell out of this soul-sucking corporate job and move on with my life. Its going to be awhile yet before I can make the full switch (see: unemployed husband) but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll share more details when I can but... Its good times y'all.
5) Soul-sucking corporate job. Busy. Very, very busy. Also, did I mention I hate it? And I have a numbingly long commute? To avoid sounding like a broken record I'll stop there (there are plenty of posts in the archives about how much I hate my job) and just say again - busy. Send wine.
1) Vacation. TheHusband and I took 10 days late last month and spent a couple days at Lake Shasta, then a few days in Oregon for a family reunion (plus our anniversary and my FIL's 60th birthday) then back to the lake for extended birthday festivities and the 4th of July. Oregon was relaxing, the lake is always fun and I REALLY needed the time away from work so all in all it was a good time.
2) Sick kitty. After being gone for 10 days, we were home for roughly 36 hours when we noticed that TheCat was not well (aside from being pissed at us for leaving him) so we took him to the vet and ended up having to leave him there for 3 days. We eventually brought him home for monitoring over the weekend (with a catheter - joy!) and then back he went to the vet Monday for a final appointment. Needless to say he hasn't left my side any longer than strictly necessary since then. Also, I realize that I am obscenely attached to my cat. I seriosuly missed him and worried non-stop while he was at the vet. Its amazing how much his furry little presence adds to my life.
3) Death. One of my step-MIL's brothers passed away unexpectedly last week and the whole family has been in constant memorial planning upheveal ever since. We actually got to spent time with Dave while we were in Oregon for vacay and I'm so utterly thankful for it. Dave and his wife Mary are quite possibly the most positive, encouraging and spiritual people I know. Dave's passion for life and the love between he and Mary was inspiring. The news hit us all very hard and I still can't quite believe he's gone.
4) Super secret planning. Ok I can't really get in to the details here on this one. Lets just say that I've been working on a new project (together with several other people) and I'm thrilled to finally be taking steps to get the hell out of this soul-sucking corporate job and move on with my life. Its going to be awhile yet before I can make the full switch (see: unemployed husband) but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll share more details when I can but... Its good times y'all.
5) Soul-sucking corporate job. Busy. Very, very busy. Also, did I mention I hate it? And I have a numbingly long commute? To avoid sounding like a broken record I'll stop there (there are plenty of posts in the archives about how much I hate my job) and just say again - busy. Send wine.
Monday, June 06, 2011
Idyllic Tiffany (extinct?)
Y'all. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this... But last night TheHusband and I were catching up on some old episodes of How I Met Your Mother (I freaking LOVE that show) and one episode in particular really has me thinking about my life choices and wanting to make some changes. It was the episode where the gang all goes to this fancy event at the natural History Museum that is sponsored by GNB and Marshall basically tells Lily that he is NOT going to leave his corporate job any time soon to become an environmental lawyer. Basically Lily walks around the rest of the episode lamenting the loss of "college Marshall" and wishing the "current Marshall" was more like him.
At one point during the show I looked over at TheHusband and said "you know, college me would probably beat the living hell out of current me." (Ok I probably said something less PC than that but you get the idea.) And... there in lies the root of the problem. I MISS college me. I miss thinking that I was going to do something worthwhile, something helpful, something I enjoyed and got fulfillment from. I miss that time when I didn't know exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up but I still believed it would be great. I miss the me before I got stuck in this corporate job that I hate, with a commute that I hate, and no way to get out without landing my family in the poor house.
I don't know if it was that same episode or another one we watched last night also (we tend to go on show benders and get addicted) but there was another story line where Marshall's assistant gets fired (I think he's that guy from SNL?) and he's so excited because with his severance package he can finally afford to start the brewery he's always dreamed of. Y'all - I am dead serious when I tell you that I actually sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out if there was any way I could get fired and some how either get a severance package OR just qualify for unemployment for awhile so I could figure out what my dream job is and pursue it. Not that we would survive all that well with BOTH me and the hubs unemployed at the same time but... you know... pipe dream.
Now before you all (all? who I am kidding? either of you?) start thinking I have lost my mind and am planning my future based on TV shows - I have no immediate plans to try and get myself fired from my current job NOR am I planning on letting college-me mentally beat up now-me. But last nights' viewing DID spark a very real and honest conversation with TheHusband about what exactly each of us WANT out of our lives, careers, futures. Which is a good thing no? Because, as my ever so wise and charming husband said "so long as you and I are happy, together, we could be doing anything, living anywhere, poor or rich and we'd be... happy. And happy is all that matters."
Happy is all that matters y'all.
At one point during the show I looked over at TheHusband and said "you know, college me would probably beat the living hell out of current me." (Ok I probably said something less PC than that but you get the idea.) And... there in lies the root of the problem. I MISS college me. I miss thinking that I was going to do something worthwhile, something helpful, something I enjoyed and got fulfillment from. I miss that time when I didn't know exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up but I still believed it would be great. I miss the me before I got stuck in this corporate job that I hate, with a commute that I hate, and no way to get out without landing my family in the poor house.
I don't know if it was that same episode or another one we watched last night also (we tend to go on show benders and get addicted) but there was another story line where Marshall's assistant gets fired (I think he's that guy from SNL?) and he's so excited because with his severance package he can finally afford to start the brewery he's always dreamed of. Y'all - I am dead serious when I tell you that I actually sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out if there was any way I could get fired and some how either get a severance package OR just qualify for unemployment for awhile so I could figure out what my dream job is and pursue it. Not that we would survive all that well with BOTH me and the hubs unemployed at the same time but... you know... pipe dream.
Now before you all (all? who I am kidding? either of you?) start thinking I have lost my mind and am planning my future based on TV shows - I have no immediate plans to try and get myself fired from my current job NOR am I planning on letting college-me mentally beat up now-me. But last nights' viewing DID spark a very real and honest conversation with TheHusband about what exactly each of us WANT out of our lives, careers, futures. Which is a good thing no? Because, as my ever so wise and charming husband said "so long as you and I are happy, together, we could be doing anything, living anywhere, poor or rich and we'd be... happy. And happy is all that matters."
Happy is all that matters y'all.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Thoughts on Lent
I was surprised yesterday by how few people I saw with the ashes on their forehead. I really can't recall a time in my life where I didn't note Ash Wednesday and the passing on Lent to Easter since I basically grew up in the church. Long after I stopped attending church services regularly (or hell, who am I kidding, at all) I still think of the Lent period as a time to... reset?
The most profound teaching I ever received at Lent was many, many years ago but it basically said that Lent isn't so much about giving up something as it is about refocusing your faith and removing, or adding, things to your life in that vein. This is what finally made Lent click for me because I could not for the life of me understand how or why God would care if I gave up deserts or carbs for Lent. I believe this is one of those cases where the true message has gotten lost. Now, if deserts or carbs truly come between you and your relationship with God then I apologize, by all means cut them out and become enlightened, however for the majority of us I don't think this is the case.
So for many years now I've done both - give something up and add something to my life. Something to bring me closer to God, something to make me healthier in heart or mind or both, something educational or, dare I say it, enlightening? Giving up something at Lent is a perfect trial run to actually giving that item up on a long term basis so I still do it, but the adding of something to my daily routine for 46 odd days is where I feel the most growth.
Last year I gave up the following for Lent: cigarettes (unsuccessfully I might add), red meat (somewhat more successfully) and Facebook (100% successful!). I gave up all of those things because in one way or another I felt they were holding me back physically or emotionally from some other idea I had for my life. In addition, I added a daily Bible study (somewhat successful) and some quiet "me time" every day (100% successful). The Bible thing I'm still working on (though that's another post for another day) but as I struggle to reconcile the faith of my childhood to the truth of my adult existence I thought adding back in some good old fashioned Bible reading wouldn't hurt. I gave up Facebook because it is a soul-sucking, time-waste and I really should spend much, much less time refreshing my status feed than I do. Interestingly enough, giving up Facebook was the hardest thing I've ever successfully done for 46 days. I am not proud that I missed it so flippin much - more proud that even when I realized how much I missed it that I still stayed away!
