Must love... Babies?

I think I must be a bad person.

Seriously y’all. No joke. You know how you always watch those made for TV crime movies and you can always tell who the bad guys are because the kids or the pets instinctively don’t trust them? The logic being that if the innocents sense something is wrong with them they must be bad right?

So let me just share with you the events that just took place here in my office. A co-worker recently had a baby and she brought the kid in for a visit. (Don’t even get me started on why people do this… Whole ‘nother post! Anyway…) Another banker, a friend of mine, is walking around with the kid showing him (her?) off to people. Now I can hear the progress around the floor. People are exclaiming and making comments about how “cute” and “big” he/she* is. The kid is cooing and making generally happy sounding baby-type noises.

Then the kid gets to me. I turn around in my seat all prepared to make the appropriate fuss when…

Screaming!

Screaming bloody freaking murder! High pitched, dogs are yowling blocks away and co-workers are wondering if I have somehow managed to ABUSE the baby in the 0.6 seconds it has been in my line of vision, screaming.

Seriously.

All around me I hear a chorus of “what’s wrong?” and “what happened?” As I sit there in stunned silence and my friend looks at me with a look that can only be described as sheer amusement as he backs slowly out of my cube, clutching the baby to his chest and says, “it’s okay, Tiffany scared the baby. She’s scary!”

Thanks buddy.

But y’all? This isn’t the first time! I’ve maybe scared babies before…

Like when TheBoy’s best friend and his wife invited us up to meet their newborn son last year. Now we were having enough of a hard time adjusting to the fact that they had gone off and gotten all legalized and married and stuff. Then they went and bought a house. And then they actually made a conscious decision to get pregnant and, roughly 1.4 seconds later they were. So I won’t lie and say we weren’t a little weirded out to be going up to visit our friends and, you know, hang out with their KID! But I think we hid it well.

Until the mom looked at me and without even the slightest hint of sarcasm goes… “you wanna hold him?” Uhhh… Have you met me? But what was I supposed to do? Tell her I was afraid to because I might… say, DROP her KID?? That would be implying I was an irresponsible adult! Apparently I hesitated long enough because she suggested I could maybe hold him while sitting down. Bless that woman! So we moved over to the couch and she kind of laid the kid in my lap.

THEN. SHE. LEFT. THE. ROOM.

Yeah. What the hell?!?!?! And you know what happened after that?

Yep. The kid started screaming. But does mom come back? Nope. Turns out she had to use the ladies room and had been waiting like all day… But thankfully after a few minutes of me pleading with the kid to

PleaseBeQuiet

and

CoolAuntTiffyWouldGiveHimIceCreamIfHeHadTeeth

and

Wouldn’tHeLikeANiceBeer

also maybe a few

ShutTheFuckUpPleasePrettyPlease**

his daddy DID come in to see who was torturing his son.

Followed by TheBoy who thought the whole thing was hilarious. Interestingly he’s much better with this whole baby thing than he lets on. News to me!

I would also like to point out that TheBoy’s best friend and his wife had also gotten a brand new kitten that weekend we were visiting. I mean t-tiny, maybe 4 weeks old, abandoned kitten that they were rescuing. I am happy to say that the kitten took to me like white on rice and practically tried to stow away in my backpack for the trip home.

So I’m maybe not a serial killer after all if the animals don’t hate me right?



*I am a bad person – I didn’t pay attention to the announcement y’all – I’m sorry!

**Not my finest moment okay? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Big Sur (updated photos)

This weekend TheBoy and I packed two days worth of dry and warm clothing, food and some booze (because y’all – it’s us we’re talking about here) into two backpacks that I could easily climb inside of myself and set off for a weekend hike at the beautiful Northern California coast. Honestly, at the beginning of last week we weren’t sure we were going to be able to go at all because the weatherman was forecasting rainstorms straight through the weekend and while I do like to backpack I am not such a huge fan of rain.

