Resolute

Adj. Firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.

Last year about this time I posted this which contained all my New Year’s resolutions and hopes for 2006. Heh. Well, for those who have been reading along these past 12 months (or who know me in real life) know that 2006 has been a LONG and HARD year for me. But I’ve survived. I’ve survived and I’m even cautiously optimistic about 2007. Truly.

I was even pleasantly surprised to see that I didn’t totally blow it on all of my resolutions for 2006. Since y’all know… I do love me a good list! So what are the results? SO glad you asked!

~ I did lose the last 12 pounds and made it to my goal weight. Yay me! I’ve even managed to make it through the holiday season and only gain about two pounds. Not too shabby… I’d like to see some more toning but considering I haven’t set foot in my gym more than sporadically in the last couple months… Eh. I’ll take it!

~ I didn’t enter any 10k or half marathons. For two reasons. Two of my close girlfriends got engaged this year, one of whom I was the maid of honor for. That’s a lot of work people. Also, there was the whole mosquito / staph / bacterial infection issue… It’s hard to train with a hole in your foot y’all. I’m just saying.

~ Reasonable eating plan was successful. I attribute that as the reason why I am not the size of a house given my lack of exercise (see above).

~ I did not ever manage to enroll at SJSU (hate you SJSU!!) but I am currently enrolled at the University of Phoenix online and am working on completing my degree. Not in history (maybe not so useful after all) but in Business (boring) and Hospitality Management (yay!).

~ Debt. Ha! (See weddings/running above.)

~ Consumption of alcohol. Ha Ha! (See weddings/running/debt above.)

~ I’m still working on the Positive and Enthusiastic part… I have good days and… “other” days. What can I say?

~ I’ve come to terms with my insomnia. I call it Louise and we get together regularly. I miss her if she doesn’t show up regularly. It’s a love / hate relationship but I can’t giver her up. What can I say… Maybe I like the relationships that are bad for me?

~ I resisted the urge to cut off all my hair… Until after Angie’s wedding. Ooops! Well whatever. It’s just hair right?

~ As for all those others… Well I’m sure I could have done a better job of showing my friends how much they mean to me. I could have spent more time with my mother. I could have called more, written more, been less self-absorbed. Like I said, this was a tough year. For that… I am sorry. But my wonderful, selfless, truly amazing friends and family were by my side through it all. I am truly lucky.

~ Did I try anything new this year? Was I risky? Did I do anything exciting and out of my comfort zone? Hmmm… I went back to school. That counts right? And… You know what? I was honest about my feelings with someone for the first time ever. It didn’t get me the results I thought it would… But it was scary and I did it and I suppose I can’t really regret it (even though deep down a piece of me does). So there you have it – I did two new and exciting and also, scary and terrifying things in 2006.

I actually haven’t made any resolutions for 2007 yet. I’ve been so busy trying to get through 2006 that I haven’t spent a whole lot of time looking forward to the New Year yet. But knowing me and my little list loving heart I’ll be back soon with a little list of must do’s for 2007! Hopefully on that list will be a line item for “be a better blogger”!

;^D

Sleepless rambling

I am sitting alone on my tiny two foot by three foot hotel balcony over-looking the state capitol. It is 3:00 am and I am freezing cold but I can’t sleep so I am sitting here, wrapped in an awful hotel blanket, smoking too many cigarettes, tipsy from one too many martinis and thinking of the events of the evening. I’m alone, but not lonely, it’s been a long two days and I’m ready to go home tomorrow. Wait, I’m going home today. I never stay up this late. Early. Whatever.

It’s funny how things that are meant to do one thing can sometimes do another. I’m here in Sacramento at a conference designed to get me motivated about my current industry. Yet all I can think of is how I can apply any of these theories to the industry I really want to be in. I laugh at all the jokes and tease my co-workers about their corny enthusiasm but really my mind is a million miles away.

“Where do you see yourself in three years Tiffany?”

Do questions like that ever catch you off guard? Do you ever answer them honestly? I never do. And really, how can you know? I know where I’d LIKE to be in three years. Then there is where I can realistically see myself in three years. And of course there is the answer I know my boss is looking for… where he wants me to be in three years. Where my mom wants me to be in three years. Where my friends, my boyfriend want me to be in three years.

Where do I want to be in three years?

Far, far away from this balcony.

Do you ever wish you could disappear and make yourself into something else entirely. I wonder, briefly, what it would be like to fly from this balcony (not jump – no worries) and just soar above the earth until I find a place that looks… a little warmer. A little more inviting. Like a place I could put down roots and prosper.

Somewhere… I could be me. In three years.

Thankful

I’m thankful for my friends. You keep me grounded. You support me, love unconditionally, make me laugh and let me cry. Most importantly, you share your wine! I love you all.

I’m thankful for TheBoy. We’ve had one hell of a year haven’t we? No matter what I love you. Remember.

I’m thankful for my family. My mom is my number one fan. It never fails to amaze me how she comes through for me time and time again. I’m thankful for my grandmother’s continued heath and for the recovery of my Aunt Sue from her surgery earlier this year. I’m thankful that I finally got to visit with most of my family at our reunion this summer.

I’m thankful for my health. Even though it’s been a tenuous year as far as my health goes, I think it’s under control now and for that I am TRULY thankful! What’s a little scaring among friends… Right?

I’m thankful for my job. Even though lately it’s been difficult and (why lie?) I’ve been very unhappy, for the most part I like the people I work with and times are good. I’m thankful that it affords me food on the table, clothes on my back and the opportunity to go back to school.

I’m thankful for all the wonderful vacations I’ve been on in the last year. Maui with Liz was truly the trip of a lifetime, hopefully we can do it again. My family reunion to Oregon was a whirlwind two day extravaganza and even though I was freaking exhausted… it was fun. SunRiver with TheBoy and his family is always a good time. Trips to Lake Shasta, though few, were a blast. Two trips to Donner, one of which DID NOT result in a flood (thankyouverymuch), thanks Michele. And last but not least a vacation to Cabo San Lucas. Whew! I’m exhausted just remembering all of that!

I’m thankful that I was able to participate in two of my close friends weddings this year. Best of wishes to Angie and Erik and to Michele and John! I love you guys! Also, I’m thankful for being able to be involved in the wedding of TheBoy’s brother. Best wishes to Josh and Kristi!

I’ve spent a lot of this year just wishing it would be over. It’s been a rough year for me. Rough in my personal life, rough in my professional life, rough on my health… But when I started jotting things down for this post I realized.... I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I’m thankful for perspective.

I’m thankful that it’s only 39 days until 2007!

School Days

I’m here!

Are you? Ahem…

I have so much news! I’ll just give you the biggest (in my opinion) and that is that yours truly is going back to school. Officially and for real this time. One day last week as I was sitting around, drinking too much wine and generally wishing I had something to look forward to I decided to stop my bitching and do something about it.

So! I’ve been accepted into an online program to finish my bachelor degree in hospitality management so that I can actually pursue my dream of becoming an event coordinator / planner or one day actually own that successful catering company I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I start classes a week from today.

I’m very excited.

Back to life...

Have you ever noticed how discontent in one area of your life can lead to unhappiness in others? It’s hard to decipher whether or not you are (or should be) truly upset about something or rather if you’re just upset period. Is it just me? The last few weeks have been difficult, not just for me but for those around me also. I sincerely apologize for that.

It was not my intention to be silent here for almost 3 weeks and for that I apologize too. Know that I was still reading your thoughts, if not daily at least frequently enough that I still felt in the loop. It’s funny how the impulsive decision to join this online fad called blogging has led me to “meet” so many wonderful people.

I’m bored. I’m bored with my life. I feel… stifled, frozen, unhappy. I let it get to point where I didn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning to face this life. I need a challenge. Something rewarding, fulfilling, something to do that I can be proud of. I need something to look forward to.

Thank you all for your well wishes over the past few weeks… I’m gathering my thoughts and will be back with you shortly. As far as I can tell I’m already 12 posts behind in National Blogger’s Month – in which presumably we’re all supposed to blog once a day for… some unknown reason that breeds solidarity. Bloggers unite for NaBloMo!

Difficult

I’ll make no excuses for the blog silence other than this… I find it hard to write here when I’m feeling conflicted because I can’t share too many details. It’s just not who I am. My personal life is private and too many of my real life friends read this for me to really unburden here. And if I’ve learned anything from reading Dooce it’s that you should NEVER EVER discuss work turmoil online.

Let me just sum it up like this. The following things brought me to tears yesterday (in no particular order):

- A song on the radio about being a housewife
- A blog post about someone getting (what I would assume is) her dream job
- An OnStar commercial on the radio
- Telling TheBoy how stupid it was for me to cry at an OnStar commercial!
- An e-mail from an old co-worker detailing how much fun she’s having now that she quit her job here and is doing this

Please send wine.

More Cabo Pics!

