I used to be a different person, with a different life, a different set of friends… I think this isn’t uncommon actually. People grow, they change, they move on. What IS uncommon is finding yourself in the company of both lives at the same time. So it was with me this weekend. After spending 10 years desperately trying to keep my past separate from my present – there they were, making polite conversation over a beer.
The bride and I met as part of my previous life and she is still very much involved in it. I felt like I had entered the twilight zone this weekend. Here were my old friends, my old school, my old church, most unchanged from what I remember. Sure children were older, people were married, and there were a few grey hairs… But mainly it was as if I had walked back in to see what my life could have been.
I won’t lie – I found myself trying it on for size. Thinking what if? Not necessarily what if I hadn’t ever left? I don’t regret it. But what if I came back? What if I chose this life again? Would there be a place for me here? Would I find what I am looking for? Would I be happy?
I miss the sense of community, the willingness of others to go above and beyond for people who need it. As cheesy as it sounds, I miss family values. I miss church on Sunday mornings. I miss being involved.
At the same time, my new life, my current life, was also represented this weekend. Definitely more comfortable, decidedly more “me”, this is a life I chose. I made this life for myself, I built it, I struggled in it, and it’s mine. I didn’t fall into it because my parents directed me, I didn’t accept something that wasn’t quite me, I didn’t settle.
I love my friends, my family. I love our group – the events, the parties, the one on one time I spend with everyone. I like all the busy weekends, the trips to the lake, to Vegas. I like having a job which affords me the opportunity to be able to do all of these things. I love my boss. I love not waking up every morning and wondering whether or not today will be a good day.
And yet this life? It’s not a perfect fit either. As I look around me I realize that there are things I wish were different now and yet… I seem to have been content waiting for change to just come along and happen. I realize I can’t do that any more, that it’s up to me to make the changes in my life that I want. I know some changes will be hard to make and Lord knows I am not the best with conflict, but the idea of sitting still doesn’t appeal to me either.
I’m pondering change. Big change.