Friday, January 27, 2006

Yes it's true

Yes it’s true that I am a natural blonde. I highlight and lowlight depending on my mood but… I’m a blonde. The carpet matches the drapes if you will. Also, I have blonde eyelashes which is SO SO SO annoying. I’m just saying.

Yes it’s true that I have only felt truly loved, cherished and respected by a boyfriend once. It’s the only time in my life where I woke up in the morning and felt beautiful.

Yes it’s true that no matter how many boyfriends I have loved, I’ve only been “in love” with one. That truly selfless, put their happiness first and work every day towards improving our relationship kind of love.

It’s also true that those are two different men.

Yes it’s true that I love to sing and dance. I don’t do either anymore because I was only marginally good at either. I think that’s why I’m so fascinated by things like American Idol!

Yes it’s true that I own 50+ pairs of shoes. And I’m weeding them down – it used to be a lot more than that!

Yes it’s true that I keep secrets. There isn’t anyone who knows everything there is to know about me. I keep it that way on purpose. I’m afraid that if one person knew all of me they would realize that they don’t like me after all.

It’s also true that I wish there was someone I could talk to about everything. But I know that it will probably never be.

Yes it’s true that I used to be quite the “church girl”. Youth group member, worship band singer, if there was a group to join at church or a trip to go on I was there. It was simultaneously the most at home and also the most inadequate I’d ever felt.

It’s true that I miss going to church. I miss the fellowship. I miss the teaching – though I didn’t necessarily always agree with it. I miss the ideals.

Yes it’s true that I went to bible college for a few weeks right out of high school.

It’s also true that I left there because I realized that I was by no stretch of the definition “conservative”. Also, I missed home, my friends and my boyfriend. I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if I’d stayed.

Yes it’s true that I am petrified of meeting new people. If I think about it for too long I will seriously give myself a panic attack. I hate going places where I won’t know anyone. Especially if it’s expected that I will talk to them.

It’s true that anyone I’ve ever told that to has laughed at me. I can be very outgoing with my friends and I think they have trouble picturing the me I am when they aren’t around.

Yes it’s true that I attribute periods of my life and feelings I felt with locations. Also with songs and smells. Sometimes this is a bad thing as it’s hard to overwrite bad memories with good if I avoid certain locations like the plague!

Yes it’s true that I color coordinate my closets and alphabetize my CDs.

Yes it’s true that I hate lending things to people because I know they won’t take immaculate care of whatever it is like I would. I lend things to people because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m a freak if I try to explain why I don’t want to.

Yes it’s true that I have only given two weeks notice at two jobs in my entire life. The others I’ve either been laid off, the job was temp or seasonal and it ended or I’ve sent my resignation in and walked out.

It’s also true that I’ve had more than my fair share of scary bosses. Remember this post? Yeah.

Yes it’s true that I am obsessive about food, dieting and exercise. I’ve known the calorie content of my toothpaste since Jr. High.

Yes it’s true that I’ve recently become reacquainted with a woman I knew from spending summers with Jim in Mississippi. You know what she remembered about me? That I taught her how to count calories and make sure you worked off more calories than you ate.

It’s sadly true that I haven’t spent a summer with Jim since I was 8.

Yes it’s true that my biological father’s name is Jim and lives in Mississippi with his wife Brenda. Brenda has two children (now adults I’m sure) whose names I can not remember. I feel like he chose them over me.

Yes it’s true I miss him sometimes.

Yes it’s true that I drink a lot. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I drink too much?

It’s true that typing the above statement made me laugh!

Yes it’s true that I despise winter. I thought I was crazy until I read about this thing called seasonal depression. I hate cold and dark. Also, I hate rain.

Yes it’s true I am an avid reader. I’d much rather spend time reading than almost anything else. I have a small fortune worth of books crammed into my apartment.

2 comments:

kate said...

love learning more about you.

i was blond until the age of five. i don't know what happened.

i also have lots of secrets. don't most girls? and i also think that i'll never find anyone i'll feel comfortbale enough with to share everything with.

i'm also scared of meeting new people, but i'm making a concerted effort to get out there and do that. i think going to cali alone is a huge step.

i'm also not good at sharing my things. comes from being alone most of my life.

ditto with the issues with food thing.

and i think i can totally beat you in the reading race.

browser58 said...

Lots of secrets is not limited to girls. I think everyone has at least a few and some have a lot.

Also we all have private and public personas, sometimes multiple public ones for different environments.

I have never unloaded it all. There was never anyone I trusted that much and I was married for 31 yrs. Perhaps it explains why I no longer am married.

Oh, by the way, did I mention that your post to day resonated with me in a big way?