Before we went to dinner at Edith's, we went to this fabulous little place to have a sunset cocktail. This place was totally unassuming from the outside and under construction (as all of Cabo appears to be) but Lord the view!

Here's Chris and Chrsitie again... Aren't they cute?


Me and TheBoy... I suppose we're not too bad ourselves. :)

Here's the whole gang after the sun had set and right before we left for dinner. We met the nicest people there, two couples, from Texas who took this picture of us all. Y'all! Now they weren't from anywhere near Cibolo (or San Antonio for that matter) BUT they were from near where Rhonda grew up/has family! Did I mention Rhonda's a Texas girl? Y'all KNOW I love her right? Small world huh?

More pics from dinner... Here's Connie, being flirted with by our waiter.

Me and That Boy again... and Dawn and Rhonda...

Cabo Pictures!

You can thank TheBoy's dad for these because I still can't find my stupid cable... But here are a few to tide you over!

I think I mentioned that the hotel upgraded us to these fabulous suites that were maybe, not quite finished? One of the things that wasn't completed when we checked in that first night was there was NO WATER IN THE HOT TUBS! Luckily we'd had enough tequila that we didn't mind!

Here we are, slightly hung over and VERY HOT, the next morning at Margaritavilla. Not to be confused with the infinately more popular (and cleaner) place by a similar name which is owned by Jimmy Buffet. *ahem*

This restaurant was by far the best meal I ate in Cabo. The restaurant was called Edith's and we (the kids) took Doug and Kate (TheBoy's dad and step-mom) out to dinner to thank them for inviting us all to Cabo and really planning this whole vacation. Or at least that was the plan. Somehow Rhonda got ahold of the check at the end of the night and ended up treating everyone! So we spent the rest of the trip trying to make it up to her...

I had grilled lobster, grilled prawns (which were HUGE!) and a teeny tiny piece of Kobe filet which was to die for. Hmmm... Oh and tortilla soup. I tried the tortilla soup almost everywhere. Is it any wonder I've gained a few pounds!?!? The boy had some gi-normous Mexican platter thing. Also very tasty!

More pictures from dinner... Step-Brother Chris and his much hotter half Christie.

Okay apparently that's all the pictures Blogger will let me upload for the time being... So you'll probably think all we did on this vacation is drink. And you're pretty close to right! I'll try again later to post some more. AND to find my cable to I can post some photos of my own!

Excuses and Lies

I make excuses and avoid having conversations with people because I don’t think I really want to know the truth. It’s easier for me to come up with reasons I think people behave the way they do than face the cold hard truth. Facing the truth is scary. I like to lie to myself. Is that naïve?

Because sometimes knowing the truth means making decisions. Decisions I may not be mentally or emotionally prepared to make. So instead of asking, “why don’t you want this?” Or, “what did you mean by that?” I excuse it away in my head blaming a bad childhood or emotional blockage or saying they’re just “that way” and for the most part I convince myself that I’m right.

But in my dreams? At night I’m forced to accept the fact that perhaps it’s not the fact that someone just doesn’t show emotions – perhaps they don’t FEEL the particular emotion I want them to feel. Maybe it’s not that they’re just “that way” it’s just that they’re “that way” with me. It’s not really any of the things I made up in my mind.


What if it’s not his parents divorce?

The point of exhaustion

I know I’ve written far too many posts where in I apologize for not posting but I really do feel bad for leaving you with a shrill political scolding for 10 days and coming back with a half-assed vacation recap so let me explain the last three days…

Sunday: Woke up ridiculously early having passed out early after unpacking from the flight the night before. Went to the Farmer’s Market, went to the grocery store, caught up on e-mail, cleaned up roughly 378 places where the cat vomited, cooked breakfast and made key-lime tartlets – all before 11:00 am. At 11:05 I realized I was supposed to be at Michele’s house in 25 minutes and had not managed to bathe – resigned myself to being late.

Showed up sometime around noon to Michele’s house to deliver the above tartlets and help prepare mini tea sandwiches for Michele’s tea party themed Bridal Shower. (Yay for Bridal Showers!*) General fun and good times ensued until around… 5:00 or so when the party ended and the guests had left. I’m fuzzy on the exact timing – I do recall leaving with more cookies and sweets than I knew what to do with! Also – I won a bingo at bridal bingo! Yay me!

Arrived home Sunday evening anticipating a quiet evening of cooking at home. Instead TheBoy wanted to go out for Mexican food because we failed to have a really good Mexican food dinner while in Cabo. Go figure. Afterwards a friend of ours was bartending at the bar she owns in town so we decided to swing by and hang out with some friends. We managed to be there about 30 minutes before TheBoy said something to hurt my feelings and I wanted to go home. I think we stayed about 30 additional minutes before I managed an escape.

Monday: Woke up very early and was at my desk 15 minutes before my normal time even though it was technically a holiday. Worked my tail off all day wading through e-mails and voicemails and piles of files and paperwork that had accumulated in my absence, finally stumbling out the door a full 10 hours after my arrival with no more than a 10 minute run to Subway as a break.

Ran over to pick up some pants I had left to be altered before leaving town and finally made it home about 7:00 where I thought briefly about going to the gym but decided instead to cook dinner. Michele and Cate called after they got done with their workout at the gym (they are SO much more motivated on this working out thing than I am) and they joined me and a just arriving home TheBoy for a late dinner and a decidedly chick flick, Raise Your Voice. It was cute. Fell into bed exhausted sometime after 11:00 pm.

Tuesday: Woke up at the un-Godly hour of 5:00 am to get ready for work and drop TheBoy off at the surgery center where he was having orthroscopic surgery on his right shoulder. I was at my desk going full steam ahead by 6:45 am. At 9:45 am I got the call that TheBoy was out of surgery and could I please go pick up some medication at Walgreens before I came to pick him up? An hour later I was finally out of Walgreens (!) and on my way to the surgery center.

The rest of my afternoon involved plumping pillows, fetching pain pills, anti-nausea pills, making soup and pouring sprites and water. Poor TheBoy, he could hardly walk or keep his eyes open very long and he looked like he was in so much pain! Also, to add insult to injury, every time he takes one of his pain pills it gives him the worst hiccups! Of course, being the sweet and loving girlfriend that I am, I set my alarm for every 4 hours during the night to wake him up to take his pills. And of course, being the basket case that I am, I couldn’t sleep for fear I’d miss the alarms! *ahem*

Today: I full on got in the car this morning, backed out of the driveway and drove to the end of the street when I realized that I had forgotten something. So I promptly, turned around, pulled back in the drive way and went back up stairs to brush my teeth.

Then, I get to work, turn on my computer, go to the kitchen to fill my water bottle and get a cup of tea, have a complete conversation with not one but TWO co-workers before going to the little girl’s room to wash my hands when I realize… I managed to put on a full face of make-up this morning MINUS mascara. One trip to Walgreens later and I have remedied the situation and now have an “emergency” mascara stash in my desk drawer.

Y’all? There is not coffee enough in the world for this day. But! I am almost caught up in all the blog reading I missed while in Mexico. You guys were busy! And I missed you!


*Also, HolyFreakingHell the wedding is only 9 days away!

Esta Bien

Hello faithful blog readers! Or rather Hola!

I’m back from my vacation to Cabo San Lucas where there was much relaxing at the beach/pool and far too much tequila consumption. A good time was had by all. I’ll try to get some pictures posted in the next few days. I’m waiting on the ones taken by TheBoy’s step-brother’s girlfriend also as she was MUCH better about bringing the camera with us.

Today it’s back to life, back to reality (are those the lyrics to some 80’s pop song?), back to the gym and seriously into detox mode for Tiffy. Here are a few highlights from our trip:

- Doug, Kate, Dawn, Chris and Christi all arrived in Cabo at Terminal 1. TheBoy and I were arriving at Terminal 2 shortly thereafter. Upon their arrival they asked someone there if our flight had landed and were told it had been delayed by 30 – 45 minutes. It had not. So while they were enjoying a cocktail in the airport bar, TheBoy and I were anxiously waiting outside Terminal 2 wondering if we’d been forgotten.

- When we finally make it to the resort we learn there has been some mix up with our reservations (welcome to Mexico) but they are going to upgrade us to 2 ocean view suites complete with private jacuzzi tubs on the balconies. SWEET!

- The downside to our ocean view suites? The wing of the resort they are in is still under construction. And dang it if those Mexican workers aren’t industrious and like to start work in the wee hours of the morning! Calls placed to the front desk before 6:00 am to kindly ask them to stop pounding until a more Godly hour? 3. By our group alone.

- 2 for 1 drinks at the pool bar. Enough said.

- Water taxis are harder to get in and out of than they look. I’m just saying is all.

- We went to a “beach party” on Wednesday night at our hotel that was all you can eat and all you can drink. Standing in line to get in the event staff from the hotel had squeeze bottles full of alcoholic beverages they would randomly squeeze in to your mouths. They liked us a lot. Avoiding eye contact only made it worse. The lead singer in the band was very easy on the eyes.

