There are a lot of things that I think of when I hear the term "not a good fit". Shopping for blue jeans, that guy who asked me out on a date over IM and general house remodeling projects spring rapidly to mind. But to hear it from a boss at a job I don't even like? It's a little humiliating.
Le sigh.
Let the unemployment and frantic job hunting begin!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Things, things and more things
Something is wrong with my dryer. It's been trying to dry clothes for over an hour and not only are they NOT dry, they are also not even remotely warm. I'm hoping this has something to do with the water heater replacement we just did (which seems logical because the water heater is gas and the dryer is gas) but knowing my luck this probably means that we need to buy a new dryer to replace this one. Which, did I mention, doesn't even belong to us? Yeah.
Last weekend among the rush and frantic cleaning out of the guest bedroom I managed to get in some sanding and plastering on the fancy new sliding glass door my mother in law bought us. Please ignore the fact that my MIL bought us said door over a month ago and that its been partially installed and looking wonky for far, far too long. Last night when I got home I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my lovely husband had done the spray texture thing so I could start painting. Don't ask why spray texture scares me. Hanging sheet rock - fine. Taping, plastering and sanding said sheet rock - also fine. Painting and trim work - fine. Spraying texture at my walls out of a giant hairspray canister - SCARY! There is no rhyme or reason to my madness.
Yesterday I cried at work. I'll give that a second to sink in for those of you who are just speed reading this post (shame!)... I. CRIED. AT. WORK. And sure I tried to blow it off like "what? these aren't tears!" But you know and I know that they knew they were tears. It was almost comical how every man in that office suddenly had to be somewhere RIGHT NOW and very far away from the crazy crying lady. Y'all. This is the peak of mortification. So I did what any grown woman of almost 30 would do... I hid in the bathroom until the red rimmed eye and blotchy cheek look faded* and then I calmly walked back to my desk, grabbed my cell phone, and escaped downstairs where I called my mommy. Ah yes... I love being an adult.
Why did I cry? Yeah well see its like this. At this new job we try to help people. With their finances. And in case you haven't heard the news lately, or haven't read a newspaper or maybe just generally have been tuning out of life, there are a lot of people out there with serious financial issues and the are having a hell of a time getting on their feet. And me? Well I'm one of those people that if you are sad, I am sad. And also I want to fix it. Because I don't like being sad and I certainly don't like it when other people are sad.
So I spend roughly half my day hearing people's sob stories about how their husband died, or they came back from being deployed to Iraq to find their wife was cheating on them and went through a terrible divorce, or how they lost their job or got ill and so on and so on and I FEEL for these people and I want to HELP them and FIX it. But I can't. Like 99% of the time I can't do a damn thing. The other half of my day I spend either talking to people's voice mails or getting yelled at. And I'm guessing that given the explanation above about how I tend to internalize other people's pain you can guess how good I am at getting yelled at. So yesterday afternoon after one particularly vehement yelling episode I lost it.
Fun!
But. On the flip side an old friend from high school has asked me to help her with her wedding so I'm looking forward to that. AND when I went over to my mom's house after work last night I got a brand new pair of super cute shoes! I'm pretty sure they were meant to be a Christmas present but when I called my mommy from the parking lot of my office after bursting into tears at work I imagine she thought to herself... "I know what will make my little girl happy - shoes!" And you know what? It kind of helped. I do love shoes after all. It might have been the mom hugs that did it too. There is something about the combination of cute new shoes and a mother's love that makes things right with the world.
After last weekend I was sort of hoping to have a quiet weekend at home this weekend but once again the universe has thwarted my plans. So tonight I will be attending the wedding of one of TheBoy's coworkers. This is a fun couple who live just down the road from us here and we've hung out with them a few times and always have a blast. The guy has this fancy off road truck so the boys sit and talk about trucks and engines and... whatever men talk about and me and his coworker just roll our eyes and laugh at them. And tomorrow morning, earlier that I think we should have to get up on a Saturday but I digress, we are leaving for Chico to attend the birthday party of TheBoy's best friend. Which should be fun but also means we'll be having two very late nights and most likely won't get anything done on our to-do lists.
Which reminds me... I should get back to painting and cleaning! Here's hoping you guys have a great weekend also!
*Why, oh why, can't I been one of those girls that looks all cute and pouty and sexily distraught when she cries? Alas no, I am cursed with the blotchy red cheeks and blood shot eyes and random runny nose look. HOT!
Last weekend among the rush and frantic cleaning out of the guest bedroom I managed to get in some sanding and plastering on the fancy new sliding glass door my mother in law bought us. Please ignore the fact that my MIL bought us said door over a month ago and that its been partially installed and looking wonky for far, far too long. Last night when I got home I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my lovely husband had done the spray texture thing so I could start painting. Don't ask why spray texture scares me. Hanging sheet rock - fine. Taping, plastering and sanding said sheet rock - also fine. Painting and trim work - fine. Spraying texture at my walls out of a giant hairspray canister - SCARY! There is no rhyme or reason to my madness.
Yesterday I cried at work. I'll give that a second to sink in for those of you who are just speed reading this post (shame!)... I. CRIED. AT. WORK. And sure I tried to blow it off like "what? these aren't tears!" But you know and I know that they knew they were tears. It was almost comical how every man in that office suddenly had to be somewhere RIGHT NOW and very far away from the crazy crying lady. Y'all. This is the peak of mortification. So I did what any grown woman of almost 30 would do... I hid in the bathroom until the red rimmed eye and blotchy cheek look faded* and then I calmly walked back to my desk, grabbed my cell phone, and escaped downstairs where I called my mommy. Ah yes... I love being an adult.
Why did I cry? Yeah well see its like this. At this new job we try to help people. With their finances. And in case you haven't heard the news lately, or haven't read a newspaper or maybe just generally have been tuning out of life, there are a lot of people out there with serious financial issues and the are having a hell of a time getting on their feet. And me? Well I'm one of those people that if you are sad, I am sad. And also I want to fix it. Because I don't like being sad and I certainly don't like it when other people are sad.
So I spend roughly half my day hearing people's sob stories about how their husband died, or they came back from being deployed to Iraq to find their wife was cheating on them and went through a terrible divorce, or how they lost their job or got ill and so on and so on and I FEEL for these people and I want to HELP them and FIX it. But I can't. Like 99% of the time I can't do a damn thing. The other half of my day I spend either talking to people's voice mails or getting yelled at. And I'm guessing that given the explanation above about how I tend to internalize other people's pain you can guess how good I am at getting yelled at. So yesterday afternoon after one particularly vehement yelling episode I lost it.
Fun!
But. On the flip side an old friend from high school has asked me to help her with her wedding so I'm looking forward to that. AND when I went over to my mom's house after work last night I got a brand new pair of super cute shoes! I'm pretty sure they were meant to be a Christmas present but when I called my mommy from the parking lot of my office after bursting into tears at work I imagine she thought to herself... "I know what will make my little girl happy - shoes!" And you know what? It kind of helped. I do love shoes after all. It might have been the mom hugs that did it too. There is something about the combination of cute new shoes and a mother's love that makes things right with the world.
After last weekend I was sort of hoping to have a quiet weekend at home this weekend but once again the universe has thwarted my plans. So tonight I will be attending the wedding of one of TheBoy's coworkers. This is a fun couple who live just down the road from us here and we've hung out with them a few times and always have a blast. The guy has this fancy off road truck so the boys sit and talk about trucks and engines and... whatever men talk about and me and his coworker just roll our eyes and laugh at them. And tomorrow morning, earlier that I think we should have to get up on a Saturday but I digress, we are leaving for Chico to attend the birthday party of TheBoy's best friend. Which should be fun but also means we'll be having two very late nights and most likely won't get anything done on our to-do lists.
Which reminds me... I should get back to painting and cleaning! Here's hoping you guys have a great weekend also!
*Why, oh why, can't I been one of those girls that looks all cute and pouty and sexily distraught when she cries? Alas no, I am cursed with the blotchy red cheeks and blood shot eyes and random runny nose look. HOT!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Even my eyelashes hurt
I love it when I make plans for my weekend and then the universe steps in, laughs hysterically and then proceeds to change my entire time line and to do list. On Friday evening my plans for the weekend included a quiet Friday evening, a Saturday spent running errands and cleaning the house and a Sunday having some much needed girl time with pedicures and lunch with friends.
Instead what ended up happening was one emotionally draining fight Friday night, an early morning call Saturday that TheBoy's niece needed to move some of her things in like "right now" and the subsequent frantic cleaning out of the room she will occupy when she moves in with us in a few weeks, another emotionally draining emergency early Sunday morning and relatively little to no "relaxing".
I suppose that requires a little more explanation doesn't it? TheBoy's niece (whom I adore) needs a place to live and since we are the closest family members with a spare room who also need some extra cash we're renting her a room for a few months. And by spare room I mean that third bedroom we've been storing all our crap in that we either haven't un-packed or didn't know what to do with for the past year. Also? ALL my clothes were in that closet.
And because I am a procrastinator and also because I had no freaking clue what I was going to do with my clothes, I have been putting off the cleaning of that room in preparation of her moving in. Until we got the call that she'd be over with a truck load of stuff in a few hours. We made piles for goodwill, we made piles for the dump, we made piles of things that we have to find places for, clothes were shuffled into linen closets and clothes were loaded into my car to be taken to my mom's for storage (thank GOD she lives so close!). I cleaned, I mopped, I dusted, I organized... It was a long. long, long day. Then on Sunday I woke up to my house in shambles and still more organizing and cleaning and work ahead of me.
Don't get me wrong, I feel like I accomplished a lot this weekend... I'm just exhausted and feel like I need another weekend to recover from my weekend! Also? I must be SUPER out of shape because I am sore in places I didn't even realize there were muscles! I think a nice quiet evening of sitting around on the couch and drinking a glass of wine the size of my head is in order. And the universe is sorely mistaken if it thinks it's going to screw with me this time... I WILL relax tonight dammit!
Instead what ended up happening was one emotionally draining fight Friday night, an early morning call Saturday that TheBoy's niece needed to move some of her things in like "right now" and the subsequent frantic cleaning out of the room she will occupy when she moves in with us in a few weeks, another emotionally draining emergency early Sunday morning and relatively little to no "relaxing".
I suppose that requires a little more explanation doesn't it? TheBoy's niece (whom I adore) needs a place to live and since we are the closest family members with a spare room who also need some extra cash we're renting her a room for a few months. And by spare room I mean that third bedroom we've been storing all our crap in that we either haven't un-packed or didn't know what to do with for the past year. Also? ALL my clothes were in that closet.
And because I am a procrastinator and also because I had no freaking clue what I was going to do with my clothes, I have been putting off the cleaning of that room in preparation of her moving in. Until we got the call that she'd be over with a truck load of stuff in a few hours. We made piles for goodwill, we made piles for the dump, we made piles of things that we have to find places for, clothes were shuffled into linen closets and clothes were loaded into my car to be taken to my mom's for storage (thank GOD she lives so close!). I cleaned, I mopped, I dusted, I organized... It was a long. long, long day. Then on Sunday I woke up to my house in shambles and still more organizing and cleaning and work ahead of me.
Don't get me wrong, I feel like I accomplished a lot this weekend... I'm just exhausted and feel like I need another weekend to recover from my weekend! Also? I must be SUPER out of shape because I am sore in places I didn't even realize there were muscles! I think a nice quiet evening of sitting around on the couch and drinking a glass of wine the size of my head is in order. And the universe is sorely mistaken if it thinks it's going to screw with me this time... I WILL relax tonight dammit!
Friday, September 19, 2008
MUCH better
So I don't know if its the fact that I am STILL loving my 20 minute max commute through city streets that never once force me on to a freeway or over a bridge but I just had an AWESOME week. AND I got to check off some projects from the list of things to do around the house!
It might have something to do with this (second) new job... Let's just say I have yet to have one of those "what the hell have I gotten myself into" moments and its been two whole days. I think I had one within the first 30 minutes at that other new job. I'm just saying. The whole happiness with the job might also have something to do with the super friendly, sarcastic humor having, sports watching, shit talking, hysterically funny group of guys I am working with. Or it might be the fact that I wore jeans to work today for like my first casual Friday ever. Jeans! To work!