I actually used to backpack a lot in high school. In fact I even belonged to a club for a very short time through the recreation center that organized overnight trips for local teens to various destinations around the bay area. Mainly Big Sur but some other areas as well. I’ll be honest… I think I enjoyed the dichotomy of me, the varsity cheerleader with long blonde hair in French braid pig-tails and manicured nails out there kicking ass on the trails as much as the actual hiking and nature. I remember this one hike I pulled up in my car, a teal green Saturn with pom poms lining the rear window, and started pulling my gear out of the trunk and these two mean granola-type girls turned to these, equally granola-y, guys they were with and said (very loudly and VERY rudely) “who invited Barbie”.

I REALLY, REALLY enjoyed passing them on the trails later that day. Bitches. But of course I sweetly offered one of them some water and a granola (ha) bar when she couldn’t keep up later in the afternoon. Kill them with kindness my Mama always said…

Ahhh the younger days… Needless to say I wasn’t doing much passing of anyone on the trails this past weekend! Nothing is quite as humbling as working really hard and feeling like you’re in really good shape and then going out and testing yourself to realize that… well… you just aren’t. Nope. Man I am SORE today! And I don’t mean like a few sore muscles and wow that was a good work-out. I mean I am waddling sore! Planning my day around minimizing how many times I need to get up from my desk sore!

Though I did have an epiphany at one point that I fully blame on lack of calories to the brain... It goes like this. My pack weighed roughly 45 pounds so together that is maybe only 8 or 9 pounds MORE than what I weighed at my heaviest a couple years ago! Scary! No wonder I was so miserable. I can’t believe how far I’ve come y’all. Really it helps to put things in to perspective sometimes. Also, I think I’ve come to a point where I need to put a firm end weight on this diet thing. I’ve avoided doing it because I’ve wanted to see how I’d feel and what I’d look like and such but I’m in to the home stretch and I want to be able to set a final goal and have something to work for. So stay tuned. I may or may not announce my final goal here. (How is THAT for vague?!?!)

Anywho, Big Sur was awesome! I forget how beautiful California really is sometimes. I really am fortunate to have been able to live here for as long as I have. Between the affordable housing prices* and the stellar traffic** it’s easy to overlook the natural beauty that is just a short drive from here.

And while the exercise and fresh air was good for the body, a little R & R and quiet time alone with my man was good for the soul. You know? Because sometimes it gets too easy to overlook each other…

*Sarcasm

**More sarcasm



**PHOTOS**

This was a little "stream" we had to cross at the beginning of the hike. The log was actually the best way across believe it or not.


TheBoy WOULD. NOT. KISS. the banana slug! Have you ever heard of anything so cute?!?! I thought that was like a California kid's coming of age ritual...? I think I'd lived here all of 4 months before I'd done it! So sad.


Here's me with a teeny tiny waterfall off to the left... The canyon was beautiful y'all. This picture can't do it justice. Amazing.




Okay I have a couple more photos but Blogger is being a pain in my ass! So I'll try to upload some more tomorrow! :)



** MORE PHOTOS**

The waterfall was BEAUTIFUL! And I have no idea how we missed it on the way in except that it was kind of hidden behind this cliff thing. And we were exhausted.


This is another picture of the canyon... We were hiking along this teeny tiny ridge and this canyon was immense! Really these photos don't do it justice. The Big Sur river was WAY below us (~1200' or so) but we could still hear it from time to time and the wind was rushing by... It was so peaceful up there y'all.


This is a picture of our little camp. We were going to go down to another camp site entirely but about a mile before we got there we started getting passed by all these little boys. Like DOZENS of them! Sure enough - boy scouts. So we decided to stop here instead. Because... Y'all know... I'm maybe a little... inappropriate for young boys. I'm just saying...


Here's a close up of us by the fire... Nevermind that we look a little tired! Did I mention it was a 6 HOUR hike in?!?!? No? How quickly one forgets!


Also, did y'all know that wet wood actually boils? Me neither!

