30 Days of Truth - Day 14

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)


Dear You,

Been a long time, right? I bet you’re as surprised to hear from me and I am to (hypothetically) be writing you this letter. You’ve actually been in my thoughts quite a bit lately, for reasons that are most likely obvious. Please know that, for all the pain you caused and the anger I’ve held on to towards you, I would never wish for your family to be going through what it is going through at this moment. If I felt capable of prayer I’d pray for you. Instead I just think tons of positive thoughts and send lots of love and mental hugs your way. I think maybe this situation has helped me realize that anger over the past is pointless. The love I once felt for your family is as real now as it ever was. I guess this is what they mean by real forgiveness. I haven’t forgotten, will probably never forget, but I’ve forgiven you and it really and truly no longer matters.

I guess the reason I held on to my anger for so long was that you were one of the first people I ever truly tried to be myself around. Not all the time, mind, but occasionally. I’d let my carefully constructed walls down and let you in. I thought you loved me unconditionally. But the truth is you only loved me so long as I was the perfect kid. You wanted me to be a little mini-you, a leader, and an example for the others. But I couldn’t be that. The stress of it was literally killing me. And after you knew that, that I wasn’t perfect, that I was ill, all I ever felt was disappointment from you. Like I’d let you down? You let ME down.

But, as they say, time heals everything. I’ll never forget the moment when I realized that I was older than you had been when we met. I couldn’t even fathom taking on the responsibilities that you had! To me. To all of us. When I reached that age I thought I’d have everything figured out. That life would make sense and I’d have direction and I’d be on my way to some place… greater. But actually I was just as confused as I ever was, struggling to make ends meet and find direction, find purpose for my life. But you already had a purpose for your life at that age. I am almost jealous that you knew from such a young age what you wanted in life. That you knew how you were meant to change the world. But I imagine that drive came with its own stress. And, with something very like poetic justice, I forgave you for not being perfect. Just how I wished you could have forgiven me all those years ago.

Now I only focus on the fond memories. The camping trips, the love of backpacking, my passion for cooking and feeding people, my love of music (and a penchant for the classics)… I owe all of those things to you and your family. You let me down. But I’m brave enough to admit that I let you down too. And both of us were too young to address it properly at the time. But I love you, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Sincerely,
Me

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. - done
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) - done
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter) - done
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why?
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 13

Thought I'd pick this thing up where I left off and then promptly remembered why I'd stopped where I did.  Good lord some of this truth stuff is hard!

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)


Dear Alecia,

I know, I know, I’m taking a huge liberty in calling you by your given name but, while pink IS my signature color, I have this sneaking suspicion that your BFFs don’t call you by your stage name and since I seriously think we could be BFFs… Anyway, I hope you don’t mind! Because seriously, if your lyrics are as personal to you as they have been to ME, we are living the same life. We’re even of similar age (I’m slightly older but I’d deny that in public).

LA told me, "You'll be a pop star, all you have to change is everything you are."
*Don’t Let Me Get Me, Missundaztood 2001

Oh man did I feel this lyric… I spent most of my teenage years trying (and failing miserably) to be someone I wasn’t, to fit in to the mold of who I thought people wanted me to be. Turns out I was just making people upset because I wasn’t what they wanted and making myself miserable because I was trying to be something I’m just… not. I used to blare this song, driving around with the top down in my car and think, “f@$% that! Everything I am is perfect!”

Run just as fast as I can, To the middle of nowhere, To the middle of my frustrated fears, And I swear you're just like a pill, 'Stead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill, You keep makin' me ill
*Just Like a Pill, Missundaztood 2001

This song made me realize just how toxic my relationship was with my ex. You know how, after you’ve spent so much time with someone, and at such a young age, you start to literally think you can’t go on without them in your life? No matter how toxic and belittling they are to you? Yeah. Me too. Thanks for making me realize that those types of relationships are just about as good for me as a drug addiction. This song was Step 1 in my 12 step program to get out of that for good.

If someone said three years from now, You'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, Cause they're all wrong
*Who Knew, I’m Not Dead 2006

This song hit the airwaves right as my long-term relationship with a live-in-boyfriend was crumbling around me. It was so lonely there in that place… Where everyone looks at your relationship and thinks it’s so perfect, when YOU thought it was so perfect. Sometimes perceptions are deceiving. After thinking something was going to last forever, the thought that it might not was a heavy burden to bear alone. Who knew?

