An oldie but a goodie

So even though I have done this particular thing before, I am giving it another shot. Truth is I love learning little tidbits about people. What can I say? So thanks again to Kate for sending me the questions.

Also, I have no idea what is going on with the different fonts in this post but for some reason can't figure out how to make it better. Sorry. **wait I think I fixed it**

If you could go back and change one moment in time, what moment would it be?

Hm. This is tricky. Normally I have a strict no-indulging-in-what-if-I-could-change-the-past rule because while I certainly have regrets I think my past made me who I am today and brought the people into my life that I have now and that I would not change for a million dollars. However. In the interest of this question I'll go with the first thing that popped into my mind, sad as it will sound.

(takes a deep breath and hopes she doesn't get a lot of crap for this...)

I wish I could go back and change my wedding. I can't think back to the exact "moment in time" when the wedding stopped being about what I wanted it to be about and became this... other thing that made me miserable and from which I can't find a single good memory without it being immediately followed by two or three bad memories. Maybe I would take back the day TheBoy and I went out and found the boat we had the wedding on, which happened before we were even engaged btw. Or maybe I would take back the day I bought the dress I grew to hate. Maybe I would have fought harder the day I let TheBoy talk me out of just driving to City Hall and having done with the whole thing because he said our families would never forgive us. Maybe I wouldn't have spent time choosing my engagement ring with TheBoy, a ring I now only wear maybe 4 days a month. Maybe I wouldn't have said yes. I'm not sure how far back I'd have to go to erase the memory... Its a slippery slope isn't it?

And before I start getting a bunch of comments about how sad this all is... Save your fingers the typing. Yes I wanted to get married and yes I am happy with TheBoy and yes it does mean a lot to me that we are married. I just wish I didn't have THESE memories of that particular day that is supposed to be this huge deal. Its not like I can take it back, you know? You only get ONE wedding day. I wish mine were different is all. Maybe I should go back to the moment when I got it stuck in my head, probably sometime around the time I was eight years old, that my wedding day would be this wonderful, happy, fairy-tale of a day and give myself a reality check.

Share your most embarrassing story.

Oh Kate. I'm not sure if I should shake my head at your naivety or be ashamed that I actually had to consider WHICH embarrassing story to share. My name is synonymous which embarrassing and my stories are many and they are mortifying. However, remembering that this is a family blog ~ahem~ I'll tell you about the time I propositioned my now brother-in-law.

I had been invited to dinner with TheBoy, his father and step-mother and his brother to celebrate... something. That particular detail is unimportant. What IS important to know is that I had only met these people on ONE other occasion at this point and that I was REALLY nervous. We went to this Italian restaurant which was WAY fancier than any place I had been before. (Did you guys know that before TheBoy I had done absolutely zero fine dining and had NEVER drank wine aside from that wine mixed with fruit juice stuff? I guess you could say he took this little small town, beer drinking girl and... well he created a monster I guess. Just a little random tidbit of info for you Tiffy fans out there. Moving on.) So the only other time I had met TheBoy's brother he had this girlfriend he'd been dating for ages, like since college or something, named Liz. Liz was conspicuously missing from this second dinner so, when an appropriate time arrived in conversation I asked him about her. Well it turns out that they had recently broken up. Being a somewhat typical girl I made all the appropriate comments about how sad that was but how I'm sure he'll find someone fantastic in no time and so on. And then, in what I can only describe as one of those moments where you actually SEE the train shifting a little off the track but are powerless to stop it, I blurted out "that's okay I'd like to have both brothers."

~crickets~

Needless to say the table fell silent, both I and now brother-in-law turned interesting shades of purple, TheBoy shot me a look of what-the-hell-just-came-out-of-your-mouth-woman and I seriously considered sliding under the tablecloth to wait out dinner. However, these people being much more refined than I, and mercifully forgiving to boot, after an awkward cough or two the conversation continued on to other subjects and I made it through the second meeting of my future in-laws with no other mishaps. TheBoy loves to torment me with that story occasionally. Now brother-in-law and I never discuss it.

Where would you choose to go if you could win an all expenses paid trip anywhere in the world?

Italy. No question. My only problem would be deciding which places in Italy to visit and in which order. Can my all expenses paid trip be for like 3 months? That would be super. Because I want to do the tourist thing and see all the historical sites like the Vatican and Rome and Venice and Florence and so on but I also kind of just want to find a little village on the coast where I can swim and walk around exploring and drink homemade wine and dip crusty loaves of fresh baked bread into homemade olive oil and eat my weight in fantastic Italian food cooked for me by some one's grandma who doesn't speak a word of English but loves me and my enthusiasm for good food and good wine.

Wow I didn't think I had put that much thought into this fantasy trip of mine but... I guess its fairly clear I have! ~sigh~ I guess I should start playing lotto.

What is your fondest memory as a child?

Okay so I saved this one for last because... well because the first memories that popped into my head are memories that I don't want to be my happiest memories. That doesn't make any sense at all. Let's see if I can explain, or at least work it out in my own head, here in writing for all of you guys to witness my neurosis. So as a child of divorced parents I spent most of my summers in Mississippi with Jim (my father) until I was like ten or eleven. So the combination of it being summertime (yay!) and being with my father, who lived far away and I didn't see often, and the age that I was, means that most of my happy childhood memories involve him.

And I wish they didn't.

So I suppose I could sit here and spout memories of swimming until my fingers were prunes, or the excitement of getting up early for church on Sunday because "daddy" had to get there early, followed by big lunches at Po' Folks or Shoneys and lazy Sunday afternoons spent playing in the park or napping quietly indoors to escape the heat and humidity. But I don't want to. And I struggle with this more than I probably should.

Instead I'll tell you about a friend of my mom's whose name I can not remember but who had this beautiful, and huge, horse named Rio. Why can I remember the horse's name but not the woman's? Anyway. Like all little girls I loved horses. My mom shares this love to this day in fact. I had riding lessons and the whole nine yards. Somehow my mom managed to get me an invite to go up to the hills and ride this woman's fantastic horse. It was like flying. I think I can safely say that is the largest horse I have ever ridden, though I will allow for the fact that every thing seemed bigger when I was young. Even though I'm probably only like four inches taller now than I was then. Ha. Its funny what I can remember about that day (all but this poor woman's name!). It was slightly rainy and overcast, that kind of day where you kind of feel the rain sitting in the air? I was wearing jeans (shocking) and I remember being sore, that good kind of saddle sore, afterwards. I remember being shy and a little afraid to ride such a big horse but loving it once I was up in the saddle. I remember feeling tall (don't laugh) and I remember feeling that I was somehow more powerful through osmosis.

Which social cause is near and dear to your heart, and why?

Right now I'm spending a lot of time poking around over at the Courage Campaign. Though I have yet to host an event or anything, I do try and get the word out and help where I can because I believe in separation of church and state and I think that discrimination, for ANY reason, is wrong. In the past I have also volunteered with women's shelters and orphanages and I did a little dialing for dollars on the Obama campaign. Lets just say I'm a big fan of equality and will do pretty much anything in my power to ensure it. Sadly there isn't much IN my power to do which is SO frustrating!

*****

THE RULES: 1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” 2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Perspective

I feel like I have this GRAND VISION for the life I want. You know, the one in which I am fit and healthy and happy and spending my weekends doing fabulous things (mostly outdoors, natch) and have loads of wonderful friends to hang out with all the time?

Yeah, that vision.

The problem is... I can't seem to figure out how to get from here, the place where I am fat and out of shape, super lonely and sad all the time, to there. It's almost like THAT life is a 180 turn from THIS one and I'm stuck in an either/or situation.

You know what I mean?

Look at me go!

Three posts in one week y'all! Woot!

This new development just might have something to do with the fact that I have figured out how to blog from my cell phone, thus giving me more access since I am so very rarely in front of a computer any more. Though I do find it amusing that the one day I AM in front of a computer that none of the real life "friends of Tiffy" are online to chat with. Harrumph.

You know what else is amusing? The people at my gym who will drive around the parking lot for ages waiting for a close spot to park, right near the door, rather than just parking at the outer edges of the lot where there are plenty of spaces and walking in. I mean theoretically these folks are on their way to work out right? I wouldn't think that a 100 yard walk would be terribly out of the question if you are about to log several miles on the treadmill. But what do I know?

