I sat the other night looking through old pictures with a childhood friend (and positively glowing bride-to-be). We have spent the last 13, maybe 14, years as friends and so we have a lot of the same memories. It’s amazing looking back at some of those pictures how intensely I still feel the pains I felt then. In some of those pictures when I stare at the face of the younger me I can even see it. The hurt, the embarrassment… It’s something in the eyes I think. Or perhaps the not quite genuine smile.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about going back to church. I miss it. I miss the fellowship, I miss the guidance, I miss the support. The most logical choice would be to go back to the church I called home so many years ago. The church I haven’t set foot into except maybe a dozen times in the last 10 years. I still have some friends there and it would be easy to let myself fall back into that. However, I clearly still have some unresolved issues with that place! When I think about going there, and seeing the people I used to know, it’s like the last 10 years haven’t happened and I’m still that miserable little girl I was. And I like who I am now. I’m proud of what I’ve become. How can a few photos, a few memories, cause that to feel null and void.
Also, my feelings about church have changed. My feelings about God are exactly the same if not better formed now than they were then. I mean, obviously I’m an adult now and am more aware of the decisions I make. My feelings about church and the rules and “truths” that I’m expected to abide by and believe wholeheartedly have changed. It’s true I’m no conservative, so you can only imagine the potential butting of heads. I suppose I could just keep quiet… Plead ignorance on subjects such as same sex marriage, a woman’s right to chose, while quietly supporting the causes I believe in wholeheartedly. And yet, let’s be honest… When have I EVER been able to keep my mouth shut?? And why would I want to?