I guess I just lost my husband, I don’t know where he went, So I’m going to drink my money, I’m not going to pay his rent… I’m alright, I’m just fine, And you’re a tool, So, so what, I am a rock star, I got my rock moves, and I don’t need you tonight
*So What, Funhouse 2008

Long-term relationship turned marriage. God I felt for you when I heard you and Carey had separated. Every emotion that came out of this song echoed SO close to home for me. I used to just sit in my car and listen to this whole album on repeat, over and over. When I heard you guys got back together and we’re making a go of it I started to have hope that my husband and I could make a clean start and move on also. If someone else can come back from something like that surely so can I right?

I don’t wanna be the girl that laughs the loudest, Or the girl who never wants to be alone, I don’t wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence, The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth, When its good then its good, its so good til it goes bad, til you’re trying to find the you that you once had
*Sober, Funhouse 2008

I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of really anything, I can cut you in to pieces, But my heart is broken, How did I become so obnoxious? What is it with you that makes me act like this? I’ve never been this nasty
*Please Don’t Leave Me, Funhouse 2008

Did you intentionally name this album Funhouse because it dealt with so many un-fun topics? I’ve always wondered since I myself am so fond of the sarcasm. Also, I sort of wondered if you had been spying on me for these songs. Did you know that they, word for word, emotion for emotion, describe me? Just for the record, this is the only time I have ever admitted any of these things out loud. I hadn’t even admitted them to myself and then (holy hell woman) there you were just standing on stage at the AMA’s singing Sober, ripping my heart out.

I guess I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for all the snarky, hilarious songs that make me want to sing along and act like a crazy person in my car. Thanks for all the soul-bearing lyrics that truly touched me. Thanks for… making me feel like I’m not the only too-loud, non-people pleasing but perfectly normal person out there. Thanks for making me feel like a rock star.

Sincerely (really),

Tiffany



*****



Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. - done
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) - done
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 12

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

This is going to sound really vain and superficial but… Well, whatever, it is honest. The one thing I never get complimented on (and wish I would) is being beautiful or sexy. And y’all it has been my heart’s desire for as long as I can remember to be sexy. Not cute (which I occasionally get) or pretty, not funny or smart or laid back, damn it, I want to be sexy! Alas, it seems that will never be.

I recently started thinking that this sort of innate inability to be sexy might have something to do with my lackadaisical attitude towards fitness and diet. Because really? What’s the point of starving myself into a size 0, or sweating out umpteen miles a week on the treadmill, if it’s not going to get me what I want in the end anyway. Even when I was at my thinnest the only compliment I ever got was that I looked “sporty”. WTF is that? Sporty does not equal sexy – I don’t care who you are!

Maybe I read too many trashy romance novels when I was younger? You know the ones, where the heroine is tragically gorgeous and some handsome man is so over-taken with desire for her that they can’t seem to keep away from each other even though they should? Yeah. I know, I know. Fiction!

I read somewhere that Beyonce has a “sexy” alter-ego (because she isn’t sexy enough already?) and I’m thinking maybe that’s what I need? Although, considering I can’t even THINK about my alter-ego without giggling, I’m not sure how convincing I could be. Perhaps because I’ve been un-sexy for so long I no longer possess the skills to BE sexy? More likely I never had them at all!

(yes – this post is tongue-in-cheek – just to clear up any confusion)

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. - done
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 11

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Well. It used to be my hair. I had long, wavy, blonde hair and TONS of it. But then I donated 14” to Locks of Love and now all I get are “Wow! What a big change!” and “Oooh... I hear the bob is coming back!” neither of which sounds particularly like a compliment. Whatever, its just hair, and thankfully mine grows fast and thick. Moving on!

See. The thing is… I am terrible at taking a compliment gracefully. I’m sure there have been compliments over the years which I promptly dismissed and forgot about. It’s a gift.

Lots of people compliment me on my shoes, which I think is a combination of the fact that a) I have an inordinate amount of shoes (shoes are my crack) and b) I wear a size 5 and everything is cuter when it’s tiny. Of course to that I say a) I’m broke and b) its hard as hell to find cute shoes in a size 5. Seriously, check it out next time you go shopping. Unless you wear size 6 through 10 you are S.O.L. at most shoe stores. Thank the baby Jesus for the internets!

