What it is like

Its like waking up in the morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated for that split second before true consciousness kicks in and then rolling over and falling back to sleep. Its like feeling like you could sleep forever, like wanting to sleep forever, like sleep is the only place you can feel comfortable. Its when sleep becomes your escape.

Its like looking forward to an event for days, and then the day of carefully planning and getting ready for this event only to feel absolutely paralyzed with fear when it comes time to leave the house. Its forcing yourself to drive someplace and giving yourself a pep talk in the rear view mirror the whole way there only to pull into the parking lot, sit for 10 minutes and then turn the car back on and drive home. Crying.

Its like being at a party and not knowing anyone. You kind of hide out in a corner, back against the wall hoping no one notices you but secretly hoping they do. Its going to the bar for that third glass of wine just to give yourself something to do, even though you promised yourself you'd only have one. Its feeling like you've been at this party for ages with your fake smile and your carefully prepared responses to all the social questions and then finally making a desperate dash for the door because you can't stand another minute and are starting to feel like you can't breathe. Its looking at the clock on the dashboard of your car, rolling the windows down, desperately gulping fresh air, and realizing you barely made it an hour.

Its knowing you've alienated all your friends and not being able to bring yourself to properly do anything to make amends. Its clipped responses and no return phone calls or emails or "maybe next week" responses to your requests for lunches or coffees. Its being angry because they don't know what you are going through and then also understanding their position because THEY DON'T KNOW what you are going through.

Its like... not being able to tell anyone what its like.