I'm not saying I love this job... In fact I'm still pretty sure that the mortgage industry and I are destined to part ways. But at least for now, while I figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, I'm not miserable.
That's a start right?
It might have something to do with this (second) new job... Let's just say I have yet to have one of those "what the hell have I gotten myself into" moments and its been two whole days. I think I had one within the first 30 minutes at that other new job. I'm just saying. The whole happiness with the job might also have something to do with the super friendly, sarcastic humor having, sports watching, shit talking, hysterically funny group of guys I am working with. Or it might be the fact that I wore jeans to work today for like my first casual Friday ever. Jeans! To work!
I'm not saying I love this job... In fact I'm still pretty sure that the mortgage industry and I are destined to part ways. But at least for now, while I figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, I'm not miserable.
That's a start right?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Vegas Photos!
Look at me actually posting photos! Baby steps y'all...
So here are my amazingly hot sister-in-law Dawn, her amazingly hot daughter Nikki and me. The three of us shared a room and constituted "Team Chris" since we were all there representing the groom's side of the family...
The first night we finally got to Vegas and checked into our room about 11:00 pm. By the time we changed and refreshed ourselves it was almost midnight. And the three of us had not eaten! In fact the last thing I had eaten was half a breakfast sandwich with my latte from Starbucks at like 10 am that morning. So we decided we needed to eat (sadly the only thing open was the 24 hour cafe - you'd think that the city that never sleeps would have more late-night dining options but no). First we stopped by the "Team Christy" room to say hi and see what their plans were for the evening.
Here are all the girls that first night. Sometime between tequila shots one and two and definitely after Dawn and I had two glasses of red wine in the room while getting ready. Y'all. We had not even been to a bar or club yet! The bride is the one in blue. I married into a family of hotness y'all. Maybe it'll wear off on me! :D
After Dawn, Nikki and I ate we decided that since it was now well after mid-night that we would just hang out the three of us at the Studio 54 nightclub at MGM because we were far too lazy to go catch a taxi to the Wynn where the other girls were partying it up. We had a fantastic time. We danced, we flirted, we got free drinks... Life was good. At one point I wandered off to find the bathrooms and somehow in my drunken state made a friend. In the ladies room. She had driven out to Vegas from LA with a friend on a whim only to find when she got here that her friend's sometime boyfriend, sometime hook up buddy was there also. At which point she promptly got ditched. With friends like those...
At some point Dawn went to bed but Nikki and I stayed out dancing until they were closing the club. She met this SUPER cute British boy there and so I walked around with her and him and his friend. All I really remember about those boys is that Nik REALLY liked the one (and he was CUTE!) and the other one's name was Alister (how British!) and he was like 12 and kept talking about how he couldn't believe that the most beautiful girl he'd met all week was married. So he was a liar - but a cute one. And a fairly good sport for hanging out with the married chick so his "mate" could spend some time with Nikki. I think I finally made it to bed about 4:30 and Nikki staggered in sometime around 6:30.
The bride, also known as my soon to be new sister in law Christy, came in and woke up sometime around 10:30. AM. In Vegas. While I contemplated throwing sharp objects at her head until she left us alone for at least 2 more hours, Dawn and Nikki both hopped out of bed to get ready for the pool. Deciding I couldn't be outdone I grudgingly got up and slathered myself with sunscreen and headed with them off to the other room where we proceeded to drink mimosas for an hour and blared music so that I am sure the people next to us were cursing. Here is the bride looking shockingly bright eyed and bushy tailed!
And this was us trying to be all artistic and stuff taking pictures into the mirror outside Michael Mina's restaurant on our way to the pool party. Okay so its slightly off center and blurry. Its hard to take pictures into a mirror while a) not covering your face with the camera and therefore not looking at what you are shooting and b) after about 5 mimosas. I said I would post pictures, I didn't say they would be good.
The pool party was SO awesome. Not quite as awesome as that time TheBoy and I went to Rehab at the Hard Rock but pretty damn fun none the less. Also? I forget how much fun Vegas is when you are a gigantic group of girls. We walked straight into the pool, past the line of people waiting to go in, right past the line of people who were sort of in but still had to pay, and headed straight for the pool. It was forecasted to be 98 degrees (hah like the band!) in Vegas last Saturday and it felt it! We contemplated paying the ridiculous extra fee to have a place to sit (gotta love Vegas) but the other girls seemed confidant that we wouldn't need it and roughly 18 seconds later they had met a bachelor party who had not one but TWO private cabanas. Shade and seating problem fixed. Those guys were fun, they partied with us all day, gave us all sorts of free drinks, let us watch some college football and generally were just good times. You know since we basically took over their cabanas and all.
At some point in the afternoon it occurred to me that we had been drinking since 11:00 am and had had maybe 6 hours of sleep and had not eaten. So Dawn and I left to get some lunch (it seems strange to call it lunch since it was like at 4:00 pm but what can you do?) and then headed up to the room to shower and nap. LOL we were the oldest I guess! Once we were refreshed and beautified we headed over the the other room to check and see what the plan was for the night where we found the girls who hadn't even STARTED to get ready! They had partied down at the pool like rockstars and were now nursing espresso and trying to catch their second (third?) wind. The three of us decided to head down and have dinner and by the time we were finished the girls were beautiful and in full on party mode again.
Yes that is an inflatable male stripper doll, complete with anatomically correct erhm... well he was anatomically correct. Also there were about a million pages of guys cut out from playgirl magazine hanging up all over the room. It was awesome. The girls also made Christy a sign for the room and they were busy putting together about a million pages for a scrapbook. Some people are just too darn creative for their own good!
The last night we headed over to the Luxor to their club which is called LAX. It was the same exact thing as at the pool party. We walked straight past the line of people waiting to be selected to go in, past the line of people waiting to bribe the bouncers, past the line of people waiting to pay to get in and straight into the club. I love being a girl sometimes! Of course this time we didn't even have to wait a minute before we were invited into the VIP area. A cocktail waitress came right up to one of our girls as were were walking down the stairs into the club and told us she had a table of VIP guys looking for some girls to party with. Score! So we met yet another group of guys, these ones were all there because one of them had sold his company for a small fortune and had flown all his buddies out from the mid-west to party in Vegas for the weekend. There was even a guy there from Kerrville, Texas! Which I know is not exciting to anyone but me but... Kerrville! That's only like an hour from where I lived!
So we danced, and danced, and drank, and laughed and helped Christy with a list of dares she had to do that evening. We met the guys in the next VIP booth over who were a bachelor party from LA. It was such a good time. All the guys we met were so fun and friendly and they danced, and we danced, and I practically screamed myself hoarse "singing" along to Journey and Whitesnake songs, and I don't think I ever sat down or stopped dancing for longer than the two or three seconds it took me to sip from my drink. Cause y'all know I can't drink and dance at the same time. At one point we were dancing actually on top of the couches and this (super hot) bouncer came over and told us we'd have to take off our shoes if we stayed up there... Done! Dancing in cute high heels is painful enough but dancing in high heels with a huge blister on the bottom of your foot from burning it at the pool earlier is pretty much torture. One other girl's feet were literally bloody by the end of the night. Why do we women do this to ourselves?
It was another late night. Dawn and I left the girls at about 3:00 and ran into the first group of guys from that night (the one with the sold company) in the lobby. We hung out with them for awhile but declined the invitation to go back and check out their suite at the Palms. Because while I wouldn't have minded seeing this fancy suite at the Palms I didn't really want to be alone the two of us with 10 guys no matter how nice they were! So we caught a taxi back to the MGM and headed up to our room to change into jammies and watch comedy on TV and eat late night room service. It was so fun! I think we finally fell asleep sometime around 5 am. Me! 5 am! Two nights in a row! I have no idea how that happened... :D The rest of the girls staggered home sometime around 7:30 am. They are rockstars.
Sunday was just sleeping in until the last possible second before we had to check out and making our respective ways home. I'll admit I was a little nervous going into this trip because we didn't know any of the girls coming and sometimes girls can be... not so fun. But there was absolutely no drama, no pettiness and I had zero urge to slap anyone (except maybe once because they were too cute and skinny, or when Christy tried to wake me up that time...). We got along fantastically well and had the best party weekend ever. And now we'll all know each other when we get together to party next month at the wedding! Definitely just what I needed to take my mind off the super funk, crisis mode I've been in the last week.
So here are my amazingly hot sister-in-law Dawn, her amazingly hot daughter Nikki and me. The three of us shared a room and constituted "Team Chris" since we were all there representing the groom's side of the family...
The first night we finally got to Vegas and checked into our room about 11:00 pm. By the time we changed and refreshed ourselves it was almost midnight. And the three of us had not eaten! In fact the last thing I had eaten was half a breakfast sandwich with my latte from Starbucks at like 10 am that morning. So we decided we needed to eat (sadly the only thing open was the 24 hour cafe - you'd think that the city that never sleeps would have more late-night dining options but no). First we stopped by the "Team Christy" room to say hi and see what their plans were for the evening.
Here are all the girls that first night. Sometime between tequila shots one and two and definitely after Dawn and I had two glasses of red wine in the room while getting ready. Y'all. We had not even been to a bar or club yet! The bride is the one in blue. I married into a family of hotness y'all. Maybe it'll wear off on me! :D
After Dawn, Nikki and I ate we decided that since it was now well after mid-night that we would just hang out the three of us at the Studio 54 nightclub at MGM because we were far too lazy to go catch a taxi to the Wynn where the other girls were partying it up. We had a fantastic time. We danced, we flirted, we got free drinks... Life was good. At one point I wandered off to find the bathrooms and somehow in my drunken state made a friend. In the ladies room. She had driven out to Vegas from LA with a friend on a whim only to find when she got here that her friend's sometime boyfriend, sometime hook up buddy was there also. At which point she promptly got ditched. With friends like those...
At some point Dawn went to bed but Nikki and I stayed out dancing until they were closing the club. She met this SUPER cute British boy there and so I walked around with her and him and his friend. All I really remember about those boys is that Nik REALLY liked the one (and he was CUTE!) and the other one's name was Alister (how British!) and he was like 12 and kept talking about how he couldn't believe that the most beautiful girl he'd met all week was married. So he was a liar - but a cute one. And a fairly good sport for hanging out with the married chick so his "mate" could spend some time with Nikki. I think I finally made it to bed about 4:30 and Nikki staggered in sometime around 6:30.
The bride, also known as my soon to be new sister in law Christy, came in and woke up sometime around 10:30. AM. In Vegas. While I contemplated throwing sharp objects at her head until she left us alone for at least 2 more hours, Dawn and Nikki both hopped out of bed to get ready for the pool. Deciding I couldn't be outdone I grudgingly got up and slathered myself with sunscreen and headed with them off to the other room where we proceeded to drink mimosas for an hour and blared music so that I am sure the people next to us were cursing. Here is the bride looking shockingly bright eyed and bushy tailed!
And this was us trying to be all artistic and stuff taking pictures into the mirror outside Michael Mina's restaurant on our way to the pool party. Okay so its slightly off center and blurry. Its hard to take pictures into a mirror while a) not covering your face with the camera and therefore not looking at what you are shooting and b) after about 5 mimosas. I said I would post pictures, I didn't say they would be good.
The pool party was SO awesome. Not quite as awesome as that time TheBoy and I went to Rehab at the Hard Rock but pretty damn fun none the less. Also? I forget how much fun Vegas is when you are a gigantic group of girls. We walked straight into the pool, past the line of people waiting to go in, right past the line of people who were sort of in but still had to pay, and headed straight for the pool. It was forecasted to be 98 degrees (hah like the band!) in Vegas last Saturday and it felt it! We contemplated paying the ridiculous extra fee to have a place to sit (gotta love Vegas) but the other girls seemed confidant that we wouldn't need it and roughly 18 seconds later they had met a bachelor party who had not one but TWO private cabanas. Shade and seating problem fixed. Those guys were fun, they partied with us all day, gave us all sorts of free drinks, let us watch some college football and generally were just good times. You know since we basically took over their cabanas and all.At some point in the afternoon it occurred to me that we had been drinking since 11:00 am and had had maybe 6 hours of sleep and had not eaten. So Dawn and I left to get some lunch (it seems strange to call it lunch since it was like at 4:00 pm but what can you do?) and then headed up to the room to shower and nap. LOL we were the oldest I guess! Once we were refreshed and beautified we headed over the the other room to check and see what the plan was for the night where we found the girls who hadn't even STARTED to get ready! They had partied down at the pool like rockstars and were now nursing espresso and trying to catch their second (third?) wind. The three of us decided to head down and have dinner and by the time we were finished the girls were beautiful and in full on party mode again.
Yes that is an inflatable male stripper doll, complete with anatomically correct erhm... well he was anatomically correct. Also there were about a million pages of guys cut out from playgirl magazine hanging up all over the room. It was awesome. The girls also made Christy a sign for the room and they were busy putting together about a million pages for a scrapbook. Some people are just too darn creative for their own good!
The last night we headed over to the Luxor to their club which is called LAX. It was the same exact thing as at the pool party. We walked straight past the line of people waiting to be selected to go in, past the line of people waiting to bribe the bouncers, past the line of people waiting to pay to get in and straight into the club. I love being a girl sometimes! Of course this time we didn't even have to wait a minute before we were invited into the VIP area. A cocktail waitress came right up to one of our girls as were were walking down the stairs into the club and told us she had a table of VIP guys looking for some girls to party with. Score! So we met yet another group of guys, these ones were all there because one of them had sold his company for a small fortune and had flown all his buddies out from the mid-west to party in Vegas for the weekend. There was even a guy there from Kerrville, Texas! Which I know is not exciting to anyone but me but... Kerrville! That's only like an hour from where I lived!
So we danced, and danced, and drank, and laughed and helped Christy with a list of dares she had to do that evening. We met the guys in the next VIP booth over who were a bachelor party from LA. It was such a good time. All the guys we met were so fun and friendly and they danced, and we danced, and I practically screamed myself hoarse "singing" along to Journey and Whitesnake songs, and I don't think I ever sat down or stopped dancing for longer than the two or three seconds it took me to sip from my drink. Cause y'all know I can't drink and dance at the same time. At one point we were dancing actually on top of the couches and this (super hot) bouncer came over and told us we'd have to take off our shoes if we stayed up there... Done! Dancing in cute high heels is painful enough but dancing in high heels with a huge blister on the bottom of your foot from burning it at the pool earlier is pretty much torture. One other girl's feet were literally bloody by the end of the night. Why do we women do this to ourselves?
It was another late night. Dawn and I left the girls at about 3:00 and ran into the first group of guys from that night (the one with the sold company) in the lobby. We hung out with them for awhile but declined the invitation to go back and check out their suite at the Palms. Because while I wouldn't have minded seeing this fancy suite at the Palms I didn't really want to be alone the two of us with 10 guys no matter how nice they were! So we caught a taxi back to the MGM and headed up to our room to change into jammies and watch comedy on TV and eat late night room service. It was so fun! I think we finally fell asleep sometime around 5 am. Me! 5 am! Two nights in a row! I have no idea how that happened... :D The rest of the girls staggered home sometime around 7:30 am. They are rockstars.
Sunday was just sleeping in until the last possible second before we had to check out and making our respective ways home. I'll admit I was a little nervous going into this trip because we didn't know any of the girls coming and sometimes girls can be... not so fun. But there was absolutely no drama, no pettiness and I had zero urge to slap anyone (except maybe once because they were too cute and skinny, or when Christy tried to wake me up that time...). We got along fantastically well and had the best party weekend ever. And now we'll all know each other when we get together to party next month at the wedding! Definitely just what I needed to take my mind off the super funk, crisis mode I've been in the last week.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Vegas!
OMG you guys I just had the best weekend ever in Las Vegas with my soon to be new sister-in-law! I'll post pictures as soon as I can find that stupid cable thingy for my camera... Which I think TheBoy has in his computer bag but it was SO fun. Exactly what I needed. The highlights include:
~Not going to bed until 5 am either night. Me! 5 am!
~Dancing, dancing and more dancing.
~The gigantic blister I have on the bottom of my foot from burning it on the hot as hell concrete at the pool party at MGM.
~The bride's amazingly hot AND nice friends who were so fun!
~Hanging out in the VIP areas everywhere we went because of the above mentioned HOT friends.
~Have I mentioned the dancing?
~The weather was FANTASTIC! Warm and sunny just the way I like it.
And there was so, so much more. I'll try to remember highlights later for when I post pictures. :D
Oh! Also on the whole mid-life crisis front I at least think I have found a job that will help pay the bills while I try to figure out what the hell it is I want to be when I grow up (though I do like Kate's idea of wining the lotto and become ladies of leisure...). More on that later too. Don't want to jinx anything before it happens. You know.
~Not going to bed until 5 am either night. Me! 5 am!
~Dancing, dancing and more dancing.
~The gigantic blister I have on the bottom of my foot from burning it on the hot as hell concrete at the pool party at MGM.
~The bride's amazingly hot AND nice friends who were so fun!
~Hanging out in the VIP areas everywhere we went because of the above mentioned HOT friends.
~Have I mentioned the dancing?
~The weather was FANTASTIC! Warm and sunny just the way I like it.
And there was so, so much more. I'll try to remember highlights later for when I post pictures. :D
Oh! Also on the whole mid-life crisis front I at least think I have found a job that will help pay the bills while I try to figure out what the hell it is I want to be when I grow up (though I do like Kate's idea of wining the lotto and become ladies of leisure...). More on that later too. Don't want to jinx anything before it happens. You know.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Mid-Life Crisis?
Is 29 too young to have a mid-life crisis? I mean ideally I would like to live beyond 60... Assuming I am still in good health. But this can't be a quarter life crisis because I REALLY don't want to live to be 120! Either way, crisis I am having. I think I have pretty much concluded that I don't really LIKE real estate or mortgages. And I can't believe that this is what I should spend the next 30 some odd years doing just because I happen to be fairly good at it. I mean, right? How can I condemn myself to a life sentence of working at something I don't enjoy?
The logical next question is... what DO I like to do? The answer is a resounding "I have no effing clue!" Because I am a HUGE dork, and also because I am seriously desperate here guys, I went online earlier today and googled "what do I want to be when I grow up" and up came a few pages, one of which was this online test thing where you answer a bunch of questions and it matches you to some careers.
#1 Personal Trainer.
#2 Event Planner.
#3 Teacher.
Now I'm not sure where #3 came from... I apparently missed the check box next to "hates kids" or something. #2 is not a shocker given I love cooking and planning parties and so on. I've even looked into that as a career path numerous times and even had my own catering business for awhile. Sadly getting a culinary degree is prohibitively expensive and it seems that to get an event planning job you either have to have loads of experience (which I am not sure how I am supposed to get if EVERYONE requires experience but that's neither here nor there) or you pretty much have to know someone in the industry who will hook you up with something on the bottom rung so you can work your way up. Anyone out there know anyone who works in event planning that is hiring?
Now #1 shocked me a little. I guess I can't see past these 20 pounds I've been adding over the past year. I mean would any of you hire a chubby trainer? Not to mention I haven't seen the inside of a gym in months and my running shoes get mostly used for aerobics tapes in the living room these days. But I was talking to BFL this afternoon and she didn't seem surprised at all. I do have a lot of information running around in my head from working with the nutritionist... And I DO enjoy being active. Plus it would fit right in with my whole, hates to sit at a desk for 8 hours, likes flexibility and to be outside as much as possible, likes to help people thing. AND in its defense it is relatively inexpensive to get certified to be a personal trainer.
I guess I should have paid more attention when I was joking with TheBoy that I am just waiting for him to make the big bucks so I can stay home and teach yoga for a living!
Am I totally crazy y'all? Cause I kind of feel like I am losing my freaking mind over here! I am actually seriously considering trying to find a waitress job or a retail job for a few months so I can at least make SOME $ while I try to figure this all out... But how do I tell me people I left a perfectly respectable industry (that I had been in for a decade) to wait tables and find a dream job?? Aren't I just a smidgen too old for this crap?
The upside to all this? Even with the no job, no money thing looming over my head I am happier now in the last couple weeks than I have been in well over a year. That has to count for something right?
The logical next question is... what DO I like to do? The answer is a resounding "I have no effing clue!" Because I am a HUGE dork, and also because I am seriously desperate here guys, I went online earlier today and googled "what do I want to be when I grow up" and up came a few pages, one of which was this online test thing where you answer a bunch of questions and it matches you to some careers.
#1 Personal Trainer.
#2 Event Planner.
#3 Teacher.
Now I'm not sure where #3 came from... I apparently missed the check box next to "hates kids" or something. #2 is not a shocker given I love cooking and planning parties and so on. I've even looked into that as a career path numerous times and even had my own catering business for awhile. Sadly getting a culinary degree is prohibitively expensive and it seems that to get an event planning job you either have to have loads of experience (which I am not sure how I am supposed to get if EVERYONE requires experience but that's neither here nor there) or you pretty much have to know someone in the industry who will hook you up with something on the bottom rung so you can work your way up. Anyone out there know anyone who works in event planning that is hiring?
Now #1 shocked me a little. I guess I can't see past these 20 pounds I've been adding over the past year. I mean would any of you hire a chubby trainer? Not to mention I haven't seen the inside of a gym in months and my running shoes get mostly used for aerobics tapes in the living room these days. But I was talking to BFL this afternoon and she didn't seem surprised at all. I do have a lot of information running around in my head from working with the nutritionist... And I DO enjoy being active. Plus it would fit right in with my whole, hates to sit at a desk for 8 hours, likes flexibility and to be outside as much as possible, likes to help people thing. AND in its defense it is relatively inexpensive to get certified to be a personal trainer.
I guess I should have paid more attention when I was joking with TheBoy that I am just waiting for him to make the big bucks so I can stay home and teach yoga for a living!
Am I totally crazy y'all? Cause I kind of feel like I am losing my freaking mind over here! I am actually seriously considering trying to find a waitress job or a retail job for a few months so I can at least make SOME $ while I try to figure this all out... But how do I tell me people I left a perfectly respectable industry (that I had been in for a decade) to wait tables and find a dream job?? Aren't I just a smidgen too old for this crap?
The upside to all this? Even with the no job, no money thing looming over my head I am happier now in the last couple weeks than I have been in well over a year. That has to count for something right?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
What do I want to be when I grow up?
So I know I owe you guys more info on the whole new job thing… The problem is that I am really conflicted about how I feel about it. So forgive me while I try and get my thoughts straight here and of course any (positive) feedback you have to offer me is always welcome. I’m trying to figure out what exactly it is I’m doing right now and I figure maybe I should look back on my past jobs and see if I can figure out what I like and what I don’t like.
So. I’m the type of person that always has to be learning. I can illustrate this by outlining my job progress at any company I’ve worked at since I began working at 16. My first job was with a retail company that specializes in children’s clothes. I began working there part time at 16. A few months in I was getting more and more shifts and also being asked to participate in stocking shifts both at my store and at another nearby store. The regional manager knew my name.
While still working there I took a seasonal retail position with a gaming store during Christmas. When the season was over I was asked if I was interested in taking an assistant manager position with their closest permanent store which was in San Francisco. I declined. I eventually landed with a stationary store and quickly moved from part time salesperson, to a supervisor handling scheduling, training and banking aspects. During my senior year of high school and every summer I worked pretty close to full time. It was assumed I would eventually go through the management program and move up. I did not. I went to college instead.
During the first semester of college or two I held a few boring, menial jobs with absolutely zero brain power required. I worked as a delivery person for a graphic design company, I worked as a nanny (yes – this is what I blame now when people ask me why I do not want children), I worked pretty much anywhere and everywhere that offered me a job. It was crazy but I was in college and really only cared about the paycheck. I wasn’t so concerned about a “career path” at that time.