TheBoy often says that I am the kindest person he knows. I don’t know if he means it as a compliment necessarily but I always take it that way. He’s not super verbal with his affections (hell, who am I kidding, he’s not super affectionate period) but since he’s mentioned it more than once I think he must honestly believe it no? Good thing he doesn’t listen into the girl talk! But seriously, growing up I felt that so many people in my life were just plain old-fashioned mean to me. I know kids will be kids and all that but really? Why be mean? Life is so much nicer when we’re all trying to be kind to one another.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 10

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Okay I’ve avoided this day long enough. It isn’t that I don’t WANT to write about someone I wish I didn’t know really… it’s that I don’t KNOW anyone I wish I didn’t! And well, that sentence right there pretty much kills this whole post. BO-RING!

pfft

Then, while speaking to TheBoy earlier today, I had an epiphany! While there isn’t someone in particular I need to let go or wish I didn’t know there are several “types” of people I wish I had never met. So! Onwards…

The one type of person that I truly can not abide and therefore have made numerous efforts to remove from my life are those who are overly judgmental. Now I’m not talking about the general judging that folks will do when someone, say, shows up at work in crocs (with socks!) or even the silent eye-rolling that accompanies people who let their children run wild and screaming in crowded places such as Costco. I think everyone, this girl included, is guilty of making a rash, snap judgment about someone based on superficial evidence. I’m not saying its OK mind, just saying I get it and often succumb to it myself.

I’m talking about the seriously harmful judgmental behavior from people who can not possibly understand what it is like to walk a mile in the shoes of someone they’ve condemned. I’m talking homophobia, sexism, racism, and judgments based on economic factors or mental/emotional states. As sad as it is, I’ve known many people over the years that are judgmental in this way. When I was younger (and presumably didn’t know any better) I sat back quietly and watched while people who were considered elder/wiser than me tried to “convert” people out of homosexuality. I’ve heard people actually justify their racist behavior or words. I’ve sat silently while my peers are judged because their families don’t make a lot of money, or drive the latest cars or buy their clothes from the trendiest shops.

Through all of that I stifled the voice inside my head that KNEW this behavior was wrong and sat quietly by hoping to one day understand why these behaviors were considered right. Instead what I did was extricate myself from that entire group and have proceeded to turn my back on any additional behaviors of these sorts that I just can not, in good conscience, tolerate. I suppose this makes me a little intolerant myself. I’ve often joked that I am “intolerant of intolerance” but truly I can not understand. I do NOT understand. How can behaving in this way be “Christ like”? How can people use such a historical and sacred text as the Bible to justify their hatred towards their fellow man today?

Man. Apparently I could rant about this subject for days. DAYS y’all. But I shall not. At least you got a slightly more interesting post than Day 8 though! Cheers to that!

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 9 (finally)

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I knew that eventually I’d address this topic in writing; I just wasn’t quite prepared for it to come so soon. The truth is that in the last three years or so I’ve let the vast majority of my girlfriends “drift”. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made, to end friendships with women who used to know me better than I knew myself, but rather just a shifting of priorities (theirs and mine) that drove us so far away from one another that now… Now it feels like there is no going back. That thought doesn’t make me sad really, more nostalgic I guess, for the days gone by and the woman I used to be.

If someone had asked me four or five years ago who the main characters in my life would be today I would have been completely wrong (except in the case of TheHusband, my Mama and maybe one or two others). There are the friends I swore I’d have forever who are now more like strangers, the acquaintances that are now dearer to me than I could have ever imagined, and the new women I’ve met who challenge me to be a better person, just by knowing them. And I don’t regret the change, I can’t regret it, because I am a far happier, stronger, better person today because of the people who stuck around when the going got tough, or met me when the shit was literally hitting the fan and coating everyone and everything in a mile radius of me and pursued a friendship with me regardless.

I suppose if I stop to think about it, that it does make me sad that some of the women who swore I was like a sister to them were nowhere around when I truly NEEDED a sister. But I get that life happens and that we can’t expect our friends to put their lives on hold to help us when the chips are down. I get that we can’t EXPECT that but the truth is that I DID expect it because I had always been the type of friend to drop everything to rush to the side of a friend in need. Which is my bad, I suppose, and not theirs. But now? Now that I’m finally on the tail end (God willing – please, please, please) of the hardest, scariest and plain old fucking most awful days of my life thus far? Now I don’t need them. And all truth be told I don’t want them either. There were too many (unforgiveable?) things done, too many times they were moments away from me and yet never thought to call or stop by to see how I was doing, too many times when I could have used a hug, a text, an email, and none of those things ever came.

