30 Days of Truth - Day 7

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I have been to some dark, dark places in the last couple of years. Like scared the crap out of myself, thought maybe I was losing my tentative grip on sanity and seriously considering whether life was even worth continuing, dark places. I’ve detoured on the way in to work and driven an hour down a winding country road, wondering if I had the courage to just keep going and never look back. I’ve had complete sobbing, snot-filled break downs in the parking lots of grocery stores, parks and in the driveway of my house. I’ve contemplated, more than once, just holding the wheel straight instead of making the turn at the top of the hill leading in to town. I’m not proud of any of these moments, and frankly wouldn’t mention them at all except for this next part. Always, always when I’ve reached the end of my rope and can’t for the life of me remember why I even am holding on in the first place, I think of my mom.

My mom is the person who makes my life worth living, the one who makes me want to go on living, and the one who gave me life in the first place. I think about how devastated she’d be if I were gone. I think about how unfair it would be to leave her (and more recently, TheHusband) to clean up the utter mess I’ve made of my life, to be responsible for my debts, to have to clean out my belongings. And, even when I can’t come up with a single solitary reason why I should go on living this life that I hate for even one second longer I DO go on, because of her. Because she’d miss me and because I love her and don’t want to cause her pain and because I have tried to be a good daughter (minus some memorable teen angst filled moments in High School) and I don’t want to let her down.

I suppose it is true that a mother’s love is the strongest force on earth.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. - done
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Okay I’ll admit it; I’ve sat here for several hours with this page up in the background and cursor blinking with absolutely no idea how to write about this topic. Do they mean something I’ve done and hope to never do again? Or, do they mean something hypothetical that I never hope to do ever? Because being in a plane crash doesn't sound like fun... Or finding myself lost in the wilderness alone with no food or water. And who is this mysterious “they”? These things should really come with clearer instructions for us AR types. How can I be an over-achiever if I don’t know the RULES!

Ahem.

Well if I’m going with the premise that I should be writing about something I hope I never have to do again, I hope I never have to lose another friend or family member at far too young an age. I think I’m not the only one when I say that the grief for the death of an elderly person, who has lived a good, long life, while still poignant, is not nearly as overwhelming and universe-crushing as losing someone who is young with their entire lives still ahead of them. Or even just the entire second half of their lives in front of them!

Recently, I lost a close High School friend to cancer in 2009 and a cousin (to medical negligence? that’s a whole other post) in 2010. Both of these deaths affected me tremendously because in the first case I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THIS KID! We are (were?) the SAME AGE! I don’t think that is a reality check so much as a cold bitch-slap across the face. And in the second case, while my cousin was quite a bit older than me, she was still far too young for us to be hearing the words “colostomy bag” and “complications-induced coma”. Also, how terrible for my Aunt to have to bury her daughter… For anyone to have to bury their child.

It really makes you think, re-evaluate if you will, about the impact your life is having on those around you. If I die young, will I be remembered? And by whom? Will I be thought of fondly, with many shared memories to reminisce on by my friends and family? Will there be people out there who feel relief when I’m gone? Or worse, feel nothing at all? Have I left a good legacy behind me in these few years? Have I been kind? Helpful? Selfish? Weak? Will my life be celebrated for the achievements I’ve made? Or will people just mourn my loss and talk about “what could have been”? Not to mention the affect on your health – I am now current on all doctor-type things and never miss a check up. Because what if? You keep hearing that early diagnosis is key right? I find myself passing over French fries for salads and going for runs instead of just web surfing these days. So maybe that’s a good legacy to leave behind?

No matter, I hope to NEVER attend another funeral of someone too young to be gone.

*****

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. - done
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Sorry for the long pause in between posts. I’ve been sidelined with a nasty bladder/kidney infection for the past few days. Y’all. I had no idea how excruciatingly painful a kidney infection could be! Sad times indeed.

*****

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Goodness. There are LOADS of things I hope to do in my life! I hope to start my own business so I can be my own boss because I hate having some arbitrary order giver above me with the power to ruin my life. I hope to be able to work from home so I can wear jeans and NOT commute farther than the guest bedroom/office. In fact, I hope to someday only put a couple hundred miles on my car in any given month instead of thousands. I hope to find something I can be passionate about, something that truly helps people and makes a difference. I hope to find something that is all of those things AND makes enough money that I can live, not lavishly – just comfortably.

I hope to have enough time to volunteer at one of the many organizations near and dear to my heart (and enough money from working for myself that I can take the time away from that to volunteer). I’d like to be involved in the local food banks, or help out at the women’s shelter, or maybe work with animals somehow. I’d like to put some of the skills I’ve acquired to use for good – maybe I can counsel people on how to get control of their finances and buy a home. Maybe I can counsel people in how to shift little things in their diets in order to take control of their health. Do they have a 4H equivalent for grown ups? I’d like to do that. Or volunteer at the library. There are so many things I’d love to be able to do, if only I had the time in the day with my current work/commute schedule or the money to leave this job/commute and move on to something a little more realistic to my life.

I hope to travel, oh the travelling! I can’t even begin to count the books I’ve read based in England, France, Scotland… Places I’ve never been to but can visualize in my head as clear as day. I’d love to go to Italy, to walk among places that are older than I can imagine, to eat fabulous food and drink amazing wines. I’d love to go to Greece, you know one of those places on the coast with the white stucco walls and the amazingly blue waters? Hell I’d even like to travel the US a bit more. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, or to Utah to see those amazing red rocks, or to any of the national parks (except Yosemite – which I’d like to re-visit). I’ve barely travelled at all on the East Coast (with the exception of a few trips to the DC area). I’d love to see Alaska – in the summer – and even spend a bit more time exploring Mexico.

I hope to live someplace where I can have a little land, a garden and a couple dogs running around. Someplace I can afford without having to take out 3 mortgages and ransom off my first born son. (Joke is on them – ha! There will be no first born son!) I’d like to open the windows in my house and not worry about the neighbors being able to see in. I’d like to walk outside and not have the first things I see be traffic and buildings and congestion but instead see trees, wildlife, dogs, and sunshine. I’d like to grow my own tomatoes, veggies and herbs. I’d like to have fruit trees or maybe nut trees or olives. Maybe have a small vineyard… A case or two of wine a year made with love? Dream. Come. True.

