Friday, January 19, 2007

Thank you for not smoking?


The thing is… I like to smoke. When I was younger I always liked the heroines from 1940’s era movies with their perfectly coifed hairstyles and those slender cigarette holders. I like the way people punctuate their speech with smoke… a long drag instituting silence that can mean so many things.

Smoking never held the addiction over me like I know it does for so many people. “I only smoke when I drink” I would say. I smoked in High School to be rebellious (Lord help me for that particular cliché) and I smoked in college because… smoking in college just seemed like the thing to do. When I was dieting I smoked to keep the hunger pains away. I smoke because I like to, I like the feeling.

I know smoking is wrong. Trust me. Every mile of every run I ever take I know that I’ve made the right choice by giving up smoking. Every pose in every yoga class I feel better for having not having smoked. I listen to the same commercials as everyone else. I know people whose lives have been torn apart by lung cancer, my own family wrought with heart disease, all attributed to smoking. I get it, I do.

That is why this New Year’s Eve I decided to give up casual smoking. No more smoking “when I drink” (because I’m not in denial – I drink A LOT – that’s another post all together), no more just a drag or two out with friends, no more “when in Vegas”. I was just going to be a non-smoker. I had been proclaiming to be one for ages right?

So why is it that since I’ve made that decision, which I didn’t tell anyone about save one, that I’ve had more of an overwhelming desire to light up than I can remember in ages? It’s like there are cigarettes everywhere! At the drugstore across the street from my office… At the grocery store when I run for our weekly supplies… It’s all I can do to not casually request a pack to be tossed in with the rest.

What the hell?

3 comments:

Michele said...

It is the same way for me when I deny myself any particular sweet treat or junk food. As soon as I tell myself I am not going to indulge, it is all I can think about!

Good for you for cutting out smoking all together!

Goat said...

Tiff unfortunately this is one of those times where I can say I know exactly how you feel. When I finally quit (half your life ago) I thought the physical addiction would be the hard part, I was wrong. It was the smoke after dinner, the one that went so well with a beer or just the need for a smoke break at work - they were a part of my life and I missed that. The hardest part about quitting for me was the psychological addiction and that just takes time and willpower. Get stubborn on it and say no when those cigarettes call you, the more you say no, the easier it gets.

I know you can do it just as I know that you have the support of myself and all your friends.

:D

Anna said...

I've attempted (but not succeeded) to quit smoking, oh, about four thousand times. And every time, it's the same for me as it is for you right now. I'll go DAYS without smoking (literally) because I just don't feel like it...But the second I say "I'm quitting," I suddenly want to smoke a whole pack in one sitting.

I know how you feel. I'll be cheering for you...Long distance, but cheering nonetheless. :)