And then I took my first real estate job as a receptionist for a local high end real estate firm. I started working afternoons, then took some weekends, I helped set up and open a new office, and so on and so on. I finally felt like I was in a place doing something semi-challenging that was making a difference to my employers. And then I got bored. So I took a position as an assistant to the in house lender in my real estate office. Again I felt challenged and excited and like I was an important contributing member of a team. And then I got bored. Again.
From there I took a part-time position with a team of two high volume real estate professionals back at my original real estate firm (but in a different office). I LOVED that job y’all. I felt useful, knowledgeable, challenged. I loved being out looking at houses, I loved staging, I loved marketing, I loved that every day was different. I had left college and was working full time within the first 4 months and I was a licensed realtor in month 7. I worked there for almost 2 years. And then 9/11 happened. I sometimes wonder where I would be today if it hadn’t. Would I have eventually gotten bored there also?
Being unemployed without a college degree in the wake of 9/11 was a scary place to be. I took some seasonal holiday work at Bloomingdale’s (who subsequently asked me to stay on full time) for a few months. I eventually landed as a paralegal/office manager in a estate planning law firm. What I really was however, was a highly paid babysitter for my manic depressive boss. In my short time in that office, people were hired, they were fired (for whimsical reasons like “they didn’t have enough energy”), people quit, threatened lawsuits, books were thrown, emotional melt downs were had… It was stressful to say the least.
And then someone I had worked closely with when I was in real estate found me and began pursuing me to take a position with his company, a mortgage brokerage. It was an easy choice to leave the law firm, though the attorney (my boss) did make some crazy offers to get me to stay. This new job was supposed to be a kind of internship. I was going to work for the broker/owner, basically as his assistant, while I learned the business and eventually went out on my own to become a mortgage banker. That is what it was SUPPOSED to be. What it ended up being was a glorified receptionist position where I was stuck behind a computer or in front of a copy machine for 8 hours straight. No one offered to teach me the business, I wasn’t learning, I wasn’t challenged, and probably most importantly I was not one of the “favorites” in the office. That was the only job I have ever been fired from. I was actively looking for a new job because I was so miserable and someone I sent my resume too forwarded it on to my then boss. Apparently they frown on that.
Unemployment seems to be a common thread here among my job history. Luckily for me the job market was pretty good back then and I think I was actually only unemployed for a week or two. I took a position as the marketing director for a commercial real estate firm specializing in apartment buildings. Finally I was back in a challenging position where I felt like I was growing and learning and making a difference. The only problem? Yet another crazy boss. I seem to attract them don’t I? Only this one was also terminally ill (though interestingly enough for being terminally ill she’s lived quite a full and active life these past years) so it’s not like anyone was telling her she was a raving bitch. Even her husband tip-toed around her and if it’s one thing I’ve learned to hate it’s a spineless man. She would spread rumors about her staff, so and so had a drug problem, this other one drank, this one over here had never gotten her mental faculties back after her husband’s death… But she? Perfect in every way. Funny how her one daughter and son in law didn’t want her in their lives, one son and daughter in law moved as far away from her as they could get and still be in the US and the other daughter… well I think she actually might have had a drunk or alcohol problem. When I started crying on my way into work in the mornings and sobbing hysterically on my way home I knew I had to get out. I resigned the day before my 25th birthday. I had no job lined up. I was unemployed again.
I played around with having my own catering company because cooking had always been a passion of mine. In fact ever since I was a young girl I have dreamed of owning my own restaurant. But frankly culinary school is prohibitively expensive and the few things I catered and actually got PAID for ended up not being enough to pay the bills, so to speak. I remember one remarkable event where after the price of food and equipment and so on I think I made $200. For an event I worked on sporadically for weeks and slaved over for 3 whole days with very little sleep. You do the math, that’s not a very good going rate.
Luckily for me, while I was playing at being a caterer another position came my way. This time it was for a bank, as an assistant to a mortgage loan officer. This position evolved into the position I most recently left after nearly 4 years. And my recent posts and the last year or so aside I loved that job. Again I was challenged and felt like I was essential to a team. But, as seems to be my lot in life, I got bored. It stopped being challenging and started being mundane, there was nothing left for me to learn. And eventually having a boss I loved and work I was good at no longer made up for the heinous commute and the boredom I felt. I felt like the only place to go from there was to be out on my own as a banker. Someplace closer to home, someplace where I could have the flexibility in my schedule to be out meeting with people, to not sit in front of a computer or copier all day, to move on.
But now that I’ve done that I wonder if moving on to a banker position is really what I WANTED or if it was merely what was EXPECTED. I don’t want to look back in 5 years and have yet another string of un-fulfilling jobs behind me. I don’t want to keep finding things I love only to become bored in a few months or years. Why can’t I just find a job and stick in it no matter what like some people can? Why do I always need to be learning, be challenged, doing something new? And probably most importantly is there a career out there for me where I CAN find all of those things?
Thursday, September 04, 2008
What? Like, it's hard?
Okay so you know the scene in Legally Blonde where Elle is getting ready for her first class at Harvard Law and she's dressed in that terrible tweed sweater thing and wearing designer glasses and she looks in the mirror and says to her reflection "I totally look the part"?? Okay I just had that moment in my bathroom. I'm all dressed in my cute little brown skirt suit with an appropriate yet fun little blouse and some really cute shoes (cause y'all know I have to have cute shoes!) and I thought to myself... "I totally look the part".
The problem is I don't FEEL the part yet. I guess that is what is scariest about starting a new job. (Also? Hi! I got a new job! I know I owe you an explanation post - stay tuned.) Mentally I am ready for this. I've worked my ass of to get here, it is the logical next step and it could end up being better than I ever dreamed. And yet emotionally I'm still kind of like... really? This is what I am growing up to be? How did THAT happen?
So anyway. Wish me luck. Orientation at the new job starts in 45 minutes. If you need me I'll be in the bathroom vomiting.
The problem is I don't FEEL the part yet. I guess that is what is scariest about starting a new job. (Also? Hi! I got a new job! I know I owe you an explanation post - stay tuned.) Mentally I am ready for this. I've worked my ass of to get here, it is the logical next step and it could end up being better than I ever dreamed. And yet emotionally I'm still kind of like... really? This is what I am growing up to be? How did THAT happen?
So anyway. Wish me luck. Orientation at the new job starts in 45 minutes. If you need me I'll be in the bathroom vomiting.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I think they call it irony...
At the gas station yesterday morning I pulled in behind a nearly 400 pound man driving a Honda Fit. Do you think he sees the humor in that scenario? I hope so.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Real Life 101 for the Over-Achiever
TheBoy said to me the other day “You talk big but you have no follow through.” Ouch. But you know what? He’s right. I always have big dreams and big plans but rarely do I have the follow through to see them to the desired end results. For example, when we first became engaged I had roughly 9 months to get into shape. I researched bridal boot camps and workouts, checked into ways to better my diet and we joined a gym in our new hometown. Did I get into shape in the following 9 months? Nope. I even managed to GAIN about 15 pounds in those months. Awesome.
So right before the wedding, when I realized that I was indeed going to be a huge fat ass on my wedding day, I came up with a new plan. The “best shape of my life before 30” plan. I figure I have about 9 months before my 30th birthday and TheBoy has about 6 months before the same milestone. I was determined we were going to eat well, exercise and generally give up all things bad for us. The start date of the BSOMLB30 plan was July 8th. I have officially been to the gym twice since then. I am back to eating like a responsible adult and I did quit smoking (woot!) but… I’m not as far along as I thought I would be so I am discouraged.
In a moment of “ah ha!” clarity this morning I realized that this is the key to why I don’t have good follow through. Being discouraged. Because I have all these grand plans and I think I’m just going to snap my fingers and presto I’m healthy and fit and skinny and sexy. But in the real world things don’t work like that. In the real world TheBoy breaks a rib and isn’t super motivated about going to the gym with me (and I hate going to new places alone). In the real world you don’t just magically lose 10 pounds in a week. In the real world progress is slow. This is going to be a valuable lesson learned for me I think.
For example, I have started writing again with the thought of someday finishing a novel. When I first decided to buckle down as the case were and get serious about writing I made a grand plan. I joined a few online writing groups, I bought books on character building and how to get past writer’s block and creative expressions. When I dream I dream BIG. But realistically how many words have I written since I decided to “get serious?” Maybe 10. And because of this I feel discouraged and I am not motivated to continue writing.
Anyone noticing a pattern here?
I also think sometimes that in addition to being unrealistic about my progress/goals that I attempt to take on too many things at once. Planning your dream wedding is stressful. Planning someone else’s dream for your wedding? Double the stress. At least. And on top of that stressful event we bought a house. Buying a house is admittedly one of the most stressful things you do as an adult. But because we are over-achievers when it comes to stress, not only did we buy a house, we bought a house about as far away from our jobs and friends and past life as humanly possible and still be living “in the area”. Go us. And on top of the wedding and the house we had my diet and exercise plan PLUS the writing plan. Looking back I can see that I might have one or two things too many on my plate.
So today I am making a new plan. That plan is to not make any plans. I want to go to the gym and work out because I love the feeling I get from it, because it makes me feel healthy and strong, not because I’m afraid people think I am a fat ass. I want to eat right because I know it’s the right thing to do, to be environmentally conscious, to be aware of what I am putting in my body, because it feels good not because I am desperately trying to lose 25 pounds in a month. I want to write the way I used to, fast and free flowing, from the heart, not because I think I NEED to have written a novel to be considered a serious writer.
I am entering a place that is totally Zen y’all. Hopefully this time the results will be better. Without any expectations to live up to I shouldn't get so discouraged. Not being discouraged should stop me from feeling like saying “to hell with it all” and giving up. Not giving up means that I might actually have some long-term results. This would be a good thing. My inner OCD freak is rebelling against this new theory with all its might because it feels like I’m saying it is okay to be an under-achiever, that it is okay to not push your self or strive to be the best. I’m trying to convince myself that this is not the case. I still want big and great things for myself, I just want to realize that I don’t need to have them all RIGHT NOW.
Except for the job change. That I want RIGHT NOW. Though between you, me and the internets at large, something big is in the works. Something exciting and wonderful and perfect but also so terrifying that it sometimes makes me want to rock myself back and forth in a corner and chew on my hair. Cross your fingers for me!
So right before the wedding, when I realized that I was indeed going to be a huge fat ass on my wedding day, I came up with a new plan. The “best shape of my life before 30” plan. I figure I have about 9 months before my 30th birthday and TheBoy has about 6 months before the same milestone. I was determined we were going to eat well, exercise and generally give up all things bad for us. The start date of the BSOMLB30 plan was July 8th. I have officially been to the gym twice since then. I am back to eating like a responsible adult and I did quit smoking (woot!) but… I’m not as far along as I thought I would be so I am discouraged.
In a moment of “ah ha!” clarity this morning I realized that this is the key to why I don’t have good follow through. Being discouraged. Because I have all these grand plans and I think I’m just going to snap my fingers and presto I’m healthy and fit and skinny and sexy. But in the real world things don’t work like that. In the real world TheBoy breaks a rib and isn’t super motivated about going to the gym with me (and I hate going to new places alone). In the real world you don’t just magically lose 10 pounds in a week. In the real world progress is slow. This is going to be a valuable lesson learned for me I think.
For example, I have started writing again with the thought of someday finishing a novel. When I first decided to buckle down as the case were and get serious about writing I made a grand plan. I joined a few online writing groups, I bought books on character building and how to get past writer’s block and creative expressions. When I dream I dream BIG. But realistically how many words have I written since I decided to “get serious?” Maybe 10. And because of this I feel discouraged and I am not motivated to continue writing.
Anyone noticing a pattern here?
I also think sometimes that in addition to being unrealistic about my progress/goals that I attempt to take on too many things at once. Planning your dream wedding is stressful. Planning someone else’s dream for your wedding? Double the stress. At least. And on top of that stressful event we bought a house. Buying a house is admittedly one of the most stressful things you do as an adult. But because we are over-achievers when it comes to stress, not only did we buy a house, we bought a house about as far away from our jobs and friends and past life as humanly possible and still be living “in the area”. Go us. And on top of the wedding and the house we had my diet and exercise plan PLUS the writing plan. Looking back I can see that I might have one or two things too many on my plate.
So today I am making a new plan. That plan is to not make any plans. I want to go to the gym and work out because I love the feeling I get from it, because it makes me feel healthy and strong, not because I’m afraid people think I am a fat ass. I want to eat right because I know it’s the right thing to do, to be environmentally conscious, to be aware of what I am putting in my body, because it feels good not because I am desperately trying to lose 25 pounds in a month. I want to write the way I used to, fast and free flowing, from the heart, not because I think I NEED to have written a novel to be considered a serious writer.
I am entering a place that is totally Zen y’all. Hopefully this time the results will be better. Without any expectations to live up to I shouldn't get so discouraged. Not being discouraged should stop me from feeling like saying “to hell with it all” and giving up. Not giving up means that I might actually have some long-term results. This would be a good thing. My inner OCD freak is rebelling against this new theory with all its might because it feels like I’m saying it is okay to be an under-achiever, that it is okay to not push your self or strive to be the best. I’m trying to convince myself that this is not the case. I still want big and great things for myself, I just want to realize that I don’t need to have them all RIGHT NOW.
Except for the job change. That I want RIGHT NOW. Though between you, me and the internets at large, something big is in the works. Something exciting and wonderful and perfect but also so terrifying that it sometimes makes me want to rock myself back and forth in a corner and chew on my hair. Cross your fingers for me!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
First Kiss
I know I have already written about my first kiss. But to be 100% honest it wasn’t exactly my FIRST kiss. It was my first grown up kiss, my first “French” kiss but it wasn’t my actual true life first kiss with a boy. I was recently reminded of this fact by the man who actually DID give me my first kiss. As we reminisced about that fateful event the memories came flooding back and I thought I would chronicle them in case I become fuzzy on the details again in another 17 years.
He was literally the boy next door. Or rather, if you want to nitpick, he was the boy three doors down. After moving back to California the summer before the 7th grade I suddenly found myself friendless and bored. Lucky for me there was a man three doors down who was divorced but had two children who came to spend the summer with him, a boy and a girl who flanked me in age, one year older and one year younger respectively.
Instantly we were inseparable. The girl (we’ll call her T) became like a little sister and, having no siblings of my own, I enjoyed hanging out with her and gossiping about boys and clothes and music. It did not escape my attention that her brother (we’ll call him J) was in fact a boy, and also older, and also he was apparently as interested in me as I was in him. Even blondes can tell those types of things. I’m just saying is all.
I’m not sure how or when it happened… But at some point we became less of a threesome and more of a twosome with a little sister tagging along. They had a mattress in one of their bedrooms which we used to lean against a wall and use as a sort of make-shift slide and general play thing. T would be happily playing and J and I would be much more interested in hiding between the wall and the mattress talking and generally enjoying the new feelings that hormones and youth provided.
One day T called me on it. I can’t remember the exact details of the conversation but it was along the lines of her asking me if I was interested in her brother, me adamantly denying it (I was playing it cool), and her making me promise to never, EVER, date J because that would be “gross”. I remember her use of the word “gross” as clear as day. I think that was the first time I noticed that I had reached the age of boy crazy in earnest (that boy is cute) while she was boy crazy in the abstract (Val Kilmer is cute). But I did promise her I wouldn’t “go out” with her brother and a promise is a promise after all.
The summer progressed as these things do and the three of us made a merry band of thieves. And then one summer night as I went to leave their home for my own, J offered to walk me. A mighty three houses down. The adult me would have seen through that offer in a moment. The teenager in me thrilled at the excitement of being alone with a boy. I remember walking down our street holding hands when he suddenly yanked on my arm to make me stop walking. A move that while not subtle, certainly had the desired effect.
As we stood there in the road, and I grew increasingly embarrassed, he asked me for a kiss. A casual and yet fully loaded question given our 12 and 13 year old ages. I’m pretty sure I muttered something like “ok” or something equally cool and nonchalant. I’m fuzzy on who kissed who after that. I believe he kissed me, hastily, and on the cheek. I don’t recall if I kissed him back. I do remember all of a sudden being supremely nervous and that I practically sprinted home. I'm also fairly certain I was an attractive shade of redish-purple.
My first kiss. That boy J is now a man of 30. We lost touch for many, many years when things like high school and distance and a family tragedy (his) got in the way. I found him though, a few years ago, after years and years of searching, thanks to MySpace. I actually found them both. T is a mother of two adorable boys and lives mere moments from my house though we haven’t been able to get together yet for a much needed reunion. I am a bad friend it seems.
And J. I could list all the minute details I know of his life now but really all that matters is I feel like I’ve found an old friend. After that summer we stayed in touch for years, always getting together when they were in town. One summer they came on a church run youth summer retreat with me. And once we both got to high school we kept in touch via phone, sharing dating trials and tribulations. I always felt a little twinge when he told me about the latest girl and always felt a smidge guilty when discussing my latest boy. It was like we were sullying the memory of that innocent kiss somehow by moving on with life. And then somehow we just stopped calling, stopped talking, and then we were adults and out on our own with lives and jobs and school.
But now that we are both adults we can laugh at the kids we were, at the awkwardness we caused, and now we both (I think) can look back on that summer with something like nostalgia.
He was literally the boy next door. Or rather, if you want to nitpick, he was the boy three doors down. After moving back to California the summer before the 7th grade I suddenly found myself friendless and bored. Lucky for me there was a man three doors down who was divorced but had two children who came to spend the summer with him, a boy and a girl who flanked me in age, one year older and one year younger respectively.
Instantly we were inseparable. The girl (we’ll call her T) became like a little sister and, having no siblings of my own, I enjoyed hanging out with her and gossiping about boys and clothes and music. It did not escape my attention that her brother (we’ll call him J) was in fact a boy, and also older, and also he was apparently as interested in me as I was in him. Even blondes can tell those types of things. I’m just saying is all.
I’m not sure how or when it happened… But at some point we became less of a threesome and more of a twosome with a little sister tagging along. They had a mattress in one of their bedrooms which we used to lean against a wall and use as a sort of make-shift slide and general play thing. T would be happily playing and J and I would be much more interested in hiding between the wall and the mattress talking and generally enjoying the new feelings that hormones and youth provided.
One day T called me on it. I can’t remember the exact details of the conversation but it was along the lines of her asking me if I was interested in her brother, me adamantly denying it (I was playing it cool), and her making me promise to never, EVER, date J because that would be “gross”. I remember her use of the word “gross” as clear as day. I think that was the first time I noticed that I had reached the age of boy crazy in earnest (that boy is cute) while she was boy crazy in the abstract (Val Kilmer is cute). But I did promise her I wouldn’t “go out” with her brother and a promise is a promise after all.
The summer progressed as these things do and the three of us made a merry band of thieves. And then one summer night as I went to leave their home for my own, J offered to walk me. A mighty three houses down. The adult me would have seen through that offer in a moment. The teenager in me thrilled at the excitement of being alone with a boy. I remember walking down our street holding hands when he suddenly yanked on my arm to make me stop walking. A move that while not subtle, certainly had the desired effect.
As we stood there in the road, and I grew increasingly embarrassed, he asked me for a kiss. A casual and yet fully loaded question given our 12 and 13 year old ages. I’m pretty sure I muttered something like “ok” or something equally cool and nonchalant. I’m fuzzy on who kissed who after that. I believe he kissed me, hastily, and on the cheek. I don’t recall if I kissed him back. I do remember all of a sudden being supremely nervous and that I practically sprinted home. I'm also fairly certain I was an attractive shade of redish-purple.
My first kiss. That boy J is now a man of 30. We lost touch for many, many years when things like high school and distance and a family tragedy (his) got in the way. I found him though, a few years ago, after years and years of searching, thanks to MySpace. I actually found them both. T is a mother of two adorable boys and lives mere moments from my house though we haven’t been able to get together yet for a much needed reunion. I am a bad friend it seems.
And J. I could list all the minute details I know of his life now but really all that matters is I feel like I’ve found an old friend. After that summer we stayed in touch for years, always getting together when they were in town. One summer they came on a church run youth summer retreat with me. And once we both got to high school we kept in touch via phone, sharing dating trials and tribulations. I always felt a little twinge when he told me about the latest girl and always felt a smidge guilty when discussing my latest boy. It was like we were sullying the memory of that innocent kiss somehow by moving on with life. And then somehow we just stopped calling, stopped talking, and then we were adults and out on our own with lives and jobs and school.
But now that we are both adults we can laugh at the kids we were, at the awkwardness we caused, and now we both (I think) can look back on that summer with something like nostalgia.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
To tide you over
I know this isn't as good as a wedding picture but one of the girls at work FINALLY got around to sending out the pictures from our holiday party that was back on December 6th. I WAS going to give her a hard time about taking so long but thought better of it. Pot, Kettle, Black and all that.
Anyway, I thought this was a cute pic. AND I'm at least 10 or 15 pounds lighter in the this pic than I was on my wedding day so... Yay me! Diet starts on Monday, BTW, as soon as I get back from my long holiday weekend!
Thank God that’s over!
I have officially been married for FIVE WHOLE DAYS and so far so good! :D
TheBoy and I went up to Tahoe a little early and hung out for a day so we could relax before all the craziness began. Since practically the entire state of California is on fire it was pretty smoky up there! At the rehearsal dinner we were literally like 10 feet from the lake and could barely see the water at some points! But luckily for us the wind shifted or something and it was clear and beautiful on the lake for our wedding Friday. Maybe that whole saying about weather always cooperating with brides is true. At TheBoy’s brother’s wedding a few years ago it was cold and foggy all morning and then about an hour before the wedding the sun came out and shined on them through the entire ceremony!
Yes, Shawn, there will be pictures (also... ahem... blog!). Once I get the DVD thingy from the photographer I’ll post one or two. Sadly I pretty much hate all the pictures but as a wise friend pointed out, both TheBoy and I hate having our pictures taken in the first place so we were sort of doomed from the start. That, combined with the fact that I hated my dress, and it didn’t fit right and I’ve gained about 20 pounds in the last year due to stress alone… Really the whole picture thing was destined for disaster. And seriously? If one person comments on here anything along the lines of “all brides are beautiful” I might vomit. That’s like saying all babies are cute. People say it but we all know deep down that some kids are just plain funny looking.
The rehearsal dinner was awesome. A majority of our guests were already in Tahoe so we got to party with everyone two nights in a row! I do love a good party. TheBoy and I did discover one downside to being the bride and groom however. Everyone wants to drink with you! I think I literally had about 20 drinks. At some point in the evening TheBoy’s brother started following me around, taking drinks from my hand, and in one notable incident, talking me down from the ledge that would have been my umpteenth tequila shot. He made a valid point that I wouldn’t want to be hung over for the wedding the next day… Sadly I think he was already two or three drinks too late at that point! But it was a noble effort none the less.
Despite being more hung over than I’ve been in YEARS the actual day of the wedding was awesome. Very relaxing and low key. After having our hairs done, the girls and my mom and I returned to the hotel where an also hung over TheBoy went and got me some greasy Chinese food and we sat down at the pool for a couple hours with some people before we had to all go start getting ready. No one got boat sick that I know of and I only tripped twice (once I had a little help from TheBoy who stepped on the back of my dress!) so I would say the wedding went off without a hitch. And even though I was SURE I wouldn’t need water-proof mascara because I was SURE I wouldn’t cry, I’m glad I bought some anyway because I could barely get my vows out! Also? Whose idea is it for brides to carry flowers? My hands were trembling so badly I had to push the whole bouquet into my stomach to stop it from shaking! Always a good look.
Anyway, I’m glad to be back and I’m happy that things can now start getting back to normal and I can focus on other areas of my life now that the whole wedding planning thing is behind me. It’s amazing how many things fall through the cracks when you have to focus on a wedding. As calm and relaxed as I was there were still a lot of things I had to focus on. I can’t imagine how those bridezillas keep their sanity! It was a fun party and we had a good group of guests. Aside from a few small dramas everything went as well as I could have hopped for!
And I am SO EXCITED to finally be married!
TheBoy and I went up to Tahoe a little early and hung out for a day so we could relax before all the craziness began. Since practically the entire state of California is on fire it was pretty smoky up there! At the rehearsal dinner we were literally like 10 feet from the lake and could barely see the water at some points! But luckily for us the wind shifted or something and it was clear and beautiful on the lake for our wedding Friday. Maybe that whole saying about weather always cooperating with brides is true. At TheBoy’s brother’s wedding a few years ago it was cold and foggy all morning and then about an hour before the wedding the sun came out and shined on them through the entire ceremony!
Yes, Shawn, there will be pictures (also... ahem... blog!). Once I get the DVD thingy from the photographer I’ll post one or two. Sadly I pretty much hate all the pictures but as a wise friend pointed out, both TheBoy and I hate having our pictures taken in the first place so we were sort of doomed from the start. That, combined with the fact that I hated my dress, and it didn’t fit right and I’ve gained about 20 pounds in the last year due to stress alone… Really the whole picture thing was destined for disaster. And seriously? If one person comments on here anything along the lines of “all brides are beautiful” I might vomit. That’s like saying all babies are cute. People say it but we all know deep down that some kids are just plain funny looking.
The rehearsal dinner was awesome. A majority of our guests were already in Tahoe so we got to party with everyone two nights in a row! I do love a good party. TheBoy and I did discover one downside to being the bride and groom however. Everyone wants to drink with you! I think I literally had about 20 drinks. At some point in the evening TheBoy’s brother started following me around, taking drinks from my hand, and in one notable incident, talking me down from the ledge that would have been my umpteenth tequila shot. He made a valid point that I wouldn’t want to be hung over for the wedding the next day… Sadly I think he was already two or three drinks too late at that point! But it was a noble effort none the less.
Despite being more hung over than I’ve been in YEARS the actual day of the wedding was awesome. Very relaxing and low key. After having our hairs done, the girls and my mom and I returned to the hotel where an also hung over TheBoy went and got me some greasy Chinese food and we sat down at the pool for a couple hours with some people before we had to all go start getting ready. No one got boat sick that I know of and I only tripped twice (once I had a little help from TheBoy who stepped on the back of my dress!) so I would say the wedding went off without a hitch. And even though I was SURE I wouldn’t need water-proof mascara because I was SURE I wouldn’t cry, I’m glad I bought some anyway because I could barely get my vows out! Also? Whose idea is it for brides to carry flowers? My hands were trembling so badly I had to push the whole bouquet into my stomach to stop it from shaking! Always a good look.
Anyway, I’m glad to be back and I’m happy that things can now start getting back to normal and I can focus on other areas of my life now that the whole wedding planning thing is behind me. It’s amazing how many things fall through the cracks when you have to focus on a wedding. As calm and relaxed as I was there were still a lot of things I had to focus on. I can’t imagine how those bridezillas keep their sanity! It was a fun party and we had a good group of guests. Aside from a few small dramas everything went as well as I could have hopped for!
And I am SO EXCITED to finally be married!
Monday, June 30, 2008
We did it!
I am officially Mrs. TheBoy! Day 3 of being married is going great. :D
Wedding went off perfectly smoothly. Loads of people cried, including yours truly! I was so sure I wasn't going to cry I ~almost~ didn't even buy water proof mascara! Good thing I did.
Details later! And photos if you are lucky!
Wedding went off perfectly smoothly. Loads of people cried, including yours truly! I was so sure I wasn't going to cry I ~almost~ didn't even buy water proof mascara! Good thing I did.
Details later! And photos if you are lucky!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Goodbye G
What couple picks a break up song for “their song”? Perhaps I should have seen it for a sign? But we loved it. Every time the song would come up we’d turn our speakers as loud as they’d go and sing along like idiots. We thought it was funny. It was unique. It was us.
(spoken)
Girl you know we belong together
I have no time for you to be playing
With my heart like this
You’ll be mine forever baby, you just see
We belong together
And you that I’m right
Why do you play with my head,
Why do you play with my mind?
I knew something was up by the third time you hit rewind on the cassette tape playing in my car. We were sitting in the parking lot behind a Hollywood Video. I had driven you back to your car which had been parked there earlier prior to yet another beginning-of-summer party. We had just ended our junior year of High School and were giddy with the feeling of FINALLY being seniors. High School was almost over and we were invincible that summer. Parties and beach bonfires, crazy car races through back roads in the dark and way, way too much cheap beer. But on this night, instead of just hopping out of my car with a quick “later” and that famous grin… you lingered. We talked about our mutual friends, about our plans for the coming summer, about music.
Said we’d be forever
Said it’d never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say good-bye?
“This is my favorite Boys II Men song” you said as you reached over to rewind the song the first time. As it happened to be one of MY favorite songs also I consented to listening to it through a second time. While the first time the song played we had laughed and joked together, the second time we were silent.
Girl I can’t sleep at night
without holding you tight
Girl, each time I try
I just break down and cry
Pain in my head
oh I’d rather be dead
Spinnin’ around and around
“What ever happened to us last summer?” Though you asked this question softly and seemingly out of left field I knew instantly what you were referring to. The previous year, our sophomore year, we had a class together. We quickly went from casual acquaintances, friends of friends, to constant companions. We would sit together in the back of our chemistry class, cracking jokes and goofing off, we would skip class together and hang out in the parking lot (you were older and already had your driver’s license), we would seek each other out at lunch, you attended your first ever school sporting event because I invited you to watch me cheer. Once your mom let you drive me home when she came in the car to get you after school. I remember that, her sitting in the back seat and us in the front, feeling so grown up.
Girl, I know you really love me,
You just don’t realize
You’ve never been there before
It’s only your first time
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Everyone thought we liked each other that year. Honestly on my end I just saw you as a friend, my buddy, we had good times together. You made me laugh. But when anyone asked us if we were “together” we would just laugh. No way. Just friends. I guess we were an anomaly, a teenage girl and a teenage boy who could hang out without the complications of hormones. In our last day of regular classes, before finals and freedom of summertime, you came running up to me in the hall before class. There was a big party that night, some classmate’s parents were going to be out of town and the requisite cheap beer and stolen alcohol from someone’s parents had been procured. Would I go with you? You always had this charming grin. But back then I was a “good girl” and I didn’t make too many appearances on the party scene. And I had plans already for that night. I told you I’d see. We exchanged phone numbers. I remember thinking it was odd that I hadn’t had your phone number before.
Maybe I’ll forgive you, hmm
Maybe you’ll try
We should be happy together
Forever, you and I
I never called. You never called. We went on with our separate summer plans. Mine was full of church retreats, mission trips, cheerleading camp and countless movie nights. Yours was filled with parties, under-age drinking and too many lazy days by the pool. When we met up again in the fall for the beginning of our junior year I remember being jealous of your summer. The restrictions of trying to be what everyone wanted me to be were getting hard to bear. I was ready to let my hair down. Neither of us mentioned the fact that I had blown you off, though I hadn’t forgotten. To be honest I had started to doubt your sincerity when you told people we were just friends and nothing more. I wasn’t sure how to deal with the knowledge that you wanted to be more, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be more. That night in the car I knew it for a fact.
Girl, you love me again like you loved me before
This time I want you to love me much more
This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me, don’t let me down
“I’m not sure what happened I guess. Maybe it wasn’t our time?” I tried to make it into a joke but my heart was beating so hard I was sure you could hear it. You reached over and hit the button to rewind the song once more – I thought a fourth time listening to the same song was a little excessive but I didn’t say anything. In fact, I think I was holding my breath. “Is now our time?” Something in that fourth repetition, or maybe the slight delay in my answer, gave you the courage you’d been searching for and you leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t a great kiss, I can admit that now. But it was sweet and you were so earnest. I liked you so much. By the end of that night the kissing was better and we had pretty much established ourselves as a new couple.
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the roadStill I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
“I wanted it to be that song” you said, for our first kiss. “I’ll forgive you for taking so long to come around” you said. There was an emotion in your voice when you said that last bit about forgiving me; it was a little bit angry, a little disdainful. I should have paid more attention to it but I was caught up in the excitement of it all. Soon we were joined at the hip. It was like the before only better. We laughed together, we learned together, we loved together. Almost from the beginning there was talk of forever. What are the odds of high school sweethearts ending up together? Something like one in a million I’m sure. We were sure we were destined to be that one. It was our senior year and we were on top of the world.
(spoken)
Girl I’m here for you
All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just run out with that other fella
Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care
You just don’t understand how much I love you do you?
I’m here for you
We weren’t without our dramas though. That first year was wonderful. At some point in that first year you surprised me with a trip to a local jeweler. You wanted me to have a ring. Something to wear that indicated I was yours. It was a placeholder you said, for the wedding band I’d one day wear. We asked the girl at the store what the stone was for June, the month we counted as the start of our relationship. She told us it was a ruby and so we selected the daintiest ruby and diamond channel set band. I waited outside while you paid so I could manage some element of surprise for the gift I basically picked out. I learned after a few months of wearing the ring that June’s stone is a pearl and that July’s stone is the ruby. I never told you we had been wrong, I don’t know if you even know now, but rubies became our thing. I wore a red dress to the prom that year because of it. For my birthday a few years later you gave me ruby stud earrings.
I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did baby but that’s all right
Hey, I love you anyway
And I’m still gonna be here for you ’till my dying day baby
Right now, I’m just in so much pain baby
Coz you just won’t come back to me
Will you? just come back to me
Your ring was stolen. Along with the earrings and pretty much every other piece of jewelry I owned. I hadn’t worn it in years. I slipped it off that night after I caught you with your hands all over some girl at my friend’s birthday party. Even though we held on to our sham of a relationship for three months after that I think I finally knew that this time, when you humiliated me in front of all of my friends, that it would be over for good. But even though things ended badly for us I still have a soft spot in my memory for all the good times we had. And I thought I would always have that ring as a reminder of how much you loved me then, how naive and young we were and how much hope there was behind that gesture. I’m sorry that it is gone. Given that we have not remained friends I feel like my last link to you is gone and with it my last link to the girl I used to be.
(lonely)
Yes baby my heart is lonely
(lonely)
My heart hurts baby
(lonely)
Yes I feel pain too
Baby please
This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me go
Do you remember those trips we would take to Don Pedro with your cousins? I remember cruising the lake at sunset, blaring Bonny M (you and your crazy Euro pop music) and drinking beers your cousins were nice enough to not notice we had pilfered from their cooler. I remember waking up in a tent that was easily 100 degrees and running laughing to jump in the lake to cool off. I remember teasing you about pitching it the night before in the darkness, choosing the flat spot in the open over the slightly rocky spot in the shade because you were too lazy to move a few rocks. I remember racing your cousin on her jet ski and how I was terrified of going that fast. You promised me I’d be safe, but then I wasn’t… my first and only concussion. Do you know that I still refuse to ride on a jet ski to this day? Your legacy. I remember trips to your god father’s cabin on Clear Lake. The night we thought it would be fun to try tequila shooters and I tried out my culinary skills by cooking you dinner. You never liked my cooking. Did you know that I started a catering company? And that people now rave about my cooking?
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
I knew there were other girls. I ignored the nasty looks from the girl you had a crush on in high school. You were too foolish to realize she only wanted you then because you had decided to stop mooning after her and had found a new girlfriend. Did you know how much you hurt me every time you said how beautiful she was? How much it stung when you would compare me to her and I always came up lacking? I don’t know if you two routinely snuck around behind my back or if it was just that one night I followed you two from your friend’s pool into the main house and saw you close his sister’s bedroom door. I was so young then and I had no idea people could hurt that much. I knew about a few other girls too, the older sister of a classmate and a girl from your night school college program. I also know how many girls you made up. Did you like hurting me? You were jealous. At first I was flattered. Then annoyed. Then angry at the injustice of you, the unfaithful one, being jealous of me, the faithful one.
(a cappella)
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
When people ask, I tell them I was with my high school sweetheart for almost five years. In reality we were officially together for four years and eight months, though the last three months we hardly spoke. We broke up three times before the final time. If you subtract the time we spent apart during break ups I imagine we were really only “together” for four years. But those four years, which spanned the ages of 17 to 21, were a time when I really grew into my own. I laid the foundations to become the woman I am today and for your part in the process I will always be grateful.
