Evacuated

This building is across the street from my office. News story here: http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_183100825.html

I could smell the smoke as I entered the downtown area and while I saw the fire and police vehicles blocking off the street I couldn't figure out what exactly was going on until I parked my car and walked towards my building. The building across the street (which housed a Walgreens among other things) looks like a bomb has gone off in it. At some point this afternoon the roof caved in and they have evacuated all local business through Wednesday at the earliest including yours truly just in case the whole building collapses. So I guess I'll be working from home / squatting at other offices or a Kinko's in order to get my job done for the next few days. Fun!

This and That

You know? I don’t know why but every so often I am just overcome with a restless feeling like I really need to get away from the city and its traffic and ginormous buildings and people every other foot. Sometimes I just want to wake up in the morning and hear birds or maybe barking dogs but definitely no freeway or cars or other people’s conversations. Conversations which they are having in their house with the doors and windows closed and I can STILL HEAR because that is how closely we are packed in together here in the Bay Area.

I’ve actually been day dreaming about camping y’all. Just me and a tent and a campfire and some really great coffee and some sort of meat grilled over open flame. Obviously my camping fantasy does not involve a campsite with 52 bajillion children running around. Anyone know of an adults only camping spot. Um… But not one that doesn’t require clothes. I’m just saying…

Because I never really get out of the mode of house hunting, I’ve been researching places where I can live and not look into my neighbors’ backyard from the bathroom. There are some cute places out near Sacramento and think of how much closer we’d be to the lake! Also, I could possibly afford to buy there without donating eleventy-two pints of blood and my first born child. I don’t know. I seem to get these flights of fancy and then nothing ever comes of it. We’ll see.

With school being as stressful as it has been, and the fact that no one has yet invented the self-mopping floor, and I can’t afford to hire someone to do my laundry, I had to find someplace where I could cut myself a little slack. As much as it pains me to admit this I went ahead and signed TheBoy and I up for pre-packaged lunches and dinners five days a week from Diet To Go. So far there hasn’t been anything TOO terrible and some of the things are quite good. Plus! I haven’t been to the grocery store in ages and it is SO MUCH EASIER to get my homework done, get to the gym, clean the house if I don’t ALSO have to plan, shop and cook dinner every night.

When I buy my new house, wherever it ends up being, I am determined to have a decent kitchen. TheBoy seems fully on board with this as his eating in style has been sorely affected by my lack of time and frank lack of interest in cooking anything on my craptastic stove, the barely functional oven, or my lack of desire to go anywhere near the tee-tiny kitchen unless its to pour myself a glass of wine. And y’all? I’ve taken to opening my wine in the dining room and keeping the glasses accessible on the table. I REALLY hate my kitchen.

Okay I apologize for the totally disjointed nature of this post… It has been a long couple of weeks / weekend and I really can’t keep a coherent thought in my head! Be back soon I promise.

So. Much. To. Say! So little time…

Sorry for the generic post but I wanted to get something out there before all of you give up on me completely. So here you have the thoughts in my head tossed out on paper in no apparent order.

*****

~ I finished my class from hell a week ago and y’all that was the HARDEST CLASS EVER. Not that the subject matter was totally scary or anything – more that the professor required SO MUCH of it and there had to be CREATIVITY and also TEAM WORK and… It wasn’t good. I had one team member who pretty much was a no show for all the assignments. If she did show up in the chat room it would be to post her craptastic little portion of the assignment which then meant someone else (like me) would have to edit it and format it and basically re-write the whole damn thing.

But! It’s over! I have survived! The new class I’m in hasn’t been that bad for the first week (frantically looking for wood to knock on) so I’m hopeful I’ll be able to have time for laundry and cleaning the house and other social type stuff over the remaining 4 weeks. Chez Ghetto looks like a bomb hit it y’all and until yesterday there were AT LEAST a weeks worth of dishes in the sink which is SO not like me at all.

Whose idea was it for me to go back to school again?

~ I did manage to do a few fun things over the past couple weeks however. I went to a chili cook-off a couple weekends back. How can you go wrong with chili, beer and live music? I also went to a Giants game with TheBoy and his parents which is always good times. We missed the 747th homerun by a night! But TheBoy’s niece and her bf were at that game with TheBoy’s parents the night before and the bf totally caught the homerun ball.