- TheBoy came in second place in a limbo contest. This is significant because he is 6’7”. He lost to a tee tiny 18 year old who was maybe 5’ tall. I was proud. TheBoy was actually quite the joiner the whole week! He played pool volleyball, sand volleyball, entered a beer chugging contest, did a tequila walk… Everyone in the resort knew him by the end of the week.

- The best dinner by far we had in Cabo was at Edith’s. It was also by far the most expensive dinner we had. But Good Lord Almighty it was tasty! I had grilled lobster tail and jumbo prawns with Kobe filet. TheBoy had a Kobe New York Steak I think and enchiladas. So yummy!

- The cheapest meal we ate was right outside of Cabo Wabo where The Boy and I shared 5 beers and a plate of nachos for $10. SWEET!

- 9 out of 10 people in our group got sick at one point or another. The one lucky soul? TheBoy. But that’s okay because the first night we were there he maybe had a tad too much tequila so he was sick the next morning just not the same type of sick as the rest of us.

- We went through almost two 3 liter bottles of tequila in our room alone. Not counting what we ordered from the bar or while out in town. Also, there was quite a bit of damage done to a case of Tecate and 3 or 4 bottles of champagne were polished off. The other suite had a virtual full bar with Jack Daniels, Vodka, cases and cases of wine plus at least one case of Corona that we saw.

- It was HOT HOT HOT there. And humid! That’s saying a lot coming from this Southern girl. But dang it if I didn’t have cute hair while we were there!

All in all it was an awesome trip but it sure is good to be home!

A Plea for Education

I am not going to make a political statement even though I do have some fairly strong thoughts on the events that have transpired in Congress in the last few days. I am instead issuing a plea.

No matter which way your political sympathies lie, PLEASE educate yourselves as to what is happening in your world, in YOUR country. My biggest fear is that so many people claim they “don’t have the time” to educate themselves about what is happening in the political arena… I’d hate to have people wake up one morning and realize we’re living in Nazi Germany.

"If we sit by complacently and watch our rights erode, it won't be long until don't have any"*

Here is the full text of the “Military Commissions ACT of 2006” or the Detainee Bill that has been voted through by Congress. Read it for yourselves.



*I can’t recall where I read that quote – because I’ve been doing a LOT of reading over the past 24 hours – so to whomever, wherever, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Vanity

I leave for Cabo in 41 hours. I have accomplished almost nothing on my list of “to-do” items. As you can imagine, this is causing me a lot of undue stress! Between the laundry and the ironing and the packing (don’t even get me started on the ever changing FDA approved items for travel list!) and running around to take care of the *ahem* personal grooming items that needed to be maintained before I could possibly wear a bikini… I’m going crazy over here!

A couple of weeks ago after the biopsy, in which the doctor cut a hole in my foot, I was having just one of those days. Ladies, you know what I mean… I was just starting to feel like maybe the universe should put down the ugly stick it’s been beating me with for the past several weeks. Take for example:

1) I am in desperate need of a haircut but my stylist says it’s pointless to do anything before Cabo because the salt water and chlorine will ruin it.

2) All of my nails have been breaking like crazy. I think this might be another joyous effect of whatever infection is currently running rampant in my system. Being able to grow strong and healthy nails has always been a point of pride for me.

3) I have not been to the gym in WEEKS. Because I have a HOLE in my FOOT. Have I mentioned that before?

4) Also, let’s not forget that I have some serious purple scarring going on all over my feet and legs. AND? Now I have mysterious bumps showing up, not only in the scars but also in places that I previously had no bite! Is this fair?

So, as I sat at my desk at work, having my own little pity party (table for 1) I decided that at the very least I could have cute hands. So I took my scraggly haired, plague having, limping fat ass down to the nail salon closest to my office and bought a set of nails. Oh yes I did. And I love them – click clickity click.

Ahem.

So that was 2 weeks ago and I wanted to get a fill before I left for Cabo. Cute hands in Cabo – check! Scary plague rash on legs under sundress – check! check! Anywho, I was going to try to find a cheaper place to go (as downtown is quite expensive) but in the interest of saving time I went ahead and made an appointment at the salon with the girl who did the original set. When I got there she was “at lunch” (?) even though I had an appointment so another girl was going to work on me.

I sat down in the chair and explained what I wanted (fill, shorten to length of my nails, very thin) and then started zoning out to all the other things I have to do before I leave. However, I was drug back from la la land by the SEARING PAIN in my fingers! Seriously, this girl had a dremmel tool sander thing and she was going to use it! It felt like every nerve in the tip of my fingers was on fire. I literally had to close my eyes and breathe deep to get through it. I tried a couple times to explain the agony but she just kind of giggled and offered some encouragement (so pretty!).

It’s a shame really because at the end when I finally became brave enough to open my eyes, where I was expecting to see bloody stumps, sat what is probably the best fill I’ve ever had. No pain no gain? Even so I think I’ll take my chances with a new salon next time! My fingers are STILL tender in some places! But I have pretty bought and paid for nails. A girl’s got to have something.

Just me

I hate cold pizza. I love pickles and have been known to drink from the pickle jar. I don’t like fruity sweet drinks, except sangria. I like my martinis dirty, with extra olives. It’s like a snack with my beverage. I could drink beer all day long but I’m trying to cut back because I hear the beer belly look is out this fall. I used to love to cook but I’m terrified I’ve lost it. Regardless of how I FEEL about it, I’m pretty damn good at it.

I’m anal retentive and a neat freak. My closets are organized not only by article of clothing (tops, pants, skirts, dresses) but also by sleeve length or hem length and then by color. My CDs and movies are alphabetized. I do not understand how people can ever find the CD they are looking for if they are NOT alphabetized. A couple times a year I go through and throw away food and condiments in my kitchen that are close the expiration date or have been open “too long”. The definition of “too long” varies by which germaphobic moment I’m having that day.

I cry at movies. My friends mock me for it but I’ve caught a few of them doing it too. Don’t ask why I’m the one who gets the label of “the crier”. I also cry when I’m angry, frustrated, tired or in pain. I cry a lot. Coincidentally I HATE crying. Especially when I’m angry (talk about undermining your position in an argument!), frustrated (usually I end up more frustrated with myself than what I was originally frustrated about), tired or in pain (I try to be in denial about both).

I can not go on vacation, even for a weekend, unless the house is clean. This adds lots of pre-vacation stress but I hate coming home from a relaxing time away to a messy house. It will totally negate any fun I had. Seriously. I wish I could make it so that I couldn’t go to bed at night without certain things being done. When I get tired, I am T-I-R-E-D. I can fall asleep almost anywhere and in the most amazing positions. I blame this amazing “insta-sleepy” on my inability to remember to take off my make-up before bed.

In my lifetime I have dreamed of being all of the following things: a Broadway dancer / singer / actress, a writer, an animal trainer, a missionary, a chef / restaurant owner, a social services worker, a paralegal, an attorney, a real estate agent, a caterer and most recently an event planner / wedding coordinator. Notice never once did I mention or dream of my current position… I think that is a sign.

When I was a Junior High School I told my friend Shawn that I wanted to have “enough children to have my own mini-football team.” Heh. I’ve since come to my senses and realized that I have neither the patience nor the resources for such an endeavor. I also do not have the desire. But lately? I have been thinking very small and very quiet thoughts that maybe, just maybe, I might want one.* I promptly drown that voice with another dirty martini. Let’s see if that inner monologue bitch can swim!

I have been told that I am hard to get to know. I will admit to being a little guarded. I have a busy life and I’m not about making friends just so I can say I have 50 bajillion friends. Impress me. Intrigue me. Make me laugh. But I am fiercely loyal to the friends I do have. I believe in friends for life, making it work. I would do just about anything for a select handful of people. I think they feel the same.

I love music – I feel and empathize with lyrics. I constantly have an internal soundtrack playing. When things happen to me I find songs that relate to get me through. Sometimes a song coming on the radio will take me back to a different time and place faster than if you’d brought it up specifically. There are songs I can not listen to for this reason.

I am obsessed with working out and counting calories. More than is probably healthy so I try to curb it. In the height of my MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT. frenzy I was working out with a boot camp program 5 days a week for an hour in the morning and then taking yoga 2 nights a week and on Sunday mornings PLUS fitting in 2 or 3 additional work outs during the week. It was excessive. Needless to say, this hole in my foot? Totally cramping my style!

I hate meeting new people. I hate calling people I don’t know REALLY well on the phone. I hate ordering take-out. I won’t use the bathroom of a restaurant I haven’t eaten at unless it is a DIRE emergency. I still feel the need to talk to my mother every few days to keep me grounded. I wish I had finished college when I had the chance. I am stubborn. I like rules. People don’t like to play games with me because I adhere to the rules so strictly. I’m the polar opposite of selfish. I wish sometimes that I could learn to be a little more selfish.

I read for fun. In school I used to look forward to getting homework. I’m a geek. I used to cross stitch and my grandmother once showed me how to crochet. Those are the limits of my creative talents. Knitting may be the new yoga but I’m pretty darn good at the old yoga so I’ll stick with it. I am sarcastic. I might drink too much sometimes. I am the queen of multi-tasking. I make lists. I love to cross things off a list.



*I totally blame Dooce. Seriously – read the archives of the newsletters that she writes to her daughter every month… Or maybe? Don’t. Look what it is doing to me!

Things

Things that make me happy:

Itty bitty kitten faces.

Salons that serve wine.

Spending the weekend at the beach with my girls, celebrating Michele’s wedding in less than a month! I’m SO looking forward to relaxing and drinking wine and just hanging out with my friends.

Plans to see my mom next week. She’s been gone for over a month visiting my Aunt in Washington who recently had surgery. She’s a good sister but I’ve missed her!

8 DAYS TO CABO!!!


Things that make me unhappy:

Referrals that come by mail from a Doctor I’ve never seen, to Pathologist I’ve never seen, at Medical Center I’ve never been to, presumably resulting from a biopsy which still hurts, done by a Dermatologist who has never called me to let me know what the results were.

Mosquitoes swarming at my desk and the fact that the outside of my office building smells like piss. I think these things are related.

Realizations

A couple nights ago I went out with TheBoy’s step-sister and a good friend to listen to live jazz, have dinner, drink some good wine and generally catch up. Over the years that TheBoy and I have been together I’ve really come to love his family and feel most days like they are my own. Recently his sister has moved closer to us and I’ve been dying to take advantage of this opportunity to have “girl time”.

As girls do, the conversation quickly turned to men, both Step-Sister and Good Friend are single and dating with new prospective love interests on the horizon. I love hearing all the new, first date jitters, the will he call, should I see him tonight, initial chemistry and attraction stories… It reminds me of when TheBoy and I first were dating.

And of course, no matter how hard I try for it not to, the conversation always turns to us, to me and TheBoy, our relationship check up if you will. But Step-Sister asked me something the other night that really made me stop and think, really THINK.

“What would you being doing differently now, if (TheBoy) weren’t in the picture?”

Maybe it was the martini I had while listening to the music and waiting for our table, maybe it was the glass of wine with dinner, or the two glasses afterwards… But for the first time I actually let myself think about the answers to this question.

Because really? What happily coupled person thinks about what their life would be like as a single? Isn’t that akin to waking up married but dreaming of divorce? It just seems like a bad idea to me – I’m committed to “us” so I make progress for “us” right? What’s this “me” stuff anyway.

But you know… I had some interesting realizations that night. About myself. About what I want for the future. And it wasn’t anything like what I thought they would be… It’s shocking for me to think too long about now, much less say aloud. I might even deny it in polite company. My friends would never in a million years believe me.

Is this what growing up is about? I stare at myself in the mirror in the mornings now and am not sure I recognize the woman I see reflected there.

Déjà vu

So here’s the part where I admit something totally candidly and y’all pretend NOT to think I have gone off the deep end. No really – no need for the white jackets… yet. You guys can not possibly think I am any crazier than I do myself right now.

So I think every one is familiar with the feeling of déjà vu no? That sense that you’ve been somewhere, done, felt or said something, or even been in a situation before? I have that feeling ALL THE TIME. Seriously. Sometimes it’s so strong that it makes me physically ill – I once literally FELL OVER. Not kidding. But you know what the scary part is? Not that I’m having these silly déjà vu feelings but that I’m having them for situations I’ve experienced in DREAMS.

Y’all?

Please, pretty please? Don’t back away from the monitor and look at me like that!

And you know what the worst part is? Sometimes in my dream I’m experiencing not so happy things you know. Like, for example, breaking up with my boyfriend. And then now, when I experience these stupid déjà vu feelings from… say reading the side of a box of pasta, or having a chat exchange with a friend, or reading something on a blog… it brings back all those other devastating feelings!

Maybe I should lay off the sauce.

100 Things

Sorry for the lame post guys... I have so much going on in my head but can't seem to get any of it out! Also, I practically slept the whole damn weekend away so I don't even have any interesting stories for you!

001. What is the best way to get over someone? Stay busy

002. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? Mascara and chapstick

003. Is your AIM away message on? I don’t use AIM but I’m online on Google Chat

004. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Hmm… Mexican? Or does it have to be more specific than that? Grilled Chicken tostada with black beans.

005. What curse word do you use the most? Shit

006. Do you own an ipod? Yes

007. Who on your Myspace ” top 8 ” do you talk to the most? Ryan, Liz, Michele, Angie

008. What time is your alarm clock set for? 6:15

009. Have you ever bid for something on ebay? Yep

010. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside? Yep

011. Where do you buy your groceries from? Safeway, Trader Joe’s and occasionally Whole Foods

012. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take

013. What was the last movie you watched? Three to Tango

014. Do any of your friends have children? Yes. Mar has Elly. Dave and Mandi have Mike. Tammie and Steve have Brad, Nick, Andrew and Maggie. Nitssia has Nikki and Marq.

015. If you won the lottery, whats the first thing you would buy? Depends on how much I won! A house maybe… After I paid off some debt.

016. Has anyone ever called you lazy? My mother I’m sure!

017. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? No – I’m afraid!

018. What CD is currently in your CD player? Sugarland – “Twice the Speed of Life”

019. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Chocolate but I shouldn’t have either

020. Has anyone told you a secret this week? LOL – yes actually

021. When was the last time someone hit on you? Um… last night

022. What did you have for dinner? I split chicken fajitas with my friend Brie

023. What is your biggest fear? Not being good enough

024. What color is your car? White with a tan top

025. Can you whistle? Yes but only the regular kind

026. What is your favorite Christmas/winter movie? The one with the elf who wants to be a dentist

027. Do you make your own jewelry? Lol – nope!

028. Have you ever participated in a protest? Yes - several

029. Who was the last person to call you? Hmm… My boss

030. What is your favorite ride at an amusement park? Something that spins!

031. What is something you must do everyday? Shower?

032. Have you ever dated one of your best friends? Is this a trick question? My boyfriend IS my best friend but he didn’t start that way… I don’t believe in dating friends… that’s why they are friends.

033. What area code are you in right now? 650

034. Did you watch cartoons as a child? Yes – and they were SO much better!

035. How big is your local mall? Ginormous! I still get lost.

036. What is your job title? Mortgage Sales Associate

037. What do you miss most? Summer vacation

038. Would you ever sky dive? I’ll never say never

039. What are you allergic to? Dairy and obnoxious children

040. What is your biggest regret? Oh my… just one?

041. Have you ever had Jamba Juice? Of course

042. When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt? Hmmm… Sadly I can’t remember.

043. What movies do you know every line to? Lion King, Finding Nemo, Dirty Dancing, Top Gun

044. Do you own any band t-shirts? The Go-Go’s!

045. What is your favorite candle scent? Vanilla

046. How many aunts and uncles do you have? 3 Aunts and 1 Uncle on my mom’s side (I think I have 1 Aunt and 1 Uncle left on my father’s side but not sure)

047. When was your last plane ride? August 28th – home from Vegas!

048. Do you crack your knuckles? Yes – so bad!

049. How many chairs are at your dining room table? 2

050. What is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch – but I try to deny that urge and order balsamic vinegar only

051. Do you read for fun? Avidly.

052. Can you speak any languages other than English? Not fluently any more… Just a couple words here and there of Spanish. Some Hungarian.

053. Where is your cell phone? Right next to me – I just programmed in a friend’s number

054. Do you do your own dishes? Sadly yes – no dishwasher!

055. What color is your bedroom painted? White – it’s a rental

056. Are your parents divorced? Yes – since I was 2

057. Have you ever cried in public? Yes – I HATE that!

059. Which do you make Love or War? LOL – love I guess…

060. Are you always trying to learn new things? Absolutely

061. What messenger programs do you have? Google talk

062. Do you shower on a daily basis? Is this a real question?

063. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Yes – I’m currently deciding which of 2 new ones I want to get first

064. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? I believe whoever does the inviting should pay

065. Can you skip rocks? I think so – but I haven’t tried in a dozen years or more

067. Have you ever been to Jamaica? no

068. What do you snack on in the movies? nothing

069. Who was your favorite teacher? Dr. Carper – 8th grade

070. Have you ever dated someone out of your race? Yes

071. What is the weather like? Sunny and warm

072. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? Covered? No. With tattoos? Yes.

073. Do you have an online journal? You’re reading it!

074. Did you ever play Capture the Flag in school? Yes

075. What was your favorite class in high school? Western Civ

076. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Tummy

077. What personality trait is a must have in the preferred sex? Sense of humor

078. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? How would I know if I’m attracted to them?

079. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Hmmm… Within the last year I’m sure…

080. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Dirty martini, extra olives

081. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? I don’t know – I never asked

082. Do you like your living arrangement? I like the arrangement – not the apartment

083. Has anyone ever called you spoiled? My mother! But it’s her fault!

084. What is your mother and father’s hometowns? Hmm… My mom was born in Missouri but her hometown I would say is Bandon, OR. I have no idea about Jim.

085. Did you ever go to the same school as your parents? No.

086. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 7

087. How much is gas where you live right now? Like $2.89 or so…

088. What was the last thing to scare you? The starter on the Bronco not working properly

089. Do you own a PlayStation? No

090. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Once

092. What album did you buy last? Neil Young – “Living With War”

093. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Maybe 50?

094. Are your days full and fast-paced? For the most part

095. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? All the time

096. Is there carpet, wood or tile in the room you’re currently in? Carpet

097. Were you a “planned” child? I have no idea – again I never asked

098. What is your mom’s name? Melba

099. What is your dad’s name? Jim

100. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 28

Hung OVER

“Your boyfriend in an evil enabler.”

That was the first message I received upon logging in to my computer this morning.

Y’all. I LOVE my man.

You know it’s going to be a good night when the tequila shots start flowing at 6:30 pm. Then LawyerSean shows up with a 24 pack of cheap beer and he and TheBoy get started on that as I pour myself a glass of red wine left over from this weekend’s wedding wine tasting. Then BFL shows up with ANOTHER bottle of wine. There are more shots. More wine. I think I even drank a beer somewhere along the way. Good freaking times. I even managed to give myself a war wound in the form of a burn from the pot roast I made for dinner. Note to self: be careful when removing hot pans from oven while drunk.

On Tuesday I had a biopsy on my foot from the mosquito bites from hell that I got back in April that won’t go away. It’s awesome. I mean really… Y’all? Mosquito bites? Staph infection? Antibiotics that made me vomit? Twice? Steroids. Knee pain. Steroid shots in knee. Scars. Blood work. More blood work. X-Rays. Immune system in the crapper. And now just to add insult to injury I had a freaking piece of my flesh cut out of my foot! But they have no clue what’s wrong with me. Only that SOMETHING must be wrong because clearly I’m not healing and my immune system is shot.

Okay I’m done sounding bitter. Really. But wow. I’m a little overwhelmed with all this you know? I just keep reminding myself that it’s only 16 days until Cabo. I get my stitches out 4 days before we leave. I’m so ready for this…

16 days, 16 days, 16 days, 16 days…

No Fear?

Someone, a person much wiser than me, said to me recently that fear has no place in true love. They believe that in order to love someone, truly, you must abandon all thoughts of being hurt, of loss, and concentrate fully in the moment. You must give way to the emotions you are feeling without thinking of their consequence.

I think I’ve lost some of my ability to do this. Lately, in the last several days, weeks and months, I find myself loving a little more cautiously. I still love, with a depth of emotion that frightens me at times, and yet I find myself holding back, keeping one eye towards the future. And now that I’ve recognized it in myself? I still can’t seem to stop.

Because here’s the thing… It’s hard to give 100% of yourself to something if you don’t feel like you are getting 100% back. BFL says that in every relationship one person takes on the role of the Lover and one the Beloved. But what happens when the Lover wants to switch roles and become the Beloved?

Expressive

I have so much going on in my mind right now guys. I’ve started to write something here several times and it all seems so… hollow. It’s a fine line I walk between wanting to honestly share my feelings and express myself through my writing and yet wanting to hold something back. Once you say things you can’t take them back. That’s a lesson I’ve learned well over the years.

I’ll let y’all in on a little secret about me. I’m actually NOT all that good at expressing myself. Not in person anyway. Whenever there is a conversation about MY feelings or MY happiness I tend to avoid it like the plague. I’m so worried that I’ll say the wrong thing or come across in some negative way that I didn’t mean that I seem to choke over my own words. They never come.

I also cry during conversations that involve feelings. A LOT. Not because I’m being manipulative or whatever it is guys automatically think. Do guys actually think we LIKE sniveling and having runny noses? I think it totally undermines whatever point I’m trying to make AND it’s embarrassing. I hate it. I hate myself when I do it. But I can’t stop the tears from coming. It’s fucking annoying.

Why can’t we just write letters? Like people used to “in the good old days”? Writing gives me time to go back and re-think and re-work and edit to my little obsessive compulsive heart’s content. But who am I kidding? I can’t even bring myself to be 100% honest and open in my writing. Must I always hold something back?

Sorry for the rambling… if you want something lighter go here and check out the place we’ll be staying in Cabo. Pretty sweet no? Can’t wait! 21 days and counting…

What the heck?

So which is it?



or



All I know is... I apparently look much more manly with my hair up! :)

30 before the BIG 3 - 0

I sat down sometime after turning 20 and wrote a list of things I wanted to accomplish in the next decade. I then promptly lost that list. This is probably for the best as I'm sure I would have depressed myself to no end seeing how ambitious my 20 year old brain was. I'm almost certain it contained things like "graduate college" but also "go to law school" and most likely "get married".

I now present to you the NEW and IMPROVED "30 things to accomplish before 30" list. And only one of those things I mentioned above is still on this list. What can I say? I'm older, wiser and also much more realistic. I only have two and a half years to work with here people! Time to get cracking!

I'll check in and let y'all know when I accomplish stuff. Not that you care necessarily. But... You know, accountability and all that.

**********

1) Get another* tattoo (or two)

2) Hike Half Dome in Yosemite

3) Run another** half marathon (or three)

4) Learn to ride a bike (well)

5) Train for and complete a triathlon (should work on #4 first eh?)

6) Buy a house

7) Pay off soul-sucking debt

8) Decide what I want to be when I grow up - something that inspires me

9) Move out of the Bay Area

10) See a Broadway show - on Broadway***

11) Finish college (See? Still on the list!)

12) Volunteer for an organization I believe in

13) Get a dog

14) Learn to play tennis

15) Finally learn to line dance****

16) Take salsa dancing lessons

17) Travel alone

18) Take my mom on a trip somewhere - just the two of us

19) See the Grand Canyon

20) Go white water rafting

21) Travel to Italy

22) Go to Oktoberfest in Germany

23) Take more***** culinary classes (I'm insatiable I tell you!)

24) Drive up the West Coast

25) Plan a trip away with my girls (no boys allowed!)

26) See Burney Falls

27) Go to the driving range

28) Go back to visit Texas

29) Swim with dolphins

30) Work on a political campaign (maybe my guy will win damn it!)


*Already have one. Would have been on the original list too so we could just call this one checked off but I want at least one more for sure so... It stays.

**Ran a half marathon last July. Also ran a full marathon in June of 2002 but don't think I'll do that again. Too much strain on the poor knees! Marathon running also would have been on the original list but I really want to do another half so again... It stays.

***I've seen loads of Broadway plays. But I want to go to the Great White Way. You know. Theater buff and all.

****I mean really. With lessons. Not just standing at the back of the dance floor staring at people's feet and trying not to get trampled.

*****I've taken classes at CCA through their weekend program and was accepted to the full time program which ideally I'd still LOVE to do but... Who knows. Right now I'd just settle for some more weekend or evening classes at Sur La Table or Williams Sonoma.

Everything

He said, “Meeting her changed my life. Made me a better person. A good person.”

“You weren’t a good person before?” Someone asked.

“No… It’s just that… Nothing was right before. Nothing fit. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. She changed everything for me. She’s my everything. She quite possibly saved my life.”

*****

The above conversation went on in that manner for several minutes. I wasn’t directly involved in it, instead I was chatting about college with TheBoy’s niece, but we both stopped to listen. By the time he finished, with a kiss to his wife, there wasn’t a dry female eye on the boat. As he was speaking I had to will myself not to look at TheBoy, certain I wouldn’t be able to keep the tears at bay, hating myself for the ache of longing that was spreading through my stomach.

I think all women want THAT kind of love. To think that they’ve made a significant impact on the lives of their man. To feel desired, wanted, needed. Important somehow. Like, if we were gone we’d be missed. It’s why we crave compliments. Why we’re constantly dissecting their actions for hidden meanings… We want to be someone's everything.

I’m of the school of thought that men are MUCH simpler than that. There are no hidden meanings behind their actions. They either do something or they don’t. Because they want to or they don’t. And lately? That thinking is making me sad.

Everything?

Too Soon?

How soon is too soon? After a break up to start dating? After you’ve begun dating to call yourselves serious? To move in together? To get engaged?

TheBoy and I had a friend over for a few beers and a movie last night. Well, a few beers for them, I’m still on the wagon given the cold from hell I’ve had after Vegas. I did give it “the old college try” though since it sounded so damn good after our frenzied cleaning spree earlier in the evening but… I gave up after a few sips. Beer just doesn’t taste good if you can’t, well, TASTE it.

