Thursday, February 09, 2006
I was having a conversation today in the lunch room with a newly married co-worker. I was trying to make small talk as we both went around the early morning tasks of facing another day at work. Putting our lunches in the fridge, coffee for her (tons of those mini-moos creamers), green tea for me. I asked her how the married life was going – half tongue in cheek because while they’ve only been MARRIED for a month or so, they’ve been a couple for 4 years. “It’s easy because he’s THE ONE”, she said.
This of course got me thinking about my own relationship and this “ONE” status that everyone always speaks of. Because let’s face it, these days I find myself contemplating my relationship and it’s future WAY more than is healthy. Or necessary. I blame time.
Now I’m not sure I believe in a "THE ONE", as in one person out there for each of us. I’ve known too many widows finding happiness in a second marriage, seen too many couples who seemed “perfect for each other” and “meant to be” torn apart by circumstance and change. However, when I think of TheBoy I do occasionally think of him as "THE ONE". As in the one that I chose right now.
The one that if I were to tie myself down tomorrow, and buy a hideous white dress, and change my last name, and open joint banking accounts with, I would chose. The one that if I did, by some miracle of God, develop a maternal instinct over night I would chose to hold my hair through morning sickness and wait with me in cold hospital rooms while a doctor searches for a tiny heartbeat. I’d want them (these hypothetical offspring) to have his eyes, his smile, and his knack for all things mechanical or engineering related. I think those things would mesh nicely with my freckles and adventurous spirit.
The one I would have by my side if my world turned upside down. The one who understands how awkward and alone I feel in certain situations and instinctively doesn’t leave my side. The one I would follow my dream with and leave everything I know behind and move thousands of miles away to satisfy a desire I’ve had since childhood. The one I would visit new places with, try new foods, new wines, jump off bridges into freezing rivers and stand out in the rain with just to remember how it feels.
But there’s a flip side to this isn’t there? He’s also the one who makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and hide when the topic of our future comes up. Literally makes me have to will myself not to vomit when he so casually dismisses the notions of happiness and forever that I’ve cherished since I was a little girl. The one who can bring the tears, the feelings of inadequacy, of desperation, just as quickly as the smiles and the overwhelming feelings of passion, of tenderness, of love.
Because through all the happiness and fun vacations and easy Saturday mornings and laughter there is still jobs and families and housing and bills to pay and every day mundane taking each other for granted and DAMN IT no one told me this was so complicated.
I wrote the above entry months ago. Before the holidays. I never posted it because… Well, I’m just not that girl. You know the girl who talks about her relationships and analyzes them with her friends. I always marveled at women who bitch non stop about their significant other and then get angry with their girlfriends when they don’t like the guy. That and I am a big proponent of working things out myself. I figure this relationship is about us, as in me and him, and too much outside influence clouds judgment.
But this whole “the one” thing came up recently with yet another friend and I got to thinking and I pulled up this old entry. I’m amazed by two things. One is that I ever even let myself think (much less write) the things I did above. Totally out of character for me! The second thing that surprises me is that I wrote this post in a fit of negativity and yet, re-reading it now after the initial crisis has faded it’s fury a bit and I’ve had many more days of sunshine and laughter than sadness and bitter introspection, I realize that it’s actually a positive reflection of the relationship I have with TheBoy.
Because I think the counter balance, his yin to my yang, the ups, the downs and the ways that we can push each others buttons, is a testament to our feelings for each other. It shows the level of devotion we have to each other. The strength of our bond. And yes, we have some things to work out. There are differences. But they aren’t insurmountable differences. I guess the fact that we’re both still here, committed and working diligently towards a common future (regardless of what that future may hold), means that we may actually be each other’s “ONE” after all.