I guess mainly I just hope that these days are the worst it is going to get and that eventually I will be able to live a life a little more in line with my dreams. I keep remembering something someone told me at church a long (LONG) time ago – that God would not test me beyond what I could bear. Well either God is angry with me or the Universe is having a grand old time at my expense because this right here? This is pretty much the limit of what I can bear. I’m so done. I’m ready for some good days, some happy times, and some ch-ch-changes!

*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. - done
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

“Always forgive, but never forget.” – Rootz Underground

Y’all. I am sort of ashamed to admit this. Turns out? I totally hold grudges. I didn’t completely realize it before now… It seems that even though I am able to forgive people for things that hurt me (and I am the QUEEN of seeing it from the other side and justifying people’s actions) it somehow irreparably changes the way I feel about said person. I guess that’s the “never forget” part? But how can I go back to being friends in the same way with someone once I’ve seen how they can hurt me? When you allow someone into your life and give them enough of yourself that they can would you its sort of expected that they will never use those powers for evil right?

Of course the first person that popped in to my head when I read today’s prompt was the sperm donor, AKA my biological father. (My mom HATES when I call him sperm donor – so if you’re reading this – sorry Mama – love you!) But then I realized that I HAVE forgiven him. I’ve forgiven him for never being around because really, we moved around so much when I was younger and we never lived closer than four states away from where he has lived for as long as I can remember. And I know he has never made a TON of money and that regular travel by flight or car and across county is expensive. I’ve forgiven him for not making me more a priority in his life because I understand the man was trying to live a life out there! I KNOW all of these things and so, I am no longer angry with him and I’ve forgiven the pain he caused me growing up.

Except, now that he’s little more than a stranger I have no desire to include him in my life. We could not possibly be more different when it comes to the lives we lead and while he feels some right to judge me or try and change who I am because he is my “father” I feel like I’ve spent enough of my life justifying my beliefs and actions to people and I certainly don’t feel the need to justify them to this judgmental stranger. I wish I could just tell him to remember the good memories that we do have from when I was small. It’s enough for me, and that’s really how I want to remember him, and us. So while I’ve forgiven him, I can not forget and so we can not have a relationship.

And what about various boyfriends over the years with whom I’ve had falling outs, have I forgiven them? Of course I have, life is too short and I’ve clearly moved on and am planning on spending the rest of my life with the man who IS right for me so why waste energy being angry with the past. But. That doesn’t mean I want to be friends with any of them. One ex in particular was quite bent out of shape after having gotten back in touch with me a couple years after our break up when he discovered that I did not ever intend to have a friendship with him again. His arguments that we had been together for so long and had been such a large part of each others childhoods didn’t convince me. Because really, at the end, when he was cheating on me, and lying to me, and purposely trying to hurt me so that I would make it easier on him and break up with HIM, I saw a side of his personality that I can not forget. I told him that I wouldn’t be friends with ANYONE who behaved that way towards another human being and I certainly couldn’t imagine ever truly being friends with someone who behaved that way towards ME. Have I forgiven? Sure. I understand wanting to avoid a conflict and I understand feeling like you want to explore something when you’ve only known one thing your whole life. But I can not forget, so we can not be friends.

Same goes for girl friends. I can only think of one (very notable) exception where I still currently maintain a friendship with someone who hurt me. And it took years and tragedy and a lot of painfully honest conversations for us to build our friendship back. But it’s not the same friendship we had before because neither of us can forget the other’s actions. Instead, we’ve managed to move past them and, I would say, have built a stronger, more honest friendship in spite of past hurts. But like I said, she is the notable exception. Mainly I suppose its an unwillingness on my part to do the work required to repair a friendship that I feel has been broken unless I feel that the other party is equally willing to acknowledge the damage and work to rebuild. And that one time, with that one friend with whom I did rebuild? That shit was HARD! I’m glad I did it to be sure… But it took a lot of time and effort on both of our parts. So I guess it’s easier for me to just let people fade from my life after I’ve been hurt by them. Because while I can forgive, say abandoning me in the toughest, nastiest period of my life (because I didn’t specifically reach out to them) now that I’m on the other side I no longer feel the same about them. I could list millions of examples but I don’t want this to become something where people are reading it and wondering if I’m sending them veiled messages (if you think that – trust me I’m not) but I think I’ve made my point.

Unfortunately, even though I can forgive a multitude of things because I understand the other side (really, I do) I can not forget the way I feel or felt about it and so, we can not be friends. Always forgive because holding on to anger and hate only hurts you more. But never forget, because who is looking out for you if not yourself. Burn me once, right?


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. - done
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Just for the record, I’m REALLY looking forward to getting through the first 10 days... This is a little more “truth” than I was planning on! Anywho. Onward and upward.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself (or let myself off the hook a little) for all the terrible decisions I’ve made over the last four years that have contributed, directly or indirectly, to the state my life is in at the moment. (read: life sucks and its my own damn fault) Even though I made the decisions I made, and fully believed they were the right choices at the time, I can’t keep kicking myself for how things turned out. I’m starting to feel like I have a little grey thundercloud over my head like Eeyore.

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

Bad decision #1 – I’ve known, probably since somewhere around the one year mark, that I wanted to be TheBoy’s wife. I can’t believe that I met someone that I can be 100% honest with, be exactly myself and no more, who is my best friend, whose company I never tire of. And so, in my typical girl way, I figured we should get married and live happily ever after. TheBoy, on the other hand, I’m still not sure he wants to be married to ME even now, two and a half years after our wedding. The terrible secret is that, even after we discussed getting married, after we had bought our house, even after he bought the damn ring that I picked out and added to his shopping cart and proposed (reluctantly?) in the kitchen of said new house, I KNEW he didn’t want to go through with it.

But.

But I kind of ignored what I knew he wanted and went forward with planning our (ultimately disastrous) wedding and (absolutely perfect) honeymoon. Because I was afraid to tell our family and friends… what? That after 6 years TheBoy STILL wasn’t ready to marry me? That he’d changed his mind? I was afraid what it would mean if I called off our engagement. Should I stop wearing my ring? Would I leave him? How could I stay? What would we do with the house we had just bought? Who would move out? If it was me, where would I go? All of those painful questions were running through my head in an incessant loop and all I could think was, but I love him! I suppose I thought I could love him enough to get us through it and once it was over he’d see how wonderful being married to me would be. I promised myself I’d be the perfect wife and that’d I’d work to make him happy every day. I swore he wouldn’t regret making me his wife.

