Yesterday I may have come as close as I ever will to my 5 minutes of TV related fame. Unless you count those local cable stations and their “High School Sports Focus” shows from 10 years ago. Which I don’t. TheBoy and I traveled down to Burbank with his mom and mom’s bf to be in the guest audience of the Ellen DeGeneres show.
Why you ask? Yeah. Because TheBoy’s mom is a fan, had free tickets and paid for our flight down. Also, apparently TheBoy hates his job so much he is willing to do anything to get out of going to work for a day! Now let me preface this little story by saying that I embarrass easily so I don’t know what possessed me to agree to going on this show where I might actually BE ON TV!
Seriously y’all the first birthday that TheBoy and I were dating we’d been together… Slightly less than a year. And he took me and my parents to Max’s Opera Café. All the servers at Max’s are singers. Good singers. There is a piano and they do numbers inbetween waiting on their customers. TheBoy thought it would be great to have them sing Happy Birthday to me, you know because it was my birthday and all. So when I got up to use the restroom he mentioned it to our waitress and… Let’s just say that was the most beautiful rendition of Happy Birthday I have ever heard… from UNDERNEATH the table. Where I was crying. And maybe a very attractive shade of magenta. I do NOT like to be the center of attention y’all.
“But Tiffany”, you might say, “didn’t you used to sing and dance and do musical theater?” To that question I offer only one explanation – when I am onstage and the stage lights are up and the house lights are down I. CAN. NOT. SEE. YOU. Therefore, you do not exist.
Anyway, back to yesterday’s story. I had been joking around with the girls about how going to the Ellen show was really all TheBoy’s idea when someone said that maybe it was all a ruse to get me on Jerry Springer! Needless to say on the flight down I was amusing myself with all sorts of possible titles for the Jerry Springer episode I could potentially be in store for…
“The reason I don’t want to get married is because… I’m already married!”
“Meet my gay lover” (TheBoy’s suggestion – not mine!)
It did help pass the time on our short flight to So Cal but I will admit I did breathe a HUGE sigh of relief when we got to the lot and all the signs did in fact say “Welcome to the Ellen DeGeneres Show”. Not that TheBoy” would EVER do that to me. And live. But you know.
Of course no sooner did I breathe THAT sigh of relief did this perky little assistant come over and pass out a questionnaire letting us know that there was a “psychic” on the show that day and asking us to write down a question. Heh. No way Jose. Of course TheBoy’s mom thought this was HYSTERICAL! I managed to throw my paper into the nearest trash bin but TheBoy got his paper turned in with his question reading “Will I marry my love?” or something close. Luckily for him (and me) it wasn’t chosen for air time!
Also, the psychic? Roseanne Barr. Freaking hysterical! She was offensive but she was offending everyone I think so it’s okay. Like equal opportunity offensiveness? Really she was SO funny. I guess she’s doing puppet musical things for kids now? That kind of strikes me as wrong… Kind of like the dad from Full House and his potty mouth stand up routine. I’m just saying…
Oh oh oh! And ladies! The other guest worth mentioning?? Angel from Buffy! That’s right – David Boreanaz. Unfortunately he is supremely boring. I mean I know he’s married to a Playboy bunny and stuff. But he went on and on (and on) about his 4 year-old’s birthday party and mud on the carpets and Power Rangers and yeah. It kind of ruined it for me. I just wanted to run up there and put my finger to his lips and be like “Ssshhhh sweetie it’s okay. Just sit there and look pretty for me. K?” But I think they frown on that.
And it might have helped if I had actually WATCHED the show once before I went to it because OH THE DANCING! Y’all have no idea! Even those of you who have seen it have no idea! Every commercial break they make the audience get up and dance. So while you at home are sitting there hearing about Pampers or feminine itch cream? The poor audience members are being subjected to dance contests! Yeah. Just thought you should know. It’s supposed to “keep the energy” or something.
All in all it was a fun day. We did get to have a fantastic dinner at Morton’s Steakhouse after the show which was truly the highlight of the day as far as I’m concerned. And I got my good deed in as I saved this woman from walking out of the bathroom with her skirt tucked in to her panties. Just call me St. Tiffy. Seriously isn’t that every woman’s worst nightmare?