Or not that they never came… They just came from unexpected places. Wonderful, new, supportive places, but not from where I had thought I had the right to expect them to come.

When I first moved (back) to California I went to a very small school, attached to a very small church, that became almost an instant family for me. I particularly fell in love with a little girl about 4 or 5 years younger than me. She became the little sister I never had and I loved her to death. I would babysit for her and her brother regularly even though I LOATHED babysitting (some things never change eh?) because it wasn’t really awkward or uncomfortable with her. She was, long before Austin Powers, my mini-me. When I made the difficult decision to leave that church family after almost 6 years after High School, I was particularly sad to be missing out on watching my little girl grow up. Her dad pulled me aside at one point and told me, in essence, how disappointed they were that after all the mutual time and effort we had put in to nurturing this big sister/little sister relationship that I wouldn’t be around. Disappointed didn’t even BEGIN to explain how I felt. Devastated would be closer.

But now I understand a little more the other side. It wasn’t that I no longer loved her or wanted to be a part of her life and watch her grow and fall in and out of love and learn all of life’s million little lessons. It wasn’t about her really at all, which may have been my biggest mistake – not considering her more in the situation. It was all about me… My decision, my life path, my need to get away. The consequence of THAT action being that I missed all of it, and now that my little girl is a grown woman in her own right and we should be the best of friends, sisters even, we are instead more like strangers. Sure, we keep in touch, but I’m not the confidant I once was, I’m not involved in her life in any way, and it kills me. Truly. But it helps me understand that having people drift in and out of your life is a part of it, and life really does goes on.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 7

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I have been to some dark, dark places in the last couple of years. Like scared the crap out of myself, thought maybe I was losing my tentative grip on sanity and seriously considering whether life was even worth continuing, dark places. I’ve detoured on the way in to work and driven an hour down a winding country road, wondering if I had the courage to just keep going and never look back. I’ve had complete sobbing, snot-filled break downs in the parking lots of grocery stores, parks and in the driveway of my house. I’ve contemplated, more than once, just holding the wheel straight instead of making the turn at the top of the hill leading in to town. I’m not proud of any of these moments, and frankly wouldn’t mention them at all except for this next part. Always, always when I’ve reached the end of my rope and can’t for the life of me remember why I even am holding on in the first place, I think of my mom.

My mom is the person who makes my life worth living, the one who makes me want to go on living, and the one who gave me life in the first place. I think about how devastated she’d be if I were gone. I think about how unfair it would be to leave her (and more recently, TheHusband) to clean up the utter mess I’ve made of my life, to be responsible for my debts, to have to clean out my belongings. And, even when I can’t come up with a single solitary reason why I should go on living this life that I hate for even one second longer I DO go on, because of her. Because she’d miss me and because I love her and don’t want to cause her pain and because I have tried to be a good daughter (minus some memorable teen angst filled moments in High School) and I don’t want to let her down.

I suppose it is true that a mother’s love is the strongest force on earth.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Okay I’ll admit it; I’ve sat here for several hours with this page up in the background and cursor blinking with absolutely no idea how to write about this topic. Do they mean something I’ve done and hope to never do again? Or, do they mean something hypothetical that I never hope to do ever? Because being in a plane crash doesn't sound like fun... Or finding myself lost in the wilderness alone with no food or water. And who is this mysterious “they”? These things should really come with clearer instructions for us AR types. How can I be an over-achiever if I don’t know the RULES!

Ahem.

Well if I’m going with the premise that I should be writing about something I hope I never have to do again, I hope I never have to lose another friend or family member at far too young an age. I think I’m not the only one when I say that the grief for the death of an elderly person, who has lived a good, long life, while still poignant, is not nearly as overwhelming and universe-crushing as losing someone who is young with their entire lives still ahead of them. Or even just the entire second half of their lives in front of them!

Recently, I lost a close High School friend to cancer in 2009 and a cousin (to medical negligence? that’s a whole other post) in 2010. Both of these deaths affected me tremendously because in the first case I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THIS KID! We are (were?) the SAME AGE! I don’t think that is a reality check so much as a cold bitch-slap across the face. And in the second case, while my cousin was quite a bit older than me, she was still far too young for us to be hearing the words “colostomy bag” and “complications-induced coma”. Also, how terrible for my Aunt to have to bury her daughter… For anyone to have to bury their child.