Trivialities

I was listening to my favorite radio show this morning on my way in to work and the DJs were talking about various songs that had words in them that were funny. Sometimes you think that song writers must have a good sense of humor when they are sitting down to write lyrics.

So smile for a while and let's be jolly:
Love shouldn't be so melancholy.
Come along and share the good times while we can.

From Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson. I mean really. How can you not love a song where they rhyme “jolly” with “melancholy”? It’s genius, pure genius.

Lookin' back now I can see me
And oh, man did I look cheesy
But I wouldn't trade those days for nothin'
It was 1980-something

From 19-Something by Mark Wills. I thought this was fitting given my upcoming 80’s themed birthday… And the fact that “cheesy” is my favorite adjective ever! Seriously this song never fails to make me laugh.

Seven Deadly Sins

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Randomness

* I am having a bad hair day. This in and of itself is not news because my hair has a mind of its own and generally commences unruly behavior 12 minutes after I’ve left the house. Coincidently 12 minutes is roughly half as long as it takes me to beat my hair into submission each morning. The world is cruel and unjust y’all. No, the bad hair day is news only because up until about 3 minutes ago I THOUGHT I was having a good hair day. I was wrong. So so wrong.

* I just spent 20 minutes in the first floor ladies room because it seems to be the only room in my office building where the heater is working. Never mind that I am dressed inappropriately for the weather. The sun is shining outside therefore it MUST be warm right? Right?

* I think I have successfully made it out of the break in period of my new migraine medication. I no longer feel like I’m walking around with my head in the clouds and I’ve regained a slight appetite. Does this mean I’ve stopped losing weight? Damn it! I really was enjoying that side effect! I also have not had a migraine in 12 days. Wahoo! Now all together now let’s knock on wood…

* I’m not quite sure how this happened but I somehow made it all the way to (almost) 27 without quite realizing what veal was. I pointed to a recipe in Gourmet (or was it Bon Appetit?) magazine this weekend and said to TheBoy “does this sound good?” He then looked at me with a horrified expression and offered an (extremely guarded turns out) explanation of what veal is. Being the curious sort that I am I did a Google search first thing Monday morning for the whole story… BIG MISTAKE! I am, perhaps, permanently scarred.

* Last week the boss and I ordered Chinese food for lunch. I don’t like fortune cookies so I never eat them but I do usually break one open just to see what “words of wisdom” or, y’all know, lottery numbers they’re going to offer. The one I chose to open said “You are heading to a land of sunshine and relaxation.” I have it sitting by my monitor where I can see it every day to remind me that it’s only 14 weeks until Liz and I leave for MAUI!!

Birds of a Feather

I have been called a creature of habit. I like things just so. I have favorite dishes at restaurants, favorite drinks, favorite tables, favorite servers. I alphabetize things, color coordinate my closets, organize my shirts by sleeve length, my pants by hem length. I’ve been called anal retentive, I prefer neat. Or perhaps orderly.

I’m here to tell you that I come by these things completely honestly.

Yesterday was my Al’s birthday. So we went to dinner at the Red Robin. I didn’t even ask where we were going – just called when we were a few minutes from the restaurant to give my parents time to arrive. Why? Because we have gone to the same restaurant for Al’s birthday since he discovered it some 13 or 14 years ago. Because he’s also a creature of habit.

Once there we will order a round of drinks. For Al? A Mai Tai if he’s drinking, Dr. Pepper if he’s not. The same every year. Onion rings. And for dinner? One of two choices… A Bonsai Burger, hamburger, cheddar cheese, pineapple, teriyaki sauce. Or the Teriyaki Chicken Sandwich with Swiss cheese, pineapple, teriyaki sauce… Yep. Big decisions y’all.

And for desert – mud pie. But this year they changed their recipe! Gone was the chocolate-y coffee ice cream concoction we’d shared for so many years and in its place was something I can only assume was meant to be more kid friendly. Chocolate and peanut butter. I don’t think they realized what a tail spin they were going to cause!

