Monday, November 10, 2008

From the archives...

I'm not sure if anyone else does this but I have probably 50 "posts-in-progress" from over the years that I never quite got around to finishing. In the interest of giving you something to read while I run around frantically like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get ready for the honeymoon I thought I would post a couple.

This one is from May of 2007. Before TheBoy and I had what turned into the last of the knock down drag out fights over the future of our relationship, before we bought our home, before we got engaged and then married this last summer. It's been a year of changes since I wrote these words and I apologize that its incomplete... While I distinctly remember the feelings behind this post it feels fake to go back now and finish it.


I don’t know how old I was when I first read these words. I know that I didn’t even know they were song lyrics until I tried to Google the author recently. I thought it was a poem… But the sentiment haunted me. It still haunts me but now it rings true. Perhaps it was a premonition?

I have a hard time expressing my emotions sometimes. I’m not that girl you know? The one who cries to her friends all the time and wants to talk about her feelings. I’m a strict ignore it til it goes away or explodes kind of girl. This is maybe not a good thing but it works for me. Tears make me uncomfortable. Especially mine.

So I dreamed we were somewhere
And everything you said was real
And everything I said was right
That we don’t have to fear the night

I always say the wrong thing these days. I feel like I have to censor everything I say. I just want to go back to feeling carefree and easy. Back when things were easy.

Then I’m in light and I still find
That when we look around we still feel
Like were running out of time
And there is nothing left for us to try

My friend Tammie said to me the other day, after maybe too many cocktails but I know she loves me so I let it slide, that she was afraid I’d wake up one day… 6 more years down the road and regret all the time I’ve spent waiting for something that may never happen. Only then I’d be 34 and maybe a little bitter and I’d have to start over, alone, after 12 years with someone who ended up not being the one after all.

We stay together now
When all the signals say we
Should move on from here

But I don’t think its coincidence
And I don’t believe in accidents
Its time to ask ourselves
Why are we still here

Is love enough?

Come back down and we still find
That all our waking fears are around us and
Shining in our eyes
They are blinding out the skies

Why is it that I can go days, weeks and months without a single reminder of the life I’m giving up and then sometimes… I just can’t escape it.

Something still you don’t give me
Something that just won’t break
You sit there silent in your place
And try to see your face

I need something from him – something unbreakable. A commitment that goes beyond his word, a promise made in front of our friends and families, a last name. He’s my best friend. I know the fear – I’m afraid too. But if he would take my hand I would jump. We could take that leap together.

Why do we still try
When all our time is spent in
Holding on to hope

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