Well if by “caught” you mean it fell between the stair slats and rolled into his foot while he was in line for the bathroom. *ahem*

~ TheBoy and I have been on a wakeboarding bender for the past two months as he has been doing a demo program in search of a new board. He’s riding pro-style advanced boards now y’all – watch out! We went out pretty much three weekends in a row to a small lake near our house, then he went once without me, then we took a weekend off before going to Shasta for Memorial Day, and then we went camping at Lake Anderson a couple weekends after that.

I think he’s made his decision about which board he wants and would have tried it out one last time this Saturday except the small (and crappy) lake near our house now requires reservations in order to launch before noon on the weekends. Yikes! I really hate living in the Bay Area sometimes! Right now we’re trying to see if we can get a trip together for the Delta on Saturday.

~ Speaking of TheBoy, we will celebrate our 6 year anniversary next week. SIX YEARS! Holy moley y’all. And if I hear one more time how these anniversaries don’t count because we’re still only just dating I will hurt someone. I know some marriages that have imploded before the 6 year mark… so I’m proud!

I got TheBoy a fancy new survival knife as his present. It’s currently at the cutlery being sharpened. Of course he already knows what he’s getting because about two days after I ordered it he came home and informed me that he was about to order it for himself! Lame. But even though I’ve had it for months he hasn’t been able to play with it at all. I only showed it to him briefly one evening to make sure it was the right one before the return policy deadline ran out.

~ I’m currently in baby shower planning mode for TheBride (AKA: MamaToBe or Angie if you read the comments). Y’all. We went to register with her husband the other night… SO MUCH CUTE BABY STUFF! I could hardly stand it. And I don’t even LIKE kids. But how can you not love socks that are an inch long? Freaking adorable!

*****

Okay so that’s all I can come up with right now… I’ll try to regale you with a few stories now that I’m not spending all my time working or in class (or rocking myself in the corner and eating my hair). But… I know I’ve promised that before so… ;^D

I hope you all are well. Its amazing how attached you can get to people you’ve never met through their blogs! I seriously miss reading all of you guys and sometimes will log in to catch up on a week or two’s worth of posts in one evening. Love School Though. Really!

School SUCKS...

...Send Wine!

Thoughts...

I just have to put these thoughts out… someplace. Lucky you! Please feel free to disregard this entire post if you’d like.

I just had lunch with a friend who on Monday of this week broke up with her boyfriend of four years because he was not prepared to move their relationship to the next level (ie: marriage). A few weeks prior to this she had moved out of the house they have lived in together for most of those last four years and put in an offer on a brand new home which she will move into sometime in September.

She seemed sad, it being difficult to break up with someone who you really aren’t angry with, only hurt that you can’t seem to come to terms about the status of your relationship and its future. But overall she seemed at peace with her decision, even optimistic at times.

I once, I always, I never

I once got stung in the butt while running in college. That cheeky bee had to fly up my sweatshirt to get there too! I called my mom because I had no idea what to do for a bee sting. She told me to put mud on it.

I always wash my face first thing in the shower. I read once that this means I am narcissistic. I don’t necessarily think that is true… I just don’t like to have mascara running into my eyes.

I never take my make-up off before bed. I know I should. I just don’t.

*****

I once was told that a friend of mine wouldn’t need me anymore once she had a husband and got married. At the time my friend and I laughed it off. I now think the other girl was right.

I always count stairs when I go up or down them. There are 16 outside my apartment. I count them everyday. I don’t expect them to magically change one day… I guess there is more to this OCD thing than I thought!

I never have traveled to Europe. It’s on my list of things to do before I’m 30… To be honest I’m not sure I’m going to make it.

*****

I once received a hand drawn Valentine from a boy in my class that was a picture of Rambo but said “Yo Tiffany! Be my Valentine!” I think he had his Sylvester Stallone movies confused. At the time I was mortified because he was NOT COOL. Now I wish I had been nicer to him because he was very sweet and I have often wondered what happened to him.

I always look for people from my old town in Texas on MySpace. Apparently the internet hasn’t quite made it out to Cibolo yet. Or they’ve all changed their names or moved away. Both are equally likely.

I never measure oil when it asks you to add 2 tsp to a skillet to sauté your veggies or whatnot. This seems like a waste of time to me and just one more utensil to clean. Likewise, I do not generally measure spices. Or salt and pepper. Season to taste is my motto.

*****

I once told a friend in Junior High School that I wanted to have enough sons to have my own starting line up for a football team. I have now come to my senses.

I always have liked boys better than girls. We’re petty y’all. And mean. I saw the movie – it’s all true.

I never know what to do with children. If they are young and people thrust them at me I am afraid I am going to drop them or they will vomit or make other messy baby wet spots on me. If they are older I am terrified they will speak to me and expect some sort of response.

*****

I once felt light headed from simply kissing a boy I liked.

I always day dreamed about kissing far more than I ever actually GOT kissed in High School. Sad but true. ;^D

I never fit in with a clique in school. I wasn’t sporty enough for the jocks, smart enough for the brains, pretty enough for the popular girls and so on and so on… I didn’t even really fit in with the group of friends I ended up spending most of my time with.

*****

I once had a guy who I thought was just a friend try to kiss me. It was awkward and we’ve never really spoken or hung out since then. I miss him sometimes and hear about him through the grapevine but he’s never tried to get in touch with me.

I always end up being “one of the guys”. Which seems like a cool thing to be… until you want to be the “girlfriend” of one of the guys and get laughed at. That hurts.

I never leave the house without sunscreen (at least for my face – hello wrinkles) and Chapstick. Never.

*****

I once fractured my finger while dusting. In two places.

I always think of a better thing to say after the person I am speaking to has walked away or hung up. I hate that!

I never feel like I spend enough time with my cat… Like I could be a better cat mommy somehow.

*****

I once did that whole prick your finger and become blood sisters with my best friend in grade school. Then I moved away and we lost touch… So much for being “bonded by blood”. I wonder where she is now?

I always peek at other people’s bookshelves when I’m at their houses to see what they are reading. It’s my own version of seeing what’s in the medicine cabinet I guess. You can tell a lot about a person by the type of books they read.

I never thought I’d go seven years without speaking to my father.

*****

I once got thrown from a horse because a bird flew under his belly.

I always pre-plan conversations with people in my car. Complete with alternate endings and multiple answers and scenarios based on their responses to questions either I or they might ask.

I never feel like I actually see the real me in the mirror.

For Kate

Yes I am in fact supposed to be at boot camp this morning... Why do you ask? :)

Thanks to Kate for e-mailing me these questions as part of the “interview me” game (and inspiring me to post something!). If you want to play leave me a comment.

1. When you were a little girl, what did you want to grow up to be?

It was a toss up between a ballerina (SO PRETTY) or a restaurant owner or a clothes designer. For those last two I totally used to get up before my parents on the weekends and block off the way to the kitchen so they had to go into the dining room first and “order” their breakfast from me. Off a menu. Scrambled eggs and toast? Or… scrambled eggs and toast? Also? There might be incriminating photographs of me modeling some of my early fashion designs made entirely from paper grocery bags. Bikini top with sweetheart neckline (it was the 80’s cut me SOME slack y’all) and a Hawaiian style grass skirt thing. I can’t believe I just admitted that on the internet.

2. What is one thing that you deem unforgivable in life, in your
relationships?

I guess I can’t tolerate apathy in people. PLEASE be passionate about SOMETHING! I like to surround myself with people who are excited about life. As for what I deem unforgivable in relationships? If you are my friend I find it unforgivable if you don’t put 110% of yourself into our relationship. I’m not saying all the time… I know it’s a give and take. But we all lead busy lives and I don’t have time for people who aren’t going to be there for me when I need them. I promise you if you are my friend I will be there for you when you need me. As for boyfriends / significant others… I can’t tolerate being lied to. PLEASE be honest… Don’t spare my feelings because I will be more upset when I find out you lied than I would have been had you been honest in the first place. I’m reasonable – try me.

3. Do you have a cause that is near and dear to your heart?

Sadly I have a lot of causes that are near and dear to my heart but none of which I spend a great deal of time on… It’s always that same old excuse, not enough time, not enough money, not enough… who knows. There are a few things I will always get up on my soap box about and have spent considerable time, money and personal effort trying to raise awareness for (even if not recently).

I believe in women’s rights – most importantly the right to chose what goes on in her own body and the right not to be abused in her own home. I believe that we are ruining our environment, global warming is a fact and that there is something we can do about it locally. I believe that love is love whether is exists between a man and a woman or a man and a man (or a woman and a woman) and that they should be allowed to enter into a family unit – marriage – if they wish. I also think that unless you are deathly afraid of needles, or are ineligible for whatever reason, that you should donate blood at your local blood bank. It’s an hour out of your life very 8 weeks and it literally could save a life.

4. Which fictionalized character do you mostly relate with, and why?

Heh. I could relate my whole life to one fictional character after another… Lately I’m liking the Dorothy one (see side bar – which coincidentally has been there since day one) because I do really wake up most days and wonder “how the hell did I get here?” And by “here” I don’t just mean Silicon Valley or even CA… Some days I mean just here. This job. This apartment. This particular day, in this particular month. This… life. We are definitely NOT in Kansas anymore Toto.

5. What one country, other than the U.S., would you live in if you could,
and why?

You know? As much as I would love to travel and experience other cultures I’m not sure I would want to LIVE anywhere but here… At least not permanently. Of course I could go for a good long six month sabbatical somewhere. Like Italy. Or Greece. Someplace sunny and warm with excellent food and friendly people.

And thus concludes my five. If you are interested in participating, here are
the rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!" I will respond by
e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer
them all. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. You
will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the
same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them
five questions.

Thoughts on Child Birth

You know how they say that women forget the pain of labor and child birth after awhile as part of a natural reflex that keeps them wanting to have more children? I always thought that was a load of crap personally. I have a friend whose own experience with birth was so painful and traumatic that it has permanently ensured that her adorable four year old daughter is destined to remain an only child. This from a woman who SWORE she wanted at least two. FOUR YEARS LATER PEOPLE and she has not forgotten.

But today as I’m hobbling around after having done approximately 643 million squats at boot camp in the past two days I’m starting to think that maybe somewhere in my brain I somehow blocked the memory of how painful the first week of boot camp was! Because I KNOW I was at least this out of shape the first go around… And I vaguely recall being made fun of as I limped around the office and whined about climbing up and down the stairs… But seriously! Where were these memories when I was all warm and fuzzy and thinking happy thoughts about signing back up?

Darwin was on to something y’all…

Peanut Butter on Leather

First off everyone say hi to my mom!

Who as you all know, from reading my earlier posts, is actually a wonderful mom and someone I consider a close friend, but who also maybe has the world’s worst timing when thinking “maybe today is a good day to start reading my daughter’s blog” last Friday.

*ahem*

Now. Does anyone out there know how to get peanut butter out of leather? See in an effort to give this whole boot camp thing a fighting chance I’m actually going back and following the advice from the nutritionist again also. Because as expensive as boot camp is - that nutritionist cost me my first born child (practically) so I might as well get some use out of it.

Did y’all know that there is this whole meal out there called “breakfast” that people eat in the MORNING? Which involves actual solid food and not just coffee? Yeah me neither. I mean I knew there were breakfast foods. Eggs & potatoes & all sorts of breakfast-y type goodness. I mean I LOVE breakfast foods… At about noon. On a Saturday. With a Mimosa. I’m just saying is all…

So anyway, breakfast. (Can y’all tell already this whole post is going to be filled with tangents? I can not keep a straight thought in my head today!) This morning after boot camp I had a banana and then took a piece of whole grain sourdough bread with peanut butter on it to eat in the car while I drove to work… Can you see where this is going?

I’m driving along, minding my own business, when all of a sudden traffic just stops. On the freeway. Love you Bay Area traffic! But of course my purse? The one that is sitting in the passenger seat? It totally fell forward when I slammed on my brakes. Right in to my peanut butter covered slice of bread. Awesome!

I am now the proud owner of one very cute Coach purse with a slightly peanut butter-y smelling strap. Yay me!

Fat is as fat does

Isn’t it funny how you can know something, deep down or in the back of your mind, but it never bothers you until someone close to you mentions it? So in the last 3 or 4 months I’ve gained some weight, not a ton (8 pounds to be exact – I checked), but enough that I had noticed and it was bothering me.

Now keep in mind that in the last few months I have also had pneumonia, the flu, started college again, taken two vacations and had my damn birthday – all of which joined forces to make it either hard for me to work out or hard for me not to want to EAT ALL THE TIME. Because working out is fine for me. I’ve subscribed to the “no pain no gain” newsletter and I read it faithfully. But food? Food is my weakness. I love food! I love the smells and tastes, I love cooking and experimenting… I just LOVE FOOD.

Not so good for the waistline apparently.

But I HAD noticed and was taking steps to get back on track. I’ve been to the gym and have been working my poor lungs back into workable shape. I’ve started to be a little more reasonable about the eating at home (because we have far too many social engagements for me to control it all the time) bringing back more natural foods, fruits, veggies, lean meats, blah, blah, blah… I even dug out all my old notes from the nutritionist. And then I went and did two very, very important and scary (and maybe crazy) things…

I threw out my “rainy day” pack of cigarettes. Both of them. I know, I know I said I was going to do that months ago… Well I did it now. Happy? Better late than never no?

