I struggle into the cumbersome dress and manage to put my hair up and make-up on. I slip on some hideous white shoes and wander downstairs in this house which is both familiar and strange to me. After wandering around aimlessly for several minutes I have a panicked thought – maybe I am late to my wedding! I rush out of the house (cursing the dress the whole time) and into the church which is oddly enough within stumbling distance of that house.
I walk in from the back of what must be the longest aisle in church building history. At the very front of the room, near the alter I see one lone person, a man, my future husband. He seems like a stranger to me and yet I must know him. His back is to me so I can not see his face but I know he can tell when I have entered the room. We stand in silence for a moment while my brain feverishly tries to make out what is going on. Then he speaks. In a soft voice, almost a whisper, which I hear crystal clear despite the distance between us he says, “I just don’t love you enough to do this.”
This dream has been haunting me, teasing its way into my subconscious on a fairly regular basis for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wake up then, after he speaks, and sometimes I watch him walk away (exit stage left) through some unseen side doors. When I was younger I used to wait for the dream and hope that this time, if I concentrated closely enough, I would recognize the man and have some idea of what my future husband (or not, as the case may be) looked like. At the time of every break up I would use it to rationalize that the most recent ex must have been that guy and I was well rid of him now before it was too late.
But now? Now that things are on track and going well? Now that TheBoy and I are on the same page and making active future plans? Now this dream just scares the bejeezus out of me. Can a child’s dream follow you into adulthood and manifest itself in real life? What insecurities must I have to project this?