Goodbye.
(spoken)
Girl you know we belong together
I have no time for you to be playing
With my heart like this
You’ll be mine forever baby, you just see
We belong together
And you that I’m right
Why do you play with my head,
Why do you play with my mind?
I knew something was up by the third time you hit rewind on the cassette tape playing in my car. We were sitting in the parking lot behind a Hollywood Video. I had driven you back to your car which had been parked there earlier prior to yet another beginning-of-summer party. We had just ended our junior year of High School and were giddy with the feeling of FINALLY being seniors. High School was almost over and we were invincible that summer. Parties and beach bonfires, crazy car races through back roads in the dark and way, way too much cheap beer. But on this night, instead of just hopping out of my car with a quick “later” and that famous grin… you lingered. We talked about our mutual friends, about our plans for the coming summer, about music.
Said we’d be forever
Said it’d never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say good-bye?
“This is my favorite Boys II Men song” you said as you reached over to rewind the song the first time. As it happened to be one of MY favorite songs also I consented to listening to it through a second time. While the first time the song played we had laughed and joked together, the second time we were silent.
Girl I can’t sleep at night
without holding you tight
Girl, each time I try
I just break down and cry
Pain in my head
oh I’d rather be dead
Spinnin’ around and around
“What ever happened to us last summer?” Though you asked this question softly and seemingly out of left field I knew instantly what you were referring to. The previous year, our sophomore year, we had a class together. We quickly went from casual acquaintances, friends of friends, to constant companions. We would sit together in the back of our chemistry class, cracking jokes and goofing off, we would skip class together and hang out in the parking lot (you were older and already had your driver’s license), we would seek each other out at lunch, you attended your first ever school sporting event because I invited you to watch me cheer. Once your mom let you drive me home when she came in the car to get you after school. I remember that, her sitting in the back seat and us in the front, feeling so grown up.
Girl, I know you really love me,
You just don’t realize
You’ve never been there before
It’s only your first time
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Everyone thought we liked each other that year. Honestly on my end I just saw you as a friend, my buddy, we had good times together. You made me laugh. But when anyone asked us if we were “together” we would just laugh. No way. Just friends. I guess we were an anomaly, a teenage girl and a teenage boy who could hang out without the complications of hormones. In our last day of regular classes, before finals and freedom of summertime, you came running up to me in the hall before class. There was a big party that night, some classmate’s parents were going to be out of town and the requisite cheap beer and stolen alcohol from someone’s parents had been procured. Would I go with you? You always had this charming grin. But back then I was a “good girl” and I didn’t make too many appearances on the party scene. And I had plans already for that night. I told you I’d see. We exchanged phone numbers. I remember thinking it was odd that I hadn’t had your phone number before.
Maybe I’ll forgive you, hmm
Maybe you’ll try
We should be happy together
Forever, you and I
I never called. You never called. We went on with our separate summer plans. Mine was full of church retreats, mission trips, cheerleading camp and countless movie nights. Yours was filled with parties, under-age drinking and too many lazy days by the pool. When we met up again in the fall for the beginning of our junior year I remember being jealous of your summer. The restrictions of trying to be what everyone wanted me to be were getting hard to bear. I was ready to let my hair down. Neither of us mentioned the fact that I had blown you off, though I hadn’t forgotten. To be honest I had started to doubt your sincerity when you told people we were just friends and nothing more. I wasn’t sure how to deal with the knowledge that you wanted to be more, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be more. That night in the car I knew it for a fact.
Girl, you love me again like you loved me before
This time I want you to love me much more
This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me, don’t let me down
“I’m not sure what happened I guess. Maybe it wasn’t our time?” I tried to make it into a joke but my heart was beating so hard I was sure you could hear it. You reached over and hit the button to rewind the song once more – I thought a fourth time listening to the same song was a little excessive but I didn’t say anything. In fact, I think I was holding my breath. “Is now our time?” Something in that fourth repetition, or maybe the slight delay in my answer, gave you the courage you’d been searching for and you leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t a great kiss, I can admit that now. But it was sweet and you were so earnest. I liked you so much. By the end of that night the kissing was better and we had pretty much established ourselves as a new couple.
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the roadStill I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
“I wanted it to be that song” you said, for our first kiss. “I’ll forgive you for taking so long to come around” you said. There was an emotion in your voice when you said that last bit about forgiving me; it was a little bit angry, a little disdainful. I should have paid more attention to it but I was caught up in the excitement of it all. Soon we were joined at the hip. It was like the before only better. We laughed together, we learned together, we loved together. Almost from the beginning there was talk of forever. What are the odds of high school sweethearts ending up together? Something like one in a million I’m sure. We were sure we were destined to be that one. It was our senior year and we were on top of the world.
(spoken)
Girl I’m here for you
All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just run out with that other fella
Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care
You just don’t understand how much I love you do you?
I’m here for you
We weren’t without our dramas though. That first year was wonderful. At some point in that first year you surprised me with a trip to a local jeweler. You wanted me to have a ring. Something to wear that indicated I was yours. It was a placeholder you said, for the wedding band I’d one day wear. We asked the girl at the store what the stone was for June, the month we counted as the start of our relationship. She told us it was a ruby and so we selected the daintiest ruby and diamond channel set band. I waited outside while you paid so I could manage some element of surprise for the gift I basically picked out. I learned after a few months of wearing the ring that June’s stone is a pearl and that July’s stone is the ruby. I never told you we had been wrong, I don’t know if you even know now, but rubies became our thing. I wore a red dress to the prom that year because of it. For my birthday a few years later you gave me ruby stud earrings.
I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did baby but that’s all right
Hey, I love you anyway
And I’m still gonna be here for you ’till my dying day baby
Right now, I’m just in so much pain baby
Coz you just won’t come back to me
Will you? just come back to me
Your ring was stolen. Along with the earrings and pretty much every other piece of jewelry I owned. I hadn’t worn it in years. I slipped it off that night after I caught you with your hands all over some girl at my friend’s birthday party. Even though we held on to our sham of a relationship for three months after that I think I finally knew that this time, when you humiliated me in front of all of my friends, that it would be over for good. But even though things ended badly for us I still have a soft spot in my memory for all the good times we had. And I thought I would always have that ring as a reminder of how much you loved me then, how naive and young we were and how much hope there was behind that gesture. I’m sorry that it is gone. Given that we have not remained friends I feel like my last link to you is gone and with it my last link to the girl I used to be.
(lonely)
Yes baby my heart is lonely
(lonely)
My heart hurts baby
(lonely)
Yes I feel pain too
Baby please
This time instead just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me go
Do you remember those trips we would take to Don Pedro with your cousins? I remember cruising the lake at sunset, blaring Bonny M (you and your crazy Euro pop music) and drinking beers your cousins were nice enough to not notice we had pilfered from their cooler. I remember waking up in a tent that was easily 100 degrees and running laughing to jump in the lake to cool off. I remember teasing you about pitching it the night before in the darkness, choosing the flat spot in the open over the slightly rocky spot in the shade because you were too lazy to move a few rocks. I remember racing your cousin on her jet ski and how I was terrified of going that fast. You promised me I’d be safe, but then I wasn’t… my first and only concussion. Do you know that I still refuse to ride on a jet ski to this day? Your legacy. I remember trips to your god father’s cabin on Clear Lake. The night we thought it would be fun to try tequila shooters and I tried out my culinary skills by cooking you dinner. You never liked my cooking. Did you know that I started a catering company? And that people now rave about my cooking?
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
I knew there were other girls. I ignored the nasty looks from the girl you had a crush on in high school. You were too foolish to realize she only wanted you then because you had decided to stop mooning after her and had found a new girlfriend. Did you know how much you hurt me every time you said how beautiful she was? How much it stung when you would compare me to her and I always came up lacking? I don’t know if you two routinely snuck around behind my back or if it was just that one night I followed you two from your friend’s pool into the main house and saw you close his sister’s bedroom door. I was so young then and I had no idea people could hurt that much. I knew about a few other girls too, the older sister of a classmate and a girl from your night school college program. I also know how many girls you made up. Did you like hurting me? You were jealous. At first I was flattered. Then annoyed. Then angry at the injustice of you, the unfaithful one, being jealous of me, the faithful one.
(a cappella)
Although we’ve come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can’t let you go
It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
When people ask, I tell them I was with my high school sweetheart for almost five years. In reality we were officially together for four years and eight months, though the last three months we hardly spoke. We broke up three times before the final time. If you subtract the time we spent apart during break ups I imagine we were really only “together” for four years. But those four years, which spanned the ages of 17 to 21, were a time when I really grew into my own. I laid the foundations to become the woman I am today and for your part in the process I will always be grateful.
Goodbye.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Greatest Survey EVER
Thanks to Kate for giving me something to blog about when my brain has pretty much turned to mush in the week before my wedding!
If you were God for a day, what would you do? I have NO idea. I’m not sure I want that kind of responsibility!
If you could be the parent of one famous person, who would you want it to be? Hm. Someone with a lot of money that could take care of me in my old age! Like Britney. Never mind that she’s only like 4 years younger than me… that girl needs a hug!
What was the last thing you regret buying? I don’t suffer from buyer’s remorse too often… But I do suffer from eater’s remorse… So maybe that Taco Bell burrito I bought on my way home from my (soon to be) Sister-in-law’s a few weekends back. My ass surely didn’t need it!
There's a monster in your closet. What do you do? Make sure it isn’t wearing my clothes in there!
If you could bring back one person from the dead, who would it be? Luckily I haven’t really had too many people close to me die. And those that have passed on lived full lives. “To every thing there is a time and a purpose…” and all that.
What are 3 things you'd like to learn to do? Play the guitar, ride a bike, and invest.
What is your favorite kind of cheese? I am an equal opportunity cheese lover. Sadly it doesn’t love ME as much as I love IT. Don’t things always work that way?
If you had a truth serum, who would you give it to and what would you ask? I’m not sure I would want to know anything I had to use truth serum to force out of someone!
How do you know when you're in love? When you think of them and their happiness before your own.
Why do you have a cell phone? All the cool kids were getting them.
What do you consider the most important invention? Kate said bras which made me laugh out loud! I’m going to go with the Internet (thank you Al Gore).
How would you spend your ideal day? Sleeping in with TheBoy, making a huge breakfast and drinking mimosas outside on a warm summer morning, followed with a bit of wakeboarding on Lake Shasta, a bonfire and BBQ in the evening with some good friends and good tequila, and sleeping soundly like only a full day in the sun can make me do. (And well a few other things that it isn’t polite to announce to the internets at large – ahem.)
Why are a fly and a tree alike? They both have great views of the world? Is this a trick question?
What is too serious to be joked about? Rape.
3 words to describe your personality: Loud, loyal, honest.
3 words to describe your looks: um… short, blonde and… cute? I guess. People always say that. “Tiff is cute.” Just once I’d like to be “stunning” or “sexy” – le sigh.
Who would you choose to be shipwrecked on a deserted island with? I know I should say TheBoy and all but really if I HAVE to be shipwrecked I’d pick some Navy Seal or Marine or… MacGyver or something. Someone who can get my ass OFF the island!
What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening? Fantastic food, great wine, sitting outside by a fire… Great conversation.
If you could be remembered for one thing, what would it be? That I was a good friend.
Someone kicks a cat in front of you. What do you do? Kick their freaking ASS!
You meet God. What is the one question you want to ask Him? Why?
If you saw someone stealing, what would you do? I’m not sure really. Are they bigger than me? I might confront them or I might just alert the authorities… I don’t know. That a tough one!
Have you ever been the victim of racism? Is discrimination against Blondes a form of racism? I’ve certainly been a victim of sexism.
Is there anything you would willingly give your life for? I don’t know. I’d like to think I would give up my life if it meant salvation of an entire population of people but… I don’t know.
If you could re-live one day, what would it be? I’m not sure I would. Life is meant to be lived in a forward motion y’all!
If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Heh. Sneak into someplace I’m not supposed to be maybe?
Do you like raw vegetables? Sure do.
Do you dress for fashion or comfort? Comfort. But lately I’ve been trying to “dress for success” and success isn’t as comfy as I had hoped it would be.