It really makes you think, re-evaluate if you will, about the impact your life is having on those around you. If I die young, will I be remembered? And by whom? Will I be thought of fondly, with many shared memories to reminisce on by my friends and family? Will there be people out there who feel relief when I’m gone? Or worse, feel nothing at all? Have I left a good legacy behind me in these few years? Have I been kind? Helpful? Selfish? Weak? Will my life be celebrated for the achievements I’ve made? Or will people just mourn my loss and talk about “what could have been”? Not to mention the affect on your health – I am now current on all doctor-type things and never miss a check up. Because what if? You keep hearing that early diagnosis is key right? I find myself passing over French fries for salads and going for runs instead of just web surfing these days. So maybe that’s a good legacy to leave behind?

No matter, I hope to NEVER attend another funeral of someone too young to be gone.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Sorry for the long pause in between posts. I’ve been sidelined with a nasty bladder/kidney infection for the past few days. Y’all. I had no idea how excruciatingly painful a kidney infection could be! Sad times indeed.

*****

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Goodness. There are LOADS of things I hope to do in my life! I hope to start my own business so I can be my own boss because I hate having some arbitrary order giver above me with the power to ruin my life. I hope to be able to work from home so I can wear jeans and NOT commute farther than the guest bedroom/office. In fact, I hope to someday only put a couple hundred miles on my car in any given month instead of thousands. I hope to find something I can be passionate about, something that truly helps people and makes a difference. I hope to find something that is all of those things AND makes enough money that I can live, not lavishly – just comfortably.

I hope to have enough time to volunteer at one of the many organizations near and dear to my heart (and enough money from working for myself that I can take the time away from that to volunteer). I’d like to be involved in the local food banks, or help out at the women’s shelter, or maybe work with animals somehow. I’d like to put some of the skills I’ve acquired to use for good – maybe I can counsel people on how to get control of their finances and buy a home. Maybe I can counsel people in how to shift little things in their diets in order to take control of their health. Do they have a 4H equivalent for grown ups? I’d like to do that. Or volunteer at the library. There are so many things I’d love to be able to do, if only I had the time in the day with my current work/commute schedule or the money to leave this job/commute and move on to something a little more realistic to my life.

I hope to travel, oh the travelling! I can’t even begin to count the books I’ve read based in England, France, Scotland… Places I’ve never been to but can visualize in my head as clear as day. I’d love to go to Italy, to walk among places that are older than I can imagine, to eat fabulous food and drink amazing wines. I’d love to go to Greece, you know one of those places on the coast with the white stucco walls and the amazingly blue waters? Hell I’d even like to travel the US a bit more. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, or to Utah to see those amazing red rocks, or to any of the national parks (except Yosemite – which I’d like to re-visit). I’ve barely travelled at all on the East Coast (with the exception of a few trips to the DC area). I’d love to see Alaska – in the summer – and even spend a bit more time exploring Mexico.

I hope to live someplace where I can have a little land, a garden and a couple dogs running around. Someplace I can afford without having to take out 3 mortgages and ransom off my first born son. (Joke is on them – ha! There will be no first born son!) I’d like to open the windows in my house and not worry about the neighbors being able to see in. I’d like to walk outside and not have the first things I see be traffic and buildings and congestion but instead see trees, wildlife, dogs, and sunshine. I’d like to grow my own tomatoes, veggies and herbs. I’d like to have fruit trees or maybe nut trees or olives. Maybe have a small vineyard… A case or two of wine a year made with love? Dream. Come. True.

I guess mainly I just hope that these days are the worst it is going to get and that eventually I will be able to live a life a little more in line with my dreams. I keep remembering something someone told me at church a long (LONG) time ago – that God would not test me beyond what I could bear. Well either God is angry with me or the Universe is having a grand old time at my expense because this right here? This is pretty much the limit of what I can bear. I’m so done. I’m ready for some good days, some happy times, and some ch-ch-changes!

*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

“Always forgive, but never forget.” – Rootz Underground

Y’all. I am sort of ashamed to admit this. Turns out? I totally hold grudges. I didn’t completely realize it before now… It seems that even though I am able to forgive people for things that hurt me (and I am the QUEEN of seeing it from the other side and justifying people’s actions) it somehow irreparably changes the way I feel about said person. I guess that’s the “never forget” part? But how can I go back to being friends in the same way with someone once I’ve seen how they can hurt me? When you allow someone into your life and give them enough of yourself that they can would you its sort of expected that they will never use those powers for evil right?

