Monday, February 28, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 12

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

This is going to sound really vain and superficial but… Well, whatever, it is honest. The one thing I never get complimented on (and wish I would) is being beautiful or sexy. And y’all it has been my heart’s desire for as long as I can remember to be sexy. Not cute (which I occasionally get) or pretty, not funny or smart or laid back, damn it, I want to be sexy! Alas, it seems that will never be.

I recently started thinking that this sort of innate inability to be sexy might have something to do with my lackadaisical attitude towards fitness and diet. Because really? What’s the point of starving myself into a size 0, or sweating out umpteen miles a week on the treadmill, if it’s not going to get me what I want in the end anyway. Even when I was at my thinnest the only compliment I ever got was that I looked “sporty”. WTF is that? Sporty does not equal sexy – I don’t care who you are!

Maybe I read too many trashy romance novels when I was younger? You know the ones, where the heroine is tragically gorgeous and some handsome man is so over-taken with desire for her that they can’t seem to keep away from each other even though they should? Yeah. I know, I know. Fiction!

I read somewhere that Beyonce has a “sexy” alter-ego (because she isn’t sexy enough already?) and I’m thinking maybe that’s what I need? Although, considering I can’t even THINK about my alter-ego without giggling, I’m not sure how convincing I could be. Perhaps because I’ve been un-sexy for so long I no longer possess the skills to BE sexy? More likely I never had them at all!

(yes – this post is tongue-in-cheek – just to clear up any confusion)

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. - done
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Friday, February 25, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 11

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Well. It used to be my hair. I had long, wavy, blonde hair and TONS of it. But then I donated 14” to Locks of Love and now all I get are “Wow! What a big change!” and “Oooh... I hear the bob is coming back!” neither of which sounds particularly like a compliment. Whatever, its just hair, and thankfully mine grows fast and thick. Moving on!

See. The thing is… I am terrible at taking a compliment gracefully. I’m sure there have been compliments over the years which I promptly dismissed and forgot about. It’s a gift.

Lots of people compliment me on my shoes, which I think is a combination of the fact that a) I have an inordinate amount of shoes (shoes are my crack) and b) I wear a size 5 and everything is cuter when it’s tiny. Of course to that I say a) I’m broke and b) its hard as hell to find cute shoes in a size 5. Seriously, check it out next time you go shopping. Unless you wear size 6 through 10 you are S.O.L. at most shoe stores. Thank the baby Jesus for the internets!

TheBoy often says that I am the kindest person he knows. I don’t know if he means it as a compliment necessarily but I always take it that way. He’s not super verbal with his affections (hell, who am I kidding, he’s not super affectionate period) but since he’s mentioned it more than once I think he must honestly believe it no? Good thing he doesn’t listen into the girl talk! But seriously, growing up I felt that so many people in my life were just plain old-fashioned mean to me. I know kids will be kids and all that but really? Why be mean? Life is so much nicer when we’re all trying to be kind to one another.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 10

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Okay I’ve avoided this day long enough. It isn’t that I don’t WANT to write about someone I wish I didn’t know really… it’s that I don’t KNOW anyone I wish I didn’t! And well, that sentence right there pretty much kills this whole post. BO-RING!

pfft

Then, while speaking to TheBoy earlier today, I had an epiphany! While there isn’t someone in particular I need to let go or wish I didn’t know there are several “types” of people I wish I had never met. So! Onwards…

The one type of person that I truly can not abide and therefore have made numerous efforts to remove from my life are those who are overly judgmental. Now I’m not talking about the general judging that folks will do when someone, say, shows up at work in crocs (with socks!) or even the silent eye-rolling that accompanies people who let their children run wild and screaming in crowded places such as Costco. I think everyone, this girl included, is guilty of making a rash, snap judgment about someone based on superficial evidence. I’m not saying its OK mind, just saying I get it and often succumb to it myself.

I’m talking about the seriously harmful judgmental behavior from people who can not possibly understand what it is like to walk a mile in the shoes of someone they’ve condemned. I’m talking homophobia, sexism, racism, and judgments based on economic factors or mental/emotional states. As sad as it is, I’ve known many people over the years that are judgmental in this way. When I was younger (and presumably didn’t know any better) I sat back quietly and watched while people who were considered elder/wiser than me tried to “convert” people out of homosexuality. I’ve heard people actually justify their racist behavior or words. I’ve sat silently while my peers are judged because their families don’t make a lot of money, or drive the latest cars or buy their clothes from the trendiest shops.