So that’s my Al y’all. A little sneak peek in to the nuttiness that is my family. So while he may not be my biological father… You can see that man has certainly left his mark! Do y’all wonder maybe a teensy bit less why I’m crazy now?

Moms and Daughters

This is for Michele... Because yes I am totally taller than my mom! I am also, believe it or not, taller than Angie's mom! So we're reversed in this picture... That's me, Angie's mom, My mom, and Angie (aka: the Bride-to-be) at the engagement party a couple weeks ago.



And I know, I KNOW already... I'm working on getting the other pics posted okay. It's been a little busy at work! And I can't upload photos from home because our upload speed is sooooooooooooooooo sloooooooooooooooooow.

Which is SHOCKING. Given TheBoy's affinity for all things computer. But it's true.

Happy Birthday Al!

Today is my Al’s birthday. I generally lump Al in together with my Mom under the general term of “parents” when I discuss him here. He’s my mother’s husband. They got married the summer after I graduated from High School but they’d been dating for like 15 years before that. I don’t call him Dad, I call him Al. I don’t know why. I call my best friend Angie’s dad “Dad” and I sometimes call Ryan’s dad “Dad” but they’re both “Dad” types. Al’s just… Al. It suits him.

Anyway… He’s the closest thing to a father I’ve got. And it’s his birthday.

So happy Birthday Al! I love you!



n. fa•ther
1. A man who begets or raises or nurtures a child.
2. A male parent of an animal.
3. A male ancestor.
4. An elderly or venerable man. Used as a title of respect.

v. fa•thered, fa•ther•ing, fa•thers
1. To procreate (offspring) as the male parent.
2. To act or serve as a father to (a child).
3. To create, found, or originate.
4. To acknowledge responsibility for.

Fun with Skee Ball! Or Liz is a Genius!

So after I dragged BestFriend Liz around all morning on Thursday (which also maybe was one of her well earned vacation days... which she never takes... thus why she was off work randomly in March... on a Thursday... but I digress) we decided that perhaps Mexican food and margaritas were in order.

Because y'all know. When I'm there Mexican food and margaritas are ALWAYS in order!

*ahem*

But after that we were totally at a loss for what to do. Only it had to be totally not related to weddings. And it had to involve drinking. You guys love us - you know you do.

And then. In a stroke of sheer brilliance, that reminded me in an instant why I love this woman so much, Liz turned to me with a grin on her face and said...

"We should go play Skee Ball!"

I should perhaps mention here that Skee Ball is my all-time favorite arcade game EVER! SO. FUN. Seriously y'all. You know that movie Dogma? When they've lost God (who is played by Alanis Morisette which I also love) and Morgan Freeman's character tells them to go look for her at the arcade playing Skee Ball cause it's her favorite?

Yeah. Skee Ball y'all. It's God's favorite game. I'm just saying.

Anywho... What was I saying? Oh yes. My best friend is awesome. So we played Skee Ball. Drank beer. Discovered a new trivia game at which Liz proceeded to kick my ass! There was much tomfoolery. And photos! Also, maybe beer. Because this is me we're talking about here. That's the way I roll y'all.





Brilliant!


Mmmm... Beer!




Liz is sexy.


Tiff is anal retentive.

The Bitch is Back*

Did you miss me?

It’s okay… I missed y’all too. In fact. The reason I didn’t write anything yesterday is because I spent the day catching up on reading what has been going on in all of your lives for the past 5 or 6 days while I’ve been immersed in the wonderful world of engagement parties and wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses and…

Oh. My. GOD! It’s good to be back y’all.

So let me give you just a brief little recap of the last 6 days.

Thursday
3 hours I slept in (past my usual 5 am wake up time) on my first “vacation day”
1 hour spent making grocery lists and refining the menu for engagement party
1 trip to Costco with BestFriend Liz** for engagement party food stuff
1 trip to Safeway also with BestFriend Liz** for more engagement party stuff
1 time the Groom-to-be came over with sole purpose of unloading the engagement party stuff from the back of BestFriend Liz’s Jeep
1 margarita drank at lunch to recover from morning of grocery shopping
1 fantabulous idea BestFriend Liz had of playing SkeeBall (pictures coming soon)
1 giant beer the size of my head drank while playing (Liz had one too!)
1 new Trivia game discovered
26 times during the day I tried to convince myself that I was not in fact getting a migraine
40 minutes I lasted during yoga before the migraine struck with a vengeance
3 times I can recall in the last several years I have gotten a migraine during the day

Friday
1 Mother-of-the-Bride-to-be who came over bright and early to help prep food Friday morning
1 hour I made her pound steak thin for beef rolls
4 hours she teasingly complained about it to anyone who would listen
1 cake layer I burnt and had to re bake
2 times I had to go back to the store because I forgot things
1 time I sent someone else to the store because good-lord-I-mean-really
1 time we had to go back to Costco because I bought “shrimpy” shrimp
3 batches of brownies baked
39 times (approximately) I said “wow – I can’t believe how much we’ve gotten done!”
40 times (approximate) I knocked on wood after saying the above statement
2 times I ate out – I was cooking for other people therefore I didn’t want to cook for myself
1 movie watched – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (purchased by Liz!)

Saturday
1 bagel egg breakfast sandwich thingy and Odwalla protein shake had at 10 am (note time this will be important later)
1 hour driven to my mother’s house to prep for engagement party
4 hours spent skewering shrimp, rolling flank steak, layering cake, assembling crostini, washing vegetables and fruit and arranging flowers and food to suit my taste pre-party
6 hours spent frantically chatting with guests and making sure people had enough food and beverages during party
1 glass of red wine drank
1 glass of champagne drank
1 time I cried (and thanks to the Groom-to-be for pointing it out to the otherwise oblivious room)
215 times I was told I was drunk – damn this new migraine medicine!
4:00 pm – time the party “officially” started
10:00 pm – time I had to not so subtly hint to people that maybe it was time to go home
1 time I sent TheBoy to the store for more food during the party (I HATE when that happens!)
11:15 pm – time I finally sat down to sat down to eat cold leftovers of pasta dinner from Friday night (the first thing I had eaten since the bagel and protein shake at 10 am)

Sunday
9:30 am – time I woke up Sunday morning – Y’all this is totally significant because 1) I am TOTALLY a morning person! and 2) I missed my yoga class!
1 trip to REI to buy super cute pink and grey fleece jacket for upcoming backpacking trip
1 breakfast at super favorite all time best ever breakfast place – YUM
1 nap while waiting for Bride-to-be to call so we could go shopping for dresses
1 annoyed text message to Bride-to-be at 3:00 pm as to where in the heck she was
1 book finished while waiting – All My Melancholy Whores
1 book started while waiting – The Virgin’s Lover
1 phone call from the Bride-to-be at 5:00 pm saying we weren’t going shopping (grrr!) but she was going to swing by so we could have a plan for Monday
1 dress the Bride-to-be purchased which is super beautiful and I would totally post a picture of except the Groom-to-be reads this site sometimes and well… Y’all know.
1 movie watched Sunday night – Crash (seriously the best movie I’ve seen… maybe ever.
2 glasses of champagne drunk while watching Crash left over from engagement party

Monday
1 breakfast with my mom on Monday morning
2 cute shirts bought shopping with mom
1 cute track suit bought for yoga / gym with mom for only $30!
3 Bridal shops went to on Monday with the Bride-to-be, Mother-of-the-Bride-to-be and the Aunt-of-the-Bride-to-be
23,716 bridesmaid dresses looked at and/or tried on
3 options narrowed down to and carefully considered
1 finally chosen and ordered – which takes 4 months!
5 short months until the wedding y’all!

Tuesday
1 super exhausted Tiffy returned to work Tuesday morning
2,317,894 e-mails in inbox waiting for me upon arrival
2 times my boss hugged me when he came in
4 times I said it’s good to be back
3 times I pulled the picture of the bridesmaid dress up to show it to a co-worker
6 times I pulled up the brides dress to show it off (trust me it’s prettier!)
2 times I e-mailed links to both dresses
17 times I looked at the clock because I was sure it had stopped
1 time I was very glad it was finally 4:30!
1 much needed glass of red wine after work while cooking dinner pre-yoga
1 super excited Tiffy completed first ever headstand in yoga class Tuesday night!

Okay that’s all. But don’t you think that’s enough? Did I lose you all several paragraphs ago? Do you see? Do you understand why I’m so tired? I now need a vacation from my vacation!!!

I promise I’ll be back with photos and general foolishness soon!


*Thank you Sir Elton. “I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch. Oh the bitch is back”

**BestFriend Liz = Saint Liz for sacrificing one of her “vacation days” to help me shop and prep for an engagement party for a wedding she’s not even involved in! Yay for awesome friends! I love her!

Have I mentioned that she’s awesome?

You guys should all tell her she’s awesome too.

Go on. Do it now.

Ah... the good old days...

Okay so thanks to Becky I’ve been totally reliving my childhood over here… I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE Kids Incorporated! Kind of the same format as the Mickey Mouse Club. Which, needless to say, I also LOVED.

And Britney? It’s time to get your man back honey. I’m just saying.

And the little teeny bopper soap on Nickelodeon called Fifteen? Did anyone (besides Becky – love you Beck!) see that either? Canadian teenagers? With a band? A diner? Pinball? Any of this ring a bell?

Anywho… This got me thinking of all the other shows I loved growing up…



Hey Dude – Christine Taylor was on that show!

Salute Your Shorts – I think Alanis Morisette was in this show??

321 Contact

Reading Rainbow

Math Net

Okay I just realized that the last three shows on there were like… educational and stuff… Wow. I was a geek even then!



Also, Anyone remember the cool cartoons?

Heathcliff, heathcliff no one could terrorize the neighborhood…

And the Snorks??

Smurfs?

Dude! Fraggle Rock!?!?



Man… They just don’t make them like they used to…



What are some of your favorites?

The Best of All Worlds

If I could have the best of all worlds… my hair would be either curly or straight. Not both depending on its mood.

If I could have the best of all worlds… there would be hardly any calories in cheese. Also, lactose intolerance would not exist.

If I could have the best of all worlds… I would be able to work because I wanted to, because I enjoyed what I was doing, or because I was just bored.

If I could have the best of all worlds… my family and friends would all be blessed with excellent health, financial security and love.

If I could have the best of all worlds… flip flops, open toed sandals, jeans, summer dresses, capri pants and tank tops would be appropriate business attire.

If I could have the best of all worlds… I would always live in a place that has warm weather year round and with an ocean within walking distance.

If I could have the best of all worlds… I would be able to afford to buy a home of my own. And then a beach house, a lake house, a condo in the city and a flat in Paris.

If I could have the best of all worlds… strawberries, black berries, artichokes, Italian sweet peppers and wild mushrooms would always be in season. Also, they would be affordable.

If I could have the best of all worlds… my closest girlfriends would always live around the corner from me.

If I could have the best of all worlds… I would have time, money and energy to complete my Bachelor’s Degree. Then I would move on to my Master’s and then my Doctorate. I love learning.

If I could have the best of all worlds… there would be no such thing as “losing touch” with someone. I would always have the time to be a good friend.

If I could have the best of all worlds… I’d be married to my best friend, he would make me laugh so hard my sides would ache, he would cherish me, I would never take him for granted.

If I could have the best of all worlds… there would be peace. People would respect other’s beliefs and traditions. There would be no “my way” is right and “your way” is wrong. No “my God” and “your God”.

If I could have the best of all worlds… it would always be sunny and warm but there would never be draught and all the plants would be green and lush.

If I could have the best of all worlds… no one would ever lie. No one would ever cheat. There would be no such thing as hurt feelings.

