Monday, April 03, 2006

What am I saving again?

You know it’s not going to be a good morning when the phone rings at 7:40 as you are walking out the door, coffee in hand and on the other end it’s work wondering where in the heck you are because it is, in fact, 8:40.

Stupid Daylight Savings Time.

I suppose that’s what I get for not really leaving the house this weekend.

I had a dream about my ex the other night. THE ex. You know, the one we all have… The one who has had way more influence over us than we care to admit. I know it’s because I ran in to some people from high school Saturday night at the bar and they mentioned him. It’s funny because even though he wasn’t there his disdain for me was plain.

Have you ever known yourself to be hated? Ever looked into someone’s eyes and seen pure hatred and disgust looking back at you? I hate that this still bothers me. Now. More than 10 years after we began dating and almost 6 since it ended. How do you turn love into hate?

We used to talk about that song by Third Eye Blind. The lyrics go like this:

I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be

Why is it that now that it’s all true and he doesn’t know me anymore that I still feel guilty for the contempt he holds me in? Because it’s my fault. Really it is. And I still feel the anger. I still feel the sadness I felt when I realized that somehow I had gone from friend to foe.

I think the thing that angers me the most is that I AM different. I HAVE changed. I am no longer the scared little girl, so desperate to please everyone that I’d do anything, anything to gain acceptance. I’ve learned to stand on my own. I have friends that accept me as I am. I have honesty in my life now. I am honest about who I am, what I have done, my short comings, my faults, they are all out there, on the table, ready for viewing, for inspection. And the past stays in the past. Dead and buried. Forgotten.

Most of the time.

**Just go ahead and file this under birthday blues related introspection – k?**


Liz said...

He shouldn't occupy your thoughts all. His hatred comes from the fact that you are better than him he knows it. You have become a wonderful, intelligent, strong woman. You surpassed him ages ago. Again something he knows. He hates himself and can't get over that.

erikhnh said...

Amen to that, Liz!!!

Ran said...

I know I don't know you well Tiffany but when those feelings creep into your brain, say a brief prayer. "Lord, clear my thoughts of this forever". I hope you are doing well and got your day on track after FINALLY springing forward. Too funny! Things are improving on the work front. Thank God! Those two weeks from hell have passed.

Retro Girl said...

New to reading your blog...Enjoying it...

Came across this post about the Ex.. Sounded so familiar - I used to hear that Song "How's it gonna be" when I was plotting in my mind for years, on how to "run away" and escape my unhappy life. It was my secret anthem. Sometimes it'd get me thru, and other times make me so scared, and too weak to ever make any changes.

When the time finally came years later, and I told him I was unhappy for years and I wanted a divorce, I could see the hurt, so deep, in his eyes. It killed me to do it, but I did and I live a much happier life now. (I still miss him sometimes - the good stuff, believe it or not..) But he didn't know me like he once did...we grew up and apart. We just lied to ourselves for years that it wasn't falling apart.

It's hard...but sounds like you are doing better...

Take care

Retro Girl