Through all of that I stifled the voice inside my head that KNEW this behavior was wrong and sat quietly by hoping to one day understand why these behaviors were considered right. Instead what I did was extricate myself from that entire group and have proceeded to turn my back on any additional behaviors of these sorts that I just can not, in good conscience, tolerate. I suppose this makes me a little intolerant myself. I’ve often joked that I am “intolerant of intolerance” but truly I can not understand. I do NOT understand. How can behaving in this way be “Christ like”? How can people use such a historical and sacred text as the Bible to justify their hatred towards their fellow man today?

Man. Apparently I could rant about this subject for days. DAYS y’all. But I shall not. At least you got a slightly more interesting post than Day 8 though! Cheers to that!

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Monday, February 21, 2011

What size is your "scope"?

I’m taking a break from the 30 days of truth because a) day 10 is looking like it’ll be another snooze-worthy post like day 8 unless someone seriously pisses me off in the next day or two, b) I’m saving writing about my biological dad again for day 14 and c) I got the below quote from the Dalai Lama the other day on Facebook and it really struck a chord with me. What? I’m totally cyber-friends with His Holiness the Dalai Lama on the interwebs… If for no other reason than I can now say “my friend, His Holiness the Dalai Lama” in casual conversation. Be jealous. Or, you know, go friend request him on FB. You too can name drop!

The more you think about your own self, the more self-centered you are, the more trouble even small problems can create in your mind. The stronger your sense of ‘I’, the narrower the scope of your thinking becomes; then even small obstacles become unbearable. On the other hand, if you concern yourself mainly with others, the broader your thinking becomes, and life’s inevitable difficulties disturb you less.

So. This is an interesting concept I’ve been thinking about for a few weeks now because, frankly, the little day to day annoyances in my life consume my thinking. In fact, my own personal whiney mantra these days has been “why bother”. I know. But seriously? I wake up ridiculously early every morning to work out but haven’t lost a single flipping pound and I hurt all the time. Then I come home and make breakfast for me and the hubby (possibly my favorite time of day regardless of TheBoy’s inability to do much other than grunt appreciatively in to his eggs) and get ready to go to work. Commuting to work takes me anywhere between 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic and, while I am really quite good at this job and I adore my boss, I really kind of hate what I do for a living. So there’s that – spending the majority of my waking hours doing something I do not love. Then I sit in the car for another 1.5 to 2.5 hours, maybe take a yoga class or go for a run, then clean up the house a bit, cook dinner and (if I’m lucky) spend half an hour or so unwinding with TheBoy on the couch before I have to get to bed early so I can wake up tomorrow and do it again. And I KNOW I sound like a whiney, ungrateful bitch but the sheer… mundane nature and general unfairness of not living a life I love gets to me. A lot.

But I’m not sure that thinking more globally is the answer either. How can I concern myself with the happiness and well-being of others when I can’t even get my own stuff figured out? I keep trying to remember to be thankful that I have a job, any job at all, right now much less one that pays me reasonably well and with a boss I love. But that thinking gets really hard to maintain when I’m stuck in traffic or dealing with a particularly self-absorbed client. Do I just need to stay focused? Is there such a thing as “reverse” blinders so that I can only focus on the world outside and ignore the details of my own personal existence? And is that really the way to go about living? Ignore the parts of your life that you hate and focus on the greater good? Because most days I really feel like life’s obstacles are unbearable… And I HATE thinking like that. My inner Susie Sunshine is rebelling.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 9 (finally)

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I knew that eventually I’d address this topic in writing; I just wasn’t quite prepared for it to come so soon. The truth is that in the last three years or so I’ve let the vast majority of my girlfriends “drift”. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made, to end friendships with women who used to know me better than I knew myself, but rather just a shifting of priorities (theirs and mine) that drove us so far away from one another that now… Now it feels like there is no going back. That thought doesn’t make me sad really, more nostalgic I guess, for the days gone by and the woman I used to be.