And y’all? I signed myself back up for boot camp. Oh yeah – that’s right. Me and 5:00 am are going to get reacquainted. But seriously… that program BEAT me into shape, it DRUG me KICKING and SCREAMING into shape. I think I need a little of that again.

SO having taken the above steps in the last week or so I was certainly shocked and appalled last night at dinner when my mother pulled me aside and said “looks like you’ve gained an awful lot of weight sweetie.”

Crickets…

NOTE – if you are Southern you believe that adding “sweetie”, “sugar” or “darling” on to the end of whatever you say makes it seem alright because you truly care about the person you are saying these things to. As a Southern woman I realized last night that “sweetie” does NOT in fact make things better!

To top it all off when she called to apologize this morning (I was maybe a bit distant at dinner after that – y’all come on!) she couldn’t leave well enough alone… I got to hear about how it’s a mother’s right to be worried about their children and how clearly something must be wrong because I’ve gotten SO FAT and don’t I know I can talk to her about anything? Also, she was genuinely concerned that the new clothes I had bought myself for my birthday (in a smaller size than last year!) weren’t going to fit anymore… I was wearing one of those outfits LAST NIGHT! Perhaps it makes me look fat and I should burn it right away…

Why is it that a woman who is almost 30 can be reduced to tears of frustration on the freeway in morning traffic by her mother? How embarrassing is that? I’m sure all the other motorists thought my dog had died or something… I guess I should be embarrassed that something so trivial as being called fat makes me want to cry but… Jeez it’s been a rough road to here and I’m certainly not FAT by any means and I’m no where NEAR the weight I was when I most definitely WAS fat. It’s frustrating.

It’s enough to make a girl run to the bathroom and stick her finger down her throat.

Just a quickie…

Do people ever say things to you that leave you so non-plussed you actually have no response? Take for example the following exchange that JUST HAPPENED at my local bagel shop:

Girl behind counter: Tiffany?

Me: Yes?

GBC: I’m so sorry but we’re out of fruit salad today. Would you like potato salad or coleslaw instead?

Me: (joking) Well I always would like potato salad instead… Just have to watch my girlish figure!

Male manager type: (piping in from left field) I’ll watch it for you – I say have the potato salad.

Me: …

Alrighty then! It’s a good thing I’ll be on vacation for a week and not tempted to go in there! But damn their Panini’s make a tasty lunch.

*****

Did I mention that TheBoy and I are going to Palm Desert next week for the whole week pretty much for free? (Okay suspend reality here for a moment and pretend I blog regularly.) Yes! It’s true! AND it’s supposed to be in the high 80’s or 90 every day we are there except one! Yee Haw baby! It is pool time for Tiffy.

Bring on the freckles.

Also, I maybe have the Best Boss On The Planet since he gladly gave me the week off even though I just got back from DC like 10 days ago. I think it was maybe a birthday present / quarter end bonus / he’s just a great guy like that kind of thing.

*****

Also, I maybe whined about how I had to take Algebra? Well I went like 14 rounds with that class last week y’all and IT WAS WINNING! So I dropped it. There is apparently another class I can take that deals more with finance and statistics and real world numbers (accounting and budgeting and that stuff) but absolutely no theory and random, will-never-use-this-in-the-real-world-ever crap.

So I signed up for that one. It starts on the 24th. Wish me luck!

Because really, I wasn’t about to ruin my perfect A average over freaking Algebra which I have NEVER USED in the 14 years or so since I last took it and probably will not use again in the next 14 years. EVER.

I’m just saying is all.

Emotional Roller Coaster

It’s amazing how talking to different people can change your perspective on things. For weeks I have been standing at a crossroad. Yesterday I thought I was certain which path I was going to take. However, after having a long discussion with TheBoy last night I now realize that the path I need to take is the opposite. Perhaps I needed a voice of reason?

And today, even though I know that the choice we made was ultimately the wisest, I feel… sad. Like I’ve given up yet another dream that doesn’t quite fit into the life I’ve chosen. Why does it have to be one way or the other? And why is it always me giving in? *sigh* But enough sour grapes. This is the best decision… Financially. For us. For now.

Crossroad

Do you ever wake up in the morning and have a premonition that something is going to happen that day to change you? Yesterday morning I woke up, bright and early after a night of drinking wine and listening to live music with some co-workers, in my ocean view* hotel room in Monterey at about 6:30 am despite all my best efforts to sleep in. I had left the window open the night before so the birds were singing and I could hear the sounds of people on the street below me. For the first time in a long time I just felt… happy. It could have had something to do with the motivational seminar I attended over the last two days, or maybe the fact that the sun was out after a day of rain but I was finally feeling at peace with myself.

I stood by my window staring off into the distance watching the sunrise color the sky and thought about the last few months. About the long hours I’ve worked, the countless hours of coursework and research and participation points I’ve logged, about the changes among my friends and family and the changes I’m facing in my own life and for a moment I thought… “It’s all going to work out.”

I wasn’t sure how, and to be honest I’m still not sure, but after being in a perpetually cheery mood all day (for no good reason at all) I received a phone call from someone I hadn’t expected to hear from again. Someone with an offer of something I didn’t think would come. Then, I received news from an opposite front, good news, conflicting news. However, this time I feel secure in the path I will follow. If the stars align… Details to come.


*Ocean View = standing in one corner of the room and craning your neck out the window to glimpse the bay. It was beautiful… if a little cramped. :D

Tap, tap, tap…

Is this thing on?

I know, I know… It has been over a month since I wrote to y’all last but let me assure you it has been busy month. I have finished another class in school with an A grade (yay me) and started (and almost completed) another in which I’m on track for another A. I have interviewed and declined my dream job, come to terms with my own insecurities, looked myself in the mirror and realized once and for all how unhappy I am with my life, traveled out of town for pleasure and for business, played with my friends and generally tried to live life.

I will try to be back tomorrow with a more detailed update of at least one of the items listed above… I have also realized that because so many of my real life friends (hello friends of Tiffy!) read this blog, I have been censoring myself and trying to not let too many of my emotions pour out. But as I’ve learned in my recent management courses, sometimes letting your feelings show is a good thing. So I might try to be brave and actually post some of the things I’ve written in the last month…



I know this isn’t a political blog…

But I like these guys!

In case you don’t want to click the link it’s basically an initiative that some people are trying to get on the ballot in Washington State that would require that couples prove they are fertile prior to obtaining a marriage license and require them to have at least one child within three years of their marriage. Otherwise their marriage would be declared invalid and would be annulled.

I think this is a great response to that argument that same sex couples shouldn’t be allowed to marry because the purpose of marriage is to have children and they can not. Hopefully they can see how ridiculous it sounds now that someone has applied it to all couples and all marriages. Would you really annul the marriage of a couple who is barren? A conservative, church going couple even?

*****

Also, Hi! I know I’ve been ignoring things over here lately but things are hectic! Mainly its school but there are a few other things… More details when I can share them I promise!

I have been writing a bit but nothing feels… finished. I promise to post again soon. I miss you guys!

Thank you for not smoking?

The thing is… I like to smoke. When I was younger I always liked the heroines from 1940’s era movies with their perfectly coifed hairstyles and those slender cigarette holders. I like the way people punctuate their speech with smoke… a long drag instituting silence that can mean so many things.

Smoking never held the addiction over me like I know it does for so many people. “I only smoke when I drink” I would say. I smoked in High School to be rebellious (Lord help me for that particular cliché) and I smoked in college because… smoking in college just seemed like the thing to do. When I was dieting I smoked to keep the hunger pains away. I smoke because I like to, I like the feeling.

I know smoking is wrong. Trust me. Every mile of every run I ever take I know that I’ve made the right choice by giving up smoking. Every pose in every yoga class I feel better for having not having smoked. I listen to the same commercials as everyone else. I know people whose lives have been torn apart by lung cancer, my own family wrought with heart disease, all attributed to smoking. I get it, I do.

That is why this New Year’s Eve I decided to give up casual smoking. No more smoking “when I drink” (because I’m not in denial – I drink A LOT – that’s another post all together), no more just a drag or two out with friends, no more “when in Vegas”. I was just going to be a non-smoker. I had been proclaiming to be one for ages right?

So why is it that since I’ve made that decision, which I didn’t tell anyone about save one, that I’ve had more of an overwhelming desire to light up than I can remember in ages? It’s like there are cigarettes everywhere! At the drugstore across the street from my office… At the grocery store when I run for our weekly supplies… It’s all I can do to not casually request a pack to be tossed in with the rest.

What the hell?

Random Crap

There is nothing on the planet that can make you feel like there is something out there larger than yourself than ultrasound pictures it seems. This evening I found myself squinting at blurry images of something (someone) that resembles nothing so much as an odd tadpole. Looking up into the proud faces of the parents and seeing my own look of wonder tinged with disbelief reflected there I felt closer to God than I have in years. Something about new life and second chances and innocence…

Yesterday was a day for celebration – I successfully completed my first class back in school. I don’t have my grade yet but I feel like I did well. Even though I thought about quitting, and felt like I was in over my head, I stuck it out and finished. One class down – Nineteen to go. Eeek.