Bad decision #2 – I suppose in terms of the timeline, this was actually bad decision #1 but whatever, this is my blog and I’ll do what I want to. Even with knowing TheBoy didn’t want to marry me, the one thing I knew he DID want was to own a house. I also knew he wasn’t really in a position to buy without me, personally or financially, and I was firm on the fact I would never own a home with someone I wasn’t married to. I also wasn’t prepared to just move in with him in a home he bought with his mother, and he wasn’t prepared to live with me in a home I bought by myself. So for years we rented and waited, occasionally discussing it, sometimes going to open houses “just to see”.

When the talk finally turned to marriage we made a deal. I’d help us buy a house, together, even before we were engaged, on the assumption that we would BE engaged by the end of the year. This conversation happened in June and we closed escrow on our house in August. We got engaged in September. But you guys know what? I think that house was cursed for us. We were never happy there, not really. I think once it was done and we moved in TheBoy thought the house was insufficient trade off for having to get married. And then we started having issues with our neighborhood. First someone hopped the back fence and stole some tools out of the shed on the side of the house. Then someone came back and broke in to the house proper, stealing the entire safe, all of my jewelry (with the exception of my engagement ring which I was wearing and a necklace my mother made for me when I graduated High School which thankfully was over looked on my nightstand), and the last bit of joy we had in that home. It was maybe six weeks before our wedding.

So, pretty much the second we got back from our wedding I started looking in to selling the house. But the market had gone down and our house that we had purchased less than a year before was now worth $100,000 less than we paid for it. So we waited and thought about making the best of a bad situation. Then our house was vandalized AGAIN while we were gone on our honeymoon so we started talking about selling even MORE earnestly. By then the house was worth $150,000 less, then $200,000 less, then it was worth less than half what we paid for it. This isn’t a unique story I know but there is nothing worse than meeting with a real estate financial planner and being told that it would most likely be a decade before the house was even back up to close to what we paid. A decade?!?! The rest is history, tried to short sale the house, bank wouldn’t agree to either of the offers we presented (we had something like 14 offers total), foreclosure auction before Christmas and finally, moving to a new home, a rental.

But in the back of my mind I can’t help but thinking that all of this, the unhappiness, the financial ruin, the stress, the fights, the tears, ALL of it is my fault. Because I just HAD to get married. You know? And the worst part is that even now, knowing how it all ends, I LOVE being married to TheBoy. I’m proud to be his wife, to share his name, to belong to his family. Too bad I mostly feel like I’m married alone. Turns out there isn’t much happiness in that and its all my fault.


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. - done
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. - done
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Wow. Okay so I think it says something about me that writing about something I love about myself is SO MUCH HARDER than writing about something I hate… Hmm. I’m going to channel my inner Scarlett O’Hara and not think about that right now. I’ll think about it tomorrow!

So anyway, what do I love about myself? I guess I love that I’m normally a positive, upbeat kind of gal. Almost annoyingly so I think. But I do work rather hard to be that way… It is why I don’t watch horror movies or listen to Emo “woe is me” music. I prefer to surround myself with positive people and energy and things that make me happy. Life’s too short and all that right? Plus I always want to be a positive, happy influence in the lives of my friends and family. I’m loyal to a fault and while I don’t have many friends, I’m pretty damn determined to keep the ones I’ve got and who wants to hang out with the girl with the blues all the time?

I also like that I’ve managed to build a life for myself built on honesty because it wasn’t always so. As a kid I struggled with really, REALLY wanting to be liked (changing schools and friends every two years is stressful!) so I would err… “embellish” the details somewhat to make myself seem more interesting. To be honest I can’t even really remember why I did it. I DO recall the moment I finally decided to stop lying about things and started trying to figure out who/what I really am and wanted to be. Unfortunately it also coincided with leaving behind a huge portion of my past life because I realized that most of the reason I was so miserable all the time is because I was trying to make myself be something I just can not be. It was hard, and sad, but I’m proud of myself for learning to be honest with myself. It has helped me learn to be honest with everyone in my life. Now if I feel the need to lie about something, I really try and figure out what it is about that situation or that person that’s prompting me to feel like I can’t be honest and figure out a way to change it.


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. – done.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. – done.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

So I initially read about this 30 Days of Truth meme thing back in November and I remember thinking that 30 days of honest blogging would coincide nicely with 30 days in November and NaBloPoMo. Alas, life had other things in mind for me to spend my every waking second stressing over in November (and December… and the first half of January…) so this had to wait. But I still want to do it so here goes! The full list is at the bottom in case you want to play along.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well they certainly start this off with a bang don’t they? To be honest (since that is, after all, the point) Day 1 almost derailed me from doing this whole thing because… well, I kind of hate EVERYTHING about myself. I don’t mean that in the “poor me” way but in a legitimate “if I could change my entire personality and demeanor I might” way. I hate my laugh, how loud I am, the way my mouth operates faster than my brain and I almost always instantly regret anything that I say out loud, the way I talk incessantly… Frankly, I would be hard pressed to be my own friend and I still am kind of awed by all the people in my life who DO stick around and offer me friendship.

But! Then I slowed down and noticed the object was to write about “something” I hate about myself – singular – which didn’t seem nearly as daunting (or depressing). So when I whittle down the list of things I really hate about myself the thing that pops to the top of the list is that I hate, hate, HATE that I am completely unable to self-motivate. It is SO frustrating to me that I can be completely miserable about any number of aspects of my life and yet nothing seems to spur me on to actually change anything.