If someone had asked me four or five years ago who the main characters in my life would be today I would have been completely wrong (except in the case of TheHusband, my Mama and maybe one or two others). There are the friends I swore I’d have forever who are now more like strangers, the acquaintances that are now dearer to me than I could have ever imagined, and the new women I’ve met who challenge me to be a better person, just by knowing them. And I don’t regret the change, I can’t regret it, because I am a far happier, stronger, better person today because of the people who stuck around when the going got tough, or met me when the shit was literally hitting the fan and coating everyone and everything in a mile radius of me and pursued a friendship with me regardless.

I suppose if I stop to think about it, that it does make me sad that some of the women who swore I was like a sister to them were nowhere around when I truly NEEDED a sister. But I get that life happens and that we can’t expect our friends to put their lives on hold to help us when the chips are down. I get that we can’t EXPECT that but the truth is that I DID expect it because I had always been the type of friend to drop everything to rush to the side of a friend in need. Which is my bad, I suppose, and not theirs. But now? Now that I’m finally on the tail end (God willing – please, please, please) of the hardest, scariest and plain old fucking most awful days of my life thus far? Now I don’t need them. And all truth be told I don’t want them either. There were too many (unforgiveable?) things done, too many times they were moments away from me and yet never thought to call or stop by to see how I was doing, too many times when I could have used a hug, a text, an email, and none of those things ever came.

Or not that they never came… They just came from unexpected places. Wonderful, new, supportive places, but not from where I had thought I had the right to expect them to come.

When I first moved (back) to California I went to a very small school, attached to a very small church, that became almost an instant family for me. I particularly fell in love with a little girl about 4 or 5 years younger than me. She became the little sister I never had and I loved her to death. I would babysit for her and her brother regularly even though I LOATHED babysitting (some things never change eh?) because it wasn’t really awkward or uncomfortable with her. She was, long before Austin Powers, my mini-me. When I made the difficult decision to leave that church family after almost 6 years after High School, I was particularly sad to be missing out on watching my little girl grow up. Her dad pulled me aside at one point and told me, in essence, how disappointed they were that after all the mutual time and effort we had put in to nurturing this big sister/little sister relationship that I wouldn’t be around. Disappointed didn’t even BEGIN to explain how I felt. Devastated would be closer.

But now I understand a little more the other side. It wasn’t that I no longer loved her or wanted to be a part of her life and watch her grow and fall in and out of love and learn all of life’s million little lessons. It wasn’t about her really at all, which may have been my biggest mistake – not considering her more in the situation. It was all about me… My decision, my life path, my need to get away. The consequence of THAT action being that I missed all of it, and now that my little girl is a grown woman in her own right and we should be the best of friends, sisters even, we are instead more like strangers. Sure, we keep in touch, but I’m not the confidant I once was, I’m not involved in her life in any way, and it kills me. Truly. But it helps me understand that having people drift in and out of your life is a part of it, and life really does goes on.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 8

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Now I don’t know if I’ve lived a charmed life or what but for the life of me I can’t think of a single specific person that has made my life hell or treated me like shit. Granted there were the typical bullies in elementary school or drama with girls in Jr. High and High School but I wouldn’t say any of them made my life hell. Even the worst of the worst break ups didn’t leave me feeling like my life was hell (though enough of them ended with one or the other of us treating each other like shit).

Hmmm… Well that was boring wasn’t it?

Though. On a sort of similar topic, I read a really disturbing news item on CNN earlier about seven teenaged boys who jumped another boy on the way home from school. Seriously? What the hell is wrong with people? Not only did these seven boys gang up on this other kid and beat him senseless, they also recorded it with the intent of posting it to social networking sites AND at least one individual witnessed the beating and did not call 911 even though the victim was crying for help. Are you freaking kidding me? Shit like that KILLS me – it seems like such a sad, sad time to be a kid right now!

And, in other depressing kid-related news, a couple weeks ago (I think) I heard an Amber Alert on the radio while I was driving home from work about a little boy who had literally been ripped out of his grandmother’s arms by his mother’s ex-boyfriend. The ex was not the kid’s dad but the mom is pregnant with another child that IS the ex-boyfriend’s. It now looks like they found the kid’s body this morning in the Delta (where TheHusband and I regularly wake-board during the summer). Can you imagine? I know it was na├»ve but I really was hoping for a happy ending in this case. The mom seemed to believe that, while the relationship ended because the guy was abusive, he wouldn’t harm her son and I SO wanted to believe her!

People wonder why I have absolutely zero interest in having kids…

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself