Monday, August 13, 2012

30 Days of Truth - Day 14

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)


Dear You,

Been a long time, right? I bet you’re as surprised to hear from me and I am to (hypothetically) be writing you this letter. You’ve actually been in my thoughts quite a bit lately, for reasons that are most likely obvious. Please know that, for all the pain you caused and the anger I’ve held on to towards you, I would never wish for your family to be going through what it is going through at this moment. If I felt capable of prayer I’d pray for you. Instead I just think tons of positive thoughts and send lots of love and mental hugs your way. I think maybe this situation has helped me realize that anger over the past is pointless. The love I once felt for your family is as real now as it ever was. I guess this is what they mean by real forgiveness. I haven’t forgotten, will probably never forget, but I’ve forgiven you and it really and truly no longer matters.

I guess the reason I held on to my anger for so long was that you were one of the first people I ever truly tried to be myself around. Not all the time, mind, but occasionally. I’d let my carefully constructed walls down and let you in. I thought you loved me unconditionally. But the truth is you only loved me so long as I was the perfect kid. You wanted me to be a little mini-you, a leader, and an example for the others. But I couldn’t be that. The stress of it was literally killing me. And after you knew that, that I wasn’t perfect, that I was ill, all I ever felt was disappointment from you. Like I’d let you down? You let ME down.

But, as they say, time heals everything. I’ll never forget the moment when I realized that I was older than you had been when we met. I couldn’t even fathom taking on the responsibilities that you had! To me. To all of us. When I reached that age I thought I’d have everything figured out. That life would make sense and I’d have direction and I’d be on my way to some place… greater. But actually I was just as confused as I ever was, struggling to make ends meet and find direction, find purpose for my life. But you already had a purpose for your life at that age. I am almost jealous that you knew from such a young age what you wanted in life. That you knew how you were meant to change the world. But I imagine that drive came with its own stress. And, with something very like poetic justice, I forgave you for not being perfect. Just how I wished you could have forgiven me all those years ago.

Now I only focus on the fond memories. The camping trips, the love of backpacking, my passion for cooking and feeding people, my love of music (and a penchant for the classics)… I owe all of those things to you and your family. You let me down. But I’m brave enough to admit that I let you down too. And both of us were too young to address it properly at the time. But I love you, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Sincerely,
Me

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. - done
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - done
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. - done
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) - done
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter) - done
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why?
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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