For example, losing weight and getting in to shape. Y’all. I can literally not stand to see myself naked. Even when I am home alone and there is no chance TheHusband will see me, I still remain fully clothed until the last possible second when I have to get in the shower and I wrap myself up in a towel and robe the second I get out so that I won’t have to see how fat and disgusting I look in the mirror while I do my hair and/or make-up. Seriously. I completely gross myself out. And yet? That alone does not seem to be enough to motivate me to actually do anything about it. I mean, I’m working out with a trainer and have been for almost two months. You know how much weight I’ve lost? ZERO POUNDS!! I mean come on here! And every time we weigh in and the trainer expresses her disbelief that I have yet to lose a single freaking pound I know exactly why I haven’t lost but I STILL don’t change. I know I need to change the way I eat. I know I need to get more cardio. I know I need to get back into a regular yoga practice instead of this haphazard, sporadic one I’ve got going on now. I know all these things. And I know that if I’m not going to commit to this 100% that I’m basically just throwing money away every month that we can’t afford to waste. But none of those things motivates me to change.

Or, how about the job situation? It is no secret that I hate what I do for a living. I love my boss, I love (most of) my co-workers, I have great hours, work from home on Fridays and I’m really, really good at what I do. But I still hate it. When I was a little girl I never in a million years would have thought I’d end up stuck in a corporate dead end job, helping the rich get richer, and with very little (if not zero) sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Not to sound like a crazy hippie liberal here but I thought I was going to do something worthwhile, make a difference, help people. I thought I’d work for myself, or at least work for a small company where everyone knows each other like family. I thought I’d feel like I was really helping people who needed it – that I’d have something to offer! Instead every day I feel like I am just wasting time, waiting for the financial situation on the home front to improve so I don’t have to stay in this job just because we need to money. I HATE feeling like I’m wasting my life! I’m much more of a “seize the moment because you can’t ever get it back” type of girl and this? This being stuck and not being able to find a way out? But I’m completely unmotivated to find a new job. Because everything I think I might like to do either a) doesn’t make enough money for me/us to live on here in the Bay Area, or b) would require further education on my part that costs a boat load of money that we don’t have, or c) some combination of both a and b. And when I start thinking about it I just get depressed and even more unmotivated!


*****


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself. - Done
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Baby, Hold On*

Hey, it might never be the same
We might never live those days gone by
But we can try

I think I get stuck on “the way things were” or “the good old days” and you know what I’ve discovered? The way things were wasn’t necessarily that great. It’s just that those days were better than the more recent days. The grass IS always greener after all I guess.

Good morning
Let's kick the babies out of bed
How bout you and me instead hanging on
Not up and gone

Okay no babies… But for the record I would kick TheCat out of bed in favor of more snuggling time with you. You know how much I love to snuggle! And in my defense, I think part of the reason we feel so estranged from each other is because of the lack of intimacy in our relationship. You just can’t fake those kinds of feelings – no matter how much I wish I could.

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

Can we start over? Probably not. Too many years of history there. But we could act like we’re starting over, try a little harder to make each other smile, do little things to let the other know we care. I really believe its not too late for us – that this doesn’t have to be the end. I feel like we have our entire lives ahead of us and all we need to do is spend more time turning to each other for strength and comfort and less time filling that void with other people and things. Will you hold on to me?

Baby, it's good to see you smile again
I know we can't escape
So let's pretend
We're someplace else

No doubt things are hard right now. These definitely feel like burdens above and beyond what I can bear. Maybe we need to just forgive ourselves and each other for things that are ultimately out of our control. All marriages suffer strain… Let’s get away – you and me – even if its no farther than the backyard. Enjoy the moments as they come and save the stress for tomorrow. We can handle anything if we stand together.

It's a new day
Let's look at all we've got
It's everything we thought
We ever wanted
It's beautiful

Believe it or not, but this life that we’re living right now? This is exactly the life I thought I wanted a few years ago. What woman wouldn’t want to be married to her best friend? And how many years had I been working on you to move out of the Bay Area because the crowds and traffic and noise make me crazy? How much did I love our house when we first moved in? It felt like infinite possibilities – the whole world was at my doorstep!

How could I have known that all of these things would eventually make me miserable? When did they stop being beautiful and start being burdens?

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

But we still have each other. Maybe that’s what we need? To get back to basics and just have it be you and me against the world? Just like it used to be… Back when I would rather be with you than anyone else in the world – and you with me. Back when our house was constantly filled with love and laughter and friends and good times. Back before the silence and the anger and the hurt feelings and the tears. Lets move past all that - lets hold on to the one thing we know is right – each other.

I look across the room and catch you staring at me
And see the love we almost left behind
So lead me by the hand and let's make up
Let's make up for lost time

Do you love me? Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with me? Do I make you happy? The answer to all those questions for me is yes. But it is a cautious and quiet yes because I can’t tell how you feel. I am afraid to be rejected, to look across the room and see nothing (or worse) in your eyes. You have to make the first move here. I promise I’ll meet you half way, hell I’ll meet you 75% of the way. But the first step has to be yours. Take me by the hand?

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on

Do you see what I see? Can we move past the past and concentrate on the future? Forgive and forget? I don’t know if it is possible, but it is definitely impossible without you on board also. We can start over, build our life together starting now, its not too late, we’re not too old.

Hey, it might never be the same
We might never live those days gone by
But we can try


*Dixie Chicks - Taking the Long Way - Baby Hold On

Thank GOD that it's Friday!

Y'all. Yesterday was THE most frustrating & crazy day! Yet somehow I managed to keep my sense of humor. Which is shocking as I haven't slept well in weeks* & am on the verge of a two-year-old still hissy fit pretty much constantly. In fact, said non-sleeping is the likely cause of yesterday's craziness.

First, I drove all the way in to work in the morning (an hour & a half) only to realize I had left my work laptop at home. %&$#! So then I drove all the way back home (another hour & a half) to get it. When I got there (having spent a whopping 3 hours in the car and accomplished exactly nothing) I thought I'd go in and make myself some soup for lunch before trekking back. While my soup was heating I thought I should log in to my email from home just to make sure there were no fires to put out. THEN I thought I should change out of my work slacks and into jeans in order to keep them relatively cat hair free since the cat, for whatever reason, LOVES to sleep in the office chair.

One thing led to another and I get carried away sending emails and working on stuff in my inbox that all of a sudden I realize its been well over an hour and I need to get back to the office! So I shut down my computer, lug it out to the car (I was NOT going to forget it a 2nd time) and start making my way over to Palo Alto (another hour and a half). When I get to the office I realize that a) I am still wearing jeans and flip flops since my slacks and heels are draped over the foot board to keep the cat hair off and b) the soup I was making myself for lunch was still sitting on the kitchen counter, totally untouched.

