I love The Daily Om. Really. Its just a little piece of the interwebs that is all positive and nurturing and encouraging, which is rare I think in the mix of news sites and gossip pages and so on. I forget who turned me on to it... Maybe my sister-in-law Kari? Anywho, I get their daily horoscope emails every day and while I'm not generally excited about horoscopes, these emails tend to be more about things to think on during the day than winning lotto numbers if you know what I mean.
Today's e-mail (or rather yesterdays but it came in late last night so I read it this morning) had this to say:
You may crave a closer connection with others today. At the same time, you may feel nervous about opening up to others because you are uncertain as to how they will react. You should not let this dissuade you from baring your soul to the people you care about. If you want to create more intimacy in your relationships, you will need to be able to express your vulnerability. Your loved ones will likely be honored that you trusted them enough to let them witness your vulnerable side. You may find that your willingness to trust them allows them to place their trust in you also. If you can let others see you as you are today, stronger relationship bonds will be your reward.
Now. This is either a crazy coincidence or somewhere, someone is messing with me because I have had this EXACT ISSUE weighing on my mind and heart these last few days. I feel like I am almost desperate for the connection of a close friend but find myself sadly lacking in that department due to distance, geographical or emotional. I've always had a fairly large group of friends, not always the same friends mind you, but I generally tend to run in a pack. I am comfortable when I have a handfull of folks I can call at any given moment to share a story, a cocktail or weekend plans. Now I have none - and it is MY OWN DAMN FAULT!
The past two or three years have been extremely trying for me with the moving to a new town and the getting married and the quitting my job and then finding another one I loved and then having to leave and come back to my old job. I know that isn't an excuse. I KNOW it isn't. But I'm a fairly private person and I HATE people feeling sory for me. Its not like I am looking for answers or anything so I generally prefer to keep my private life, well... private. However, the last nine months or so (beginning I guess in July of last year) have been at best the hardest/saddest/scariest nine months of my life and at worst have made me really wonder whether any of this is worth it and if I even have the strength. Its been dark, dark times.
Owing to the fact that I like to keep my private stuff private (and in connection with factors otherwise innocuous) I really withdrew from my friends and family in order to deal with the issues at hand. I've avoided social situations, stopped phoning or emailing people, missed out on major events and... basically just been a really terrible friend. But the worst part is that its not that I've stopped caring about anyone or that I love them less or want to be in their lives any less. Its more that I don't know what to do when the conversation inevitably comes around to how I'm doing. I love hearing how YOU are doing but I don't want to talk about me. Does that make any sense?
Also, combine that with the fact that I have what could possibly be the world's worst poker face in existance and you have me with tears welling up in my eyes at any random moment. Remember when I said I hated people feeling sorry for me up there a few paragrpahs ago? Yeah. Too bad pity is the number one response when someone notices tears. So the only thing I could think to do was hide. And hide I did.
Okay, its not like things are all of a sudden magically BETTER or anything but I have developed a calmer, more positive outlook on my life and I'm really working on making the changes I can and letting the rest go. I'm trying. And I feel better most days - really. But how do you call up a friend you've been basically avoiding for the better part of a year and pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary? Or more important why would these people even take my call? I'd like to think that I would give someone the benefit of the doubt if the situation were reversed but would I really? Who knows. This is exactly the kind of thinking that paralyzes me into inactivity. I don't call because I'm afraid it'll be awkward since I haven't called. Catch-22.