List time!

I can not keep a coherent thought in my head long enough to write a real post. I think its the fantastic almost-summer weather we've been having lately. Because occasionally I'll have a brilliant thought and think to myself "I should make a note of that so I can share my profound idea with all the wonderful IIFs and oh! what a pretty tree! Those little flowers must love the sunshine... la la la la la."

You can see how this might be slightly distracting.

So I now present to you, in lieu of a real post, a list of random stuff that is going on in the land of Tiffy.

1) My 12 year old vacuum is on its last legs y'all. Now I know normal people would not feel sad about the passing of an old, and very well used, vacuum. I, however, AM a little sad to have to replace my trusty little machine. She was relatively cheap when I got her, and has seen me through many, many, many apartments and dorm rooms. She's cleaned up after countless parties, ex-boyfriends, kitten mishaps and so on. But she IS 12 after all which is about 10 years longer than I thought she'd last so... But also? Holyfreakinghell people do you have any idea how expensive vacuums are?!?!?! Needless to say I had no idea. Think I could get someone to buy me one as a birthday gift?

2) Yeah. Did I mention I'm having a birthday soon? Surprisingly I'm calmer than I expected in the days leading up to it. I'm certainly handling it better than my charming husband did. But... it also feels a little strange. Like, I'm not ready to enter into a new decade. I have stuff left to do in this one! We shall see if this feeling of grace lasts me until the actual day or if I take to my bed ala Scarlett O'Hara and hide. At least I'm going someplace new and fun which should take my mind of the reason WHY we're taking a vacation... And there will be wine. Lots and lots of wine.

3) I am exhausted. Like can barely get out of bed in the morning, don't want to do anything but contemplate my navel exhausted. And I'm not really sure why. I haven't been sleeping the best, which I know doesn't help, but as an occasional sufferer of full blown insomnia these restless nights are nothing! I thought it might have been work because we have been a little busier lately and did I mention I only have three employees? But I've been trying to cut my hours back a little in the last week or so and it hasn't seemed to help. I'm stumped. Maybe a nice long weekend will help rejuvenate me.

4) I've been trying my hand at the whole running thing again lately. Its free and once I manage to get my lazy ass off the couch and into some running shoes I generally love it. In fact over the weekend I had one of those runs where you feel like you could keep going forever. It was awesome. But for some reason my brain forgets that whole adrenaline euphoria thing almost as soon as I hit the showers. Is there anyway to bottle that feeling a little for motivational purposes? I've also been trying to practice yoga more diligently. But Lord Almighty those classes are expensive! Luckily there are DVDs. But again, after a particularly good class or practice I always feel so calm and peaceful and... well zen I guess. But it doesn't last!! Le sigh.

5) I am still a huge fat ass. I keep losing the same freaking 4 pounds over and over again I swear! It's discouraging. Especially coming up on my birthday. I'm just saying is all. Also? I feel sort of like a slug compared to some of my super awesome friends who are all running 10k races and doing mini-triathlons and stuff on their weekends. Me? I drink wine and eat. Hmm... I think I might have found the answer to the problem in the first sentence.

6) This last weekend was one of the most fun and relaxing weekends I've had in ages. I told myself I wouldn't stress out that there were eleventy-two loads of laundry to do, or that the kitchen floor hasn't been mopped since Christmas, or that the carpets aren't clean enough (see item #1) or any of the normal chore-type things that generally consume my weekends. So this weekend all I did was fun stuff. Dinner with friends Friday night at one of my favorite local restaurants, wine tasting with a big group Saturday, brunch and some fun girl time in SF yesterday... It was awesome. Until I came home from work today and realized we had no food, no clean towels and there are dishes in the sink that have been there since sometime late last week. Well I guess I can't run away from reality forever.

Writing exercise - I am, I was, I am not

I am obsessed with teen movies and like Step Up and Stick It (“they don’t call it gym-nice-tics”) and TV shows like 90210 (the old AND the new if I must admit) for some known only to God reason. Maybe I feel like my high school years were too drama free?

I was not the popular one in high school, despite being a cheerleader (which means something completely different in California than in Texas, BTW) and having a fairly decent group of friends. Maybe I just chose the wrong friends? There was the pretty one, and the smart one, and the crazy one and… me.

I am not accepting of drama in my current life. AT. ALL. There are a few notable exceptions to this rule but for the most part I maintain a strict “no drama” policy. If you have drama and are still a part of my life then… well I love you. Yes, that much.

*****

I am obsessed with food and calories and weight loss and working out and… I realize this is probably not healthy.

I was sick for a very long time over those same things. I am better now. I hope.

I am not ashamed to admit it.

*****

I am a feminist, a liberal, and a bleeding heart. I am independent, strong-willed and opinionated.

I was misinformed and ignorant. I was naïve to follow everything I was told by my “elders”.

I am not apologizing for what I believe. Not ever again. Nor will I ask you to.

*****

I am the kind of woman who is honest and straight forward about who I am, flawed as I may be. I have a “take me as I am” attitude and I finally do believe that if you don’t care to know me then it is your loss.

I was the kind of girl who made up stories in order to get people to like and accept me.

I am not the kind of person to judge you. Ever. I’ve been judged enough in my life for the two of us. I promise.

*****

I am the kind of girl that cries at sad movies. Hell, who am I kidding? I cry at movies, TV shows, books, sad songs on the radio and when my friends are sad for any reason. In fact, if you are a real life “friend of Tiffy” and I have ever avoided your calls during a rough patch it is because I couldn’t talk to you without crying and I knew that wasn’t good for either of us.

I was embarrassed to be the girl that cried at movies and TV shows and sad songs until I realized how many of my sisters out there do the same damn thing.

I am not the kind of woman who will let you see me cry when I am actually in pain. Sad song on the radio? No problem. Serious problem in my life or major health scare? Total secret. And no you won’t change me. Like Brooks and Dunn say… “Cowgirls don’t cry.”

*****

I am a writer, a singer, and a chef. I am a daughter, a friend, a sister (though not my blood) and a wife. I am compassionate, I am strong, I am sensitive, I am weak and in need of grace. I am me.

I was afraid of who I really was for a long time because I felt like I wasn’t good enough.

I am not afraid anymore.

Life's Lessons

As a child, my family did not have a lot of money. You can imagine that a single mother in the eighties wasn't living the glamorous life depicted by Dallas or Working Girl. But my mother, bless her, made do with what she had and managed to raise a fairly spoiled daughter with a tremendous shoe habit none the less.

However, I do recall an unfair bias towards those who lived in the "poor" parts of town. I went to High School only a mile or two from one of the poorest and most violent towns in all of California and the movie Dangerous Minds was based on the true story of a high school in my same district. A school whose fields and gymnasiums I visited many times as a cheerleader. In fact I had friends, and fellow cheerleaders, whose homes my mother was afraid to let me visit because they were on the wrong side of those proverbial tracks.

When TheBoy and I first began dating we lived (separately) in an apartment complex in one of the most affluent towns I have ever known. Once, while we were walking around the quaint "mid-town" area he told me how as a child he thought that the complex we both currently resided in was "scary" as a child because only poor people lived in apartments, therefore all people who live in apartments must be "bad". Nevermind that he went to school at the emelentary school boardering our complex.

It is random sort of misguided predjudices such as those that really can get me standing tall on my soap box and feeling generally dejected as to the fate of society because they seem so... unfair. And yet, this afternoon I witnessed a high speed chase in my own (completely residential, though fairly affordable so not concidered "good") neighborhood that left me standing in my front lawn, wondering what the hell had happened and conversing with various neighbors about how such a thing could happen.

Perhaps its not a matter of "good" versus "bad" or "poor" versus "affluent". Maybe people are doing the best they can and trying to succeed based on what they have. And maybe there are a few bad apples in the bunch (whether they are organic specials or just plain old granny smiths) that are hindering us all.

I am responsible for my own happiness. Or I am supposed to have a support network?

So not to get all self-helpy on y'all but I've been reading a lot lately about how to be the person you want to be and how to be at peace with stuff and... well I've sort of come upon a dilemma. There seems to be some conflicting theologies out there about how one goes about making changes to ones life. They basically boil down into a) no one can make you happy if you aren't already happy with yourself and its all up to you to ensure that happiness so quit your bitching and change stuff already or b) no woman is an island and you need the support of those in your daily life to help you find true, lasting happiness so surround yourself with people who share the same ideals and visions for their lives as you do for yours.

In a nutshell.

I assume you can see my conundrum? (Not to be confused with the economic forecast.)

So on one hand, I'm reading things and have these moments where I'm all "I AM ME and gosh darn it it's up to me to make me happy and I like me and GO TIFFY!" Because the independent me who likes to keep her own counsel and deal with her own crap TOTALLY buys into that mantra. I would even go so far as to sheepishly admit to feeling a bit too smug and self-righteous when I hear people complain that their lives suck because hello? It's YOUR life, which means YOU control it so if it sucks take a long look in the mirror and figure out what it is about you that's making your life suck.

Wow its a little embarrassing to write that. Especially sitting over here where a small voice just whispered in my ear "remember how unhappy YOU are, time to take your own advice there sister."

So I thought maybe this whole "I am responsible for my own happiness" thing wasn't the whole shebang and started reading things I normally turned up my nose at. The other side being those who say you can't do it alone, you need help, support and people encouraging you. But see? That flip side? It sort of makes me squeamish and uncomfortable. Because I'm responsible for my own happiness right? And I DO honestly believe that.

So anyway. For all my reading and researching and deep thinking I am no farther towards finding a way to reconcile the life I want to be living to the one currently in progress. But daily arguments with myself are becoming more and more common which maybe means that I'll eventually get someplace and be able to either be happy with what I have or figure out how to get what I want. Or the nice doctors will come with their pretty white jacket and y'all will sorely miss my crazy rantings on the interwebs since I am fairly sure they don't have blogging in the loony bin.

Secrets

I don't know about the rest of you but I am positively addicted to Post Secret. I love how people are so honest and wonderful there. Most of the time I am just jealous that they have the courage to post their secrets for all the world to see, even if it is anonymously. This particular postcard caught my eye today:



My secret is that I also used to go hang out in the nurses office to get away from feeling so lonely in school. Sadly instead of a friend and ally in the nurse all I got was pulled out of classes and interviewed repeatedly by the dean and then the principle about my "eating disorder". It almost cost me my chance at making the cheer leading squad my Junior year in High School.

Thanks anyway nurse.