%$@#!!

Oh, and those jeans I ended up wearing to my super stuffy and conservative office? Of course they weren't a cute, somewhat trendy pair... Oh no... These were my hole-y, frayed edges, only good for housework jeans. Super!

*Slept last night though - 7 whole blissful, uninterrupted hours! Thank the baby Jesus!

Insomnia

Good grief people - it has been 5 nights since my last solid, uninterrupted 6 hour stretch of sleep. Glorious sleep. I have managed in the last few mights to grab a moment or two of rest however I've also been having strange, complex dreams involving people I know, people I don't know, and once, interestingly enough, a person who I am pretty sure was an amalgamation of two different people. And y'all I remember these dreams, sometimes in their entirety! That can't be good.

But! At least I've managed to bypass the stage I was in a few days ago where I alternately wanted to cry incessantly or pitch a full on two-year-old style hissy fit. I might have even seriously considered homicide. It would have been completely deserved and I am pretty sure I could have gotten away with it except 1) I remembered just in time that the victim has a couple young kids and the idea of robbing them of their (cowardly, sniveling, annoying as hell) father brought me back to momentary sanity and 2) I like orange but I'm not necessarily sure head to toe orange would be a good look for me as I'm only 5'2" (on a good day, after yoga, when I've slept, and been to the chiropractor). Nothing says oompa loompa like an orange midget, I'm just saying.

Manipulative Advertising

*****Just so you know, if anyone is reading this, I'm feeling particularly rant-y today. Two nights of minimal sleep will do that to a girl.*****

Has anyone else noticed this fairly recent trend in advertising that is designed to make you feel absolutely terrible and then go out and support whatever product they are selling you? Its like radio ads or commercials with a side of guilt trip! WTF people?

In California there is this new radio ad that makes me so mad I have to switch stations every time it comes on lest it spark some road rage action on my part. Its basically this mom talking about how her sons were so happy and each loved their brother but then one gets into a car accident and dies so she has to go wake up the other one in the middle of the night to tell him that his much loved brother is dead. I believe the point of this commercial is to get parents to sign their kids up for a teen driving class but I really don't know because I can never seem to listen to the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, its tragic when a teenager dies, but I don't think we should be guilt tripping other parents into paying money for a class because they are freaked out their kid might die in an auto crash... Maybe its just me.

Oh! And that commercial for the ASPCA that features Sarah McLachlan singing "arms of the angels" and shows a bunch of sad/tortured puppy faces? Really? Animal cruelty is a big issue and while I agree there is a special place in hell for folks that abuse helpless animals I do not appreciate the ASPCA capitalizing on my tender heart strings with the aim of raising money. Maybe its a head in the sand thing? Nothing is worse than watching a football game at the bar with some friends only to have half the room crying when this commercial comes on. Also, TheBoy would REALLY appreciate never seeing this commercial again because every time it comes on I renew my push for a dog.

Or what about that new one for some big gas company that is supposedly your car talking about all the things it does for you and how you shouldn't "repay" its kindness with cheap supermarket or discount club gas? I'm sorry but just this morning I heard a story on the news about how oil and gas companies are continuing to post record profits, even while the rest of the nation is in a recession! Do they NEED more money? Enough to justify this kind of marketing? Because I could use a few extra dollars and so I put the cheap gas in my car and I don't feel guilty. I doubt my car wants to make me feel bad for using supermarket gas and not one with Techron or whatever gimmick they've got these days.

Maybe I'm just becoming cynical in my old age? I feel like every time I see a new commercial or hear a new spot on the radio I can totally see right through the message and I hate feeling manipulated! In fact, generally I feel like stamping my feet and doing the exact opposite of whatever the ad is trying to get me to do just out of spite!

Maybe I just need more sleep.

Questions

I think I've written here before (but am too lazy to go searching the archives for) about how I'm going through a bit of a crisis of faith. As the child of divorced parents I spent half my formative years attending sporadic Methodist services in the various places we lived with my mom and the other half completely engulfed in the male half of my genetic make-up's very southern, very Pentecostal church life. I can't imagine it being any more confusing than that... except perhaps if my mom had been atheist.

Picture me, aged somewhere in the middle school years, having gone to maybe three church services in the entire school year only to be shipped off to spend the summer with my father who went to church not only on Sunday mornings, but Sunday and Wednesday evenings as well. We spent most of our Saturdays at the church, or at some church member's home, or at a park having a picnic with yet more church people. I won't lie y'all I LOVED it. In fact, I would say that the social aspect of church is still the one thing I miss more than anything.

In Jr. High I went to a private Christian school and promptly joined the youth group of the church affiliated with my school. I remained a fairly active member through out high school despite increasingly feeling uncomfortable with the actions and ideals of the church and its members. I haven't regularly attended church services since I graduated High School and by "not regularly" I mean pretty much not at all. Suffice it to say that I've done quite a bit of growing up over the last 13 years or so and I've really struggled with the ideals and things I was told were right as a child and with the things that my grown-up self feel are right.

I've spent the last couple years studying other religions that interested me, not with the thought of converting to anything different but more to see if I could find a religion out there that I could feel at peace with. I've studied a little bit of Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism and even stuff like Rastafari. The combined effect being a little confusing but at the same time comforting. I love different aspects of each of these religions and there are so many similarities of message among them that I can strive towards in my own life.

I love the compassion of Buddhism - the thought that all life is precious and that through right action you can achieve peace. I love similar things about Hinduism and also that no religion teaches the only way to salvation above all others. That directly goes against everything I ever learned in church about belief in Jesus being the only way to salvation. I like the Jewish idea that ones actions are more important in their relationship with God than their beliefs. I always struggled with the notion of confessing sins, being forgiven and then going right back out and committing those same sins all over again knowing you could just confess again and be right back at square one. I love the sheer optimism and positive message of Rastafari. But I have questions...

So... what if there is only the one God? That regardless of whether we call him God, Allah, Yahweh, Bhagwan or even Jah, we're all talking about, praying to and believing in the same higher power? And if that is true then really aren't all religions the same religion just with various cultural and regional beliefs, morals and social mores superimposed onto it? Meaning that in your religion something is considered wrong not necessarily because it IS wrong (I think we can all agree that some things are sins regardless of your belief, or not, in God) but because it is/was socially frowned upon?

And, bear with me here on this hypothetical ride, if we are all God's children (and most religions do have this theme of God being the father figure) then couldn't we argue that Jesus was the son of God in just the same way that I am a daughter of God? No doubt the man was a prophet and a teacher, and a magnificently charismatic one at that - with his message of love and acceptance and do no wrong. But why can there have been only one? And why would God chose to send a son to save only members of one religion (following the thought that all Gods are the same God so all religions are essentially the same)? Why aren't other religion's prophets respected in the same way and their teachings given equal weight?

I know there can inherently be no right or wrong answer to these questions... But it is interesting to think about and study. I just wish it wasn't such a taboo subject to discuss so that instead of having this constant stream of thought and questioning going on in my own head I could discuss it with others. But I've never witnessed a truly "friendly" intellectual discussion of religion that did not at some point result in hard feelings and insults for the ways in which individual beliefs differ. Maybe that is the ultimate goal of religion, to help all of us to learn to love each other for our differences and know that we can all co-exist harmoniously in the world God created for us, his children - ALL his children.

Okay - if anyone is still reading at this point and hasn't become so offended as to delete me from their reading list all together - I feel like I should clarify something. I DO believe in God. I have felt his presence and his love for me all my life. I see God in the beauty of nature when I'm outdoors, I see him in the actions of every day people and I see his influence in the way I live my life. I believe in doing good unto others and in love and in compassion. I thank God for many things, including the inspiration he gives to doctors and scientists and artists and all sorts of talented individuals who make this world a better place. I do NOT believe that God is concerned with the petty things modern religion makes important and I do NOT think that he would be overly pleased with all of the anger and violence in the world that is attributed to his name.

Catching up

OMG you guys - my last post was March 9th?!!?! So much for that New Year's Resolution about blogging more! Whoops.

*****

So what have I been up to in the last 4 months?

A little bit of this:

Not enough of this:

Or this: WAY too much of this:


A little of this:

Craziness people, pure craziness.

**none of these photos are of me or anyone I know - thank you google images.

Running on empty, running blind*

~Today is a good day. I woke up this morning feeling more like "me" than I have in ages, maybe even years. I try not to ask to many questions when the good days come but just let myself go and enjoy them but this time I can't help but note the coincidence (or not) that I got to spend some quality time with some great friends and their two adorable kids last night. There is something about the way a two (and a half!) year old snuggles into your lap and then leans in for a kiss that melts your heart. And that new baby smell? Amazing! I may not want kids for myself but man if I don't love borrowing them for a bit. Instant peace of mind.

~Yesterday I got up, got dressed for work, had breakfast and drove all the way into my office (a good hour and a half drive), parked in the garage, walked in and sat down at my desk... only to realize that I had left my laptop at home! Y'all I almost pitched a full on hissy fit right there at my desk... You can imagine all the not-appropriate-for-work words that were running through my head. But! It all turned out okay in the end since I ended up working from home again yesterday I got to see Angie and family on their way into to town for the week. Silver lining? Making lemonade out of lemons? Maybe. I did make lemonade though... :D

~The funny thing about opening yourself up to learning things about life from your day to day experiences is that you tend to pay more attention to what is going on around you. On Sunday I was sitting in my favorite low-key sports bar in my hometown trying to convince one of the bartenders to put the Oscars on (no cable remember?). Eventually I wore him down but in the meantime I was watching the Celtics basketball game (desperate times - I do NOT love basketball) and trying not to look like I was obviously eavesdropping on the group of guys sitting a few bar stools down. Turns out that after a few beers boys are just as bad as girls at disecting their past relationships and giving each other advice on the opposite sex. It was HILARIOUS, yet informative! I only wish I had a girlfriend there to appreciate it with me.

~On the marriage front, I think I had a major break through about why I feel so hurt and angry all the time. Now I need to find a way to discuss it with TheBoy without causing a massive argument. Really I just feel better just having recognized a root issue as opposed to just reacting (and over-reacting) to my emotions which is not really helping the situation at all. Maybe I won't have to bring it up to him at all, maybe I'll feel better just recognizing the issue within myself. Maybe? This self help stuff isn't as easy as it sounded y'all.

*The title of this post has nothing to do whatsoever with the content of this post... I just heard this Jackson Browne song on the radio this morning during my commute and it is now stuck in my head on a constant replay loop.

Freak coincidence? Or the Universe is messing with me.

I love The Daily Om. Really. Its just a little piece of the interwebs that is all positive and nurturing and encouraging, which is rare I think in the mix of news sites and gossip pages and so on. I forget who turned me on to it... Maybe my sister-in-law Kari? Anywho, I get their daily horoscope emails every day and while I'm not generally excited about horoscopes, these emails tend to be more about things to think on during the day than winning lotto numbers if you know what I mean.

Today's e-mail (or rather yesterdays but it came in late last night so I read it this morning) had this to say:

Vulnerable Strength
You may crave a closer connection with others today. At the same time, you may feel nervous about opening up to others because you are uncertain as to how they will react. You should not let this dissuade you from baring your soul to the people you care about. If you want to create more intimacy in your relationships, you will need to be able to express your vulnerability. Your loved ones will likely be honored that you trusted them enough to let them witness your vulnerable side. You may find that your willingness to trust them allows them to place their trust in you also. If you can let others see you as you are today, stronger relationship bonds will be your reward.

Now. This is either a crazy coincidence or somewhere, someone is messing with me because I have had this EXACT ISSUE weighing on my mind and heart these last few days. I feel like I am almost desperate for the connection of a close friend but find myself sadly lacking in that department due to distance, geographical or emotional. I've always had a fairly large group of friends, not always the same friends mind you, but I generally tend to run in a pack. I am comfortable when I have a handfull of folks I can call at any given moment to share a story, a cocktail or weekend plans. Now I have none - and it is MY OWN DAMN FAULT!

The past two or three years have been extremely trying for me with the moving to a new town and the getting married and the quitting my job and then finding another one I loved and then having to leave and come back to my old job. I know that isn't an excuse. I KNOW it isn't. But I'm a fairly private person and I HATE people feeling sory for me. Its not like I am looking for answers or anything so I generally prefer to keep my private life, well... private. However, the last nine months or so (beginning I guess in July of last year) have been at best the hardest/saddest/scariest nine months of my life and at worst have made me really wonder whether any of this is worth it and if I even have the strength. Its been dark, dark times.

Owing to the fact that I like to keep my private stuff private (and in connection with factors otherwise innocuous) I really withdrew from my friends and family in order to deal with the issues at hand. I've avoided social situations, stopped phoning or emailing people, missed out on major events and... basically just been a really terrible friend. But the worst part is that its not that I've stopped caring about anyone or that I love them less or want to be in their lives any less. Its more that I don't know what to do when the conversation inevitably comes around to how I'm doing. I love hearing how YOU are doing but I don't want to talk about me. Does that make any sense?

Also, combine that with the fact that I have what could possibly be the world's worst poker face in existance and you have me with tears welling up in my eyes at any random moment. Remember when I said I hated people feeling sorry for me up there a few paragrpahs ago? Yeah. Too bad pity is the number one response when someone notices tears. So the only thing I could think to do was hide. And hide I did.

But.

Okay, its not like things are all of a sudden magically BETTER or anything but I have developed a calmer, more positive outlook on my life and I'm really working on making the changes I can and letting the rest go. I'm trying. And I feel better most days - really. But how do you call up a friend you've been basically avoiding for the better part of a year and pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary? Or more important why would these people even take my call? I'd like to think that I would give someone the benefit of the doubt if the situation were reversed but would I really? Who knows. This is exactly the kind of thinking that paralyzes me into inactivity. I don't call because I'm afraid it'll be awkward since I haven't called. Catch-22.

Missing Facebook

You know what the worst part of giving up Facebook for Lent is? Its seeing no less than three (3!) perfectly fabulous, country-fried, straight out of the trailer park mullets this weekend at the Monster Truck Jam and not being able to snap blurry, dark photos with my camera phone and upload them to Facebook with witty (or snarky - fine) commentary to share! SO! HARD! Actually, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that giving up Facebook for Lent has been WAY harder than my other Lenten sacrifice, which was to give up eating meat on weekdays. It might even be harder than the year I gave up beer... Well, maybe.

The main reason I gave up FB for Lent was to give myself time away from that collossal time suck and focus more on the other things I want to be doing but can't seem to find time for. Sadly, even though I haven't logged in to FB in 13 days I haven't magically come up with tons of extra hours in my day. Some, to be sure, but not as much as I'd would have liked... Probably because I haven't given up playing sodoku on my phone or obsessively checking email.

BUT! I did finally read a book I've been wanting to read for ages (in fact, I've started re-reading it!) AND I finally started in on my project to read the bible (in its entirety) in a year. So I've made some use of my free, non-FB time anyway. I guess I just had visions of having all this extra time to exercise and read and study and write and blog... But just giving up FB isn't enough - I need to find some motivation too!

So we'll see whether or not this little experiment will work, I know I'm awfully sad to miss out on all the (apparently) cute and funny pictures people have been posting, and I miss seeing the little updates of friends and family that I don't get to see that often... But really, how much time can a grown woman with a full-time job, a heinous commute, a marriage that needs work, a part-time yoga study and a fairly healthy reading habit spend on social networking?!

Grace Happens

The church I belonged to as a teen-ager at one time gave out bumper stickers with the simple phrase “Grace Happens” on them. I forget now what the occasion or event was that triggered this slogan, only that several people had them pasted not only on cars but on office doors, home windows and notebooks. I had mine stuck to the white dresser which occupied my childhood bedroom. Over the years that saying has come back, unbidden to my mind several times in various situations. It has become a bit of a mantra for me – “Grace Happens”.

In the last year or so I’ve been studying Buddhism as part of my yoga experience. It began with a desire to learn more about the sense of peace I feel from my yoga instructors and those who live the yoga lifestyle (and attempt to capture for myself). It has gone quite a bit further than that now, including an ultimate desire to share what I’ve learned with others and go deeper into my yoga practice as an instructor. But that’s all for “some day”, that mythical day we all seem to be waiting for when finances will be as such that I can afford not only the advanced study but also the decrease in my earnings.

It has been interesting to compare the ideals and beliefs of my Christian upbringing with those of Buddhism. Surprisingly (to me, perhaps not to you) they are quite similar, if you subtract most of the radical intolerance (which I do) as being more about various churches and religious organizations and less about being “Christian” in the original sense of the word. In fact, it has been comforting to me and has renewed my interest in studying my own religion again. It has given me back my faith (or at least my faith in faith), and for that I am exceedingly thankful.

One of the main things that yoga has taught me is that grace is more than balancing beautifully on one foot or transitioning from pose to pose effortlessly. Grace is the way we move through the world, interacting with our loved ones. Grace is the way we interact with those we DON’T particularly love also and how we act when there is no one to judge us. It's the way we accept the world as it appears before us, and acknowledge our power to step in and create change, or to sit calmly by and take what comes. It’s the ability to find happiness in the little things, to find beauty in our world no matter how dark and dreary it looks from the outside.

I am resurrecting my old mantra and am being mindful to practice grace as much as possible - remembering to breathe in, breathe out. It is harder than I thought it would be, but I feel a sense of happiness and serenity in it that has been missing from my life almost entirely in the past couple of years. I wish I still had that plain white bumper sticker with its bright blue lettering – Grace Happens.

Use or Lose

Okay so I'm not doing very well with this whole blogging every day for a month thing... Maybe December isn't the best month for it given all the family functions and work parties and happy hours and baking/cooking/eating? Well either way, I'm glad I at least attempted something like this because it has reminded me how much I love not only writing, but sharing that writing! I have an entire little notepad filled with blog ideas and half a dozen unfinished posts in the works so while I'm maybe not the most consistent blogger, at least you can expect to see something new here occasionally.