This year I'm giving up beer (again) and cigarettes (also, again). I'm giving up beer because I'm really struggling with losing weight right now and I KNOW that the drinking doesn't help but I can't (won't?) give it up all together because in my own little screwed up way I feel like surviving through massive amounts of stress every day entitles me to the evening glass of wine. I just want to limit it to the evening glass of wine, or the weekend glasses if I'm being fair, and stop with the crack a beer at noon cause I'm bored and drink all damn day bit. The cigs... well THAT I am not proud of. I quit y'all - like legit quit smoking - finally! And then the husband lost his job... What can I say? When the world feels overwhelming all I really want is to sit somewhere with some friends and drink wine (see above) and smoke cigarettes. I wish I didn't love it so, but I do. Anyway, I need to quit again (before TheBoy kills me) and I figure this is a good enough starting point as any.
As for the thing I'm adding? This year its daily yoga and meditation. Pretty much the same reasons as last year - just trying something new... I wonder sometimes if I'm destined to always be studying and chasing after knowledge or if I'll ever just be content to "be". Maybe I'll know more in 46 days?
What are you giving up or doing for Lent?
The most profound teaching I ever received at Lent was many, many years ago but it basically said that Lent isn't so much about giving up something as it is about refocusing your faith and removing, or adding, things to your life in that vein. This is what finally made Lent click for me because I could not for the life of me understand how or why God would care if I gave up deserts or carbs for Lent. I believe this is one of those cases where the true message has gotten lost. Now, if deserts or carbs truly come between you and your relationship with God then I apologize, by all means cut them out and become enlightened, however for the majority of us I don't think this is the case.
So for many years now I've done both - give something up and add something to my life. Something to bring me closer to God, something to make me healthier in heart or mind or both, something educational or, dare I say it, enlightening? Giving up something at Lent is a perfect trial run to actually giving that item up on a long term basis so I still do it, but the adding of something to my daily routine for 46 odd days is where I feel the most growth.
Last year I gave up the following for Lent: cigarettes (unsuccessfully I might add), red meat (somewhat more successfully) and Facebook (100% successful!). I gave up all of those things because in one way or another I felt they were holding me back physically or emotionally from some other idea I had for my life. In addition, I added a daily Bible study (somewhat successful) and some quiet "me time" every day (100% successful). The Bible thing I'm still working on (though that's another post for another day) but as I struggle to reconcile the faith of my childhood to the truth of my adult existence I thought adding back in some good old fashioned Bible reading wouldn't hurt. I gave up Facebook because it is a soul-sucking, time-waste and I really should spend much, much less time refreshing my status feed than I do. Interestingly enough, giving up Facebook was the hardest thing I've ever successfully done for 46 days. I am not proud that I missed it so flippin much - more proud that even when I realized how much I missed it that I still stayed away!
This year I'm giving up beer (again) and cigarettes (also, again). I'm giving up beer because I'm really struggling with losing weight right now and I KNOW that the drinking doesn't help but I can't (won't?) give it up all together because in my own little screwed up way I feel like surviving through massive amounts of stress every day entitles me to the evening glass of wine. I just want to limit it to the evening glass of wine, or the weekend glasses if I'm being fair, and stop with the crack a beer at noon cause I'm bored and drink all damn day bit. The cigs... well THAT I am not proud of. I quit y'all - like legit quit smoking - finally! And then the husband lost his job... What can I say? When the world feels overwhelming all I really want is to sit somewhere with some friends and drink wine (see above) and smoke cigarettes. I wish I didn't love it so, but I do. Anyway, I need to quit again (before TheBoy kills me) and I figure this is a good enough starting point as any.