Speaking of the gym, I am having a super hard time staying motivated right now. It might have something to do with the fact that I have been busting my A$$ for weeks and watching what I eat and so on and have somehow (known only to God and my fat cells) managed to GAIN 2 pounds. Again I say to Mother Nature "what the hell"??? However, my company is sponsoring this fitness challenge thing that starts on V-Day and I am sorely tempted to join up. If it weren't for the $500 price tag I would have been the first in line but since catering doesn't pay nearly as well as mortgage banking I'm torn. Though since I am a mere 15 or 20 pounds away from my Heaviest. Weight. Ever. I am thinking it might be time to throw a little money at this problem. Because if I end up at that weight again I might just shot myself and have done with it.

I'm of course not 100% serious about the whole shooting myself thing. Only like 95% serious. It is a super, SUPER depressing thought. I'm just saying.

I suppose since none of my friends seem to want to come online to play with me I should go run errands and get some of the never-ending laundry and house-cleaning done before TheBoy and I head up to Shasta for the weekend. Here's to warm drinks by the bonfire, ping pong tournaments and good times with friends. Hopefully you all have a great weekend also!

Enough!

As I approach my 30th birthday I have come to accept that getting older means lots of good things like independence and being sure of myself and feeling confident and sexy and so on. Trust me, in my search for the silver lining I have bought into ALL of that stuff. I am 30! I am strong and independent! I am beautiful! Yada, yada, yada...

However, there are certain parts that are coming with getting older that I don't feel are particularly fair. For example the fact that I now know what under-eye concealer is for, and that I use it almost every day because either those dark circles under my eyes are getting darker or I'm becoming more paranoid about it. Either way, not good. And don't even get me started about that time I sneezed and... well lets just say that was a huge WTH moment. I mean really? What. The. Hell?!?!?!

But this morning I woke up to find the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I have a HUGE zit, right in the center of my nose ala Rudolph. And that sucker is painful! So on top of the dark eye circles and the dry skin and the *ahem* other joys of turning older I am now going to start breaking out like a freaking teenager? To that I say, enough Mother Nature.

Enough.

Public Service Announcement

To all my single IIFs, I now bring you the following news announcement. If you are looking for Mr. Right and are particularly fond of the tall, broad-shouldered, military and/or athletic type GET THEE TO YOUR NEAREST GUN SHOW!

TheBoy really, really, REALLY wanted to go to a gun show in San Francisco over the weekend and I, being the saintly wife that I am, agreed to accompany him. Best Saturday morning eye candy EVER! Seriously. If I wasn't already Mrs. TheBoy I would have been sorely tempted to smile back at any number of strapping men folk who were smiling in my direction. Perhaps it was the novelty of seeing a female at the show (I counted maybe another dozen ladies in attendance total) or maybe those boys are just friendly but...

Seriuosly. Gun Show. Who knew?

Being selfish

I have this theory that a vast majority of the world's conflicts could be solved if people would put themselves in the shoes of the other side to gain perspective. I wish people would take the time to consider things from the opposite view point a little more. Less "all about me" and more "what about them". If only people stopped to think what effect their actions and words would have on the recipient and/or witness to said words and actions... If only.

However, today on my way home from work (driving with the top down, IN JANUARY! Woot!) I was contemplating my new resolution to focus a little more on me and discovered that I have been practicing my own theory a little TOO much. I find that I care overmuch about other people's feelings, I am focused solely on my loved one's happiness to the detriment of my own. I imagine that in a perfect world I would be 100% focused on the happiness of my husband, my family, my friends and that they in turn would be 100% focused on MY happiness. Wishful thinking or just naivety? Hmm...

Either way, its safe to say that I spend a lot of time thinking about my loved ones and worrying about what I can do to make them happy which in turn leads to a lot of time spent nursing hurt feelings because they either don't seem to care that I have agonized over their happiness or that they don't seem to care as much about MY happiness as I do theirs. I think this whole "looking out for my star player"* thing is going to be more work than I thought considering its only half way through January and I am already struggling with it.

At least I am getting better at recognizing when my feelings are hurt because someone is actually a jerk as opposed to when my feelings are just hurt because I was hoping someone would take the initiative to make ME happy. I suppose people aren't mind readers and they can't be expected to just KNOW what I want in order to be happy. Though I think a little consideration wouldn't hurt. It's a fine line isn't it? Between being a little selfish and taking people for granted?


*Brownie points and my undying respect if anyone knows the quote.