Today I started class number two. This one will be a little different I can tell already. I have a paper due every week for starters… But at least there are already two familiar names (can’t really say faces in an online class now can you?) and the professor seems very direct in his approach which I like.

Apparently it takes three times as much electricity as it does gas to produce the same or less heat in my apartment. Three times the electricity costs roughly 50% more than the gas. And here we thought we were going to save money on our exorbitant PG&E bill by not using our ancient gas heater and using electric space heaters. This means I’ve been freezing my butt off all month not only for nothing, but to pay 50% more than last month’s bill. Awesome!

No one likes to feel like they mean nothing, like their opinions don’t matter, like no one would care if they weren’t around. And yet, this seems to be a recurring theme around Chez Ghetto these days. Whether it’s work and management woes or birthdays we’re definitely throwing a pity party. Guest list total = 2.

Another cause for celebration? I have thus far, successfully avoided catching the nasty flu bug that TheBoy brought home from bowling last week! I know this is probably not exciting news to anyone but me… But if y’all had seen the poor soul, all feverish and miserable, on his birthday no less, you’d be congratulating me too.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Picture, if you will, coming home after a long work week at a job you hate but good news is it is Friday and it’s your birthday. You walk into the house and there is a massage table set up, candles lit, soft music playing and your favorite cocktail waiting for you. Good start to a birthday evening no?

After a relaxing 90 minute massage, and a couple cocktails and some yummy hors d’ouvres prepared by your loving girlfriend, you have a quick shower and get dressed up in your best suit for dinner at one of your favorite restaurants. After a leisurely dinner and a bottle or two of wine the two of you decide to head out to a local dive bar to hang out a grab another cocktail before calling it a night.

All in all a pretty good birthday evening.

Now picture that the day before your birthday you come down with some dreadful cold bug and wind up in bed for going on 20 hours straight with a raging fever and you just generally feel like crap.

DOH!

Happy birthday anyway baby! We’ll try again next week. I love you!

Run Away

I went to college at a very conservative Christian University right after high school… for less than a week. No, sadly that isn’t a typo. I actually lived in the dorms for a bit longer than that as there were all the Freshman Orientation activities and whatnot but I think I actually made it through less than a full week of classes before I walked my crying self into the registrar’s office and un-enrolled myself from college. My poor mother was literally speechless when I called her to tell her I was coming home but good news (!) I got all of my tuition reimbursed. She was not amused. But it was too late, what was done was done.

The following morning… It was a Tuesday… I packed up my entire half of the dorm as my roommate and her sister* watched and tried to make me laugh. Her boyfriend carried my one suitcase and only box down to my car which contained such things as a mini coffee maker that I just had to have for my new dorm life. I set off early, about 7:00 am, thinking I would miss some of the LA traffic. Ha! What a naïve little person I was. I should have left at like 2:00 am!

But that’s neither here nor there… The real question is why? Why did I leave?

I’ve always given the same two answers when people have asked me this question in the past so I’ll start with them now. I stand behind them as I do think that they played a big part in my decision to run away from school that fateful day.

Reason #1 – I realized that I’m not as conservative as I had been pretending to be all those years. Notice I didn’t say that I realized I wasn’t a Christian. I did then and do now believe in God. I just got to school, a very staunchly conservative school and realized that I was spending a lot of time looking around me thinking “are these people for real?” Aside from setting up my own reality check booth in the center of campus I realized there wasn’t much I could do. I was the odd ball there. Even my fellow faith bound readers can understand what I mean… We’ve all met the type. (One girl in particular comes to mind from my youth group days…) Over the top and holier than thou. But to be surrounded by them? Outnumbered? For four years?

Reason #2 – I was HOME. SICK. I mean like physically. The track at the University ran underneath the building where the married students and some of the younger faculty lived. I remember one morning I was out there running fairly early (hello So Cal heat!) and the longing to see my mother hit me so hard I literally doubled over in pain and had to sit down in the middle of the track. One of the women from that building must have seen me because she came down in her PJs to offer me water because she thought I had collapsed. I had never been that far away from home before. I missed my mom. I missed my friends. I missed my (sorry ass excuse for a) boyfriend.

I don’t know if either of those reasons is good enough for any of you to run away and abandon college but that afternoon when all was looking bleak it was enough for me. And y’all I was SCARED. It’s scary to walk in to the admissions office and ask to be un-admitted. Especially when you’d spent a YEAR trying to explain why you should be admitted in the first place!

