I stood in the shower this morning and cried for almost half an hour. Then I got out of the shower and lay back down in bed, where I cried some more. All of this before I managed to pull my shit together and get dressed and leave for work. I don’t know how some people spend years in unsatisfying and non-stimulating jobs. I almost wish I could be one of those people right now. Because right now? I absolutely HATE my job.
It’s actually pretty conflicting really. I love my boss. He’s probably the most understanding and generous boss I have ever had. I love our clients. I like talking to them and hearing their stories. So what is the problem? I am bored. I feel completely non-challenged. I feel like I have learned all there is for me to learn in this position and I am ready to move on. I resent the normal tasks and stereotypes that come along with my job title. I want to move forward, move on.
Also? I hate the commute. HATE. I hate wasting two hours of my day to get to a job that doesn’t challenge me so I can sit bored to tears for nine hours only to get back in the car and waste another two hours. This mind numbing routine is draining. When I get home from work I am not in the mood to do anything except have a glass or three of wine. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to clean. I don’t want to go to the gym (even though my fat ass needs to something fierce). Sometimes I feel too drained to even want to cuddle with my cat.
Sadly, I can not see a single way out of this situation. I need the income this job provides to pay the mortgage on our house. I can’t find another job that is 1) nearer to home, 2) challenging and 3) pays what I make now. So I’m stuck. I’m stuck wasting almost four hours a day doing nothing. I’m stuck working at a job that bores me to tears. I’m just stuck.
So why the title?
It’s no secret that I hate my birthday. Every year I take stock of where I am and realize how far it is from where I thought, from where I wanted to be by the time I hit this age. I thought that by this time I would have a fulfilling career, something I was passionate about. Because while I certainly have an aptitude for the line of work I am, I have no passion for it. I guess there are a lot of things that I thought would be different by now. I guess it’s just the overwhelming, soul sucking, completely draining way that I spend more than half of my allotted 24 hours each day that seems to take over the focus of my life.
I am doomed to be one of those people haunting the self-help aisle looking for answers to why I don’t have the life I want?
So far this is turning out to be a GREAT birthday.