What used to be and what is

I used to have pretty hands. No really. You know when people ask you what your favorite feature is and you try to laugh it off with something like “my fantastic, sarcastic wit” or something but what they really want is a physical feature? Most people I know would say eyes, or smile, or tush. But for me, it was always my hands. I was proud of them; I kept my nails manicured and always wore lotion… Maybe it was a little vanity thing on my part but I don’t care. I thought I had pretty hands.

I no longer have pretty hands. I now have cracked, chapped, dry, flaky, food-stained, bleach soaked hands. My nails tear on almost a daily basis from soaking in too much water, which is an amazing feat in and of itself because I keep them cut super short. I feel like I now have old lady hands, all that is missing are the age spots. But strangely enough I don’t really care. In fact, I would even say that in some way I’m even proud of my ugly hands. They are working hands, they got this way doing something that I love.

I used to have an obsession with pretty shoes. Nine West, Kenneth Cole, Anne Klein, Via Spiga, Steve Madden, Betsey Johnson, Paolo… I love these brands and I would literally be as giddy as a 7 year old on Christmas morning every time I got a new pair. Since in my wardrobe I tend to stick with the basic neutral colors like black, brown, gray, and beige, I would always buy outrageously colored shoes. Pink and white polka-dot pumps, teal blue sandals, orange and yellow cork soled wedges, burgundy red peep-toe mary-janes, cherry red ballet flats. I love ALL of those shoes.

However, now I wear shoes that fall under the category of “comfort” and “orthopedic”. I spend a majority of my days and weeks standing, running, climbing stairs and step-ladders and lifting heavy items. All of my designer shoes are painfully inappropriate now, for reasons other than their ridiculously high heels and their open toes. I recently broke down and purchased two pairs of shoes for work. But when I opened the box, instead of feeling the elation that usually accompanies a fantastic new shoe, all I felt was relief that I would have something to wear that wouldn’t make my feet ache by lunch and mild amusement that they weren’t quite as ugly as they looked online. Almost, but not quite.

I used to have other things also. Things I took for granted like, current email correspondence, a balanced checkbook and regular access to the internet for research, education and fun. Now I’m pretty sure most of my friends have given me up for lost, it just took me almost TWO HOURS to balance our checkbook because I haven’t done it in so long and I now rarely get to play on the internet for any purpose. I check my email every couple of days (though I rarely have time to respond in detail to anything), I catch up on reading what you all have posted on your blogs and I make mental notes for blog posts. Y’all, if someone would invent an easy (and legal) way to blog post from your car while driving I would be the most prolific blogger on earth. I seem to always have great ideas when driving and even sometimes compose entire posts in my head. Of course I can never remember them when I am sitting and staring at a blank Word document. Of course.

What I DO have now is a job that I actually enjoy. I wake up every morning and know that I have something to do today that is enjoyable and not an odorous chore to be dreaded and bitched about. I have a (modestly) clean home. Even though I have had to let go of some of my AR tendencies out of necessity and fears for my sanity, our home is generally clean and tidy. The fact that our Christmas decorations are still up is neither here nor there. Ahem. I have healthy groceries in the fridge and manage to cook something both healthy AND tasty most nights of the week. I have a snuggly kitty who lays on my feet at night since it is cold and I occasionally find a minute or two to read at night before exhaustion forces my eyes closed. I have been working out regularly again and between the working out and the actual work I actually feel tired, physically tired, at the end of the day. And that feels good my friends. Very, very good.

Resolute

Hello and Happy New Year!

I can not honestly believe that it is already 8 days in to 2009. Where is the time going? And could we slow it down? Maybe? Just a smidge? I am seriously not ready for this year, the year in which I will leave my 20's behind entirely. Lucky for me TheBoy is first on that front though judging by his reaction I might as well put in my request at work to hibernate the entire month of April.

In the spirit of the season I did make some resolutions. Actually I sort of made one big resolution and am hoping that a lot of other things will fall into place because of it. I have deemed 2009 to be the year of me. I realize that sounds selfish but trust me people I am about the LEAST selfish person you could ever know. I've been referred to as a doormat more times than I care to remember. But never mind that, THIS year I will be different. I will work to improve ME as my number one priority. I want to do things, accomplish things, change things... This will be the year I actually DO.

I hope.