Of course the first person that popped in to my head when I read today’s prompt was the sperm donor, AKA my biological father. (My mom HATES when I call him sperm donor – so if you’re reading this – sorry Mama – love you!) But then I realized that I HAVE forgiven him. I’ve forgiven him for never being around because really, we moved around so much when I was younger and we never lived closer than four states away from where he has lived for as long as I can remember. And I know he has never made a TON of money and that regular travel by flight or car and across county is expensive. I’ve forgiven him for not making me more a priority in his life because I understand the man was trying to live a life out there! I KNOW all of these things and so, I am no longer angry with him and I’ve forgiven the pain he caused me growing up.

Except, now that he’s little more than a stranger I have no desire to include him in my life. We could not possibly be more different when it comes to the lives we lead and while he feels some right to judge me or try and change who I am because he is my “father” I feel like I’ve spent enough of my life justifying my beliefs and actions to people and I certainly don’t feel the need to justify them to this judgmental stranger. I wish I could just tell him to remember the good memories that we do have from when I was small. It’s enough for me, and that’s really how I want to remember him, and us. So while I’ve forgiven him, I can not forget and so we can not have a relationship.

And what about various boyfriends over the years with whom I’ve had falling outs, have I forgiven them? Of course I have, life is too short and I’ve clearly moved on and am planning on spending the rest of my life with the man who IS right for me so why waste energy being angry with the past. But. That doesn’t mean I want to be friends with any of them. One ex in particular was quite bent out of shape after having gotten back in touch with me a couple years after our break up when he discovered that I did not ever intend to have a friendship with him again. His arguments that we had been together for so long and had been such a large part of each others childhoods didn’t convince me. Because really, at the end, when he was cheating on me, and lying to me, and purposely trying to hurt me so that I would make it easier on him and break up with HIM, I saw a side of his personality that I can not forget. I told him that I wouldn’t be friends with ANYONE who behaved that way towards another human being and I certainly couldn’t imagine ever truly being friends with someone who behaved that way towards ME. Have I forgiven? Sure. I understand wanting to avoid a conflict and I understand feeling like you want to explore something when you’ve only known one thing your whole life. But I can not forget, so we can not be friends.

Same goes for girl friends. I can only think of one (very notable) exception where I still currently maintain a friendship with someone who hurt me. And it took years and tragedy and a lot of painfully honest conversations for us to build our friendship back. But it’s not the same friendship we had before because neither of us can forget the other’s actions. Instead, we’ve managed to move past them and, I would say, have built a stronger, more honest friendship in spite of past hurts. But like I said, she is the notable exception. Mainly I suppose its an unwillingness on my part to do the work required to repair a friendship that I feel has been broken unless I feel that the other party is equally willing to acknowledge the damage and work to rebuild. And that one time, with that one friend with whom I did rebuild? That shit was HARD! I’m glad I did it to be sure… But it took a lot of time and effort on both of our parts. So I guess it’s easier for me to just let people fade from my life after I’ve been hurt by them. Because while I can forgive, say abandoning me in the toughest, nastiest period of my life (because I didn’t specifically reach out to them) now that I’m on the other side I no longer feel the same about them. I could list millions of examples but I don’t want this to become something where people are reading it and wondering if I’m sending them veiled messages (if you think that – trust me I’m not) but I think I’ve made my point.

Unfortunately, even though I can forgive a multitude of things because I understand the other side (really, I do) I can not forget the way I feel or felt about it and so, we can not be friends. Always forgive because holding on to anger and hate only hurts you more. But never forget, because who is looking out for you if not yourself. Burn me once, right?


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Just for the record, I’m REALLY looking forward to getting through the first 10 days... This is a little more “truth” than I was planning on! Anywho. Onward and upward.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself (or let myself off the hook a little) for all the terrible decisions I’ve made over the last four years that have contributed, directly or indirectly, to the state my life is in at the moment. (read: life sucks and its my own damn fault) Even though I made the decisions I made, and fully believed they were the right choices at the time, I can’t keep kicking myself for how things turned out. I’m starting to feel like I have a little grey thundercloud over my head like Eeyore.