This morning on the drive in to work I started thinking about the major office topic of conversation right now which is what to do with the unused PTO people have accrued. While this doesn't affect me (still being a temp and all - but hopefully not for long!) it has been heavily debated amongst my girlfriends and co-workers. Apparently the bank has mandated that team members may only carry over 5 PTO days into 2010. This has sort of always been the unspoken rule in my business line but I gather its been loosely enforced in theirs. You can imagine the panic of people when they realize that there aren't enough days left in the year for them to use up their PTO, even if they took every day off until the end of the year! (This announcement actually came out mid-October and there STILL weren't enough work days in 2009 for some.)

This got me thinking about how, as a child when my mom worked for the VA or the Army, she would get regular leave/PTO and then something exciting called "use or lose" leave. Now, I LOVED use or lose leave y'all. It resulted in many last-minute trips out of town and as a child I absolutely ADORED going anywhere that required a hotel room and a long drive, or better yet an airplane ride! As an adult I can see both the benefits and the drawback to such a system. On one hand it forces you to take time away from work for rejuvenation (absolutely essential in my book) but on the other if things at work are such that you can't just pick up and leave before that time expires well... that kind of sucks right?

But what an interesting concept - use or lose. No one wants to "lose" something, but maybe it takes the threat of loss to make us value it? What if we had use or lose time with our friends and family? Wouldn't most of us make a more concerted effort to connect? What about all those things you are saving for a rainy day... what if the rainy day never comes? Or if it does finally come and those things aren't there anymore?

On TheBoy's and my first anniversary he took me wine tasting in Napa. Keep in mind that prior to dating TheBoy, my experience with wine was limited to a handful of wine coolers filched from my mom's fridge or that Wild Vines crap that used to be so popular (half juice, half wine, full hangover!) so wine tasting for me back then was the most exciting and romantic thing I could think of to do. At one of the wineries we visited I absolutely LOVED this the one bottle of wine. A $70 bottle of wine no less. After much deliberation I purchased one bottle of the stuff thinking we would save it and drink it when we got engaged, to celebrate. Needless to say, my novice wine storing techniques were far from perfect and that bottle never made it. I dumped it down the drain one night, blinking back tears, thinking it was an ill omen for my relationship.

Oh the melodrama! But I'm a different gal now... I am no longer saving things "for a special occasion" because every day is a special occasion! If I want to drink champagne or that great bottle of wine we just bought I'm doing it! With friends, at home with the hubby, hell, even by myself, if I'm alive and healthy and happy then its a special occasion so I say celebrate! For YEARS I've been packing around all these fancy Christmas-y candles that I would put out on display but never burn, but not this year baby! I used to look in my closet and think "that outfit is too dressy for x" or "those shoes are really more for summer" but now, screw it, it I want to wear a silk dress or pink sandals with flowers on them in the middle of winter who cares? I might freeze to death, but I'll look cute and feel great doing it!

So what do you think? Anyone want to start burning the fancy candles, drink out of the crystal glasses or eat off the fancy china just because? Do we think we can make our relationships a higher priority? I'm challenging myself, and you I suppose, to let no opportunity go un-experienced, leave nothing unsaid between you and your loved ones, drink the champagne, spend time studying things that interest you, wear the cute shoes (weather be damned!) and be grateful for everything you have. Every day.

Random

~I think if I actually knew half of the stuff I thought I knew when I was 18 or 20 that I'd be some sort of freaking genius. Also, I'm glad it turned out that my mom actually DOES know more than me... Go figure.

~I am already sick to death of winter. It even SNOWED at our house the last two nights! Californians can't drive very well in the rain so you can imagine how much fun the commuting has been in the snow. Joy! Seriously, if I wanted to wake up to the snow every day I'd move to Colorado. Its cheaper.

~I've been thinking alot about friendship lately, how it evolves and changes and so on. Its been good actually because instead of being sad about the way things are, I've started really appreciating the things that I did have when I had them and taking care to really enjoy my time with friends now.

~While I am most definitely in the Christmas spirit this holiday season, I am NOT looking forward to the actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day festivities. Its SO stressful to have to drive all over creation to spend a few hours with different parts of the family. No one ever feels like we've stayed long enough! TheBoy and I kill ourselves getting up early and staying out late and trying to have a little time with everyone so much so that we never just get to enjoy Christmas ourselves. One year I'm going to stage a boycott and go out of town! But until then, TheBoy and I are just going to celebrate a little late.

~Speaking of TheBoy, things between us have been really great for the last week or so (as I frantically realize there is NO wood to knock on in my entire cubicle!) and I'm really loving just getting back to being... simple.

~Work is insane. Seriously. Its amazing how much of the day to day hustle I had forgotten about in my 9 months away from this industry. I need a nap. Thank GOD for working from home on Fridays!

~Its a good life y'all!

Reconciling Life

This weekend I spent some time going through my various notebooks and journals from 2009 and I noticed one common theme running through the entries... I have been struggling to reconcile the life I want to be living with the one I am actually living. Spurred by this revelation into myself I decided to dig out my journals and notebooks from 2007 and 2008 and, not surprisingly, the same exact theme was running through those pages also!

How does one reconcile the life they are living to the one the want to be living?

This morning on the way to work (as I was driving through SNOW over the pass... SNOW! In the Bay Area!) it occured to me that I am not the same person I was two and a half years ago. In fact, I hardly even recognize the girl I was then. I think I can even pinpoint when the change happened. Perhaps not the exact moment, or even the exact day, but I know what it was that forever pushed me into changing the person I had become. What happened then motivated me to change, for better or for worse... And looking back I don't regret what happened because it pushed me to learn, to grow, to accept myself as I am.

But.

Until two and a half years ago my life was pretty constant. I had the same friends I'd had for years, the same job, the same boyfriend... I had been living and working and playing in the same towns since High School. I was dealing with the same issues, the same stereotypes, the same history, the same problems. I had become someone who held all of my personal feelings and emotions bottled up for fear of going against the crowd, for fear of standing alone, for fear of hurting anyone.

I was afraid that if people knew the real me they wouldn't like me and, you know, that actually ended up being true... It has been sad and frustrating and lonely acknowledging that. But at the same time, in the last couple of years I've actually met a few people who DO like the real me. I'm more comfortable in my skin, more in control of my life, I'm happier, more peaceful, stronger. But I'm STILL having a hard time reconciling my life as it currently sits to the life I've invisioned for myself. Maybe this is what life is about? The struggle to create the life you want out of the stuff you've been given?