If I could have the best of all worlds… I could spend my days planning menus, scouring stores for perfect ingredients. Choosing wines to suit my friends’ moods. Plates and dining accessories to compliment seasons.

If I could have the best of all worlds… my cat would be sleepy when I am sleepy.

If I could have the best of all worlds… there would be no traffic, no road rage, no migraines, no insensitive people without filters, no oblivious slow moving drivers when you’re trying to get home after a long day.

If I could have the best of all worlds… there would be no such thing as a bikini wax. Unwanted body hair would not exist. My nails would grow in perfectly manicured.

If I could have the best of all worlds… I would have rows and rows of book shelves full of alphabetized classics. Original editions. Digitally re-mastered CDs. Closets full of Ann Taylor and Banana Republic. Color coordinated. Walnut floors. Cream colored furniture. Clean lines. Colored walls. Lots of space. Picture windows.

If I could have the best of all worlds… cat fur would remain on the cat.

Baby Pandas!

These little ones were born in The Sichuan Wolong Panda Protection and Breed Center in Southern China. The zoo artificially inseminated 38 females. These were the first 16 born and includes 5 sets of twins. The others were due later in the fall. The cubs are weighed and measured every five days by a special panda nurse. The heaviest tips the scale at just over 24 pounds, while the lightest weighs about 11 pounds.

I normally am not about posting gratuitous cute photos just for the heck of it but... Seriously! Have y'all ever seen anything so cute?!?! And OMG check out the claws!

Infatuations.

The first boy I remember having a crush on was named Greg. I can’t remember his last name. My mom was a single mom and she worked long hours so I was relegated to after school care 5 nights a week. That’s where I met Greg. My best friend Laurel and I would hang out with him in a corner of the playground, under the “tower” making “soft sand” on our jeans. Also, we played tag. A lot. I remember one day Greg took off his shirt and showed us how he could flex his pectoral muscles. He used the word pectoral. Then he wanted us to try. I knew that was forbidden… It made him seem dangerous that he would even ask. I was maybe 10.

After Greg there was Armando. Or Arman. Something like that. He lived in the same apartment building as we did. Not far from where TheBoy and I live now. I used to roller skate (roller skate y’all! This was before those newfangled roller blades) on top of the roof of the recreation center rocking out to my Beach Boys tape and hoping he’d come out and talk to me. I used to envision running in to him in random places. Price Club. Safeway. On the way to school in the mornings. He was older than my 10 years or so, maybe 13 even, an older man. My dreams of him were shattered when we relocated to Texas.

But never fear, he was soon replaced by Ross. Red headed and athletic. Popular. He was one of THE coolest guys in the 5th grade. I mooned over him, wrote Tiffany loves Ross, combined our names, and practiced my signature (in case we got married – it SO could have happened!) over and over and over inside my school notebooks. I would position my group of friends in the cafeteria near him so I could stare. I never spoke to him though. Not once. My friend Kathy Ann told our friend Tony to tell Ross that I liked him. I was so embarrassed that I avoided him like the plague after that. I doubt he would even remember my name.

I never really got over Ross but there were other boys that took his place. I briefly had a crush on my friend Tony. He was funny – the class clown. And he wore glasses. That was the beginning of my infatuation with men in glasses I think. But as much as I tried I could not get past the fact that he was my friend. Also, Kathy Ann had a HUGE crush on him and she was one of my best friends (because y’all know – I had like 14 “best” friends). Even then, at that early age, it just simply wasn’t acceptable to be attracted to the same boy as your friends. I wonder if Kathy Ann ever told Tony how she felt. We were pretty inseparable for a time.

Andy was a quiet boy in my class. I didn’t have a crush on him as much as I was flattered that he had a huge crush on me. He drew me a valentine of Rambo (yes that Rambo) saying “Yo, Tiffany be my Valentine.” I think he had his Sylvester Stallone movies confused… My mom still has it. He rode my bus home – lived in the same part of town as me. My friend Alexis and I would sit together in the seat one in front of his to the left and talk about the social implications of me “going out” with Andy. He wasn’t popular but he wasn’t a total loss either… I think he asked me “out” every day for months. He was so sweet. I wish my younger self had realized that a nice guy is always better than a popular guy. I kind of strung him along.

I think Andy gave up on me when I agreed to “go together” with Will. Will was tall, one of the biggest guys in our 6th grade class. I, of course, have always been petite so he positively towered over me. I liked it. I would pretend I was “stuck” on top of the monkey bars (because that’s where the cool kids hung out – on top of the monkey bars) and he would walk by and lift me down. He always kept his hands on me a little longer than was appropriate. I liked it. He was supposed to have been my first kiss too. It was all planned. I was moving (AGAIN) back to California and the big kiss was going to happen on my last day of school… Unfortunately my mom came to pick me up earlier than expected and I couldn’t find him when I was running around saying goodbye. I never saw him again. But oddly when we got to our new house here in California, the street across from us shared his last name. That house is the longest I ever lived in one place (almost 7 years) and I always thought of him when I saw that sign.

The first boy I had a crush on when I moved to California was Justin. He and his sister Tracy were visiting their father who lived down the street from me. They were my only friends that summer. We were pretty much inseparable. Tracy and I were buddies, she was a year younger than me. I think she knew I kind of liked her brother, who was a year older than me. One night after watching movies at their place I made Justin walk me home – 3 whole houses away. We held hands. About half way home he stopped and pulled on my hand. When I turned around he hastily planted a peck on my cheek. Actually he kind of missed my cheek and kissed more of my ear than anything else. I blushed and he ran off. It was my first kiss. It was our only kiss. We kept in contact for a long time but I’ve lost touch with them now. I think about them all the time.

When school started in the fall I went to a VERY small school (there were 5 people in my class y’all – that’s SMALL) so my options were limited. Very limited! I briefly had a crush on the boy that has ended up being the best “older brother” I could have ever wanted, Shawn. I even called my friends back in Texas and told them all about this really cute guy in my class. He reminded me of Zach from Saved by the Bell. Seriously. That crush lasted less than a week, the friendship is going on 15 years. He’s happily married; his wife is beautiful, I love him still – as a sister. Albeit a long lost sister who is horrible at keeping in touch.

The first real crush I had at school that year was a boy named Ben. Dark haired, intense eyes. Unfortunately for me, he liked my friend Jeunee. And as I’ve stated before, I just don’t go there with boys my friends like, used to like, dated, used to date, nothing. Off limits. Also, he had a slight anger problem I think. Or maybe I just made him angry. He threw a chair at me. I can’t remember why. After that he left school. I wonder what ever happened to him. I don’t’ think Jeunee ever forgave me… She blamed me for him leaving school.

There was a boy named Jon who was the younger brother of a friend of mine from Sunday school that had a crush on me. Of course they moved to Oregon or something… I thought about him a lot after they moved. He was quiet. And younger than me – 2 years younger. It happens in a school with so few kids. There was a time that all the 7th grade girls had 5th grade “boyfriends”. It seems weird now but it wasn’t then.

After that I “went out” with this boy named Dante. His family owned a grocery store type thing. He gave me roses for my birthday – one yellow, one red. He said they reminded him of a cheeseburger. He dumped me when another girl transferred in - Brie. She was an 8th grader… An even OLDER woman. And she was prettier than me. I don’t say that to belittle myself. She just was. I knew her for a long time after that but we never became friends. I think it’s because of Dante.

Dante was the last of the crushes. The last of the boys I attribute to my girlhood.

The next boy I “dated” was actually the first boy I called “boyfriend”, the first boy that told me he loved me, the first boy that broke my heart. He was the first boy that made me feel special. He scared me. The feeling that I had for him were so intense and I was so young. We were so young. Every boyfriend I had after him (with the exception of TheBoy) has been analyzed and measured against him. Against those feelings. I was so naive.

I think he deserves his own entry someday…