Have you ever owned a pogo stick? Nope. But my friend Kathy Ann from the 6th grade owned one. It was fun. And harder than it looks.
What kind of old person do you want to be? An active one.
What is the best question in the world? Why?
What is the worst holiday experience you've ever had? I once took a high school boyfriend up to Chico to visit his mom (whom he hadn’t seen in years) for Thanksgiving. I realized about 12 seconds into the car ride up there that this guy had serious, SERIOUS issues and that I a) desperately wanted to break up with him and b) that I missed my mama!
Ever been accused of doing something you didn't? Who hasn’t?
If you had to listen to one song over and over forever, what would it be? Forever? Right now I’m digging some old Skynard so maybe like “Simple Kind of Man” or “Free Bird” but I’m fairly sure I’d be sick of anything within a week if I had to listen to it over and over and over.
If you had to marry someone you are not in love with, who would it be? A ridiculously wealthy guy who treated me nicely and with respect and looked the other way when I took a lover?
Would you tell your best friend if you saw their spouse cheating on them? Probably. Lord I hope I never find out though.
If you had to be a TV character, who would it be? Evie from Out of This World. How cool would it be to be able to pause real life?!!? Like TiVo only WAY cooler.
What is the greatest unsolved mystery of all? The intricacies of human nature.
Is it easier to forgive or forget? It’s easy to forgive once you’ve decided to. It’s sometimes impossible to forget no matter how badly you wish you could.
If you could read anyone's diary, whose would it be? Hm. Maybe my mom’s from when she was my age.
If you are what you eat, you are? A sugar-free red bull. I know it’s not food but that’s all I’ve had in the past 18 hours or so!
If you KNEW for a fact there was a heaven and a hell, what would you do? Go back to church.
Do you enjoy duct tape? Of course! It was my runner up answer to the question about the greatest invention ever! Though as entertaining as duct tape is it isn’t quite as informative as the internet.
Who is a hero of yours? My mom. For sure.
Have you ever laughed at a funeral? Actually yes. But everyone else was laughing too. And I think the guy would have appreciated that we were remembering the good times.
If you were God for a day, what would you do? I have NO idea. I’m not sure I want that kind of responsibility!
If you could be the parent of one famous person, who would you want it to be? Hm. Someone with a lot of money that could take care of me in my old age! Like Britney. Never mind that she’s only like 4 years younger than me… that girl needs a hug!
What was the last thing you regret buying? I don’t suffer from buyer’s remorse too often… But I do suffer from eater’s remorse… So maybe that Taco Bell burrito I bought on my way home from my (soon to be) Sister-in-law’s a few weekends back. My ass surely didn’t need it!
There's a monster in your closet. What do you do? Make sure it isn’t wearing my clothes in there!
If you could bring back one person from the dead, who would it be? Luckily I haven’t really had too many people close to me die. And those that have passed on lived full lives. “To every thing there is a time and a purpose…” and all that.
What are 3 things you'd like to learn to do? Play the guitar, ride a bike, and invest.
What is your favorite kind of cheese? I am an equal opportunity cheese lover. Sadly it doesn’t love ME as much as I love IT. Don’t things always work that way?
If you had a truth serum, who would you give it to and what would you ask? I’m not sure I would want to know anything I had to use truth serum to force out of someone!
How do you know when you're in love? When you think of them and their happiness before your own.
Why do you have a cell phone? All the cool kids were getting them.
What do you consider the most important invention? Kate said bras which made me laugh out loud! I’m going to go with the Internet (thank you Al Gore).
How would you spend your ideal day? Sleeping in with TheBoy, making a huge breakfast and drinking mimosas outside on a warm summer morning, followed with a bit of wakeboarding on Lake Shasta, a bonfire and BBQ in the evening with some good friends and good tequila, and sleeping soundly like only a full day in the sun can make me do. (And well a few other things that it isn’t polite to announce to the internets at large – ahem.)
Why are a fly and a tree alike? They both have great views of the world? Is this a trick question?
What is too serious to be joked about? Rape.
3 words to describe your personality: Loud, loyal, honest.
3 words to describe your looks: um… short, blonde and… cute? I guess. People always say that. “Tiff is cute.” Just once I’d like to be “stunning” or “sexy” – le sigh.
Who would you choose to be shipwrecked on a deserted island with? I know I should say TheBoy and all but really if I HAVE to be shipwrecked I’d pick some Navy Seal or Marine or… MacGyver or something. Someone who can get my ass OFF the island!
What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening? Fantastic food, great wine, sitting outside by a fire… Great conversation.
If you could be remembered for one thing, what would it be? That I was a good friend.
Someone kicks a cat in front of you. What do you do? Kick their freaking ASS!
You meet God. What is the one question you want to ask Him? Why?
If you saw someone stealing, what would you do? I’m not sure really. Are they bigger than me? I might confront them or I might just alert the authorities… I don’t know. That a tough one!
Have you ever been the victim of racism? Is discrimination against Blondes a form of racism? I’ve certainly been a victim of sexism.
Is there anything you would willingly give your life for? I don’t know. I’d like to think I would give up my life if it meant salvation of an entire population of people but… I don’t know.
If you could re-live one day, what would it be? I’m not sure I would. Life is meant to be lived in a forward motion y’all!
If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Heh. Sneak into someplace I’m not supposed to be maybe?
Do you like raw vegetables? Sure do.
Do you dress for fashion or comfort? Comfort. But lately I’ve been trying to “dress for success” and success isn’t as comfy as I had hoped it would be.
Have you ever owned a pogo stick? Nope. But my friend Kathy Ann from the 6th grade owned one. It was fun. And harder than it looks.
What kind of old person do you want to be? An active one.
What is the best question in the world? Why?
What is the worst holiday experience you've ever had? I once took a high school boyfriend up to Chico to visit his mom (whom he hadn’t seen in years) for Thanksgiving. I realized about 12 seconds into the car ride up there that this guy had serious, SERIOUS issues and that I a) desperately wanted to break up with him and b) that I missed my mama!
Ever been accused of doing something you didn't? Who hasn’t?
If you had to listen to one song over and over forever, what would it be? Forever? Right now I’m digging some old Skynard so maybe like “Simple Kind of Man” or “Free Bird” but I’m fairly sure I’d be sick of anything within a week if I had to listen to it over and over and over.
If you had to marry someone you are not in love with, who would it be? A ridiculously wealthy guy who treated me nicely and with respect and looked the other way when I took a lover?
Would you tell your best friend if you saw their spouse cheating on them? Probably. Lord I hope I never find out though.
If you had to be a TV character, who would it be? Evie from Out of This World. How cool would it be to be able to pause real life?!!? Like TiVo only WAY cooler.
What is the greatest unsolved mystery of all? The intricacies of human nature.
Is it easier to forgive or forget? It’s easy to forgive once you’ve decided to. It’s sometimes impossible to forget no matter how badly you wish you could.
If you could read anyone's diary, whose would it be? Hm. Maybe my mom’s from when she was my age.
If you are what you eat, you are? A sugar-free red bull. I know it’s not food but that’s all I’ve had in the past 18 hours or so!
If you KNEW for a fact there was a heaven and a hell, what would you do? Go back to church.
Do you enjoy duct tape? Of course! It was my runner up answer to the question about the greatest invention ever! Though as entertaining as duct tape is it isn’t quite as informative as the internet.
Who is a hero of yours? My mom. For sure.
Have you ever laughed at a funeral? Actually yes. But everyone else was laughing too. And I think the guy would have appreciated that we were remembering the good times.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Worst. Bride. Ever.
Because I can't ever seem to remember to take photos of myself in my damn dress I had my mom bring it to the house this weekend for when the girls came over. Luckily for you (maybe) my friends take pictures! AND share them!
So here I am in all my wedding dressed and bustled glory...
And here is a close up one so you can see the detail a little better.
Everyone say "thank you" to Liz.
Wine Tasting with the Girls!
Last weekend some of the girls came out to keep me company while TheBoy and his crew went to the lake for his Bachelor Party. We decided to go wine tasting and this is us at stop #1. Notice that my cheeks are a normal shade of pink and no one looks like they might tip over. :D
Monday, June 09, 2008
Signs of Job Burnout
A co-worker of mine sent me this article today via e-mail with the subject “this is so you right now!” Is this a bad sign when other people, people I work with, are noticing my dissatisfaction? I’m thinking maybe it is. Especially since after reading the article I realized that holy crap someone wrote an article ALL ABOUT ME and then posted it on CNN for everyone to read.
Sign No. 1: Your co-workers are walking on eggshells around you.
I find myself apologizing for being a huge bitch. A lot. I’m just saying. I do feel bad for snapping at people and just generally being all bah-humbug all the time but I can’t seem to snap out of it! From 5 am on Monday until about 5 pm on Friday I am just in the world’s most foul mood! Even my commute home on Fridays doesn’t bother me as much as any other commute of the week because I know I don’t have to make that drive again for two whole days.
Sign No. 2: You come in late and want to leave earlier.
For the first time in my life I have become a habitual clock watcher. I literally plan my lunch break to minimize the amount of hours I still have left in the day once I return. I also find myself thinking things like "at two I can go move my car into the three hour public parking behind the building... it'll take me a good 15 - 20 minutes to do that and then I'll have less than three hours left of work!"
I AM coming in later because I’m trying to get in my gym work outs in the morning now, which of course means I have to stay later. This would be bad news on a normal day for me who, as a quintessential morning person, usually likes to be done with work for the day by 4. My brain just turns off in the afternoons! What can I say?
Sign No. 3: Apathy has replaced enthusiasm.
I used to love my job. Now I find myself seriously unable to get excited or motivated over anything. I even have found myself wondering why other people are so excited about things at work. Why does it matter if something happens, today, right this minute? No one is going to die if it doesn’t happen. It’s really not that big of a deal. I certainly don’t want to harass other people and make them angry or annoyed just so that something non-essential can happen a few moments or days before it would have happened anyway. It just isn’t that important you know?
Sign No. 4: You've lost camaraderie with co-workers.
Ahem. Did I mention it was a co-worker who sent me this article? Enough said.
Sign No. 5: You're feeling physically sick.
Two migraines in two days? Haven’t slept in a month? Stomach upset a lot? Check, check and check. Hm.
So, tell me, what’s a girl to do?
Sign No. 1: Your co-workers are walking on eggshells around you.
I find myself apologizing for being a huge bitch. A lot. I’m just saying. I do feel bad for snapping at people and just generally being all bah-humbug all the time but I can’t seem to snap out of it! From 5 am on Monday until about 5 pm on Friday I am just in the world’s most foul mood! Even my commute home on Fridays doesn’t bother me as much as any other commute of the week because I know I don’t have to make that drive again for two whole days.
Sign No. 2: You come in late and want to leave earlier.
For the first time in my life I have become a habitual clock watcher. I literally plan my lunch break to minimize the amount of hours I still have left in the day once I return. I also find myself thinking things like "at two I can go move my car into the three hour public parking behind the building... it'll take me a good 15 - 20 minutes to do that and then I'll have less than three hours left of work!"
I AM coming in later because I’m trying to get in my gym work outs in the morning now, which of course means I have to stay later. This would be bad news on a normal day for me who, as a quintessential morning person, usually likes to be done with work for the day by 4. My brain just turns off in the afternoons! What can I say?
Sign No. 3: Apathy has replaced enthusiasm.
I used to love my job. Now I find myself seriously unable to get excited or motivated over anything. I even have found myself wondering why other people are so excited about things at work. Why does it matter if something happens, today, right this minute? No one is going to die if it doesn’t happen. It’s really not that big of a deal. I certainly don’t want to harass other people and make them angry or annoyed just so that something non-essential can happen a few moments or days before it would have happened anyway. It just isn’t that important you know?
Sign No. 4: You've lost camaraderie with co-workers.
Ahem. Did I mention it was a co-worker who sent me this article? Enough said.
Sign No. 5: You're feeling physically sick.
Two migraines in two days? Haven’t slept in a month? Stomach upset a lot? Check, check and check. Hm.
So, tell me, what’s a girl to do?
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