Tuesday, February 08, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 9 (finally)

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I knew that eventually I’d address this topic in writing; I just wasn’t quite prepared for it to come so soon. The truth is that in the last three years or so I’ve let the vast majority of my girlfriends “drift”. It wasn’t a conscious choice I made, to end friendships with women who used to know me better than I knew myself, but rather just a shifting of priorities (theirs and mine) that drove us so far away from one another that now… Now it feels like there is no going back. That thought doesn’t make me sad really, more nostalgic I guess, for the days gone by and the woman I used to be.

If someone had asked me four or five years ago who the main characters in my life would be today I would have been completely wrong (except in the case of TheHusband, my Mama and maybe one or two others). There are the friends I swore I’d have forever who are now more like strangers, the acquaintances that are now dearer to me than I could have ever imagined, and the new women I’ve met who challenge me to be a better person, just by knowing them. And I don’t regret the change, I can’t regret it, because I am a far happier, stronger, better person today because of the people who stuck around when the going got tough, or met me when the shit was literally hitting the fan and coating everyone and everything in a mile radius of me and pursued a friendship with me regardless.

I suppose if I stop to think about it, that it does make me sad that some of the women who swore I was like a sister to them were nowhere around when I truly NEEDED a sister. But I get that life happens and that we can’t expect our friends to put their lives on hold to help us when the chips are down. I get that we can’t EXPECT that but the truth is that I DID expect it because I had always been the type of friend to drop everything to rush to the side of a friend in need. Which is my bad, I suppose, and not theirs. But now? Now that I’m finally on the tail end (God willing – please, please, please) of the hardest, scariest and plain old fucking most awful days of my life thus far? Now I don’t need them. And all truth be told I don’t want them either. There were too many (unforgiveable?) things done, too many times they were moments away from me and yet never thought to call or stop by to see how I was doing, too many times when I could have used a hug, a text, an email, and none of those things ever came.

Or not that they never came… They just came from unexpected places. Wonderful, new, supportive places, but not from where I had thought I had the right to expect them to come.

When I first moved (back) to California I went to a very small school, attached to a very small church, that became almost an instant family for me. I particularly fell in love with a little girl about 4 or 5 years younger than me. She became the little sister I never had and I loved her to death. I would babysit for her and her brother regularly even though I LOATHED babysitting (some things never change eh?) because it wasn’t really awkward or uncomfortable with her. She was, long before Austin Powers, my mini-me. When I made the difficult decision to leave that church family after almost 6 years after High School, I was particularly sad to be missing out on watching my little girl grow up. Her dad pulled me aside at one point and told me, in essence, how disappointed they were that after all the mutual time and effort we had put in to nurturing this big sister/little sister relationship that I wouldn’t be around. Disappointed didn’t even BEGIN to explain how I felt. Devastated would be closer.

But now I understand a little more the other side. It wasn’t that I no longer loved her or wanted to be a part of her life and watch her grow and fall in and out of love and learn all of life’s million little lessons. It wasn’t about her really at all, which may have been my biggest mistake – not considering her more in the situation. It was all about me… My decision, my life path, my need to get away. The consequence of THAT action being that I missed all of it, and now that my little girl is a grown woman in her own right and we should be the best of friends, sisters even, we are instead more like strangers. Sure, we keep in touch, but I’m not the confidant I once was, I’m not involved in her life in any way, and it kills me. Truly. But it helps me understand that having people drift in and out of your life is a part of it, and life really does goes on.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. - done
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. - done
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

2 comments:

Michele said...

Oooh this is a good one! Have I mentioned how much I love that you are posting again? :)

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