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

Bad decision #1 – I’ve known, probably since somewhere around the one year mark, that I wanted to be TheBoy’s wife. I can’t believe that I met someone that I can be 100% honest with, be exactly myself and no more, who is my best friend, whose company I never tire of. And so, in my typical girl way, I figured we should get married and live happily ever after. TheBoy, on the other hand, I’m still not sure he wants to be married to ME even now, two and a half years after our wedding. The terrible secret is that, even after we discussed getting married, after we had bought our house, even after he bought the damn ring that I picked out and added to his shopping cart and proposed (reluctantly?) in the kitchen of said new house, I KNEW he didn’t want to go through with it.

But.

But I kind of ignored what I knew he wanted and went forward with planning our (ultimately disastrous) wedding and (absolutely perfect) honeymoon. Because I was afraid to tell our family and friends… what? That after 6 years TheBoy STILL wasn’t ready to marry me? That he’d changed his mind? I was afraid what it would mean if I called off our engagement. Should I stop wearing my ring? Would I leave him? How could I stay? What would we do with the house we had just bought? Who would move out? If it was me, where would I go? All of those painful questions were running through my head in an incessant loop and all I could think was, but I love him! I suppose I thought I could love him enough to get us through it and once it was over he’d see how wonderful being married to me would be. I promised myself I’d be the perfect wife and that’d I’d work to make him happy every day. I swore he wouldn’t regret making me his wife.

Bad decision #2 – I suppose in terms of the timeline, this was actually bad decision #1 but whatever, this is my blog and I’ll do what I want to. Even with knowing TheBoy didn’t want to marry me, the one thing I knew he DID want was to own a house. I also knew he wasn’t really in a position to buy without me, personally or financially, and I was firm on the fact I would never own a home with someone I wasn’t married to. I also wasn’t prepared to just move in with him in a home he bought with his mother, and he wasn’t prepared to live with me in a home I bought by myself. So for years we rented and waited, occasionally discussing it, sometimes going to open houses “just to see”.

When the talk finally turned to marriage we made a deal. I’d help us buy a house, together, even before we were engaged, on the assumption that we would BE engaged by the end of the year. This conversation happened in June and we closed escrow on our house in August. We got engaged in September. But you guys know what? I think that house was cursed for us. We were never happy there, not really. I think once it was done and we moved in TheBoy thought the house was insufficient trade off for having to get married. And then we started having issues with our neighborhood. First someone hopped the back fence and stole some tools out of the shed on the side of the house. Then someone came back and broke in to the house proper, stealing the entire safe, all of my jewelry (with the exception of my engagement ring which I was wearing and a necklace my mother made for me when I graduated High School which thankfully was over looked on my nightstand), and the last bit of joy we had in that home. It was maybe six weeks before our wedding.

So, pretty much the second we got back from our wedding I started looking in to selling the house. But the market had gone down and our house that we had purchased less than a year before was now worth $100,000 less than we paid for it. So we waited and thought about making the best of a bad situation. Then our house was vandalized AGAIN while we were gone on our honeymoon so we started talking about selling even MORE earnestly. By then the house was worth $150,000 less, then $200,000 less, then it was worth less than half what we paid for it. This isn’t a unique story I know but there is nothing worse than meeting with a real estate financial planner and being told that it would most likely be a decade before the house was even back up to close to what we paid. A decade?!?! The rest is history, tried to short sale the house, bank wouldn’t agree to either of the offers we presented (we had something like 14 offers total), foreclosure auction before Christmas and finally, moving to a new home, a rental.

But in the back of my mind I can’t help but thinking that all of this, the unhappiness, the financial ruin, the stress, the fights, the tears, ALL of it is my fault. Because I just HAD to get married. You know? And the worst part is that even now, knowing how it all ends, I LOVE being married to TheBoy. I’m proud to be his wife, to share his name, to belong to his family. Too bad I mostly feel like I’m married alone. Turns out there isn’t much happiness in that and its all my fault.


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Wow. Okay so I think it says something about me that writing about something I love about myself is SO MUCH HARDER than writing about something I hate… Hmm. I’m going to channel my inner Scarlett O’Hara and not think about that right now. I’ll think about it tomorrow!

So anyway, what do I love about myself? I guess I love that I’m normally a positive, upbeat kind of gal. Almost annoyingly so I think. But I do work rather hard to be that way… It is why I don’t watch horror movies or listen to Emo “woe is me” music. I prefer to surround myself with positive people and energy and things that make me happy. Life’s too short and all that right? Plus I always want to be a positive, happy influence in the lives of my friends and family. I’m loyal to a fault and while I don’t have many friends, I’m pretty damn determined to keep the ones I’ve got and who wants to hang out with the girl with the blues all the time?

