Must love... Babies?

I think I must be a bad person.

Seriously y’all. No joke. You know how you always watch those made for TV crime movies and you can always tell who the bad guys are because the kids or the pets instinctively don’t trust them? The logic being that if the innocents sense something is wrong with them they must be bad right?

So let me just share with you the events that just took place here in my office. A co-worker recently had a baby and she brought the kid in for a visit. (Don’t even get me started on why people do this… Whole ‘nother post! Anyway…) Another banker, a friend of mine, is walking around with the kid showing him (her?) off to people. Now I can hear the progress around the floor. People are exclaiming and making comments about how “cute” and “big” he/she* is. The kid is cooing and making generally happy sounding baby-type noises.

Then the kid gets to me. I turn around in my seat all prepared to make the appropriate fuss when…

Screaming!

Screaming bloody freaking murder! High pitched, dogs are yowling blocks away and co-workers are wondering if I have somehow managed to ABUSE the baby in the 0.6 seconds it has been in my line of vision, screaming.

Seriously.

All around me I hear a chorus of “what’s wrong?” and “what happened?” As I sit there in stunned silence and my friend looks at me with a look that can only be described as sheer amusement as he backs slowly out of my cube, clutching the baby to his chest and says, “it’s okay, Tiffany scared the baby. She’s scary!”

Thanks buddy.

But y’all? This isn’t the first time! I’ve maybe scared babies before…

Like when TheBoy’s best friend and his wife invited us up to meet their newborn son last year. Now we were having enough of a hard time adjusting to the fact that they had gone off and gotten all legalized and married and stuff. Then they went and bought a house. And then they actually made a conscious decision to get pregnant and, roughly 1.4 seconds later they were. So I won’t lie and say we weren’t a little weirded out to be going up to visit our friends and, you know, hang out with their KID! But I think we hid it well.

Until the mom looked at me and without even the slightest hint of sarcasm goes… “you wanna hold him?” Uhhh… Have you met me? But what was I supposed to do? Tell her I was afraid to because I might… say, DROP her KID?? That would be implying I was an irresponsible adult! Apparently I hesitated long enough because she suggested I could maybe hold him while sitting down. Bless that woman! So we moved over to the couch and she kind of laid the kid in my lap.

THEN. SHE. LEFT. THE. ROOM.

Yeah. What the hell?!?!?! And you know what happened after that?

Yep. The kid started screaming. But does mom come back? Nope. Turns out she had to use the ladies room and had been waiting like all day… But thankfully after a few minutes of me pleading with the kid to

PleaseBeQuiet

and

CoolAuntTiffyWouldGiveHimIceCreamIfHeHadTeeth

and

Wouldn’tHeLikeANiceBeer

also maybe a few

ShutTheFuckUpPleasePrettyPlease**

his daddy DID come in to see who was torturing his son.

Followed by TheBoy who thought the whole thing was hilarious. Interestingly he’s much better with this whole baby thing than he lets on. News to me!

I would also like to point out that TheBoy’s best friend and his wife had also gotten a brand new kitten that weekend we were visiting. I mean t-tiny, maybe 4 weeks old, abandoned kitten that they were rescuing. I am happy to say that the kitten took to me like white on rice and practically tried to stow away in my backpack for the trip home.

So I’m maybe not a serial killer after all if the animals don’t hate me right?



*I am a bad person – I didn’t pay attention to the announcement y’all – I’m sorry!

**Not my finest moment okay? Desperate times call for desperate measures.