And while I’m on a tangent anyway, where did the saying “the old college try” come from anyway? I don’t recall my college days being filled with too much “trying”. I mean I did my fair share of studying, took my fair share of honors courses. But I wouldn’t say I TRIED terribly hard at anything. Hmm… Well I did try hard to master that whole shot-gunning beer from a can thing. Still can’t do it though. I’m just saying.

Sorry. Where was I? Right. How soon is too soon?

So a friend of this friend, an acquaintance of ours really, is engaged. This in and of itself is not news. We’re of that age, she’s of that age. So, what is it that made me choke back the instant congratulatory words and obligatory smiles and questions? I won’t lie… The first thing I thought was, “wow – so soon?”

Now – please, before the “don’t be so judgmental” and “why wait for true love” comments start coming, please, please know that I am (usually) not one to judge. After all, TheBoy and I moved in together after a short whirlwind relationship of less than seven months.

“Ms. Pot?”

“It’s Ms. Kettle calling.”

“Did you know you’re black?”

Indeed.

It’s just that… A year ago this particular acquaintance was in the midst of untangling herself from the ending of a serious long term relationship. It was complicated. It required the division of assets, of friends. The last time I saw her, granted this was several months ago, she was dating someone else. Now? She’s engaged. To a man she’s been dating for four months.

It seems… fast. That’s all I guess. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about it. My friend’s girlfriend I guess had a similar reaction. Followed by the inevitable… “I want to get married!” His response? A big sigh and a plea to wait… Only 9 more months of law school before he can commit himself to her. And to marriage.



A part of me thinks… What is wrong with me?

Viva Las Vegas!

(I apologize in advance for the extremely long post...)

Sorry for my relative blog silence over the last several days. TheBoy and I left early Saturday morning for a belated FIVE YEAR anniversary celebration in Las Vegas! I was a little weary given I was knocked out for two days prior with a nasty stomach flu type bug… I even missed a Giants game on Thursday y’all – now you KNOW that’s serious! I fell asleep LITERALLY in the middle of packing my suitcase on Friday night. Climbed on top of the bed, in between the piles of clothes, toiletries and discarded outfits, and passed out cold at like 9:15 pm! Fantastic right?

It’s SO exciting to be me sometimes.

Anywho… A Bloody Mary at the airport bar and we were good to go! We landed in Las Vegas to 100+ degree weather on Saturday morning and promptly made our way over to the Luxor where we had a room in the pyramid, complete with slanted wall/window and “inclinator” (ie: sideways moving elevator) ride. We were there three days and I never once rode that thing without stumbling. First order of business upon arrival? A Mexican food lunch complete with margaritas (we are creatures of habit), a quick shopping trip for a shirt for TheBoy to wear out to the clubs that night, and then down to the pool for us. Ahh… heaven!

A few more beverages and a $40 pool bar tab later, I was in desperate need of a nap. Stomach flu remember? So I headed up to the room to lie down and TheBoy went wandering to check out a few of the nightclubs in the neighboring casinos. That night, after a fine dinner of take out Little Caesar’s Pizza*, TheBoy and I got all fancied up… He in his brand new British rocker inspired shirt and me in my appropriate cleavage bearing top and skinny jeans. When in Vegas right? Thank God for stomach flu right before having to don the skinny jeans!

The comments I received on the *ahem* hootchie shirt were a source of hilarity for TheBoy and I all evening and included such favorites as:

Drunk Boy outside Rum Jungle bathroom: “You are the most beautiful woman in the club!”

Me: “Really? Because I’m up here.”

~ and ~

Older leering man at 40 Deuce: “Hi, I’m Steve.”

Me: “Hi Steve.”

Steve: …

Me: …

Steve: “I really like your blouse.”

Me: “How original.”

Good times y’all.

We started the night at Rum Jungle in Mandalay Bay. Did I forget to mention that there was some huge UFC fight going on at the Luxor on Saturday night? Yes? How terribly GIRLY of me. You can imagine how hard it was for me to contain my excitement. Needless to say the lines were a little out of control all weekend. But I was proud of TheBoy, he didn’t complain… TOO much!

Actually, Rum Jungle’s line wasn’t horrible when we got there at just before 11:00 pm. We did some dancing. We did some drinking. We saw the girls spinning from the trapeze thing. And then? Then it started to get crowded. And let me just say, to those of you people reading who are of average height or taller, that it is no pleasant experience to be in a crowded, hot room when you are petite** and all you can see are people’s chests. It’s a little bit claustrophobic really.

Also, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a conspiracy in Las Vegas regarding seating in clubs. Have you ever noticed that if you are at a club in Vegas and you want to rest your feet because you have been drinking and dancing and are wearing cute shoes and maybe cute shoes don’t = comfortable shoes so you start looking around for a bench or a bar stool or an effing bean bag chair and it suddenly dawns on you that all of those things are available (and practically empty I might add) BEHIND the VIP area??? Yes, that’s right – in order to sit down at a club in Vegas you must purchase a $270 bottle of Absolut.

True Story.

After Rum Jungle we decided to check out this burlesque club we had gotten free passes to as part of our “package deal” weekend called Forty Deuce. This was, by far, my favorite venue of the night. Smaller bar, smaller dance floor, friendlier people… Definitely fun! But again, no friggin’ place to sit! It’s a conspiracy I tell you! We found out that Jenna Jameson was going to be hosting a party there the following night and were offered free passes*** to return so we decided to call it a night.

The next morning (noon) we decided to get up and head over to the Hard Rock Hotel for their infamous beach party Rehab. After another Mexican food lunch and margaritas, of course. Seriously y’all this was worth the wait. I highly recommend it. I also recommend getting there earlier than we did and planning to bribe the doormen. I’m just saying.

I have never seen so many rock hard bodies and teeny weenie bikinis in my life! The music was awesome, the drinks were flowing and it was hot, Hot, HOT! There were two slides, a lazy river, and a big main pool area where all the dancing was going on. I couldn’t believe all the security! We shared a limo**** over from our hotel and met the nicest girls from Manhattan who were so sweet and funny and a guy who said his friend is dating Jenna Jameson. We aren’t sure if we believe him necessarily but the stories were fun. Then in line we met these super sweet guys who were on a THREE AND A HALF MONTH vacation from Australia. Yeah go ahead and read that again. They went to Singapore and Europe for the Word Cup and Greece and all over creation basically ending up in Vegas before heading over to California and then to Hawaii for 8 days and home. THREE AND A HALF MONTHS! Y’all.

Highlights from Rehab include:

~ The girl wearing a teeny tiny leopard print string ONE PIECE (try to picture it if you can) who explained to TheBoy and I how she had to shave her entire… *ahem* female parts to wear it. And when we mistakenly didn’t look like we believed her? She showed us.

~ The guy who was just standing there in the water while some poor girl was dancing all over him. We could not figure out why he was not in to her AT ALL – I mean she was cute enough – albeit a tad drunk… Until a different girl started flashing and a fight broke out and the “just standing there” guy took off into the fray. Ah ha! Incognito security. Tricky.

~ The woman who was so drunk she didn’t realize she was flashing everyone until after a security guard had practically tackled her.

~ Water slides! Yay!

~ Shots. In syringes. Enough said.

~ Being hit on by Air Force boys. In plain view of TheBoy. And the sheepish looks they got on their faces when they realized he was watching.

~ TheBoy being called “sir” by aforementioned cute Air Force boys.

All that swimming***** really tires a girl out so we decided to head back to our hotel for a shower and dinner at the buffet. We still hadn’t made a decision as to what exactly we wanted to do that evening but there were a few options on the table. Over dinner TheBoy was getting more and more sleepy… Too much sun! So we decided to head up to the room so he could take a quick nap. I watched some TV and read my book while I waited for him to wake up. Finally I resorted to passive aggressive measures to see if he’d wake up. I slammed a few drawers. I ran some water in the bathroom. I tried rubbing his arms and tummy. NOTHING! TheBoy was out cold. So I laid down myself for a bit but I couldn’t get to sleep! Those of you who know us understand how funny this is! He finally woke up at about 1:45 but it was way too late (early?) for either of us to think about going out that night.

The next day was our last day in Vegas. We had to wake up relatively early… Check out was at 11:00. We left our bags with the bell desk and found a place to have a big champagne breakfast! Mmm… champagne! Breakfast of champions. From there we decided to play tourist for the remainder of our stay. First stop? The lions over at the MGM. After that we took the elevator ride to the top of the Eiffel Tower at the Paris Hotel and checked out the view of the strip. It was 100 degrees up there! But not to worry – they told us there was no humidity! Like that makes it better??

From there we walked over and saw the Forum Shops at Caesar’s Palace and just missed the moving statues. But we did manage to make it back over to the Bellagio in time to see the dancing fountains. I’ve probably seen that half a dozen times but it still takes my breath away. All that water! From there it was just about time to head back to our hotel and get ready to head to the airport. But not without one last stop at our hotel lounge for a final shared bottle of champagne and some laughs over our favorite memories from the trip.