I also like that I’ve managed to build a life for myself built on honesty because it wasn’t always so. As a kid I struggled with really, REALLY wanting to be liked (changing schools and friends every two years is stressful!) so I would err… “embellish” the details somewhat to make myself seem more interesting. To be honest I can’t even really remember why I did it. I DO recall the moment I finally decided to stop lying about things and started trying to figure out who/what I really am and wanted to be. Unfortunately it also coincided with leaving behind a huge portion of my past life because I realized that most of the reason I was so miserable all the time is because I was trying to make myself be something I just can not be. It was hard, and sad, but I’m proud of myself for learning to be honest with myself. It has helped me learn to be honest with everyone in my life. Now if I feel the need to lie about something, I really try and figure out what it is about that situation or that person that’s prompting me to feel like I can’t be honest and figure out a way to change it.


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. – done.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. – done.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

So I initially read about this 30 Days of Truth meme thing back in November and I remember thinking that 30 days of honest blogging would coincide nicely with 30 days in November and NaBloPoMo. Alas, life had other things in mind for me to spend my every waking second stressing over in November (and December… and the first half of January…) so this had to wait. But I still want to do it so here goes! The full list is at the bottom in case you want to play along.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well they certainly start this off with a bang don’t they? To be honest (since that is, after all, the point) Day 1 almost derailed me from doing this whole thing because… well, I kind of hate EVERYTHING about myself. I don’t mean that in the “poor me” way but in a legitimate “if I could change my entire personality and demeanor I might” way. I hate my laugh, how loud I am, the way my mouth operates faster than my brain and I almost always instantly regret anything that I say out loud, the way I talk incessantly… Frankly, I would be hard pressed to be my own friend and I still am kind of awed by all the people in my life who DO stick around and offer me friendship.

But! Then I slowed down and noticed the object was to write about “something” I hate about myself – singular – which didn’t seem nearly as daunting (or depressing). So when I whittle down the list of things I really hate about myself the thing that pops to the top of the list is that I hate, hate, HATE that I am completely unable to self-motivate. It is SO frustrating to me that I can be completely miserable about any number of aspects of my life and yet nothing seems to spur me on to actually change anything.

For example, losing weight and getting in to shape. Y’all. I can literally not stand to see myself naked. Even when I am home alone and there is no chance TheHusband will see me, I still remain fully clothed until the last possible second when I have to get in the shower and I wrap myself up in a towel and robe the second I get out so that I won’t have to see how fat and disgusting I look in the mirror while I do my hair and/or make-up. Seriously. I completely gross myself out. And yet? That alone does not seem to be enough to motivate me to actually do anything about it. I mean, I’m working out with a trainer and have been for almost two months. You know how much weight I’ve lost? ZERO POUNDS!! I mean come on here! And every time we weigh in and the trainer expresses her disbelief that I have yet to lose a single freaking pound I know exactly why I haven’t lost but I STILL don’t change. I know I need to change the way I eat. I know I need to get more cardio. I know I need to get back into a regular yoga practice instead of this haphazard, sporadic one I’ve got going on now. I know all these things. And I know that if I’m not going to commit to this 100% that I’m basically just throwing money away every month that we can’t afford to waste. But none of those things motivates me to change.

Or, how about the job situation? It is no secret that I hate what I do for a living. I love my boss, I love (most of) my co-workers, I have great hours, work from home on Fridays and I’m really, really good at what I do. But I still hate it. When I was a little girl I never in a million years would have thought I’d end up stuck in a corporate dead end job, helping the rich get richer, and with very little (if not zero) sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Not to sound like a crazy hippie liberal here but I thought I was going to do something worthwhile, make a difference, help people. I thought I’d work for myself, or at least work for a small company where everyone knows each other like family. I thought I’d feel like I was really helping people who needed it – that I’d have something to offer! Instead every day I feel like I am just wasting time, waiting for the financial situation on the home front to improve so I don’t have to stay in this job just because we need to money. I HATE feeling like I’m wasting my life! I’m much more of a “seize the moment because you can’t ever get it back” type of girl and this? This being stuck and not being able to find a way out? But I’m completely unmotivated to find a new job. Because everything I think I might like to do either a) doesn’t make enough money for me/us to live on here in the Bay Area, or b) would require further education on my part that costs a boat load of money that we don’t have, or c) some combination of both a and b. And when I start thinking about it I just get depressed and even more unmotivated!


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - Done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself