So not to get all self-helpy on y'all but I've been reading a lot lately about how to be the person you want to be and how to be at peace with stuff and... well I've sort of come upon a dilemma. There seems to be some conflicting theologies out there about how one goes about making changes to ones life. They basically boil down into a) no one can make you happy if you aren't already happy with yourself and its all up to you to ensure that happiness so quit your bitching and change stuff already or b) no woman is an island and you need the support of those in your daily life to help you find true, lasting happiness so surround yourself with people who share the same ideals and visions for their lives as you do for yours.
In a nutshell.
I assume you can see my conundrum? (Not to be confused with the economic forecast.)
So on one hand, I'm reading things and have these moments where I'm all "I AM ME and gosh darn it it's up to me to make me happy and I like me and GO TIFFY!" Because the independent me who likes to keep her own counsel and deal with her own crap TOTALLY buys into that mantra. I would even go so far as to sheepishly admit to feeling a bit too smug and self-righteous when I hear people complain that their lives suck because hello? It's YOUR life, which means YOU control it so if it sucks take a long look in the mirror and figure out what it is about you that's making your life suck.
Wow its a little embarrassing to write that. Especially sitting over here where a small voice just whispered in my ear "remember how unhappy YOU are, time to take your own advice there sister."
So I thought maybe this whole "I am responsible for my own happiness" thing wasn't the whole shebang and started reading things I normally turned up my nose at. The other side being those who say you can't do it alone, you need help, support and people encouraging you. But see? That flip side? It sort of makes me squeamish and uncomfortable. Because I'm responsible for my own happiness right? And I DO honestly believe that.
So anyway. For all my reading and researching and deep thinking I am no farther towards finding a way to reconcile the life I want to be living to the one currently in progress. But daily arguments with myself are becoming more and more common which maybe means that I'll eventually get someplace and be able to either be happy with what I have or figure out how to get what I want. Or the nice doctors will come with their pretty white jacket and y'all will sorely miss my crazy rantings on the interwebs since I am fairly sure they don't have blogging in the loony bin.