Pictures soon!



*2 for $20! Those things are like $5 each at home!! Effing Vegas!!

**short

***It was the shirt y’all I swear!

****YAY! I got to ride in a limo! Somewhere other than to the airport with co-workers!

*****standing around and quasi-dancing in the water

Heh.

I'm not sure how I feel about this actually...

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Mr. and Mrs.

Look at me being all timely and stuff with the pictures from Angie and Erik's wedding this past weekend! The bride and groom are off on their honeymoon to Cabo - I'm sure they're having a wonderful time! The bride's mom and I joked several times about joining them out there. I mean, we worked hard too right? We deserve a vacation!

Shockingly Angie and Erik weren't so amused by the the thought of sharing their honeymoon with us. :)

Here is the beautiful bride and I at the pre-wedding photo shoot.

I turned around at one point during the rehersal and saw Angie and her dad standing behind me and had to quickly turn away and blink back tears. I think that was the moment when it became real to me - she's really getting married!

Also, I had to laugh at her mom who spent considerable time at the after the wedding brunch saying, "He just GAVE HER AWAY!" and "He didn't even ask me how I felt about it, he just GAVE HER AWAY!" It was cute.

Saying their "I Do"s. I was blinking back tears the whole time y'all. I think I'm maybe not as jaded as I try to portray. Shh... Don't tell anyone!

Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Howley!

Confidential to Ang and Erik: I love you both and was so honored to be a part of your wedding!

There are more pictures of mine here, though that's only 250 of them (it's Shutterfly's limit on how much you can share). I'm hoping to get the rest up, and organized into some sort of order that makes sense, soon.

If that's not enough photos for you, Michele's photos are here and Christine's are here.

A Whole New World

I love Disney movies. Yes, I realize that it’s a little silly that, at almost 30, some of my favorite movies are animated. But I don’t care. I love the humor, I love the whimsy, and I LOVE the love stories. It is funny how many memories I have that contain Disney movies; either the movies themselves, a song from the soundtrack, or just a quote that struck my fancy and worked its way into my every day vocabulary.

The movie Aladdin came out sometime while I was in Junior High. I saw it in the theater and then bought the VHS tape when it was released. I’m pretty sure I knew all the words at one point. I still may. It’s not surprising then that by the time High School came around I would have chosen to watch it on a lazy winter afternoon with my boyfriend. It would have been the perfect background movie while we talked and laughed and caught up after the Christmas holiday.

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

“Do you love him Tiff?” A mutual friend stood looking down at me, with all the seriousness that a 15 year old can possess when speaking about things like love. “Of course” I replied (rather flippantly), he was my boyfriend after all and we had been saying “I love you” to each other for awhile.

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

“No. I mean, do you REALLY love him? Because he told me that he’s IN LOVE with you and I think you could really hurt him.” Gee thanks buddy. Even then I had a reputation for holding a part of me back. I never let someone get too close to me, and I NEVER let myself get too attached to anyone.

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

We were sitting on his mother’s couch. We were home alone. That was a big deal because… Well… We were innocent youth. I had never been kissed at it didn’t occur to me to mind. Hand holding was fun. No need to rush things! I remember we had been talking and laughing but all of a sudden he got very quiet. And then he left the room for awhile.

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

I started thinking back to my friend’s comments. I DID love him, as much as I could given my age. I always was a practical girl. But, I reasoned, lots of people meet really early in life. Heck, if we lived a century earlier I might even be married at that age. The way I felt when we were together was something I’ve never duplicated, even to this day. I felt safe. Like nothing mattered, not school, not fighting with my mom, not therapists or cheerleading or calories… All that mattered was that this boy said he loved me.

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

He came back in to the room, oddly quiet. I teased him – something mature I’m sure. He didn’t laugh. He came over to the couch and tugged on my hands to make me stand. And then he hugged me. We hugged for a long time. I could feel his heart racing and it made my heart beat faster in response. I decided I would let myself feel whatever it was I was feeling. I decided to not hold back. To give 100% of me to this. Just this once.*

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

He leaned back and softly said my name. For years I would have dreams where all I would hear would be his voice saying my name the way he said it in that moment. When I looked up he leaned in towards me and softly touched his lips to mine. Hesitantly. I was shocked, and thrilled, and unbelievably nervous. The kiss deepened and I couldn’t think, I could barely remember to breathe! Finally we pulled apart. He smiled at me.

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

We shared many, many kisses after that first one but that’s the one I remember. Insert what you will about first kisses here. To me, it was perfect. No wonder our elders had cautioned us about kising and being alone together – suddenly it was all we wanted to do. I was definitley enjoying riding the roller coaster of emotions that I was on. We were young and in love.**

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Of course it couldn’t last. These things rarely do.



*I still don’t give 100% of myself to anything or anyone. It’s a character flaw I suppose.


**I hesitated to use the term “in love” but then I realized that I am skeptical about love now. But then? Then I was in love and sure we were going to last forever. It seems false to deny it now.

When Worlds Collide

I used to be a different person, with a different life, a different set of friends… I think this isn’t uncommon actually. People grow, they change, they move on. What IS uncommon is finding yourself in the company of both lives at the same time. So it was with me this weekend. After spending 10 years desperately trying to keep my past separate from my present – there they were, making polite conversation over a beer.

The bride and I met as part of my previous life and she is still very much involved in it. I felt like I had entered the twilight zone this weekend. Here were my old friends, my old school, my old church, most unchanged from what I remember. Sure children were older, people were married, and there were a few grey hairs… But mainly it was as if I had walked back in to see what my life could have been.

I won’t lie – I found myself trying it on for size. Thinking what if? Not necessarily what if I hadn’t ever left? I don’t regret it. But what if I came back? What if I chose this life again? Would there be a place for me here? Would I find what I am looking for? Would I be happy?

I miss the sense of community, the willingness of others to go above and beyond for people who need it. As cheesy as it sounds, I miss family values. I miss church on Sunday mornings. I miss being involved.

My past.

At the same time, my new life, my current life, was also represented this weekend. Definitely more comfortable, decidedly more “me”, this is a life I chose. I made this life for myself, I built it, I struggled in it, and it’s mine. I didn’t fall into it because my parents directed me, I didn’t accept something that wasn’t quite me, I didn’t settle.

I love my friends, my family. I love our group – the events, the parties, the one on one time I spend with everyone. I like all the busy weekends, the trips to the lake, to Vegas. I like having a job which affords me the opportunity to be able to do all of these things. I love my boss. I love not waking up every morning and wondering whether or not today will be a good day.

My present.

And yet this life? It’s not a perfect fit either. As I look around me I realize that there are things I wish were different now and yet… I seem to have been content waiting for change to just come along and happen. I realize I can’t do that any more, that it’s up to me to make the changes in my life that I want. I know some changes will be hard to make and Lord knows I am not the best with conflict, but the idea of sitting still doesn’t appeal to me either.

I’m pondering change. Big change.

My future?

Exhausted

What is it about cops that makes people automatically assume they’ve done something wrong? I’m driving along on the freeway the other morning, in traffic, at about 50 MPH. The speed limit on this particular freeway is 65 – just for reference. When all of a sudden everyone on the freeway starts hitting the brakes and slowing down! To 35 MPH! On the FREEWAY!

The cause of this apparent need to slow down? A police cruiser driving along in the slow lane. Come on now people. If you aren’t even going the speed limit there is NO NEED to slow down further just because a cop is on the road. For crying out loud! There should be tickets for going too slow on the freeway.

Idiots.

*****

I am not stealthy. I am also NOT graceful. Case in point:

Last week as I was walking to my car after getting off work, my mind on about a dozen other things, when I notice this guy pedal by me on a bicycle who looks vaguely familiar. He then proceeds to pedal very slowly and turn around and watch me. At this point I’ve figured out that I MUST know him from some where… But where?

As he gets off the bike and goes to lock it up a light bulb goes on over my head and I think, “maybe he’s someone BF Liz dated!” So I decide to stealthily (ha!) get out my cell phone and take a picture of him using my new fangled camera technology thingamajig. Only right as I’m holding up my cell phone trying to focus on his face*, the guy turns around and looks straight at me!

So what do I do? I quickly whip around, pulling the phone into my chest and take a step forward. Only that “step forward” part got a little tangled up and left me sitting, oh so gracefully, on my ass, IN A DRESS, in the middle of the road, in downtown Palo Alto.

Oh yes. Yes I did.


*Because THAT’S not obvious or anything.

*****

My childhood friend Angie is now a married woman.

She looked beautiful.

I am still at a loss for words. I cried – but not as much as people thought I would. I cried at the rehearsal when I turned around and saw Angie and Dad standing behind me and realized that he was giving her away the next day. I cried during the ceremony when I saw the look in Erik’s eyes as he said his vows. I totally lost it during the father / daughter dance. I didn’t cry at all during my toast. Odd.

