Friday, April 27, 2007

Fat is as fat does

Isn’t it funny how you can know something, deep down or in the back of your mind, but it never bothers you until someone close to you mentions it? So in the last 3 or 4 months I’ve gained some weight, not a ton (8 pounds to be exact – I checked), but enough that I had noticed and it was bothering me.

Now keep in mind that in the last few months I have also had pneumonia, the flu, started college again, taken two vacations and had my damn birthday – all of which joined forces to make it either hard for me to work out or hard for me not to want to EAT ALL THE TIME. Because working out is fine for me. I’ve subscribed to the “no pain no gain” newsletter and I read it faithfully. But food? Food is my weakness. I love food! I love the smells and tastes, I love cooking and experimenting… I just LOVE FOOD.

Not so good for the waistline apparently.

But I HAD noticed and was taking steps to get back on track. I’ve been to the gym and have been working my poor lungs back into workable shape. I’ve started to be a little more reasonable about the eating at home (because we have far too many social engagements for me to control it all the time) bringing back more natural foods, fruits, veggies, lean meats, blah, blah, blah… I even dug out all my old notes from the nutritionist. And then I went and did two very, very important and scary (and maybe crazy) things…

I threw out my “rainy day” pack of cigarettes. Both of them. I know, I know I said I was going to do that months ago… Well I did it now. Happy? Better late than never no?

And y’all? I signed myself back up for boot camp. Oh yeah – that’s right. Me and 5:00 am are going to get reacquainted. But seriously… that program BEAT me into shape, it DRUG me KICKING and SCREAMING into shape. I think I need a little of that again.

SO having taken the above steps in the last week or so I was certainly shocked and appalled last night at dinner when my mother pulled me aside and said “looks like you’ve gained an awful lot of weight sweetie.”

Crickets…

NOTE – if you are Southern you believe that adding “sweetie”, “sugar” or “darling” on to the end of whatever you say makes it seem alright because you truly care about the person you are saying these things to. As a Southern woman I realized last night that “sweetie” does NOT in fact make things better!

To top it all off when she called to apologize this morning (I was maybe a bit distant at dinner after that – y’all come on!) she couldn’t leave well enough alone… I got to hear about how it’s a mother’s right to be worried about their children and how clearly something must be wrong because I’ve gotten SO FAT and don’t I know I can talk to her about anything? Also, she was genuinely concerned that the new clothes I had bought myself for my birthday (in a smaller size than last year!) weren’t going to fit anymore… I was wearing one of those outfits LAST NIGHT! Perhaps it makes me look fat and I should burn it right away…

Why is it that a woman who is almost 30 can be reduced to tears of frustration on the freeway in morning traffic by her mother? How embarrassing is that? I’m sure all the other motorists thought my dog had died or something… I guess I should be embarrassed that something so trivial as being called fat makes me want to cry but… Jeez it’s been a rough road to here and I’m certainly not FAT by any means and I’m no where NEAR the weight I was when I most definitely WAS fat. It’s frustrating.

It’s enough to make a girl run to the bathroom and stick her finger down her throat.

5 comments:

Kate said...

i hear ya, tiff. try gaining over 20 pounds in the last year. no one ever shuts the heck up about it, like i haven't freaking noticed that i had to go up a size in clothes. it sucks. but hang in there. you're not alone. and don't let this shit get to you.

Anna said...

ME: "Pass me the chocolates."
BOYFRIEND: "Maybe we should settle down on the chocolates for a while."
ME: [blank stare, blinking, fighting off tears.]

I feel your pain. I do. Between cooking at home now (and, um, NEVER cutting out even one eensy weensy calorie), my abiding love for anything with the words "Dark" and "Chocolate" in the description, and only squeezing in the gym two nights a week, my ass has staged a revolt and is beginning to spread.

So I started doing squats in the morning during my lotion routine.

It may not whip me into shape (good for you: 5:00 in the morning! I only wish I had such motivation), but at least it makes me feel better. And that's all that counts, right? RIGHT?

:)

Anonymous said...

What I said was "it looks like you put on a little weight sweetie, are you okay?" As soon as the words left my mouth I would like to have cut my tongue out. I have NEVER said anything negative about you, for you, to you, etc. etc. I would NEVER intentionally or knowlingly hurt your feelings. I can only again say I'm sorry. Now I think I'll go cry my own tears.
Mom

Melina said...

I gained weight this year too, and if I wasn't so over the moon in love right now, I'd be crying. John and I pinky swore that we'd work out together. Marriage sucks my will to work out.

The weigh comments suck but...eight pounds? You can do that with your eyes closed right? I think I have 15-20!!! OMG, I've never been this chubby in my life!!

Erik said...

Honey, you still look great! What's 8 lbs? I've got 50 this past year and a half. No worries.