I. WAS. SCARED. And that, my friends, is the real (and heretofore unmentioned) real reason why I ran away from college that day almost 10 years ago. I sat in my classes and was surrounded by people who seemed like they had their shit together you know? And I was so overwhelmed by the amount of work that was piling up and it was only the first week! No one else seemed to be concerned. Granted, looking back, I can see that I had signed myself up for some serious honors level courses and therefore most of my classmates were sophomores and had a year of this college thing under their belts so no wonder they were calm but to my scared little homesick eye… I just didn’t think I was going to cut it.

Sort of like my mini-freak out of the past two days. I’m telling you guys this college thing is a lot of work! And I am out of practice! This week coming off a two week break for the holidays I was so overwhelmed by the amount of work I had left to complete in a mere 10 days that I was quite literally stunned into inactivity. I would lay away at night and wonder if I was doing the right thing and one particular morning (Wednesday?) I had pretty much convinced myself to call my academic counselor and withdraw from my current class… if not from school all together.

Thankfully I have wonderful friends who are great champions (and who really should stop giving me shit about being a cheerleader in high school cause y’all? Really really good at cheerleading! I’m just saying…) and managed to talk some sense into me. I just have to keep my eye on the goal right? Also, maybe it would help if I reminded myself that I’m not quite as stupid as I feel. Sometimes. I feel better. And the urge to run away has passed. This time. Because I think you can run away from your fears sometimes but eventually you have to turn around and face them.


*Twins (sophmores) from China – I impressed them by actually being able to count to ten in Cantonese on my first day in the dorm. It’s one of BFL’s favorite stupid drunken party tricks of mine.

1 day down…

364 more to go!

Goodbye to 2006 (I hope the door smacked you on the A$$ on the way out) and a warm southern welcome to 2007! Y’all I already FEEL different. It’s going to be a good year… I can tell. I hope like hell I didn’t just jinx myself by writing that.

Because TheBoy has SUCH a stellar job and had to work yesterday on New Year’s Day, we found ourselves having quite the toned-down amateur night. Which really, truth be told, was fine by me with one notable exception and that was the lack of any of my girlfriends! Thank God for cell phones! But you have to love a party that requires the wearing of pajamas right?

One of the things we did at our little New Year’s get together was make a list of 10 things we’d like to improve in ourselves or accomplish in 2007. Then one guest took these lists and is going to mail them to us in December. Scary huh? In totally unlike me character I actually had a hard time filling the list with 10 items. I can’t even remember what all 10 things I wrote down were but I do know it contained such exciting items such as:

1 ~ remember to remove make-up and wash face before bed every night. (I am notoriously bad at doing this!)

2 ~ floss more regularly. (My dentist put the fear of God into me a couple years ago when I had to have oral surgery and I was pretty good about flossing… for about a year. Really need to get back in to the habit!)

So really you can see that my heart was totally in to writing down resolutions at 10 pm at night on New Year’s Eve after a couple martinis… :D I think I did get better at some point because I do recall listing things like:

3 ~ continue to pay-off debt on schedule set up. (Yes I do have a schedule set up – I just signed up to have a ginormous student loan so I figure I should debt free when that bad boy hits 6 months after graduation right?)

4 ~ pay for things with cash. no cash = no buying. bring lunches from home, curtail eating dinner out so much, less going out for drinks, etc…

5 ~ continue saving for house (even if I never buy the damn thing).

6 ~ focus on school work as main priority on evenings and weekends. remind self, “friends WILL understand”.

And also, because this is ME we’re talking about here… You know there had to be a few exercise related resolutions right? Actually, I only could come up with 2 which is shocking… They are:

7 ~ yoga 3 times a week.

8 ~ running again (half marathon with Dawn in September?) and crossing training (stair machine of death) for backpacking / hiking trips.

Right. So I had 8. I was left with 2 little empty blanks staring at me from that stupid piece of paper screaming “you love lists!” and “fill me!” It was painful y’all. Truly painful. To be honest I can’t even remember what I wrote down… Something about being the most “positive and enthusiastic person I know” maybe? I seem to always throw that one in. I should have put one on there about being a better blogger. THAT would have been useful!

I can honestly say that 38 hours in to 2007 I’m doing pretty well on keeping up the resolutions. What do I have? Something like 8,700 hours to go? I think I’m up for it! I hope you all had wonderful holiday seasons and are enjoying the opening days of 2007.