30 Days of Truth - Day 1

So I initially read about this 30 Days of Truth meme thing back in November and I remember thinking that 30 days of honest blogging would coincide nicely with 30 days in November and NaBloPoMo. Alas, life had other things in mind for me to spend my every waking second stressing over in November (and December… and the first half of January…) so this had to wait. But I still want to do it so here goes! The full list is at the bottom in case you want to play along.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well they certainly start this off with a bang don’t they? To be honest (since that is, after all, the point) Day 1 almost derailed me from doing this whole thing because… well, I kind of hate EVERYTHING about myself. I don’t mean that in the “poor me” way but in a legitimate “if I could change my entire personality and demeanor I might” way. I hate my laugh, how loud I am, the way my mouth operates faster than my brain and I almost always instantly regret anything that I say out loud, the way I talk incessantly… Frankly, I would be hard pressed to be my own friend and I still am kind of awed by all the people in my life who DO stick around and offer me friendship.

But! Then I slowed down and noticed the object was to write about “something” I hate about myself – singular – which didn’t seem nearly as daunting (or depressing). So when I whittle down the list of things I really hate about myself the thing that pops to the top of the list is that I hate, hate, HATE that I am completely unable to self-motivate. It is SO frustrating to me that I can be completely miserable about any number of aspects of my life and yet nothing seems to spur me on to actually change anything.

For example, losing weight and getting in to shape. Y’all. I can literally not stand to see myself naked. Even when I am home alone and there is no chance TheHusband will see me, I still remain fully clothed until the last possible second when I have to get in the shower and I wrap myself up in a towel and robe the second I get out so that I won’t have to see how fat and disgusting I look in the mirror while I do my hair and/or make-up. Seriously. I completely gross myself out. And yet? That alone does not seem to be enough to motivate me to actually do anything about it. I mean, I’m working out with a trainer and have been for almost two months. You know how much weight I’ve lost? ZERO POUNDS!! I mean come on here! And every time we weigh in and the trainer expresses her disbelief that I have yet to lose a single freaking pound I know exactly why I haven’t lost but I STILL don’t change. I know I need to change the way I eat. I know I need to get more cardio. I know I need to get back into a regular yoga practice instead of this haphazard, sporadic one I’ve got going on now. I know all these things. And I know that if I’m not going to commit to this 100% that I’m basically just throwing money away every month that we can’t afford to waste. But none of those things motivates me to change.

Or, how about the job situation? It is no secret that I hate what I do for a living. I love my boss, I love (most of) my co-workers, I have great hours, work from home on Fridays and I’m really, really good at what I do. But I still hate it. When I was a little girl I never in a million years would have thought I’d end up stuck in a corporate dead end job, helping the rich get richer, and with very little (if not zero) sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Not to sound like a crazy hippie liberal here but I thought I was going to do something worthwhile, make a difference, help people. I thought I’d work for myself, or at least work for a small company where everyone knows each other like family. I thought I’d feel like I was really helping people who needed it – that I’d have something to offer! Instead every day I feel like I am just wasting time, waiting for the financial situation on the home front to improve so I don’t have to stay in this job just because we need to money. I HATE feeling like I’m wasting my life! I’m much more of a “seize the moment because you can’t ever get it back” type of girl and this? This being stuck and not being able to find a way out? But I’m completely unmotivated to find a new job. Because everything I think I might like to do either a) doesn’t make enough money for me/us to live on here in the Bay Area, or b) would require further education on my part that costs a boat load of money that we don’t have, or c) some combination of both a and b. And when I start thinking about it I just get depressed and even more unmotivated!


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Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - Done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself