Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Sticky

Do you believe in love
and that we were meant to be?
Two words can free us,
so repeat them after me"I do."*


It’s a dangerous game, when you start drawing lines in the sand. How far will you go in a relationship, how much of yourself will you give, nay, should you be expected to give, before you can rightfully demand something in return.

The truth is, had I known five years ago that TheBoy and I would still be hesitating over the big “I do” question I probably wouldn’t have gotten as involved as I did. Having said that, I’m truly glad that I didn’t know. I wouldn’t trade one minute of the time we’ve shared, the connection we feel or the love that is clearly visible between us. Why would I trade in the perfect relationship for a not-so-perfect one that might include a ring?

And yet? I never dreamed I’d spend the rest of my life alone. Because make no mistake… I am alone. Single. In the eyes of the state, of my family… In a secret place in my heart I feel… alone. I’ve heard arguments on both sides. Marriage changes nothing. Marriage changes everything. I’m tired of the arguments. I feel like I can’t even remember what I’ve been arguing for.

I remember, vaguely, that it used to be very important to me not to live with a boy before we were engaged. Well, when TheBoy and I moved in together I honestly thought with the way things had been going that we were headed in that direction. We’d only been together for a few months sure but… it was just RIGHT. I was just so sure he was The One. I didn’t hesitate.

Now I’m holding on to this notion that we shouldn’t buy a house together until we’re married, or at least engaged. Real Estate is my profession, I KNOW that this goes wrong. It feels wrong, the one time we came close I couldn’t bring myself to do it at the last minute. And yet? Now? We’re stuck.

Do we buy houses next door to each other? Across town? Live separately after almost 5 years? Does one of us sacrifice financial security and rent from the other for the rest of our lives? And you know what the worst thing is? I am doing this to us. I’ve made us stuck here in this place. And that I could, theoretically, get us un-stuck.

The ever-burning question is should I?**



*From the song Tennessee by Sugarland on their album Twice the Speed of Life. If you even remotely like country music, buy this album.

**Rhetorical question.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Are you asking whether you should buy a house with a man to whom you are not engaged? I think the only thing you can do is what's right in your heart. Any advice given to you is based on another persons life experiences. My two bits is that if you feel you would rather be engaged/married prior to purchasing a place with this man, then you need to make that clear to him. Really, it's your call.

Michele said...

You are not the only one to blame for your current situation. It takes two to tango.

tiff said...

Great post, I feel your (rhetorical) ambivalence.

Just thought I should introduce myself since I see us commenting around on the same blogs!