As for the thing I'm adding? This year its daily yoga and meditation. Pretty much the same reasons as last year - just trying something new... I wonder sometimes if I'm destined to always be studying and chasing after knowledge or if I'll ever just be content to "be". Maybe I'll know more in 46 days?
What are you giving up or doing for Lent?
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Winning!
So what if, while you're in the middle of trying to rob Peter to pay Paul, Paul calls and says that actually you owe him twice the amount you originally thought due to delayed payments AND THEN Peter calls and is all "where the f&#@ is my money?" Theoretically that could happen right?
Yesterday on the way home I realized that I did not have enough gas in my car to make it to work and back for the remainder of this week. Since we're flat broke this is more of an issue than you might initially think. There is NO. MONEY. None at all. Not to mention... when did gas get so expensive again? Blah. So I got home and brought up my conundrum the TheBoy to see if he had any thoughts on what to do because as much as I would love to, I can't just call out sick for the rest of the week.
In true, head-in-sand, fingers-in-ears, la-la-la-la-la I can't hear you, form since we couldn't immediately figure out a way to get me to work we decided to think about it over some wine and beer pong. (yes I understand that technically should be called "wine pong" but it doesn't sound as nice right?) Sometime during the second match TheBoy looked at me and with a huge smile on his face, said "rototiller!" Apparently my reaction was sufficiently confused because he quickly went on to explain that we could siphon gas from the rototiller in to my car and that it should be enough to get me to and from work for the next two days.
Y'all. My husband is a genius!
Turns out siphoning gas isn't as easy as it sounds but TheBoy did finally manage to get me about a quarter tank by the time I had to leave this morning so off I went. Until my car died. Again. Totally unrelated to the amount of gas I have or do not have in the tank my car has been having other "issues" in the last couple of months. First we thought it was the battery, but no. Then a series of a couple other things, but no. And I am SO bummed because I JUST got my car back late last week from TheBoy who thought it was fixed! I missed my little car!
So now I have a car that needs repairs which will probably cost money that I don't have. Is this what Charlie had in mind with his whole "winning" thing? All I can do is just shake my head and laugh, and then cross my fingers and pray like hell for a financial miracle. :)
Yesterday on the way home I realized that I did not have enough gas in my car to make it to work and back for the remainder of this week. Since we're flat broke this is more of an issue than you might initially think. There is NO. MONEY. None at all. Not to mention... when did gas get so expensive again? Blah. So I got home and brought up my conundrum the TheBoy to see if he had any thoughts on what to do because as much as I would love to, I can't just call out sick for the rest of the week.
In true, head-in-sand, fingers-in-ears, la-la-la-la-la I can't hear you, form since we couldn't immediately figure out a way to get me to work we decided to think about it over some wine and beer pong. (yes I understand that technically should be called "wine pong" but it doesn't sound as nice right?) Sometime during the second match TheBoy looked at me and with a huge smile on his face, said "rototiller!" Apparently my reaction was sufficiently confused because he quickly went on to explain that we could siphon gas from the rototiller in to my car and that it should be enough to get me to and from work for the next two days.
Y'all. My husband is a genius!
Turns out siphoning gas isn't as easy as it sounds but TheBoy did finally manage to get me about a quarter tank by the time I had to leave this morning so off I went. Until my car died. Again. Totally unrelated to the amount of gas I have or do not have in the tank my car has been having other "issues" in the last couple of months. First we thought it was the battery, but no. Then a series of a couple other things, but no. And I am SO bummed because I JUST got my car back late last week from TheBoy who thought it was fixed! I missed my little car!
So now I have a car that needs repairs which will probably cost money that I don't have. Is this what Charlie had in mind with his whole "winning" thing? All I can do is just shake my head and laugh, and then cross my fingers and pray like hell for a financial miracle. :)
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