I’m working on getting the pictures uploaded and when I do I’ll post the link.

Miss me?

I’m back! And it turns out that there really is such a thing as too much relaxing! I can’t seem to get my thoughts from my vacation into a coherent post so y’all are getting a list format. Sorry! I’ll try to put together something more logical and intelligent tomorrow once I’ve had some time to sort through all the work I have piled up from last week!

- I need to learn to play tennis. I’m thinking about taking lessons at the community college here. Except last time I thought about doing that I had a serious panic attack! Hmmm… I’m also having a strange overwhelming desire to go to the driving range. TheBoy and I went and played mini golf yesterday after we got home and I have to say that my putting game is improving nicely! I mention all of this because tennis and golf are basically the only things TheBoy’s family does in Sun River every year and since I don’t do either I was BORED!!

- I want one of those tattoos in white ink on my wrist that says “strength” or maybe “will power”. Something to remind me that I can do this. Of course that would up my total of tattoos wanted to four and I think my mother would absolutely die of mortification.

- Speaking of tattoos, I need to make the appointment for the one on my foot here pretty quick now that the lake season is winding down. Not that I’ve been to the lake at all this summer. Labor Day weekend will be my third trip to Shasta and including the trip up to Donner next weekend I will have only been out on our boat four times all summer! How sad is that?

- We should spend a little more time teaching our young women that they can make it on their own and a little less time encouraging them to find a man. I think we (as older women) should lead by example. It’s sad when younger women look at us and say “she can’t be alone”. That they recognize that quality in us is frightening. And more than a little sad. Also, we shouldn’t encourage young women to follow men to college because “they are going places”, we should encourage women to go to college so that they can “go places” on their own.

- Running at 4500 feet is hard! Running at 4500 feet after drinking Jack Daniels until 4:00 am is harder.

- My oldest and very dear friend Angie is getting married in FIVE DAYS!! I can’t believe it! I feel like I’ve been waiting for this day forever and we’ve been planning and waiting and talking about this and now… FIVE DAYS!! I’m putting the final touches on my maid of honor toast (because I am determined not to cry in front of a bazillion people y’all) and we’re finalizing all the last minute wedding details but basically it’s all just counting down to the big party this weekend.

- As much as I am looking forward to the wedding… I’m also looking forward to having my life settle back down in to a normal routine afterwards. Not that it’s going to really. I still have something planned for practically every weekend between now and Thanksgiving. You think that’s an exaggeration?? It’s not – I have two free weekends between now and TheBoy’s brother’s wedding on November 4th. No kidding. And the weekend after that is a friend’s birthday… I’m just saying…

La La La

My brain has ceased all normal operations. I am so frustrated with my inability to even THINK in coherent sentences that I can not imagine what it must be like to be around me at the moment. Thankfully I leave for vacation soon. Is someone working on my caffeine IV?

I finally got my dress altered for the wedding that is 2 weeks from tomorrow. Well not so much “altered” as “straps shortened” but it’ll do. I think it looks nice. For purple. ;D My friend Michele’s mom did it for me which was awesome since it was also free! Woo hoo! She also had this great idea for steaming out some of the wrinkles on the front… It’s called a dressmaker’s ham. After I stopped looking at her like an alien had popped up on her left shoulder she kindly explained it to me (Curved! Like the dress! Lies flat while ironing!) AND let me borrow it. Such a nice woman.

I really think they should bring back Home Economics in school. Really, that pains the feminist in me to say, but come on here people. I can sew a (crooked) hem in some pants if I absolutely have to and replace buttons. That’s about it. I’ve got the culinary bits down but know people who didn’t even know you could make rice on the stove! Something is seriously lacking in our generation y’all. I’m just saying. Basic skills. That’s all I’m asking for.

There is a shiny new white Mac Powerbook calling my name in the window of the Apple store near my office. Just think of all the blogging I could do from that baby!

Also, I fell in love with the cutest blonde lab puppy this morning. When I woke TheBoy up to announce that I MUST. HAVE. THE. PUPPY! He laughed and promptly went back to sleep. The NERVE y’all! It was love at first sight! Sniff, sniff. You think if I just showed up one day with this itty bitty ball of a puppy he’d be able to stay mad that long? We’d make a pretty darn adorable group, the puppy, the cat and me!

Okay, I’m going to apologize IN ADVANCE for my blog silence. I’m leaving tonight and will be gone for 9 whole days! So looking forward to it. 9 whole days where my toughest decisions will be whether I should go for a run and then go lay out by the pool? Or maybe go for a little rafting trip and then find some shade by the river and read a book? The possibilities are endless!

Miss me!

Something for Carrie

1) My ex is ... Just someone I used to know.

2) Maybe I should ... Stop being lazy and just do the stupid ironing when I do the laundry so it doesn’t take 3 and ½ hours! Work on really paying down my debt. Buy some new running shoes. And a bike.

3) I love ... TheBoy. My girls. TheCat. My mom for understanding me no matter what. Summer days and long summer nights. Beer.

4) I don't understand ... People without filters. Jealousy. Traffic.

5) I lost ... My mind? :) My temper? My car on the street last weekend?

6) People say that I'm ... I don’t know what people say I am. Anyone care to share? Be nice!

I would say I am… independent, sensitive, friendly, athletic, nerdy, shy… A contradiction maybe?

7) People are ... Fascinating. Frustrating.

8) Love is .... A long, intricate, intimate dance. Not for the faint of heart.

9) Somewhere, someone is ... Laughing, crying, waking, sleeping, running, standing still, being born or dying. It’s what is the most beautiful about life.

10) I always ... Match my underthings to my outfits, wear sunscreen on my face, wash my face first in the shower, screen my phone calls (sorry!), hold back what I really want to say for fear of hurting someone or sounding vulnerable.

11) Forever is ... A really, REALLY long time!

12) I never want to ... Regret not doing something when I had the chance.

13) I think the current President is ... Only going to ruin my days for 17 more months or so.

14) When I wake up in the morning I... Hit the snooze button, cuddle with TheCat, mentally plan my day, stretch, start my whole morning routine. That’s a whole post in and of itself.

15) When life gives you lemons... Make a lemon drop!

16) My past ... Made me who I am and for that I can not be sorry. I just wish it would stay more in the past.

17) I get annoyed with ... things I can not control.

18) I wish ... Life would slow down. I could figure out what I want to do. Everyone would just get along.

19) Dogs are..... Family! Running partners, companions, a desire.

20) Tomorrow I am ... Working, having lunch with Angie and driving 4 hours (Lord willing if traffic cooperates) to Bella Vista to start my vacation.

21) I have low tolerance for ... Ignorance. Apathy. Insensitivity.

22) If I had a million dollars I would ... Pay off my debt. Pay off my parents home loan. Put a down payment on a house for myself.

Sticky

Do you believe in love
and that we were meant to be?

Two words can free us,
so repeat them after me"I do."*


It’s a dangerous game, when you start drawing lines in the sand. How far will you go in a relationship, how much of yourself will you give, nay, should you be expected to give, before you can rightfully demand something in return.

The truth is, had I known five years ago that TheBoy and I would still be hesitating over the big “I do” question I probably wouldn’t have gotten as involved as I did. Having said that, I’m truly glad that I didn’t know. I wouldn’t trade one minute of the time we’ve shared, the connection we feel or the love that is clearly visible between us. Why would I trade in the perfect relationship for a not-so-perfect one that might include a ring?

And yet? I never dreamed I’d spend the rest of my life alone. Because make no mistake… I am alone. Single. In the eyes of the state, of my family… In a secret place in my heart I feel… alone. I’ve heard arguments on both sides. Marriage changes nothing. Marriage changes everything. I’m tired of the arguments. I feel like I can’t even remember what I’ve been arguing for.

I remember, vaguely, that it used to be very important to me not to live with a boy before we were engaged. Well, when TheBoy and I moved in together I honestly thought with the way things had been going that we were headed in that direction. We’d only been together for a few months sure but… it was just RIGHT. I was just so sure he was The One. I didn’t hesitate.

Now I’m holding on to this notion that we shouldn’t buy a house together until we’re married, or at least engaged. Real Estate is my profession, I KNOW that this goes wrong. It feels wrong, the one time we came close I couldn’t bring myself to do it at the last minute. And yet? Now? We’re stuck.

Do we buy houses next door to each other? Across town? Live separately after almost 5 years? Does one of us sacrifice financial security and rent from the other for the rest of our lives? And you know what the worst thing is? I am doing this to us. I’ve made us stuck here in this place. And that I could, theoretically, get us un-stuck.

The ever-burning question is should I?**



*From the song Tennessee by Sugarland on their album Twice the Speed of Life. If you even remotely like country music, buy this album.

**Rhetorical question.